Assassination of a High School President

Swift shot: If I saw this when I was 13 I would have loved it . . . maybe.  Caught this on Netflix while I was between a 100 and 101.2 fever, so all bets are off.  Still, it lacked any real drama and was borderline retarded.  I only found my curiosity mildly piqued and at times I was hoping a meteor would engulf the entire town in a surprise Shamalonian twist, just to give it some substance.

The Netflix jacket called this one Chinatown for the teenage set, get the fuck outta here!  Not even remotely true.  Now, I haven’t seen Chinatown in ages, but the pre-pubescenet scum that come across as the terror of the catholic school hallways hardly ring as villains in anyone’s book.  They wield pencils and enforce the law using white armbands and in-school suspension.  Can anyone even remember how useless “internal suspension” was,  I mean, all it taught me was who sold drugs and who put out after school – ok, so maybe it wasn’t a total waste of time.  And while the assassination scene does have you guessing, for about an eighth of  a second, the director failed to build up any chance of real suspense right there.

Now, one thing I will give credit for is the choice to actually have a few nude scenes with the lead, Mischa Barton, not too shabby, and short of becoming Mr. Skin here, I would like to thank the director for at least taking that leap of gratuity where he shirks from other opportunities.  If you have to see Barton nude, rent this one, or if you are a sucker for a Marlowesque dialog, where the narrator is constantly puffing out one-liners whilst chewing gum, because you know, kids can’t smoke – so, they rebel by chewing gum, this one is for you – clown shoes.

To clarify how purely benign this film was, in one scene, Bruce Willis as the disabled war veteran, principal is verbally attacking our hero, Bobby Funke, for chewing gum.  That was about the most dramatic scene in the film, and if you can’t figure out whodunit it in the first ten minutes, please go write for MSNBC, I hear they need some ratings help, and hey,  maybe Chris Matthews will let you feel his leg or something.

If you are over 15 and you enjoy this movie, check yourself into a clinic for the mildly criminally insane.  But, please, no chewing gum!

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