Boxing Helena

The H-Bomb: There are times when writing these bilge reviews where I just feel like I’m committing an act of cruelty. Like a jock beating up on the school retard or something. Still, most of these movies, through their own stupid ass shitty fuck-suckiness, just bring it on themselves. Take “Boxing Helena”, for example. This film is perhaps best known for its lawsuit with Kim Basinger, which she lost after she reneged on her verbal agreement to star in it. Despite suffering a heavy financial loss, I seriously doubt that Basinger has any regrets about not appearing in the film. Why? Because the financial loss was probably minuscule in comparison to the irreparable damage that would’ve been done to her career and reputation by appearing in this idiotic pile of anal vomit.

The now infamously awful directing debut of Jennifer Chambers Lynch (daughter of David), it tells the story of Nick (Julian Sands), a young, handsome, successful doctor who has just inherited a beautiful mansion in the countryside. He seems to have everything… everything except the affection of Helena (Sherilyn Fenn), a beautiful young man-eater who Nick has become obsessed with. Why is he obsessed with her? Because she’s hot and he banged her once.  That’s pretty much all the motivation the plot ever bothers to provide for his downright psychotic fixation with her.

Of course, Helena wants nothing to do with Nick, because Nick is a young, handsome, successful doctor who lives in a beautiful mansion in the countryside… which, of course, by this movie’s logic, makes him a complete chick repellent. Helena, instead, shuns Dr. Nick (“Hi everybody!”) for none other than the ripped, super studly, manly man of a man that no woman can resist… Bill Paxton. Yes, Bill Paxton, the uber-hunk who makes Leo DiCaprio look like the fucking Elephant Man by comparison. Yeah…  Ms. Lynch even does us the extra favor of dressing man-god Paxton in a skintight, see-thru shirt and leather pants. I actually just threw up in my mouth a little as I recalled that image, so thank you, Jennifer. Thank you… and fuck you.

But, she soon kicks that sexual tyrannosaurus Bill Paxton to the curb, as well, because as we very quickly find out, thanks to some obvious, heavy handed writing, that Helena is nothing more than a cold, vain, shallow, heartless, soulless bitch who cares about no one but herself… just the kind of character the audience would invest in. But that does not deter Dr. Nick, who lures her to his secluded mansion under false pretenses, and after a freak accident, amputates both of her legs, and decides to care for her at home himself.

Nick thinks that now that Helena is in need of him, she will succumb to his desires. But she, being that nasty little floozy that she is, has no intention of doing any such thing. Instead, she simply continues to taunt and humiliate Dr. Nick to the point where he’s driven to do the only logical thing… take this detestable woman to the hospital and rid himself of her? No silly! Cut off both of her arms, thus rendering her completely limbless and totally dependent on him… DUH!!!

Holy Mary Mother of Fuck this movie is bad! I’m not entirely sure why this movie is so bad… it just is. I think mainly it has to do with the fact that it’s such a bizarre premise, that’s played so straight, that much like “Glen or Glenda”, it just comes off as silly as hell. It totally botched by its own self-seriousness. This is no more apparent than in the film’s many sex scenes, which are meant to be oh-so-provocative, but play like the cheesy, soft-core shit you see on Showtime at 2 A.M. (not that I would know).

Julian Sands, an actor I normally like, is just ridiculous here. “Oh, Helena! I love you! I love you!”, for the love of Christ, Julian, stop embarrassing yourself, man! Sherilyn Fenn (of “Twin Peaks” fame) is okay as Helena, but the character is such an unpleasant, vagina faced cunt-whore that I was mystified as to why any man would want to have more than a one night stand with her. After cutting off her legs and arms, I was hoping and praying Dr. Nick would cut off her head and ram it up her twat-hole just to shut her the fuck up. In fact, thinking it about it, that would’ve made the movie pretty fucking awesome.

Once it gets to Dr. Nick and Helena alone in the mansion, which makes up the bulk of the movie, it just becomes boring and repetitive, and the symbolism on display here is so ass blastingly obvious that even a caveman would get it. Throughout the movie we’re treated to roughly around… oh… thirty shots of the Venus de Milo, just to make sure we ALL get the connection… and if you don’t get the connection of that statue to the story, then I seriously wonder how you managed to turn on your computer… let alone find this site… let alone read this review up to this point…

Ms. Lynch made an admirable attempt at making a thematically compelling film about one person’s desire to possess and control another… but she fucked it up pretty much every step of the way, resulting in a film that is alternately dull, dumb, and unintentionally funny, with a twist ending that will make you want to put a brick through your TV screen. I wouldn’t say that watching it is as wretch inducing as… say… sucking the shit out of an invalid’s asshole… but it’s pretty damn close.

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