“Tell your stupid story . . .  and die already!” – Elaine Benis on the English Patient

Benjamin Button takes you on a long, pointless journey with a passionless void of cliched themes and uninspired screen-writing.  So many other critics have labeled this a rip-off of Forrest Gump, but as this film was based on a Fitzgerald work, I guess it would be the other way around, in essence.  Either way, comparing this to Forrest Gump is like comparing Throw Momma From the Train with Body Heat – there is no direct comparison.  It’s lazy criticism and knee-jerk journalism.  Since I caught this after it was released and heard the comparison, I started to dissect that theory, and really, with the exception of it being about a challenged man’s life, there endeth the comparisons.

On its own, Benjamin Button sucked, it was too long and quite boring.  It was well acted, or rather it was well animated with some pretty good voice-overs by Brad Pitt as the lead.  The whole film I kept waiting for something interesting, something really important, to happen – anything with real dramatic oomph, there were some moments that arguably fit, but nothing that really slammed home.  Every chance the film had to be great, it just sort of petered out into nothingness, there were some moments where I felt a crescendo building and then, pianissimo – nothing.  I kept re-writing the script in my head, this is what I would have done here, here is how I would have made this scene more imaginative and lively, for example.  Whenever I find myself doing that to a film, it is because I am bored or disgusted.  Since I shelled out my own cash for Button, I was both.

I was expecting a lot and was left with the biggest ‘who cares’ ever.  Missing from the story was a pivotal antagonist, everyone knows to tell a great story, you need a good antagonist.  Benjamin Button had me pining to hit the fast forward button throughout!  I like all manner of movies, I like chick flicks and dude flicks equally.  My only real criteria for movies is that they keep me interested or entertained at least 90 percent of the time.  With Button, I was neither, maybe about 10% of the time I was entertained and for an almost three hour run time, that is just unacceptable.

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I noticed that within the past few years there have been an influx of spoof movies being released.  Just to name a few, there has been the “Scary Movie” series, “Epic Movie”, “Disaster Movie”, and now we have Dance Flick, written, directed, produced, and starring the Wayans family.

To me, this movie felt rather disjointed.  Instead of a story with a beginning, middle, and end (for example, “White Chicks” to name another Wayans production which is superior to this one), Dance Flick basically followed the plot of “Save the Last Dance” with other movie parodies thrown in as filler.  I’m surprised it even lasted as long as it did (around 90 minute run time).  Staying true to the name of the movie there were several dance numbers as well as an entertaining remake of the song “Fame”.

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Slogging, useless twaddle

This “suspense-thriller” was thirty minutes too long and had more fat in it than a Texas BBQ, pounds of crap should have been shredded from the script and at least three of the characters could have been easily omitted.   I found myself feigning interest and started counting the unapologetic sighs surrounding me in the theater, the endless stream of cell-phone lights that started twittering in the dark as people started checking their email – anything to avoid the monotony of this severely underwhelming story. 

Oh, make no mistake this movie will have some nut-job conspiracy theory groups bounding to their laptops, “See, See, I told you that Blackwater (for example) was going to take over the nation”, as if the CIA, NSA or newly created DHS would allow their power to be suborned by some private firm of mercenaries – depending on your take on these groups.  I was really left flat by this film’s message, if there was one – I missed it.

 

 

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Poor acting ambushes a mediocre story.

This film was a piece of poorly acted, anti-war propaganda designed to vilify the evil US government from damned near opening sequence to final credit.  Not once did we find a positive veteran character, seemingly the entire unit returns from Iraq a bunch of drunk, wife-beating baby-killers.  Yes, if you are a veteran of any war or forward action, don’t even waste your time on this piece of crap.  I was disappointed to see some of my more favored actors lent their credit to this film [Ciarán Hinds and Josef Sommer], while Channing Tatum from the epic Step Up was so terrible in it, at times he fumbled over his lines so much it smacked of S.E.R.E. training where you modify your speech patterns to transmit subtle messages of resistance to assure your comrades you haven’t been broken.

The acting was so bad in some scenes I was actually waiting to hear cut.  Leading lady, if you want to call her that, Abbie Cornish,  looked like she was a kid playing pretend in every scene – seemingly enjoying her terrible attempt at a Texas drawl. Many of the actors performances came across that way to me, plastic, molded in some kind of pretense or make-believe – rarely did I truly empathize with them.  

At first I thought this movie was a contract film, where the actors had to work for the studio, as good little soldiers (forgive the blatant pun) essentially Hollywood’s version of a stop-loss.  But, then I remembered, this film coincided directly with the surge – so I imagine the studio wanted to release it quickly and the scenes had to stick, even the more terrifically terrible ones.

If I seem harsh, I am, bitter even at this pandering to fear and showing nothing but the darker side of the US military.  No one forced any of these people to sign up, there is no draft and the stop-loss spectre was surely something talked about in the hooches in Iraq.  If you don’t want to serve, no one is forcing you . . . yet.  War is not a game to be played when it is convenient, war is hell.  But, the film wasn’t completely a waste of time, as I gleaned some vague concepts through the churlish acting.  Sometimes the paths we choose open hatches while others slam shut in stifled silence. As we endure the pains of redemption for those misguided journeys – we grow with our comrades by our side.  

To every man upon this earth Death cometh soon or late; And how can man die better Than facing fearful odds For the ashes of his fathers And the temples of his gods? - Lord Thomas Babington Macaulay

I’m – not laughing, I’m I’m not laughing.

Lame, moronic teeny bopper waste of money and time.  I mean, obviously I wasn’t expecting too much, let’s be real.  It wasn’t like I was forced to watch this film, but since I hit puberty 20 years ago I really found the jokes and comedy beneath me.  I am sure someone out there will really like this film, no doubt a member of Congress considering the level of intellect required to enjoy this dross.  

If writer, Freedom Jones, had half a wit, she’d be a half-wit – to be fair, she did work in a Fraggle Rock reference, so I have to tip my hat there.  The only saving grace was character actor, Adhir Kalyan whose over the top gay performance stole every scene, followed by a guy who is supposed to be an uber douche, Dr. Rick (David Walton) but when you realize the lead character Nick, (Eric Christian Olsen) is as much, if not more of a douche than the ‘bad guy’ you find yourself not caring about either of them.  And would someone please tell Olsen to find his own voice, he still isn’t Jim Carrey – sheesh!  

If you start to watch this cheerleader movie with your stupid goggles on you will force yourself to laugh, when inside you are crying out in terrible angst – “I knew I should have stayed home”, so, to appease your ego, you smirk at times, even laugh out loud, but inside you are dying and counting the moments until the end.  The only thing worse than the movie is the people who actually swallowed this shitter up with a big spoonful of stupid.  Congress, I’m looking at you!

Guys, you won’t see any skin, girls, you will but will wish you hadn’t; it is PG-13 after all.  But, I am a child of the 80s, and a self-described knuckle-dragger; I need to see my ‘stupid’ movies provide some solace, sex or violence or anything in between, I saw more adult themes in Meatballs Part II (the crappy one with the ugly, creepy alien).  

One character I loved, you will too, Sylvia (Margo Harshman) because she could hold her own acting, and her attitude and only real line, “I’m just saying”, is exactly how I felt watching this film.  Also, she provided the much needed violence!  

Score one for the promo department at Sony, they got me to watch this with the previews sucking me in, give them a safety.  Overall, you won’t feel disgusted with yourself for seeing this film, but, if you are over 13 – you should.  ”I’m just saying.”

THE READER opens in post-WWII Germany when teenager Michael Berg (David Cross & Ralph Fiennes) becomes ill with scarlet fever and is helped home by Hanna Schmitz (Kate Winslett), a stranger twice his age.  When Michael recovers and seeks out Hanna to thank her, the two are quickly drawn into a passionate but secretive affair that only lasts one summer.

This movie probably touches on many young boy’s fantasies of being seduced by an attractive older woman and being taught all manner of unspeakable sexual acts. The only difference is their fantasies probably wouldn’t include them reading an inordinate amount of books while doing so. The books were the only caveat to Michael’s affair with Hanna. It isn’t until much later, while he’s attending law school and witness to a trial that includes Hanna, does he realize why.

THE READER spends most of the duration in flashbacks, drawing you in with the younger Michael’s affair with Hanna, and the time he spent in law school. It starts to bog down when we are treated to present day glimpses of the older Michael (Fiennes) reliving the mistakes he’s made regarding Hanna. I was rather impressed with the authentic sounding German accents the actors embraced. Unlike The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, the Germans sounded German, not British. Unfortunately, that was the most redeeming quality of the film, as the audience really didn’t have any one to root for. I certainly didn’t care for Hanna’s fate, though I appreciated the turmoil running through Michael’s mind. In the end, I didnt’ care for Michael, who came off more as a coward in the face of doing what is right. While many would believe that he redeemed himself in the end, it was really more of a token gesture than anything.

Unless you want to drool over Winslett’s naked body, I wouldn’t advise watching this anywhere else but from the comfort of your couch.

Read the Director and Studio’s rebuttal to “fringe critics” below:

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Kill the headlights and put it in neutral.

Unattractive and mildly entertaining.  The speed and pace of this movie are fast, but the action seems too tacked on and unbelievable to be interesting.  These days, action stars need grit and dirty fingernails – and this character needs more depth.  But, for action alone, you won’t be disappointed – there are plenty of twelve-on-one fight scenes with expected results.  The director did a decent job of contrast with the quick and lethal delivery of Statham’s lines compared to French actor, Francois Berleand as Inspector Tarconi – whose delivery was so lethargic you just know they tacked on a whole reel of wasted film.

Speaking of wasted reels, most of the dialog of this film was redundant and pointless.  The whole film could have been a half hour wordless animated graphic novel in sleek black and white – and then it might have been interesting.  There are over four scenes wherein food is discussed at length in some vain attempt at realism, which fails miserably and is almost painful to watch.

The acting was miserable in most scenes, and downright pointless in several.  Saved only by evil bad guy numero uno, Mr. Johnson played by Prison Break’s Robert Knepper – he seemed genuine in scenes where he lost control, while attempting, in vain, to be in complete control throughout his inane mission.

And, how many more movies can Jason Statham star in where he has to keep moving or die?  I liked it the first time I saw it, or didn’t actually, when it was called Crank. I just saw that they are already shooting for a release date in 2009 for Crank 2 – is there no end?

This film irked me because they used that cheesy speed motion cinematography from 60s era Love Bug movies to show some of the car chases in super fast speed.  Aren’t we passed that now, and if we aren’t, do a better job at fooling us, please.  The “message” of this movie was the final straw for me; the evil company hell bent on dumping toxic waste goes through this elaborate scheme to dump it in Eastern Europe – when everyone knows they would really just move on to the next nation that would actually accept their bribes.

The only thing that could have saved this movie was some gratuitous sex.  If you are going to see it for that reason alone, connect the dots on Natalya Rudakova’s face as the damsel, doofus in distress Valentina who is so annoying and weak you almost root for the bad guy at the end – just to end her pointless direction, and realize Ukranian women are not like the Russians – they don’t bare more than ankle bones and peticoats, apparently. I was sitting next to a lesbian who sighed heavily when the “sex scene” was over – we both looked at each other, like, that was it?  Yes, that was it, and please heed my advice, save your $10- $12 bucks and don’t even rent this one in some vague attempt to appear cool, as only teens and speed freaks will like this spoon fed tripe.