Say hello to a little friend…

Only a few minutes into “Furry Vengeance” it became clear to me that I really should have brought along my friend’s three year old. He would have been able to appreciate the humor and thrills that are lost on those of us who made it out of the single-digit age range. Maybe he could have taught me something about what made this film funny. Since I didn’t have his wisdom, though, I sat through the film like a sour grinch.

The premise is nothing new. A residential developer, played by Brendan Fraser, and his family roll into town to begin a project that threatens a pristine slice of forest nearby. Naturally, when the mischievous forest animals catch whiff of the plan, they revolt. Led by a chittering raccoon, the army of animals who would normally think of each other as dinner turn on Fraser instead, who then becomes subject to all kinds of secretions.

Some might feel bad for Fraser in this role. After all, he gets sprayed by a skunk, soaked by a sprinkler, tossed around in a portable toilet, and crapped on by a flock of birds. Then again, it seems somewhat appropriate. Fraser has long been making comedies deserving of the very same treatment. Still, he has a strong fanbase (who they are, though, I have no idea) and kids love him, so this film is likely to do well at the box office.

Brooke Shields also has a supporting role in the film, which brings some relief to the antics on screen, though it’s not saying too much. She still looks great, but her comedic timing is a bit off. Comedy has never been her thing, but unlike Fraser she’s never tried to make it her thing. She has undeniable presence, though, which makes her fun to watch on screen, especially when she’s wincing at the mess Fraser gets himself into. Yeah, we feel the same way.

As far as the animals are concerned, there is very little given to them in the way of personalities. They don’t talk or really even emote with enough diversity to enjoy them. Instead, they just rub their paws together maniacally or laugh when one of their “plans” comes to fruition. Most of the animals in the film are real, which was to me very nostalgic.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t taken back to when I was a kid like I would have hoped. This was definitely no “Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey.” This isn’t even “Air Bud.”

CGI does come into play throughout the film, though. It’s used to show a variety of facial expressions on all the different animals. There is even one or two creatures that get a complete CGI makeover when using an actual animal would have been just too outlandish, or difficult.

Overall, this is not a very good film. The story is recycled, the jokes are stale, and the performances of the adult and kid cast aren’t engaging in the least. However, very young kids are likely to find it all very funny. Since the film is clearly aimed at them, in a way it accomplished what it set out to do. That doesn’t mean you should rush to take your kids, though. Rent the similar “Over the Hedge” and check that out instead.

Love hurts… and so does this movie.

The H-Bomb: From Garry Marshall, the edgy, inventive, fiercely independent director of such gritty, avant-garde fair as “Runaway Bride”, “The Princess Diaries”, and “Pretty Woman” comes his most shocking, controversial film to date… “Valentine’s Day”; the riveting story of several diverse characters who cross paths on… Valentine’s Day. (Think “Crash“ revamped as a broad, clichéd, and mostly unfunny romantic comedy, and you basically have this film)

I’ll level with you, I hate chick flicks on general principle, and I hate Valentine’s Day because I’m forced to think about all the good looking guys in the world who are getting laid while I’m not. So, when those two elements are combined, for me it basically results in a gigantic shit sandwich seasoned with vomit sauce.

Director Marshall really doesn’t help matters since it seems that he set out to make the “Magnolia” of romantic comedies. Allow me to just briefly go over the cast of characters with you; we have a male florist who isn’t gay (credibility goes out the window right there); a schoolteacher in love, a cheating doctor, a bitter sports reporter, an aging football star with a secret in his… closet, a publicist throwing an anti-Valentine’s Day party, a fledgling actress who works as a receptionist and moonlights as a phone sex “entertainer,” some underachieving dweeb who thinks that Valentine’s always falls on a Thursday, a couple of horny teenagers, a horny first grader (!), a horny elderly couple (!!!), Taylor Swift playing the most gratuitously gratuitous character in cinematic history, the guy who played Jacob in the “Twilight” movies playing the second most gratuitously gratuitous character in cinematic history, and Queen Latifah playing… Queen Latifah (not literally, but basically).

This film went off the rails for me very early on when Ashton Kutcher (an actor I can’t stand) proposes to Jessica Alba (an actress I can’t stand) and she says “Yes.” The very thought of these two people who annoy the piss out of me getting married and breeding sent my Shitty-Ass-Fuck-Suck tolerance meter through the roof and just put me in a very negative mood from the outset. Sadly, the movie did far too little to improve my mood for the duration.

For the first act of the film, everybody was just breezing around an unnaturally bright and sunny L.A. with big, perky smiles plastered on their faces. Everyone in the flick seemed so Goddamn content and happy with their perfect little lives, giving each other hugs, kisses, and creepy little plastic hearts with feet that walk around when you wind them up, that I started to wonder, “Is there gonna be a movie here? Or is this just a two hour commercial for Valentine’s Day?” Alas, drama starts to unfold in the second act as the characters find out that their perfect little lives aren’t as perfect as they thought they were.

During these moments, characters get all teary eyed while over-bearing music plays on the soundtrack. You know the kind of music that sitcoms play when a rare serious dramatic scene occurs, that kind of music that condescendingly tells you “Okay, this is a sad part, feel sad“… that’s the kind of music I’m talking about here. But, with absolutely no interest in straying from predictable, formulaic convention, Marshall has everything wrap up all nice and tidily and gives everyone a happy ending… the kind that only ever happens in the movies .

Now, I know I sound like some bitter, romantically challenged curmudgeon on a tirade, and I am. However, I would be lying if I said there aren’t some bright spots in this film. I liked George Lopez as a no nonsense flower delivery man, Hector Elizondo brought his A game as a man who still deeply loves his wife after a half century of marriage (despite the fact that he easily has the worst line in the film, “Now that I know the truth, everything else feels like a lie.” Uggghhhh), I can watch Anne Hathaway do just about anything and be somewhat interested (and aroused), Jennifer Garner gives a speech towards the end that is downright hilarious, and there are several amusing moments sprinkled throughout that almost rise to the level of funny.

When all is said and done, however, I just found it dull, ripe with cliché, and at times excruciating to sit through (I really had to resist the urge to throw my soda cup at the screen and shout obscenities at Taylor Swift’s annoying, dumbass, bimbo Barbie doll of a character and her stupid fucking over-sized teddy bear). The whole movie is just so sugary and syrupy that I felt like I needed to brush my teeth after watching it. Worst of all, it goes on for-fucking-ever, mainly because there are so many damn characters! I felt like my least favorite holiday was unfolding before my eyes, in real time… slowly.

Judging from the reaction of the people I saw it with, I may very well be in the minority here, and I’m sure it will make some major bank, but for me, the over-the-top cutesy-cutesy-happy-happy-sweetness of it all made me just want to stab out my eyeballs and puncture my eardrums so I wouldn’t have to endure any more of it. If I want to watch a movie named after a holiday, I’ll take “Halloween” and “A Christmas Story”, thank you very much.

It seems like The Rock has given up action movies in favor of kid-friendly comedies. In Dwayne Johnson’s latest kiddie flick, “Tooth Fairy”, The Rock plays Derek Thompson, a cocky, arrogant hockey player better known as “The Tooth Fairy” because of his penchant for knocking opposing player’s teeth out. When a hotshot new player Mick “the Stick” Donnelly (Ryan Sheckler), comes on the team and steals Derek’s thunder, Derek does not take it well. He takes out his frustrations on his girlfriend Carly’s daughter Tess (the adorable Destiny Whitlock) by nearly telling her that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist. His punishment for not believing is being summoned to Tooth Fairy Land, where he is ordered to serve two weeks as a tooth fairy.

As a tooth fairy, Derek is given some pretty awesome gadgets to complete his tooth-gathering job, including Invisible Spray, Amnesia Powder, Shrinking Paste, and Cat Away, most of which he uses during off-duty hours to his own advantage. In one scene, he repeatedly uses Amnesia Powder on Carly (Ashley Judd) until he sufficiently answers her question about their relationship. While serving his sentence, Derek grows closer to Carly’s son Randy (Chase Ellison) but he ends up shattering his dream of becoming a rock star. Derek can be a really rotten guy!!!

Chock-full of corny puns and sight gags, the only part of the movie I appreciated were the scenes with Julie Andrews. The always-regal Andrews is sufficiently exasperated at Derek’s antics but she handles him with grace. Oh, how do you solve a problem like Derek Thompson?   Right!  I went into this movie not expecting much and that’s what I got. hell, a dollar under my seat would have been nice. It’s a decent flick for the kids, not so much for the adults I am afraid.   There’s a cameo from a certain “guy”, but I don’t want to ruin it for you as it may be the only thing that keeps you awake – that and the screaming children surrounding you!

The H-Bomb: How in the hell did a movie starring Harrison Ford, Ashley Judd, and Ray Liotta get dumped straight to DVD? Isn’t Harrison Ford one of the most bankable stars working today? Why then, have you (most likely) never even heard of this film? Sadly, there is a very good reason…

South African born writer/director Wayne Kramer made a big splash a few years ago with “The Cooler”, a casino set drama that starred William H. Macy and got Alec Baldwin a nomination for Best Supporting Actor. After that, he came out with the wild-as-fuck, acid trip crime thriller “Running Scared”. While that one wasn’t received very well, I personally had a blast with it, and Mr. Kramer became one of my rising directors to keep an eye on. He showed true promise… unfortunately, much of that promise has diminished with the release of his latest; the self-important, preachy, half-baked “Crash”-wannabe “Crossing Over”.

Much like “Crash”, “Crossing Over” is set in modern Los Angeles, boasts a large ensemble cast with many different story threads that intersect, and deals with clashing cultures and race relations. Specifically, the overall theme is immigrants in the U.S.; how we treat them, how their cultures often clash with our own, what they have to go through to become Citizens, how we respond when they present a world view different from our own.

This would all be well and good, except Kramer’s approach is so heavy handed, and his examples of differing cultures and ideologies are so extreme, that the film is ultimately rendered ridiculous. Among the story threads are an Iranian family who commits an “Honor Killing” because it’s part of their culture, a Bangladeshi teenager who gives an over-the-top speech to her class that sympathizes with the 9/11 terrorists and more or less condones their actions, a Korean youth whose forced onto the path of becoming a gang banger, and the most idiotic of them all, an Immigration Official who agrees to help a struggling Australian actress get a green card… if she agrees to meet him regularly for sex.

If your overall impression of America came simply from watching “Crossing Over” you’d think it’s a mean, unwelcoming place and that immigrants would be better off staying where they came from. Well, for one thing, that’s bullshit since the United States is a country of immigrants. And for another, if that is the impression Kramer is going for, then he seems to be constantly undermining it with his own plot.

Take the Bangladeshi girl, for example. After her speech she’s reported to Homeland Security and is put on the fast track to deportation when it’s discovered that her parents are illegal immigrants. Now the film wants me to be on her side, it wants me to feel bad for her, but after her little introductory monologue, I’m not and I don’t. In a big scene where she’s weeping and saying goodbye to her siblings, I’m supposed to be weeping right along side her, feeling her pain. But, instead, I was thinking, “Fuck her! They can’t kick her ass out of the country fast enough, as far as I’m concerned!” In fact, this is the character that the film puts most of its emotional weight behind… big mistake.

When the film isn’t shooting itself in the foot like that, it caves in on itself from being obvious and overly simplistic. When we meet Harrison Ford’s Immigration Officer at the beginning, we see him rounding up Mexican illegals. The film makes it clear, Ford feels bad about that, he doesn’t like his job, he doesn’t believe in it. Well, that’s understandable, but we do have immigration laws for a reason.

Despite its obviousness, “Crossing Over”‘s message is a mixed one. On one hand, it seems to be saying, “can’t we all just get along?” But on the other hand, it seems to say that some customs just can’t be tolerated (like… um… “Honor Killings” for example).

The film wears its sincerity on its sleeve, and the game cast does the best it can, but dramatically it just never gels. Aside from getting me to actively dislike some of the characters (Ray Liotta is a fucking slime-ball in this), its emotional impact was nonexistent. Kramer tried to make a significant social drama here, but since the most significant thing I can think of about this movie is the fact that Sean Penn’s supporting role was left completely on the cutting room floor, I think it’s safe to say he failed. This one isn’t even worth a rental.

I hate Sharkboy and Lavagirl. I harbor a general dislike for the Spy Kids. If it’s family fare with Double R at the helm, I’m the dad using redirect tactics on my ADHD children at the theater…”Hey, look! There’s a bum! Let’s roll his ass!” This typically works, until the DVD’s are released, then I’m the dad praying for the DVD player to break after the 10th successive viewing in one day…which is repeated every day…for months on end. Thank God for my crappy day job (and the extra scratch I get from bum-rolling), my tie and I would reverse roles.

Shorts centers on Toby “Toe” Thompson (Jimmy Bennet), an eleven year old with the unfortunate luck in finding himself at odds with the town ruffians. Their ring leader? Helvetica Black (possibly one of my favorite names for a villainess AND she comes with her own beautifully simplistic theme song), played by Jolie Vanier. Her dad? Carbon Black (James Spader), the head of Black Box Industries and owner of Black Falls, where everyone who works for B.B.I. lives, including Toe’s family, led by Jon Cryer and Leslie Mann. Toby’s first run in with the rainbow rock is after he gets pelted in the noggin with it, though you’ll quickly see that he isn’t the first kid, nor the last person, to have a turn with the wishing rock. Of course, everyone is reckless with their wishes, but thankfully the audience is spared from the final everything-back-to-status-quo wish, though this ending isn’t that much better, or all that different. If only one of them wished for a gun, so that I could be put out of my misery…

It took awhile, or maybe I haven’t been paying close enough attention, but Rodriguez’s association with Quentin Tarantino finally has him giving that out-of-sequence-story telling technique a shot. He does it rather well, weaving several short stories together neatly, utilizing his narrator very effectively to keep it coherent for the slower children in the audience. This approach helped keep my interest up despite the overall dull storyline. The actors were neither great nor horrible, but I think the blame lies on the characters being poorly developed. Giving every character one trait that defines them (along with a name to match-most notably “Nose,” who likes to pick boogers) does not make a character necessarily good or interesting. That’s probably my biggest beef with double R’s films; they’re all style, no substance – and Shorts couldn’t even show, let alone place, in style. Judging by the successes of his other family films, he obviously is doing SOMETHING right as far as milking parents by way of their children are concerned, but I’ll be damned if I know what it is.

Exercise your parental rights and practice your anti-drug techniques by just saying “No” to your children’s heartfelt desire to tug your purse strings on this one. Make them watch Goonies instead – kid’s need direction.

Better wait for year two

Storyline

An ‘enchanted’ story about two hunter, gatherer’s attempts to rescue the women they love, during the year 1 A.D . . .  *insert loud power heave here.

The Cast

Jack Black.  Michael Cera.  Oliver Platt. David Cross.  Hank Azaria.  Bill Hader . . . the list goes on and on.  Okay, Jack Black—you either love him or hate him, right?  Michael Cera—the same.  Oliver Platt: who can hate Oliver Platt?  I mean, c’mon people.  He’s practically a substitute God when one’s on vacation or goes in for surgery.  And Bill Hader? Why hasn’t a statue been erected of him at our nation’s capitol or a new designer narcotic named after him to be passed out at Floyd concerts?  “Dude, pass the Hader, man!  Right-right.  Sorry… It’s just once you hit the Hader, nothing else matters. I know what you mean, bro.  I know what you mean…”  Anyhoo, back to reality since my Hader just wore off . . . the cast just didn’t have any dialogue to work with.  They did what they could, but this should have been seen a mile away before shooting.  

The Good, Bad and Indifferent

Again, it’s like going to a reunion: you see all your old buds.  You stay in good cheer waiting to see or hear something to really catch your attention, but it never happens.  You leave knowing, “hey, at least I saw Jack Black and didn’t get suckered into seeing, “Jackasses of Christmas Past” …or something like that, but you just blew some hard earned cash that could of scored you that new kittens floating in bubbles screen saver or three-degree burns chewing gum you wanted to so badly give to your father-in-law on the fourth – damn!  Poor dialogue and weak story arc will crush a movie anytime, especially with predictable comedic cast-typing.  Pretty much wrecked Chevy Chase’s career.

The Bottom Line

Wait until they figure something out for the sequel – if there is one.  The film was made for around $75M, dollars, if you can believe that.

“Tell your stupid story . . .  and die already!” – Elaine Benis on the English Patient

Benjamin Button takes you on a long, pointless journey with a passionless void of cliched themes and uninspired screen-writing.  So many other critics have labeled this a rip-off of Forrest Gump, but as this film was based on a Fitzgerald work, I guess it would be the other way around, in essence.  Either way, comparing this to Forrest Gump is like comparing Throw Momma From the Train with Body Heat – there is no direct comparison.  It’s lazy criticism and knee-jerk journalism.  Since I caught this after it was released and heard the comparison, I started to dissect that theory, and really, with the exception of it being about a challenged man’s life, there endeth the comparisons.

On its own, Benjamin Button sucked, it was too long and quite boring.  It was well acted, or rather it was well animated with some pretty good voice-overs by Brad Pitt as the lead.  The whole film I kept waiting for something interesting, something really important, to happen – anything with real dramatic oomph, there were some moments that arguably fit, but nothing that really slammed home.  Every chance the film had to be great, it just sort of petered out into nothingness, there were some moments where I felt a crescendo building and then, pianissimo – nothing.  I kept re-writing the script in my head, this is what I would have done here, here is how I would have made this scene more imaginative and lively, for example.  Whenever I find myself doing that to a film, it is because I am bored or disgusted.  Since I shelled out my own cash for Button, I was both.

I was expecting a lot and was left with the biggest ‘who cares’ ever.  Missing from the story was a pivotal antagonist, everyone knows to tell a great story, you need a good antagonist.  Benjamin Button had me pining to hit the fast forward button throughout!  I like all manner of movies, I like chick flicks and dude flicks equally.  My only real criteria for movies is that they keep me interested or entertained at least 90 percent of the time.  With Button, I was neither, maybe about 10% of the time I was entertained and for an almost three hour run time, that is just unacceptable.

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I noticed that within the past few years there have been an influx of spoof movies being released.  Just to name a few, there has been the “Scary Movie” series, “Epic Movie”, “Disaster Movie”, and now we have Dance Flick, written, directed, produced, and starring the Wayans family.

To me, this movie felt rather disjointed.  Instead of a story with a beginning, middle, and end (for example, “White Chicks” to name another Wayans production which is superior to this one), Dance Flick basically followed the plot of “Save the Last Dance” with other movie parodies thrown in as filler.  I’m surprised it even lasted as long as it did (around 90 minute run time).  Staying true to the name of the movie there were several dance numbers as well as an entertaining remake of the song “Fame”.

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Slogging, useless twaddle

This “suspense-thriller” was thirty minutes too long and had more fat in it than a Texas BBQ, pounds of crap should have been shredded from the script and at least three of the characters could have been easily omitted.   I found myself feigning interest and started counting the unapologetic sighs surrounding me in the theater, the endless stream of cell-phone lights that started twittering in the dark as people started checking their email – anything to avoid the monotony of this severely underwhelming story. 

Oh, make no mistake this movie will have some nut-job conspiracy theory groups bounding to their laptops, “See, See, I told you that Blackwater (for example) was going to take over the nation”, as if the CIA, NSA or newly created DHS would allow their power to be suborned by some private firm of mercenaries – depending on your take on these groups.  I was really left flat by this film’s message, if there was one – I missed it.

 

 

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