Soul Survivors

The H-Bomb: Have you ever wanted to see a movie that sucks ass, licks balls, and sprays diarrhea all at the same time? Well friends, I have just the movie for you. I mean, this stinking piece of crotch rot is a little of everything; it’s part post-”Scream” teen horror flick, part David Lynch wannabe, part “Jacob’s Ladder” rip off… seriously, there’s something for everyone… assuming that everyone is a sick, depraved masochist and a glutton for punishment!

Here’s the basic setup, Cassie (played by the supremely bland Melissa Sagemiller) is spending her last night before starting college with her three friends. They include her boyfriend Sean (Casey Affleck), ex-boyfriend Matt (Wes Bentley- remember him?), and BFF Annie (Eliza Dushku, who’s given nothing to do but look sexy in various goth outfits). After leaving some rave, they get into a car nasty wreck; Sean is killed, Matt and Annie miraculously survive without a scratch, and Cassie is left all sad and mopey and feeling guilty because she was the one driving and blah, blah, blah.

She tries to continue her life at college, but then strange things start to happen. She starts seeing visions of her dead boyfriend, her two surviving friends start acting strangely, and a couple of creepy guys have been stalking her and chasing her around. Throw in a couple of laughably gratuitous lesbian scenes, some downright idiotic plot twists, a holier than thou Priest (a slumming Luke Wilson), and an unbearably stupid and annoying protagonist, and you pretty much have the whole movie.

Seriously, this puddle of piss stinks worse than my grandpa’s adult diapers. It’s a film that truly works on no level at all. Not as a horror film, not as a supernatural romantic drama, not as fucking anything! The story makes no sense, the character interactions make no sense, the whole thing seems like it was written by some inbred, glue sniffing retard who was just making it up as he went along.

Worst of all, it’s FUCKING BORING! It makes 80 minutes feel like three hours. To think, I watched the “Killer Cut” (“More Sex! More Blood! More Terror than the Theatrical Version!”), the PG-13 cut that played in theaters must have been a real fucking snoozer, at least in the “Killer Cut” we get to see Eliza Dushku grab some woman’s tits. Take my word for it, you could spend 80 minutes chewing on broken glass while wiping your ass with sandpaper, and you’ll still have a better time than watching “Soul Survivors”.

P.S.- If, God forbid, any of you fine readers have seen this turd nugget, if you could explain to me how the opening scene relates to anything else in the movie, please drop me a line.

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