***Need more Knight and Day images?  Click here.***

Knight and Day was a great action movie directed by James Mangold whose credits include: Girl Interrupted, 3:10 to Yuma, and Walk the Line. It was well balanced.  There were times were I was on the edge of my seat, cringing as every second rode out on the various action romps littered throughout the film. On the other hand, this movie had a great sense of humor to it that I really enjoyed.  I am not going to lie though, it was pretty much your average Indiana Jones kind of comedic feature, along the lines of chatting through a mine cart ride or a joke or two snuck in right before a death defying slow-motion “explosion evasion dive”.

Except for the occasional corny childhood dreams and sand frolicking moments and a specifically horribly done villain, the movie was fantastic. The action sequences were spectacular and I just wanted more and more of them. The locales were fantastic with Spain, Austria, USA and Jamaica on the dream vacation list.

Cameron Diaz plays June Havens, a woman who is just going through the airport process, trying to make it to her sister’s wedding. Through the tedious scanners and check-ins she has constant run-ins with a mystery man she can’t help but think is her prince charming. After a few comedic encounters, the man introduces himself as Roy Miller (Tom Cruise).  The pulse picks up as soon as June makes it onto a plane with him that, according to Miller, “wasn’t meant to be”.  The dialogue in the film is refreshing and the on screen chemistry between Cruise and Diaz shines through like the first sunshine after a rainstorm.

FBI Agent Fitzgerald played by Peter Sarsgaard was a pretty bland character but lent enough to the film to be considered the villain. He is after Miller and has the whole FBI to back him up…fools. Then there is the stupid, awkward stereotype Latin gangster, arms dealer, Antonio (Jordi Molla) who was probably as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. Truly it doesn’t get more generic and fake than him, and because of that he becomes more a distraction than a supplement to the film. I would get a sour-lame taste in my mouth every time he showed up, regardless which scene it was. I cannot go on without saying Cruise and Diaz both had minor moments within the film that were too cliché for words.

June and Roy must protect oddball Simon Feck (Paul Dune from Little Miss Sunshine) from Fitz and Antonio.  Think of the Indiana, Marion ,and Mutt trio from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull when June, Roy, and Simon are hauling ass, jumping, fighting, kicking, shooting, etc.  Except Simon is approximately eighty-five percent less helpful in everything he attempts.  But, this feeb has a super genius, young mind that developed a never ending power source and, duh, everyone wants it.

The movie moved at the perfect pace…to me. Of course everyone is going to have their own opinions on the matter. Throughout, the two heroes June and Roy are hunted down in plenty of eye popping  scenes one can only describe as visual  bliss. The story is straight, clear, and surprisingly, not sappy! I am weary of all the meaningful movies out with morals and values and cries with hugs.

It’s definitely worth watching, and I believe you will find it more refreshing than you think. Though it sounds like you have heard it done before in regards to the story or the characters, you may find yourself surprised.  Major props to James Mangold and writer Patrick O’Neil for creating such an amped-up-laugh-your-ass-off thrill fest!

Hex hears dead-people, and who gives a Horton?

***Need Megan Fox images?  No!?!  Well, screw you then, don’t CLICK HERE***

The H-Bomb: There seems to be some kind of consensus that thus far this summer movie season has, for the most part, been dull, dreary, and lackluster. Sadly, the release of “Jonah Hex” is going to do very little to buck that trend. As a comic book action western, it’s about as dull, dreary, and lackluster as they come. All this despite the impressive cast (well… impressive on paper, anyway), loud action, and flashy direction.

The last time, at least that I can think of, that Hollywood tried to make a summer blockbuster out of the western genre, they ended up with the truly abominable Will Smith turd sucker “Wild Wild West”. “Jonah Hex” is marginally better, but that’s kind of like saying that drinking cat piss is preferable to eating dog shit… neither is very appetizing.

What’s it about? Please, stop me when this sounds clichéd (no, seriously, please do stop me). “Jonah Hex” tells the oh so original story of a scarred Civil War vet named… you guessed it, Jonah Hex, who has made it his mission to track down the dastardly Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), the man who murdered his wife and son. But, unfortunately for our hero, fate steps in reins in his revenge.

So, now a man without a mission, Hex becomes a fearsome, famed bounty hunter who can speak to the dead (don’t ask). But unbeknownst to Hex, a new cretin is plotting to get a hold of some super cannon dubbed a “Nation Killer” that he plans to level Washington D.C. with during the celebration of the U.S.’s Centennial. Now it’s up to our charred faced, ghost whispering anti-hero to try and stop the plan.  Do I really need to tell you where it goes from there?

From beginning to end, this is the epitome of “been there, done that.” Despite all the over the top gun-play, violence (the PG-13, spatter-free variety, naturally), and shit blowing up in every direction, the movie is just a plodding, predictable 80 minutes of sheer boredom. It was one of those rare films where I found myself glancing at my watch periodically just to see how much longer it would drag on. It’s not a slow movie, it’s just curiously devoid of any kind of a pulse.

Jimmy Hayward (whose previous directing credit was “Horton Hears a Who”) over does it behind the camera and directs the thing like a music video, throwing in all sorts of wild visuals, including animation, in a desperate attempt to breathe some sort of life, any sort of life, into this D.O.A., flatter than a pancake script. He failed.  If Horton heard this who, he’d hang himself with his own trunk.

In fact, not only was the director short changed by the script, but so was the cast. This is particularly true of Josh Brolin. As we’ve seen in recent years, he’s a helluva good actor, and even though he’s no Clint Eastwood, he’s got the grizzled look and the gruff voice, and he could’ve been great in this role, if only he had the material to back him up.

Malkovich, one of modern cinema’s best go to bad guys, is a real disappointment here. He wears his boredom on his sleeve and phones in his performance completely. He looks like he’d rather be stuck in a traffic jam on a hot summer afternoon in a car with no A/C than be anywhere near this movie set.

Megan Fox, as the whore with the heart of gold (for Jonah, at least), is shown prominently on the posters and in the TV spots, but in reality she’s barely in the film at all! If I added up every single moment of her screen time, it would probably only amount to about ten minutes, if that much. I must admit, though, I can think of worse things to stare at than her sweaty, working girl cleavage, which the movie did display in generous amounts. For that I am grateful.

Other somewhat familiar faces (Wes Bentley, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Michael Shannon) pop up briefly throughout the picture, but they’re given so little to do that I wonder why they even bothered to show up.  In fact, I wonder why anybody who worked on this movie in any capacity bothered to show up, given the limp dick results of their labor.

Now, this isn’t a terrible film. It’s not, “Oh my God, this horrid shit bomb is gonna make me slit my fucking wrists” bad, it’s just really not that good, and there are certainly better ways to put your ten bucks to use, such as; donating it to the Salvation Army, or using it as toilet paper, or giving it to an alcoholic vagrant so he can go get tanked up… anything. Because despite all the bangs and booms and bams that this flick provides, it’s ultimately nothing but a tired action yarn that is never even remotely exciting nor suspenseful. It could probably make a decent rental someday… maybe. But only if you’re really, really bored.

The Best “Toy Story”, hands down.

***Need more toys?, click here or on the image above.***

The gang returns with the classic favorites, Woody (voiced by Tom Hanks), Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen), the Potato Heads, Jessie, Bullseye, Rex, Hamm, and we meet a few new toys as well. We FINALLY get to see Barbie and Ken (sorry, but Little Bo Peep, while Woody’s romantic interest, just didn’t cut it for me!), and a few other classics, like the chatter telephone on a string and an over sized baby doll named Big Baby, who was a little more than creepy…more on that later.

Its been 15 years since the first Toy Story adventure and Andy has grown up and is heading off to college. As he packs his room up, he needs to decide what to do with all of his toys, which he has not played with in years. His mom gives him several boxes, some to be taken to college, others for the attic, and a trash bag. She also suggests that his younger sister should start cleaning up her room, but her toys are destined for Sunnyside, the local day care center.

Andy selects Woody as the only toy to accompany him to college and puts all of the others in a bag to be stored in the attic.The bag of toys is mistakenly taken out to the trash and after being rescued by Woody, the toys decide that it would be better to go to the day care center where they’ll be played with by other children instead of collecting dust in the attic. Woody inadvertently ends up in the box with them and they all find themselves being donated to Sunnyside.

Sunnyside appears to be a toy’s paradise for the gang. They are greeted by the day care’s leader, Lots-o-Huggin’ Bear (voice of Ned Beatty), an over sized purple bear who smells like strawberries.  (I was reminded of my Strawberry Shortcake doll who also smelled of strawberries – of course I couldn’t smell Lots-o-Huggin).  But there is more to the fragrant bear than first impressions would have you believe, he is a tyrant, dictator of the center who has created a pyramid of control over Sunnyside.

The toys prepare for a great escape with Woody leading the caper. The purple bear finds out about the plot and sentences the toys to the “Catepillar” room  – with children too young to appreciate the gang’s playing ability. Jessie is used as a paintbrush, Rex is pulled apart, and the toys are tossed about like sand in the sandbox. Buzz requests a transfer to the “Butterfly” room with Lots-O and the other, more tenured toys, only to find out that the gang must “pay their dues.”  Lots-O allows Buzz into the fold, but there is a terrible price to pay, and even Barbie is kicked out of Ken’s Dream House.

Meanwhile, on the way to Andy’s house to arrange for the escape, Woody is swooped up by a little girl who brings him home with her.  She has toys of her own, Trixie, a vivacious triceratops, Buttercup, a friendly unicorn, and Mr. Pricklepants, a thespian hedgehog (voice of Timothy Dalton). But when Woody’s new friends find out that Woody escaped from Sunnyside, they are shocked…no one escapes from Sunnyside! Woody realizes his friends are in trouble and sneaks in the little girl’s backpack to get back to Sunnyside. Plans for the great escape get underway and the gang pulls together to outsmart Lots-O and his gang of toy thugs.

The comedy in this movie is inventive and balances out the mischievous action. Buzz expands his role as a Latin lover, speaking Spanish and dancing around while trying to woo Barbie, and the ascot sporting Ken (voiced by Michael Keaton) stole the show with his “Ken Dream House” and large collection of authentic vintage clothing. (As the daughter of an avid Barbie collector, I actually remembered some of the outfits that are worth a pretty penny in the collector’s arena, and it was fun to see some of the real life outfits on Ken in the fashion show scene!)

However there is a darker side to the film, as expected. Instead of Zorg, or an evil Toy Collector, there is Lots-O. We learn that the once friendly and cuddly bear turned sour after being forgotten, along with Big Baby and a clown, at a picnic by his former owner. Hungry for power and control of Sunnyside, he has created a prison for all of the toys inside, complete with a high tech security system, guards, and an all seeing monkey who monitors the security cameras. All of which create the challenges to the great escape for our gang of toys.

And then there is Big Baby. Big Baby is an over sized damaged infant doll with a droopy eye who is the muscle of the gang. While the film did a decent job of trying to keep this toy as a fairly Disney-friendly villain…it border-lined something you’d see in Chucky or some kind of horror film. Even the clown wasn’t as scary looking as Big Baby.

The 3D film surpassed its 2D counterparts and I would highly recommend it to the kid inside of everyone. Directed by Lee Unkrich (co-director of “Toy Story 2” and “Finding Nemo”), produced by Pixar, and written by Academy-Award winning screenwriter Michael Arndt, Toy Story 3 is hysterical adventure the whole family will enjoy (preferably in 3D).

Why not share some wonderful toys?

Monday, June 14th-June 30th from 9:30AM-6:30PM at
Miami Seaquarium
4400 Rickenbacker Causeway
Miami, Fl 33149

***Click HERE for more movie images -  Click HERE for South Beach Premiere images***

It’s a sign of the times for Hollywood to remake “The Karate Kid” the way it did: overlong and sentimental. It runs almost two and a half hours long, but while it’s up on the big screen, it’s hard to notice. For anyone who has seen the original, this version of “The Karate Kid” is going to bring back memories as it recounts the story almost blow by blow.

When it opened in 1984, “The Karate Kid” became one of the best films to release that year, and it birthed three sequels down the road. This modern version doesn’t have the same appeal or feel, but it does stand as a solid film on its own, which is more than I can say about other recent remakes (“A Nightmare on Elm Street”, let’s say). The lush scenery that comes out of filming mostly on location in China adds just the right amount of exoticism, too, to help draw audiences into the film’s world.

Jaden Smith, son of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, has a natural presence that one expects from the offspring of an A-lister. He plays Dre Parker, a young kid who is uprooted by his mother (Taraji P. Henson) to Beijing, where he is forced to start a new life. It isn’t long before he runs into a pretty girl (Wenwen Han), the school bully (Zhenwei Wang), and his troupe of thugs. There’s a lot to say about the effects of being transplanted to a foreign country at an early age and how cultures sometimes have a natural tendency to clash. Director Harald Zwart doesn’t explore this nearly as much as he could have, but there is still a feeling of empathy for Parker’s homesickness.

The story soon drops Mr. Han, the apartment’s maintenance man, into Parker’s lap. Jackie Chan is a natural choice for this role and it’s refreshing to see him play a more serious man, not prone to the same jokes that, incidentally, made the “Rush Hour”  sequel so popular. Mr. Han, of course, is also a secret kung fu master. The two challenge Parker’s bullies and their kung fu sensei to an upcoming tournament, and quickly go to work training the young boy.

The relationships between Parker and Mr. Han, as well as Parker and his violin-toting love interest, Meiying, develop quickly, but naturally. The kids are cute together, but when Lady Gaga is played, Meiying shows the unfortunate way twelve year old girls dance today, and it’s both strange and hilarious. Call me old-fashioned.

Ultimately, the film leads to the final tournament, where Parker, presented in heroic white cloth, faces off against his tormentors. It’s a well-paced, action-packed end to a film that has concentrated on building the emotional intensity mostly between Parker and Mr. Han. It would have been nice to follow the change in Parker and his mother’s relationship, but then again if the movie was any longer it would be too much to take.

“The Karate Kid” is a familiar, cookie-cutter kid’s movie that appeals just as much to adults, thankfully. It’s as playful as it is, at times, mature. It is not without its downfalls, though. Some characters that could have been important and compelling are axed before the film really gets underway. The convenience of so many people in China speaking near perfect English also lends to the film’s slight fantastic nature. Still, if anything, the film can be used as a starting point for discussions on American’s in foreign countries (Parker, humorously, drops a bit of Spanish when faced with a language barrier).

Go see “The Karate Kid” if you’re looking for a good time with the family or if you’re a huge fan of the original. Don’t go if you’re expecting the same impact the original had when it first came out. “The Karate Kid” is a fun movie, overall, but where it could have hosted exceptional performances with dignity in its own right, it instead presents itself merely as an above average carbon copy.

Batshit Insane!

***Alpha Mike Foxtrot***

Swift shot: DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN!   It’s like with Jaws’ theme, the minute you hear that tune, you are keyed up, ready to meet “The A-Team”.  This film was a terrific action flick, but don’t go into the theater looking for an intriguing plot.  As a standalone action flick though, this baby was high speed, bullets and brimstone balls to the wall . . . awesome.  But a confused plot and some poor character flaws were distracting and pointless.  But, Mr. T needs to check it out and stop being a fool; I pity him for opting out of this modern nod to a series long since dead.  He should be thanking them, and if you stick around past the credits you’ll see some old faces who appreciated the new A-Team.

Director Joe Carnahan’s style comes out in the opening sequence which provides for all the exposition he thinks you need.  Each character is introduced in a hokey fashion; but the folks who grew up watching the series will find their inner kid thoroughly stoked and I challenge you not to grin as old friends return to your imagination.

Colonel Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson) puts loyalty and team-work above anything else, his plans always come together, but his cockiness could be his undoing . . . or his team’s.

Lieutenant Templeton, Faceman, Peck (Bradley Cooper) is the suave, con-artist and ladies man of the squad – who sometimes thinks with the wrong brain and has a tendency to be shirtless.

B.A. Baracus (Rampage) fills out the squad’s roster as the muscle and mechanic, but his character flaws left me wanting to puke throughout [Strike One].  Everytime they addressed it, I rolled my eyes, thinking to myself, “Is NOTHING sacred anymore?”  Let’s just say, in real life, a team of operators might not be so keen to suit up with Baracus.

Finally, my favorite character from the series, Howling Mad Murdock, played by the foppish South African Sharlto Copley.  If you don’t recognize him right away, you will when he lets that South African accent loose.  I was most concerned I wouldn’t like this new Murdock.  He isn’t anywhere near as crazy as Dwight Schultz, and most of madness is eluded to off-screen . . . still, he has nothing to be ashamed of – kudos Wikus.

Once you meet each character and you get a feel for the pulse of the A-Team, you get flashed forward eight years – into Baghdad.  The U.S. troops are pulling out, and in what can only be construed as an homage to Kelly’s Heroes, there is a black op to obtain some illegal $100 mint plates that Saddam managed to pilfer years before – yet was unable to make use of because our forces destroyed the original mint.  The badguys are well aware of the existence of both the plates and the A-Team’s mission to get them back.  Taking a political jab at Blackwater Security Forces, we are introduced to the Black Forest Security company, men that Hannibal refers to as “Assassins in Polos”.  Hannibal finds their lack of allegiance to anything but the almighty dollar quite disturbing, as loyalty is what keeps him warm at night.  Leading the assassins is the lethally practical Pike (Brian Bloom).

The A-Team is framed for stealing the plates and for murdering a high ranking officer at the base.  But, wait, here is where the film really starts to be fun, they are aided in breaking out of prison to recover the plates from the real culprits.  And what happens as each character is busted out is more fun to watch than the opening sequence.  The writers allowed for each character’s quirks to be more defined as they stewed in prison, again, framed for a crime they didn’t commit.  CIA agent, Lynch (Patrick Wilson) assures them he will clear their names if they just get the plates back.  I almost forgot to mention Jessica Biel’s Character, former Captain Sosa.  She is forgettable, and at times her motives felt weak and unbelievable, her character was tacked on to entice male audiences, period.  Yea, I am a sexist pig, but I am right, and you know it.  Gladly, she doesn’t play a typical damsel in distress like the Team used to encounter on a regular basis in the series.  But, her character was so annoying to me, I felt she got in the way of the shit I wanted to see, action and more action!

What I loved

The action!! There are scenes in this movie that will make you scream out loud . . . bullshit!!!  Still, you won’t care, because it is just too much fun to watch – it’s called entertainment after all.  Never you mind the fact that one split second later and Faceman would have been a splatter on the road or that you can’t loop a helicopter, who cares?  Just sit back and enjoy the craziness.  Don’t tell me you really thought the old series crew could build a tank out of a washing machine, yet you can’t swallow a flying tank in 2010?  Suspend that disbelief, gentle viewer.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, this film is in 3-D too, sorta, you’ll see.

What irked me

They made one of my favorite characters carry around a burden I found annoying, only because a real A-Team would have said, hey buddy, you can sit this one out til ya get over that shit.  No one wants a pacifist in a fighting hole.  When the convoluted plot is unraveled, it is weak and lacking imagination.  I wanted more from Carnahan, considering how wacky his plot was for Smokin’ Aces.  [Strike Two] Hollywood’s go-to badguys filled the slot, please, someone write a script where the badguy is a little old lady with a penchant for drag-racing and RPGs or something novel.

One thing I can guarantee is that the next time you are logged in playing any kind of XBox Live game, when that 12 year old pops you in the head with a sniper rifle, the last thing you will hear is AMF!   It’s gonna be THE phrase of 2010, politically, at work, hell, maybe even at church, but I will wager you will get sick of hearing it soon enough.

Oh, and think this is all just Hollywood BS?  Think again, check out this interesting article about a real A-Team, or Operational Detachments Alpha in action right now!  Either way, check out The A-Team!!

The  loveable Great Dane, Marmaduke  from the long running comic strip debuts on the big screen in John Davis’s latest animal adventure. Marmaduke is cut from the same cloth as Garfield, his comic strip adaption from 2004, yet his personality is not nearly as endearing as Garfield’s. To pitch the idea to Fox, Davis put a Great Dane inside a Mini Cooper- the dog was so big that its head stuck prominently through the sunroof- and parked it outside the office of the studio chairman Tom Rothman.

Marmaduke features the voice of Owen Wilson, despite the fact that Marmaduke is one of the few comic strip animals that never spoke. The film also includes the voice talents of George Lopez, Fergie, Emma Stone, Jeremy Piven, and Steve Coogan.

Marmaduke plays a large part in his human family’s life, but when the Winslows (Lee Pace and Judy Greer) move from Kansas to Orange County, the teenage canine joins the crowd at the dog park and discovers that fitting in with his new pals is going to be a challenge.

The dog park social scene plays out much like a typical American High School with all of the accompanying cliques. A Mutts vs. Pedigrees turf war ignites, leaving Marmaduke to choose between impressing the beautiful Collie, Mazie, who is dating the top dog alpha male of the park, and his new found friends who are less than popular, all while trying to help his human family transition through the new move.

In the film’s other plot line, Marmaduke’s owner Phil is trying to make an impression as the new marketing director for a pet food company run by an eccentric pet lover, played by William H. Macy. Phil is torn between work and family life until Marmaduke goes missing…at which time the family pulls together to save the day in a whirlwind rescue of the supersize dog.

The kids will love the crude potty humor and Marmaduke’s antics, but the canine romantic triangle side plot was unnecessary and the writers could have done a better job integrating the human family into Marmaduke’s world. The film would mostly be benefited by Marmaduke not talking period. Overall it was entertaining for the kids, and I would recommend the movie to all canine lovers.

***Need more Splice images?  Click here!***

Is it humane to use human DNA in genetic splicing if it can change human life as we know it? Director Vincenzo Natali’s Splice conveys an intense message that is profound and truly terrifying…in concept. As I leave the theatre, I sift through the film in my head trying to figure out why the previews made it seem like the next great horror film. This film was more disturbing than anything.  It did have the classic recurring recipe for a “creature feature” film a la Frankenstein or Species, where scientists make and develop a creature as their child until it “evolves” enough to be a worldly hazard, which is when they have to take responsibility for their scientific breakthroughs gone wrong and destroy the creatures themselves.

We have our “mad scientists” Colin Clive (Adrien Brody) and Elsa Lanchester (Sarah Polley) who create something for the good of man-kind, despite the moral outrage it would obviously cause. Already extracting a beneficial protein that would help livestock from two spliced flesh-sacks named Fred and Ginger; they ask to push the envelope to human splicing. How those creatures ended up so phallic is beyond me.

The couple feels in their hearts that the benefits of human splicing, like the definite cure to major diseases and some forms of cancer, will out-weigh the morality of it. So, as top genetic splicers of NERD (Nucleic Exchange Research and Development) they emphasize this point with utmost passion not only to have NERD turn down the idea, but it put a stop to their splicing program altogether. They had to now focus on the routine of extracting the protein from Fred and Ginger.

Furious and filled with spiteful curiosity, Clive and Elsa decide to carry on the experiment in secret with human DNA. They do so in a lab within the same building…one wonders the security level of the entire company. “Only until it is an embryo…” Elsa says wide-eyed to Clive. Clive seems like he doesn’t want to go through with the experiment but succumbs to his spouse’s mercilessly bad ideas (It’s his hobby).

As the creature rapidly evolves it becomes more and more dangerous. Follow this with the “hide rapid growing creature” routine of constantly finding bigger hiding places, and we have the basis for the film. Add what someone could laughably call a twist and some “romance”, and it becomes the film we know as Splice.

The acting by Brody and Polley was for the most part, enthralling. Their extreme transition from focused and composed scientists, to deranged and delusional researchers was done with reasonable pace and was very believable. Androgynous newcomer Delphine Chanéac’s performance role of the grown-up creature the scientists named Dren was one of the best I have seen. I will go as far as to say she lent more to the character of Dren than the special effects did. Unfortunately, I feel that the acting was one of the few things that kept the film going. The visuals were all great and the character development was…interesting to say the least.

I understand the film is a look into the future of bio-engineering and the moral issues revolving around genetic engineering. However this gets diluted by stereotypical supporting characters and events becoming increasingly illogical. There are certain events or “facts” without premise or reason that are tossed in to get a perceptible reaction from the audience besides the awkward stare I myself wore as I watched on. The development of Dren in the early stages and the dedication of the scientists as parental figures are touching. It really pulls you right in, preparing you for what you think will be a thrilling and almost inspirational final third part of the movie cleverly wrapping everything up.

The reality is that around this time the plot becomes forced and predictable. The relationship between Clive and Elsa becomes a weird train-crash of bestiality and feigned motherhood that is rushed along by Elsa’s inflexibility and extreme naivety and Clive’s apparent decision to relinquish all control of his love life and scientific career.

My feelings on the movie fall all over the emotional spectrum.  The most discernible being frustration but this is attributed to the aforementioned trailer. With sharp movements and a chilling sound track, you would assume when the announcer ominously breaks in with a deep pitched “Splice”. It was a personal let down. The movie was admittedly exciting in the “what the f&*% is happening” kind of way but so much so that it actually becomes pretty laughable. I think hard core sci-fi and bio buffs will thoroughly enjoy this movie.  Everyone else should brace themselves for a strange genre mixture of creature feature, drama, and romance. Horror fans specifically, STAY AWAY because you will be bloody disappointed.

An adventure of epic(lite) proportions.

***Want more Prince of Persia?  Click the image above for more***

The H-Bomb: Before I get into this review, I have a question to pose to all you fine readers; Who out there can name for me a good, or even okay, movie based on a video game? It’s a serious question, because I pondered it myself, and I truly cannot think of one. “Super Mario Bros.”? No. “Street Fighter”? Hell no. “Mortal Kombat”? I enjoyed it the one time I saw it back in ‘95… when I was fourteen and completely undiscriminating! But alas, I am older now, and a bit more discriminating, so, in other words… no. “Resident Evil”? That boring as hell “Aliens”-meets-Romero knockoff… don’t think so. Therefore, in my estimation, it‘s fair to say that every single film based on a video game has been pure, unadulterated shit.

That was the main obstacle for “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time” to overcome. It has a strong cast, a good director, but… it’s based on a fucking video game! And, as said, video game movies are notoriously awful (even the ones NOT directed by Uwe Boll). So, was “Prince of Persia” able to jump that hurdle? Break that seemingly unbreakable trend?  Well, in a pleasantly surprising way… yes. Despite the stigma of its interactive entertainment source material, it manages to buck the odds and emerge as a perfectly decent movie. Mind you it’s a pure popcorn flick that requires a heavy dose of suspension-of-disbelief, but overall, it’s pretty damn fun.

Set in a mythical ancient Persia (duh), it tells the story of Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal), a street kid who was adopted by the noble King Sharaman (Ronald Pickup) and grows up to be quite the warrior prince; exceptionally brave, very adept at combat, you know the drill. While out on a military campaign with his brothers Tus (Richard Cole), who’s next in line for the throne, and Garsiv (Toby Kebbell), who’s not exactly Dastan’s biggest fan, they discover evidence that the city of Alamut was making weapons and selling them to Persia’s enemies. Despite the reservations of Dastan, Tus, following the sage advice of Uncle Nizam (Ben Kingsley), decides to invade the city with his army and conquer it.

During the ensuing battle, Dastan comes into possession of a very peculiar dagger that everyone seems a little too interested in, particularly Tamina (Gemma Arterton), the fallen city’s princess. It was Dastan’s strategy that won the day in the battle for Alamut, so it’s only right that he be celebrated as a hero. Sadly, the celebration is cut short when King Sharaman is murdered and Dastan is framed for the crime.

After making a quick escape, Dastan is forced to go on the lam with the beautiful but rather bitchy Tamina in tow, who is constantly trying to reacquire that weird dagger. During his quest to clear his name and uncover the truth behind his father’s murder, Dastan discovers that the dagger is an instrument of the gods that has the power to turn back the sands of time (turn back time, in other words), and that the real reason for invading Alamut was not to seize hoards of weapons, but to find and control this dagger. Wait, wait, wait… A powerful country invades another under false pretenses to seize control of a certain commodity… Really, Hollywood? An Iraq War reference? In a movie, set in ancient Persia, based on a fucking video game… really? Or maybe I’m just reading in to it too deeply.

Anyhow, in order to stop the dagger from falling into the hands of whoever this traitor is, Dastan and Tamina must take it back to crystal in some secret temple somewhere and return it to the gods. But it’s not going to be that easy, because not only does Dastan have a huge bounty on his head, he’s also being tracked by Hassansins, an elite society of scary super-goons who are tasked with killing him and retrieving the dagger. Oh, did I mention that if this dagger fell into the wrong hands, the entire world would be destroyed as a result? Let the chase begin…

Essentially, there’s nothing all that new going on here. This movie is basically “Gladiator-lite”, meets “Lord of the Rings-lite”, meets “Monty Python and the Holy Grail-lite” (okay, that last bit was an overstatement, but you get what I mean). It’s a period fantasy yarn kind of in the vain of “Troy”, and on that level, it works pretty well. I have zero knowledge of the game it’s based on, so I can in no way attest to how faithful the film is to it, though Dastan does do a lot of hopping, and flipping, and climbing, all of which I suspect came from the game.

At first, I wasn’t too sure about Jake Gyllenhaal in the lead. I can buy him as a schizophrenic teen or a gay cowboy, but as a full blown, muscle bound action hero? That was a big pill to swallow. However, I will admit, that while he’s no Russell Crowe, he did grow on me in the part. Gemma Arterton, who played the requisite disposable Bond girl in “Quantum of Solace”, is promoted to requisite leading lady here and comes off well. There were actually quite a few sparks of chemistry between her and Gyllenhaal, and it’s nice to see her have more to do in a film than lie naked in oil… though I didn’t mind seeing that.

Ben Kingsley brings some welcome gravitas to the film as Dastan’s Uncle, who isn’t all that he seems, as does Alfred Molina, who fills in the requisite comedy relief role as a greedy, amoral “Entrepreneur” that Dastan encounters in his travels.

Director Mike Newell keeps things moving at a snappy pace and gives the film an appropriate summer movie tone; one that’s never too light and never too dark, though the script was a bit heavy on the quips, and the action got a little too “Matrix-y” in places. The movie’s climax is an over-the-top light-show of special effects that will numb your eyes and your brain alike.

All-in-all, “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time” is an entertaining fantasy adventure that should please young and old alike, even if it is- Heaven forbid- based on a video game.

Sex and the City in the Middle East – excuse me, that’s “The New Middle East”.

***Want more Sex?  Click the image above***

Carrie and the girls are back for another adventure. It’s been two years since we’ve left Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), Charlotte York (Kristin Davis) and Miranda Hobbs (Cynthia Nixon). If you’ll recall, the first “Sex and the City” movie ended with Carrie and John (aka Big) (Chris Noth) marrying, Samantha moving back to New York from Los Angeles, Charlotte giving birth to her and Harry’s (Evan Handler) daughter Rose, and Miranda reuniting with her estranged husband (cause he cheated!! but he felt real bad about it) Steve (David Eigenberg).

Since then, apparently everything’s been going swimmingly!! Now the girls and their families are gathering for the wedding of Carrie’s best gay friend Stanford Blatch (Willie Garson) to Charlotte’s best gay friend Anthony Maratino (Mario Cantone). Fans of the series will recall that Stanford and Anthony were once mortal enemies, but now they are in love (I guess hate sometimes DOES give way to love??) and about to be married in an over-the-top ceremony, complete with Liza Minelli as the wedding officiator.

A few days later, on Carrie and Big’s two-year anniversary, Carrie realizes that their marriage has lost its sparkle when Big’s anniversary gift to her leaves her feeling disappointed. Meanwhile, Miranda is unhappy at her job and yearns to spend more time with her family, and Charlotte can’t handle her unruly two-year old who cries constantly.  Now everything’s not so peaches and cream, is it? Of course not, otherwise there wouldn’t be a movie!!!

When Samantha is offered an all-expenses paid trip to Abu Dhabi, naturally the girls come along to take a break from their troubles. They fly first class (they even have their own cubicles!! Just as if they worked in an office!!) and stay in, well, basically, a palace. Between their own fancy cars, personal butlers, and surrounded by all that decadence, what more can these girls ask for?? But of course, a bit of the real world seeps in as Carrie reads a particularly scathing review of her book. That’s when everything goes askew.

And oh yeah, did I mention that Aidan (John Corbett) returns? The other love of Carrie’s life shows up in the desert (imagine that – it MUST mean something, right??) to further complicate Carrie’s life. I know many of my girlfriends think Carrie should have ended up with Aidan (I disagree, I think Big was her “lobster”) and will be very happy to see Aidan back in Carrie’s life.

What I liked:

Hello!! Who wouldn’t want an all-expenses paid trip to Abu Dhabi?? Since that will never happen to me, it was fun to see what it would be like in the movie (even though the movie was actually filmed in Morocco due to its racy nature, which is a big no no in the Muslim country). I also thought this movie was lighter than the first one, as it lacked the drama of being left at the alter and the infidelity. Of course, Samantha stole the show with her excessive efforts to trick her body into being younger as well as her sheer outrageousness.

What I didn’t like:

During the wedding reception at the beginning of the movie, Liza Minelli performed that awful song “Single Ladies”. I seriously wished I would go temporarily deaf. No offense to Ms. Minelli, but that has got to be one of the worse songs ever. I was praying for my torture to be over. I also felt that Big’s unconventional “idea” about his and Carrie’s marriage was just wrong. It made me a little angry, and I’m not married (not even close). And, for a movie titled “Sex and the City 2” there really wasn’t much sex going on. (I’m just saying!!). Oh and the clothes. Sometimes they were nice. Other times….what were the costume designers thinking?

Fun, light-hearted fare that fans of the series will enjoy. No, this won’t change the world but hey, it’s good for some laughs.