I was expecting SLC Punk meets London, but what I got was as disappointing as British cuisine.

It was like some kind of homo-erotic Oliver Twist story with limited violence.  I was expecting London to be dripping with blood, and for the most part – all we got was American Crayfish and junkies strewn about with some Russian mobsters and the occasional awkward moments of, I guess it was supposed to be tension?  Who knows, and the killah of RocknRolla, there is going to be a sequel!  The Real RocknRolla – at the end this is revealed, and I was thinking, no thanks, I just wasted time and money THINKING I was going to be learning about this amazing idiot.  Jeremy Piven and Gerard Butler can’t pull this script out of the Thames, I only hope Sherlock Holmes is much better, Guy Ritchie.

Yes, ok, I will give you it had some interesting concept cinematography, but the overall package was thrown together with no symphonic balance.  Even the soundtrack sucked the big one, with the exception of the title song – and then, just barely.  The whole movie I was BEGGING for someone to kill the “RocknRolla” – who by the way was essentially an after-thought waif with so little class he might as well have been telling pimps how to run underage hoes for ACORN.

There was one cool scene, reminiscent of a Spenser, Robert B. Parker novel, where a foot chase actually winded the pursuers and pursued and you could feel it, unlike a typical Hollywood script where no one runs out of bullets, misses a high-octane shift or runs out of energy.  So, I liked that bit, but it was a two-hour movie that should have been 90 minutes at best.  I was initially bummed I missed this in theaters – this might be your thing if you like British gangster flicks lacking oomph.

“Nothing but a complete Hershey’s squirt…”

Ye ‘ol Storyline

This ‘comedy’ tells us the story of Marc Pease (Jason Schwartzman); grown man living life vicariously through recollections of youthful glory. Eight years out of high school, he’s still living in yester year—high school delusions. He even dates a 17 year-old –like, yuck! Over the course of a day, events come to a head. While watching from the sidelines as his former teacher/mentor, Mr. Gribble (Ben Stiller) oversees the opening night of a high school musical, Pease has an epiphany. Through a cathartic, hilarious process, he finally exorcises his demons and realizes there’s more to life than the roar of greasepaint and the smell of a Broadway crowd or is there…zzzzzz, I long for the sweet, sweet release of death.

The storyline is what killed the video star here. So good, this flick should have gone straight to braille!

The Cast and Crew

Ben Stiller, Anna Kendrick and Jason Schwartzman put their best foot forward, but there lies the problem. Once you become a ’star’ the audience starts expect what kind of role you’ll be playing in the film they’re about to watcg –I know, I know, not always true, but it’s tough to breakout of this unless you’re a champion actor and you really, really know your craft. I would say Schwartzman is the only one that comes close. Stiller is good for comedy, but that’s about it – never go fully retarded. I’m going to say all the talent brought their “a-game,” but the script was just too light. No major conflict. No major love affair. Nothing really gained nor lost. Borefest ’09, right here people.

For set design, Bryony Foster needs a big Ck “hats off.” All the shots were setup nice with the colors and scenery chosen. I’m curious what they paid the poor soul because this looked like a cheap overall production.

The Good, Bad and Indifferent

The good thing here is another independent was made. On that note, the bad thing is…another independent was made. This type of movie tends to lock in the notion independent movies just aren’t worth the risk to watch, so why bother? If you were told Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction could be made for $8M and gross $250M world wide – would you risk investing in it? Now, after reading the script, if you were a suit running a studio, you probably would give the green light. Probably laugh at someone telling you $250M would be made, but give the go ahead to shoot the darn thing – just to shut up that assistant bucking for the scraps at your teat.  Now, I would be willing to bet my ’82 civic, Star Wars collection of yellowed bed sheets and my pig named Little Rat that the script for this movie sucked right outta the gate. You can make a bad movie from a good script, but you can’t make a good movie from a bad script.

The overall production was fine. Again, big talent needs a big script to execute great acting or the film will go down in flames. Imagine a major ball player at your local batting cages. How weird would that be, huh? I’m not saying you need a $40M budget either. I’m the biggest fan of $5M and under projects; it shows ya “what ya really got.” Strong scripts + strong performers = strong box office returns and/or overall returns i.e. Sideways and Little Miss. Sunshine once everyone takes a chance to see what the Oscars are talking about.

The Bottom Line

Don’t waste your time. It just stunk.

“What happens in Paris, stays in Paris . . . as the champagne cork takes out my left eye.

Storyline:  A romantic drama set in the ‘20s, Paris, where the son of a courtesan retreats into a fantasy world after being forced to end his relationship with the older woman who educated him in the ways of love.

The Cast:  Michelle Pfeiffer, Kathy Bates, Rupert Friend (and he’s no friend I tell ya!)  Poor, poor Michelle.  She should have waited for another comeback role.  This one bit the big one, chewed it up, poo’d out the goods and up grew a twig tree from the seed.  The story was weak.  The scenes were drab.  The dialogue was forgettable.  Kathy Bates was also not a good choice.  Her sheer presence is just too strong.  She steam rolls over everyone.  She needs to be in a vampire series or something.  Someone give Alan Ball a ring, Kathy needs to show up as a trampy cougar vamp on True Blood—now that’s the ticket! The cast was just poorly directed and this crew should have never been put together.  Unbelievable.  Very forgettable…

(more…)

Revolutionary Road is a period piece, taking place in 1950’s America, and is adapted from the novel by Richard Yates. It should have remained in novel form. The story revolved around a married couple who become disenchanted with suburban life, living the rut called the American Dream. In an attempt to change it up, they decide to move to Paris, but two things stand in their way – a lucrative promotion, and the possibility of a newborn to bring their family to five.

Leonardo DiCaprio (Frank Wheeler) and Kate Winslet (April Wheeler) bring their dynamic chemistry back from their pairing in Titanic. The acting was fantastic. Both actors bring out the subtle nuances of emotions as if they really feel them. And DiCaprio has the market cornered on blind rage. I can’t think of another actor off the top of my head that can do that as powerful as he can.

The only odd thing that stuck out was that April Wheeler, a housewife and mother of two, seemed to be constantly bereft of her children. Their presence was barely felt throughout the movie. You weren’t even aware they HAD children until about the thirty minute mark, and even then (at least for me) you think they’re neighborhood children. I guess it was so we could better focus on the Wheeler adults, but it felt more like the family was a sham. If the kids were going to be nonexistent anyway, Director Sam Mendes should have had them written out of the script altogether.

Unfortunately, good chemistry and great acting can’t do anything for a paltry story. You can’t polish a turd, as they say. Avoid at all costs.