Texas Chainsaw Massacre IV: The Next Generation

WARNING: The following review contains expletives aplenty. If you’re offended by such things, it would behoove you to fuck off right now.

The H-Bomb: The review which you are about to read is an account of the tragedy which befell a Blockbuster employee named Henry in the Fall of 2003. It is all the more tragic in that he was young. But, had he lived a very, very long life, he could not have expected nor would he have wished to see as much of the God awful and thoroughly worthless sack of piggy poop as he was to see that night. For him an idyllic Autumn evening in front of his television set became a nightmare. The events of that night were to lead to the discovery of one of the most piss poor, inanely fucktarded films in the annals of cinematic history, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation.

This isn’t a review so much as it is a rant. A rant and a P.S.A. A warning. A call to awareness. A desperate plea for you to just stay away. On the surface, there is much to this movie to draw your interest; it’s a rather obscure entry in the “Chainsaw” series, it stars two actors who are now very famous, one of whom is an Oscar winner… but, dear reader, I implore you, do not be suckered like I was suckered. Do not give in to the temptation to pollute your mind or your DVD player with the sheer shittiness of this unbearable suckfest. Just don’t! Please, I beg you!

I was working late at my local Blockbuster several years ago when we were doing a DVD buy back type deal. As I was finishing my shift I noticed one of the buy backs on the shelf was this film. The first thing that caught my eye was that it starred Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey. Then I noticed that it was written and directed by Kim Henkel (who is a guy), the co-writer of the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. I knew of this film’s reputation, but the original “Chainsaw” was and is a masterpiece of modern horror, so how bad could this one be? Fuck me running, I was about to find out. Being that it was only ten bucks and I was an impulsive spender, I picked it up and took it home to be a permanent part of my DVD library… well, what can I say, we all make mistakes.

So, how much ass does this ass sucker suck? My friends, I don’t think the words exist, in English or any language, to accurately and effectively describe how fucking miserable this heep of cow shit is! This movie is HORRIBLE! It is quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen in my life, and being that I’ve seen a few thousand, that’s really saying something. Watching this piece of garbage makes suicide by chainsaw seem like a tempting proposition.

Usually when I review a film I describe what it’s about. Then I talk about what I liked about it. Then I talk about what I disliked about it. Fuck all that. What’s it about? Same shit as the other movies; a group of idiot kids (who are especially idiotic this time around) go into rural Texas and run into Leatherface and his family of cannibalistic weirdos. What did I like about it? Nothing. What did I dislike about it? Everything… literally. So literally that I don’t even know where to start.

Let’s begin with Heir Director Kim Henkel, who wiped away any goodwill he had with me for co-writing the original by unleashing this gutter turd on an unsuspecting populace. I seriously wonder what brain tumor befell him when he commenced in making this project. I might be over-stating it, but I think there’s a circle in Hell reserved for filmmakers who would produce a glob of dicksnot like this. While watching it I was struck by a question that usually comes to me when viewing an Ed Wood picture, what is this filmmaker worse at? The writing or the directing? On one hand, the dialogue is so wretched it’s painful to listen to, and many scenes and plot points are ridiculous and/or make no motherlovin’ sense at all! The (very unpleasant) abusive stepfather subplot is introduced at the beginning, then is dropped after the first scene and never mentioned again. Why is it there at all if it went nowhere? I can only guess it was some half-assed attempt to add depth to Zellweger’s ugly duckling character. Then there’s the subplot that Leatherface and his family might be part of some extra-terrestrial/government conspiracy. All I have to say about that is… Mr. Henkel, what the hell were you smoking??? Drop the crack pipe and just stick to pot, please!

Now, despite how awful the script was (if you want to call it that), the direction is so inept even Uwe Boll would have room to mock it.. First, there’s non-existent pacing. The whole movie just sits there like a pile of dogshit on my front lawn. It’s not remotely scary, or suspenseful. In fact, Kathy Bates’ topless scene in “About Schmidt” was scarier than this. Then there are the action and chase scenes that are badly staged and horribly executed. Henkel’s shot compositions are sloppy and boring (was the cinematographer fucking blind???) and the editing is so choppy that it looks like it was edited with a chainsaw! Fuck… I’d say his writing and directing are equally worthless. I may not be any Orson Welles, but I could take a piss on a roll of film, run it through a projector, and still have a more entertaining movie than this shit stained butt crack of a flick.

Now, a word on the acting… or as I should put it, “acting.” Not that the script gave them a damn thing to work with… but damn, the “actors” lived down to the material admirably. The “performances” on display here are so pathetic that they make Steven Seagal on his worst day look like Lawrence fucking Olivier on his best day. They completely run the gamut of crappiness, where we have somnambulist types who seem to read their lines from cue cards and beg for their lives with all the conviction of a kid telling his grandmother he loves the sweater she got him for Christmas. Then we have Matthew McConaughey… Matthew motherfuckin’ McConaughey… his over the top performance is the reason God invented the Razzies. Between his hobbling around on his roboleg and his shouting “MEEEEEEEEE!!! OOHH OOHH OOHH OOHH!!!”, I genuinely feared that my TV would spontaneously combust and spit fire at me. I wouldn’t have blamed it if it did. Then there’s Renee Zellweger… not a big fan of her’s, never was. All I can say is, thank your lucky fucking stars for “Jerry Maguire”, sweetheart. Then there’s McConaughey’s extraneous girlfriend character with the fake tits, and the quote spouting shotgun wielding brother of Leatherface… not even gonna comment on those two.

Then there’s Leatherface himself who, as played by some unscary fat ass named Robert Jacks, has to be the least imposing incarnation of the iconic horror character ever. People complained that Leatherface in “Chainsaw 2” was wimpy… but he’s fucking horrifying compared to this flabby, squealing, effeminate slob. He never kills anyone with his chainsaw, he gets pushed around by his smaller brother, and in general just acts like a big, blubbering retard. Alvin and the Chipmunks are scarier than this bitch boy.

Now, for the sake of my own sanity, I shall rest my case. If you ever want to see a film with zero redeeming qualities, if you want to watch just to see how bad a bad movie can be, a film so bad that it sat on the shelf for three years, then was released after Zellweger and McConaughey became names, then que this one up on your Netflix list. But, please don’t. Please, please I beg of you don’t. This is not a hidden gem waiting for rediscovery, it’s an abomination and every copy of it should be seized and burned. Please don’t rent this, I watched it so you won’t have to.

P.S.- This “film” also goes under the alias “The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. No matter which name it’s going by, if you encounter it at the used video stand in your local flea market, avoid. You have been warned.


One Response to “Texas Chainsaw Massacre IV: The Next Generation”

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