Look out superheroes, the villains are taking center stage.

***More despicable pictures, here***

Gru, voiced by Steve Carell with a very weird, and sometimes difficult to understand Slavic accent, prides himself on being the world’s most villainous thief along with a resident evil scientist, Dr. Nefario (Russell Brand) and his myriads of minions. That is, until a little healthy competition comes along. When a new rival villain, Vector (Jason Segel) steals the Great Pyramid of Giza, hides it in his backyard, and replaces it with an inflatable replica, Gru realizes he must do something even more spectacular and plots to steal the moon.

After funding for his evil scheme is denied by the Bank of Evil (“formerly Lehman Brothers”, the movie’s best laugh) due to Gru’s history of heists which have been more costly than financially rewarding, Gru sets off to steal the Shrink Ray prototype, not yet perfected, from his new nemesis in order to shrink the moon and bring it back to earth . . .  bringing the world to its knees.

Unfortunately, penetrating Vector’s laboratory proves to be impossible, until he observes Vector purchasing Miss Hattie’s cookies from three orphans, Margo (Miranda Cosgrove), Edith (Dana Gaier), and Agnes (Elsie Fisher) who are peddled out by the Home for Girls’ Miss Hattie (Kristen Wiig) to sell cookies door to door. Gru seizes the opportunity to gain entry to Vector’s lab through their cookies and adopts the adorable trio.

Gru has little interest in the girls, but after some time the children help Gru discover his sensitive side through their demands for him to read bedtime stories, and flashbacks to his childhood reveal Gru’s mommy issues. Gru’s scheming and crazy plans are really just his attempts to make his mother proud of him. (how original)

This transformation story is funny, with one gag after another. The yellow pill-shaped minions provide most of the comic relief similar to the penguins in Madagascar. So many elements of the movie are reminiscent of Up, The Incredibles, Monsters vs. Aliens, and other recent films, making Despicable Me seem far less inventive than the story really is.  Despicable Me is tolerable, hardly the children’s spy thriller it could have been, and not as funny as the previews might suggest, but overall it would suit if you were looking for a few (and I do mean few) laughs on a rainy day at the theater, and of course you’ve already seen Toy Story 3.

Three reviews to choose from!

For an up and coming critic from the Windy City – just click Limacher or on Jacob’s pic.

Or a no-nonsense mom about town –  just click Starshine or Bella’s pic. 

Finally, for an uber cynic - just click H-Man or on Edward’s

Who got it right?  Let the battle commence!

Hex hears dead-people, and who gives a Horton?

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The H-Bomb: There seems to be some kind of consensus that thus far this summer movie season has, for the most part, been dull, dreary, and lackluster. Sadly, the release of “Jonah Hex” is going to do very little to buck that trend. As a comic book action western, it’s about as dull, dreary, and lackluster as they come. All this despite the impressive cast (well… impressive on paper, anyway), loud action, and flashy direction.

The last time, at least that I can think of, that Hollywood tried to make a summer blockbuster out of the western genre, they ended up with the truly abominable Will Smith turd sucker “Wild Wild West”. “Jonah Hex” is marginally better, but that’s kind of like saying that drinking cat piss is preferable to eating dog shit… neither is very appetizing.

What’s it about? Please, stop me when this sounds clichéd (no, seriously, please do stop me). “Jonah Hex” tells the oh so original story of a scarred Civil War vet named… you guessed it, Jonah Hex, who has made it his mission to track down the dastardly Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), the man who murdered his wife and son. But, unfortunately for our hero, fate steps in reins in his revenge.

So, now a man without a mission, Hex becomes a fearsome, famed bounty hunter who can speak to the dead (don’t ask). But unbeknownst to Hex, a new cretin is plotting to get a hold of some super cannon dubbed a “Nation Killer” that he plans to level Washington D.C. with during the celebration of the U.S.’s Centennial. Now it’s up to our charred faced, ghost whispering anti-hero to try and stop the plan.  Do I really need to tell you where it goes from there?

From beginning to end, this is the epitome of “been there, done that.” Despite all the over the top gun-play, violence (the PG-13, spatter-free variety, naturally), and shit blowing up in every direction, the movie is just a plodding, predictable 80 minutes of sheer boredom. It was one of those rare films where I found myself glancing at my watch periodically just to see how much longer it would drag on. It’s not a slow movie, it’s just curiously devoid of any kind of a pulse.

Jimmy Hayward (whose previous directing credit was “Horton Hears a Who”) over does it behind the camera and directs the thing like a music video, throwing in all sorts of wild visuals, including animation, in a desperate attempt to breathe some sort of life, any sort of life, into this D.O.A., flatter than a pancake script. He failed.  If Horton heard this who, he’d hang himself with his own trunk.

In fact, not only was the director short changed by the script, but so was the cast. This is particularly true of Josh Brolin. As we’ve seen in recent years, he’s a helluva good actor, and even though he’s no Clint Eastwood, he’s got the grizzled look and the gruff voice, and he could’ve been great in this role, if only he had the material to back him up.

Malkovich, one of modern cinema’s best go to bad guys, is a real disappointment here. He wears his boredom on his sleeve and phones in his performance completely. He looks like he’d rather be stuck in a traffic jam on a hot summer afternoon in a car with no A/C than be anywhere near this movie set.

Megan Fox, as the whore with the heart of gold (for Jonah, at least), is shown prominently on the posters and in the TV spots, but in reality she’s barely in the film at all! If I added up every single moment of her screen time, it would probably only amount to about ten minutes, if that much. I must admit, though, I can think of worse things to stare at than her sweaty, working girl cleavage, which the movie did display in generous amounts. For that I am grateful.

Other somewhat familiar faces (Wes Bentley, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Michael Shannon) pop up briefly throughout the picture, but they’re given so little to do that I wonder why they even bothered to show up.  In fact, I wonder why anybody who worked on this movie in any capacity bothered to show up, given the limp dick results of their labor.

Now, this isn’t a terrible film. It’s not, “Oh my God, this horrid shit bomb is gonna make me slit my fucking wrists” bad, it’s just really not that good, and there are certainly better ways to put your ten bucks to use, such as; donating it to the Salvation Army, or using it as toilet paper, or giving it to an alcoholic vagrant so he can go get tanked up… anything. Because despite all the bangs and booms and bams that this flick provides, it’s ultimately nothing but a tired action yarn that is never even remotely exciting nor suspenseful. It could probably make a decent rental someday… maybe. But only if you’re really, really bored.

The  loveable Great Dane, Marmaduke  from the long running comic strip debuts on the big screen in John Davis’s latest animal adventure. Marmaduke is cut from the same cloth as Garfield, his comic strip adaption from 2004, yet his personality is not nearly as endearing as Garfield’s. To pitch the idea to Fox, Davis put a Great Dane inside a Mini Cooper- the dog was so big that its head stuck prominently through the sunroof- and parked it outside the office of the studio chairman Tom Rothman.

Marmaduke features the voice of Owen Wilson, despite the fact that Marmaduke is one of the few comic strip animals that never spoke. The film also includes the voice talents of George Lopez, Fergie, Emma Stone, Jeremy Piven, and Steve Coogan.

Marmaduke plays a large part in his human family’s life, but when the Winslows (Lee Pace and Judy Greer) move from Kansas to Orange County, the teenage canine joins the crowd at the dog park and discovers that fitting in with his new pals is going to be a challenge.

The dog park social scene plays out much like a typical American High School with all of the accompanying cliques. A Mutts vs. Pedigrees turf war ignites, leaving Marmaduke to choose between impressing the beautiful Collie, Mazie, who is dating the top dog alpha male of the park, and his new found friends who are less than popular, all while trying to help his human family transition through the new move.

In the film’s other plot line, Marmaduke’s owner Phil is trying to make an impression as the new marketing director for a pet food company run by an eccentric pet lover, played by William H. Macy. Phil is torn between work and family life until Marmaduke goes missing…at which time the family pulls together to save the day in a whirlwind rescue of the supersize dog.

The kids will love the crude potty humor and Marmaduke’s antics, but the canine romantic triangle side plot was unnecessary and the writers could have done a better job integrating the human family into Marmaduke’s world. The film would mostly be benefited by Marmaduke not talking period. Overall it was entertaining for the kids, and I would recommend the movie to all canine lovers.

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Robin Hood is the latest version of a story that is well known and told a different way every time they make a movie about it.  The latest version is the story of how the legend first began; and as far as I know is the most historically accurate telling thus far. Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe team up once again attempting to capture the magic they shared with Gladiator.  Robin Hood, unfortunately fizzled and the bottle was shattered – the magic was gone.

Following the ill-fated Crusades led by King Richard of England, Robin Longstride, a mere archer in the King’s army is wrapped up in espionage and intrigue that catapult his life into legend.  All the standard Robin Hood characters make an appearance in this film: Little John (Kevin Durand); Prince John (Oscar Isaac); Will Scarlet (Scott ‘Critters’ Grimes); Marion (Cate Blanchett); and even Fryar Tuck (Mark Addy).  Each character plays a role in the grand chess board that makes up England – post Crusade.

King Richard (Danny Huston) and his valiant men return home from their 10 year tour spent fighting in the Holy Land, in which large amounts of money and lives were lost with not much of an outcome.  In fact, King Richard decides on his way back to England to ransack several of France’s castles to make up some of the debt lost from the wars. It is here that we first encounter Robin Longstride (Russell Crowe) again a standard archer in Richard’s army.

Prince John is running things while the king is away, and as all the versions of Robin Hood portray him, he is a lech of a man, a traitor to his noble blood and a coward – nothing new there.  John takes a liking to running the show while Rick wages another adventure, this time on a former ally – France.  His mother, Elinor of Aquitaine (Eileen Atkins) is determined to see her son, not Richard, the rightful heir to England.  Together with her son and other nefarious types, they plot to kill Richard whilst he is pillaging France’s castles to pay for war debt incurred in the Crusades.

John’s closest consort, Godfrey (Mark Strong) betrays Richard to the King of France and political intrigue really starts to develop.  Following events that are inevitable, but I won’t divulge them here – Robin and his band of loyal troops flee John’s army to wage a war with the usurping king of England.

The movie continues to gradually build as the legend of the “real” Robin Hood is laid out for the viewer to judge, but the filmmakers seemed to preach more than present – as the history of Robin Hood is told for “how it truly was”.  I personally thought the movie dragged on at points and wasn’t as good as I hoped. The more “experienced” audience enjoyed the movie, while the younger audience actually became so bored a few of them left the theater. All in all the action scenes were good, but the movie was not great at all. I say if you’re like me, save your money and hour of your time and watch the Disney cartoon classic Robin Hood instead!

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For all you cheesy romantics out there – never fear, Hollywood still has your back. While super heroes and geriatric action stars are dominating this year’s summer season, “Letters to Juliet” offers a more low key distraction. A love story for all ages, this generally chipper chick flick isn’t the brightest or the wittiest - it isn’t even mildly sexy. It will; however, make the preteen crowd and their moms swoon.

Amanda Seyfried stars as Sophie, a fact checker and hopeful writer for the New Yorker, who ends up in Verona on a pre-honeymoon vacation with her fiancee, Victor (Gael Garcia Bernal). While Victor scours the Italian countryside for the best food and recipes to take home to his new restaurant, Sophie is left to wander the city alone – but not for long.

When she discovers a letter written to the mythical Juliet of Shakespearian fame, she can’t help but respond to a woman who long ago was searching for her true love. Soon, Sophie has met the woman who wrote the letter, a now aged Claire (Vanessa Redgrave), and her grandson, Charlie (Christopher Egan). The three venture off to find Claire’s true love, while Sophie finds her own.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, you’re probably right. Not much about this film is new and it doesn’t re-examine anything old. Still, films like this one continue to get made because they appeal to anyone with a skewed sense of love and romance. Considering the lingering popularity of Disney princesses, let’s face it, these doe-eyed hopefuls are here to stay.

One of the more enjoyable aspects of “Letters to Juliet” is the scenery. Picturesque countrysides and all the fine architecture of Italy seem to be forever bathed in a perfect orange glow. Couples can be seen walking hand in hand throughout the film, and while it’s all more than a bit hokey, it does transport the audience to a world where true love can be found, if indeed it does exist.

Most of the cast isn’t able to breathe much life into the deflated story. Seyfried gives a disappointing performance and is frequently overshadowed by Bernal’s over the top caricature and Redgrave’s perfectly like-able bleeding heart. In fact, Redgrave is the one that steals the show. She’s funny enough where it counts, and even the stoniest of hearts will find themselves hoping she ends up with her long lost beau.

The romance that develops between Sophie and Charlie doesn’t come as a surprise, even if you haven’t seen the trailer. In fact, the whole film is as predictable as they come. It’s disappointing to see little develop out of either of Sophie’s relationships, though their premises are ripe for growth. In the end, it just stops becoming interesting.

As a whole, “Letters to Juliet” is a poorly written cookie cutter love story. The acting is, for the most part, bland, and the cinematography can only redeem the movie to an extent. Despite all of that, it does pluck a few heartstrings and is perfectly aimed at the tween crowd. Don’t expect any sex, passion, or, you know, anything real, and you might just find the film watchable. At the very least, guys, it makes for a good date movie.

Let’s make a short list of all the brooding, macho, occasional male sex symbols that worked for a moment. Marlon Brando; James Dean; Holden freaking Caulfield. The star of the new film Remember Me, Robert Pattinson, tries to find a place among them, but ultimately falls short. He’s more than able to make an audience of tween Twilight fans coo, though, so he’s sure to help this film make some cash at the box office.

The film itself is flat on many levels, which is a disappointment considering the high hopes I had for director Allen Coulter (The Sopranos, Hollywoodland). Instead of making an introspective film on young love and broken homes, he makes an angsty teen romp that could be confused with one of a hundred like productions.

Pattinson’s broody bookworm, Tyler Hawkins, gets his face cut up in a skirmish with a cop (Chris Cooper) early in the film. This leads his sidekick and not-so-funnyman, Aidan (Tate Ellington), to concoct a half-assed plan to set Tyler up with the cop’s daughter, fellow NYU student Ally (Emilie de Ravin). The goal is wine her, dine her, dump her and embarrass her to revenge against The Man. All goes according to plan, until the two beautiful young people fall in love. I didn’t see that one coming.

Newbie script scribbler Will Fetters doesn’t strike any new ground here. The story has been played out time and time again in different guises, and there are too many stock characters to count. The hard, uncaring father is there (Pierce Brosnan), the mother who wants to see her family be a family (Lena Olin), and the artistic little sister (the refreshingly adorable Ruby Jerins) who Tyler loves to death. You won’t find a single compelling character in the bunch.

All of this probably sounds like some harsh criticism, and to be fair Coulter worked as best as he could with what he had. There are some tender moments, and brief flares of chemistry between the lead characters, but the moments are few and far between. They’re almost teases that, I suppose, can at least carry someone through the dull parts of the film. One shout-out I’ll give is to the set designer, who created a young male’s bachelor pad that I could personally relate to.

That’s about it, though. The rest of the film fails to deliver where we can see that someone has, at least, tried to do something memorable. The cinematography and editing are confined by Hollywood standards, but there is at least one moment where some creative juices were at work. The cast, which seems to be a Frankenstein ensemble on paper, actually works well together. If it weren’t for all the bad or hilarious Brooklyn accents, you might even say there’s a sort of rhythm between them all.

With all the good and the bad, Remember Me would likely be forgotten, if it weren’t for the surprise ending. I won’t mention it here, because it really does sneak up on you. That doesn’t make it worthwhile, though. In fact, the end does nothing more than cheapen the whole film. I wouldn’t be surprised if some, if not many, people even find it offensive. Nonetheless, there were good intentions behind it, as with the rest of the film. You know what they say about good intentions, though.

If you’re a fan of Robert Pattinson, you will probably enjoy watching him again on the big screen. If your date likes Robert Pattinson, you should take her. If you don’t fit either of these criteria, save yourself 113 minutes and steer clear of Remember Me.

Two business partners and lifelong best friends, Dan (Robin Williams) & Charlie (John Travolta), are in the middle of the biggest business deal of their lives. When Dan finds out he’s the father of seven year old fraternal twins (Ella Bleu Travolta & Conner Rayburn) – conceived during an eventful week after his divorce that included lots of booze and a one day marriage – he impulsively takes responsibility for them after finding out their mother, Vicki (Kelly Preston), has to serve a two week stint in jail.

After seeing previews of Old Dogs, I felt it had a “Wild Hogs”-like feel, which was why it didn’t surprise me to see Walt Becker’s name attached to the directing credits of this one. Hell, Travolta basically played his same regurgitated character from Hogs in Old Dogs with the only difference being Charlie didn’t have the money problems that Woody (in Hogs) did. It didn’t detract from the homogenized comedy he and Williams brought.

The children were just barely more than props. They were just a plot device to set the stage for Williams and Travolta to showcase their comedic chops. Ella Bleu Travolta couldn’t have had an easier lay-up for her first movie. Not only were both her parents there for support and advice, the role she lined up was as easy as they come…she could have played Jack Black’s character in Tropic Thunder for the amount of impact she and her male cohort had in this film. As far as movie children go, these two were the best behaved kids in the world. The Department of Child Induced Mischief was apparently closed for this shooting.

The opening sequence was done very cleverly in my opinion. I can’t think of a movie that did it similarly or with the same seamless effect of not having to use a caption or blurb to marry a seven year gap to the present. The supporting characters were great in Old Dogs, specifically Justin Long as the crazed camp counselor with a vendetta against Charlie. I think I’m starting to love Long’s bit characters more and more when I see ‘em. The camping sequence was probably my favorite, though Old Dogs has plenty of laughs throughout. And the special effects team apparently just learned how to use Photoshop, going to the well with the warp and smudge tools one too many times for my taste.

The Slanted View: I made the mistake of looking forward to Ella Bleu’s performance, not that I expected a whole lot from her, or even Old Dogs for that matter. It was disappointing to find that a story about a father and his seven year old children he just met centered more around him and his friend instead. While it didn’t stop the laughs from coming, it did bother me that the writers were afraid to explore the relationship the premise was set on. If you want to watch a kids flick, check out Planet 51. If you want to see a buddy movie, check out Hear No Evil, See No Evil. Watch this one on TBS in a year when you’re bored.

“Wait, who I am here?”

Swift shot: The original was much better, but how many of today’s target audience even know that Terry O’Quinn, Lost’s John Locke played the original Stepfather in 1987, or that it was much more violent, interesting, and sexually complex?  This new telling is more creepy than scary – unless you are a teenage girl.  The best scene from the preview was cut from the film.  This modern tale of caveat emptor was like watching The Stepfather Lite – less taste. . . more filling.

Centering around Michael Harding (Penn Badgley) a, supposedly, belligerent teenager who returns home from military school, “The Stepfather” is mired in the mundane.  Director Nelson McCormick seemed to be looking for the shell effect, wherein evil is hidden under an amicable or benign crust – but he failed by letting David Harris/The Stepfather (Dylan Walsh) skulk around with a scowl throughout the movie . . . which apparently only our ‘hero’ noticed.

Yes, others started to raise questions about this mysterious new beau and fiancee in Susan’s (Sela Ward) life, and they are eventually dealt with by the maniacal stepfather.  But, Susan seemed so blinded by her insecurities and loneliness that she never catches on that this dude is walking around like a serial killer without a puppy to set on fire.  And when he finally goes Bat-Shit-Crazy on her, yea like I spoiled something there, the effect of abrupt awareness is effective, and to her character’s credit, when the shit hits the fan, she comes out swinging.

I have seen creepier stuff on the Lifetime network – seriously.  While I wanted to completely trash this film, it does have some decent redeeming moments.  Some of the kills are authentically vicious, where the use of the victim’s perspective should leave some lingering thoughts of what it would be like to die in such a fashion – psychologically interesting to be sure.  That is where I found myself enjoying the film, but the rest of the movie was all build-up and then drop off, build up, drop off, and finally when things explode you are left wanting more resolution.

The film felt like it took forever to reach a “conclusion”, and I use that term loosely.  It will probably cause you to run out and rent the original for a social comparative study on violence in pop culture from the eighties to the new millennium.  But, other than that, wait for this to come out on regular cable; I doubt anything will be cut out for younger audiences.