It goes down pretty easy… if you go for this sort of thing.

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The H-Bomb: Wally (Jason Bateman) is a neurotic pessimist who always thinks he has some kind of disorder, wears ugly sweaters, and has a tendency to talk too much (not to mention his last name is Mars, for Christ‘s sake). In other words, the guy’s kind of a mess. The fact that he is such a mess has squandered every potential relationship he has ever had. One such old flame, Kassie (Jennifer Aniston), who has now been his best friend for several years, has just dropped a bombshell on him: she wants to have a baby via artificial insemination.

Wally has misgivings about this because, for one thing, he still has feelings for her, and because she’s not asking him to be the donor. Why? Well, basically because he is such a goddamn basket case. So instead, she puts out an ad on Craig’s list (!) and casts hunky college professor Roland (Patrick Wilson) in the role of “The Viking” (that term will make sense when/if you see this movie).

On the advice of her best friend Debbie (Juliette Lewis, playing the ditsy kind of BFF part that‘s required of this kind of movie), Kassie decides to throw a party for the insemination, where Roland will donate his… stuff… right there… on site… just typing that last part made me realize how wrong it really seems.

Anyway, something, I won’t say what for the sake of spoiling how it happens (which is hilarious), goes very, very wrong at the party, and unbeknownst to anyone, the daddy goop gets… switched (hence the title).

After this party, Kassie becomes happily pregnant, and decides to leave New York believing that it’s not a suitable place to raise her offspring. Wally, who got absolutely blasted at this bizarre insemination gathering, has little to no memory of what happened that night, and goes on living his life.

Seven years later, Kassie returns to the Big Apple with her young son, Sebastian (Thomas Robinson), in tow. When we, along with Wally, finally meet Sebastian, we notice a few peculiarities about him… he’s freakishly intelligent for his age, and pessimistic, and neurotic, and blunt, and he has weird hobbies like collecting picture frames, and… he sort of reminds us of… Wally… just a little too much. He even kind of… sort of… looks like Wally. Gee, what could this mean? (Amazingly enough, the characters, for the longest time, seem completely oblivious to all of this.)

In fact, despite a rocky start, when Wally spends time with Sebastian; taking him to the Zoo, picking lice out of his hair, giving him very bad advice on how to handle bullies at school, etc., etc., they actually get along like… father and son.

Wally finally catches on to this, and just as he starts to piece it all together, things are complicated even more when Kassie contacts Roland, the donor, and the two strike up a relationship, and it still takes the characters the full second half of the movie to figure what the audience already knew since the end of the insemination party scene.

The basic beef I have with this movie is that it is predictable as hell and basically follows the typical rom-com formula from beginning, to middle, to end. When the two lead characters are introduced, you basically know who’s going to end up with who and who the baby’s daddy is going to be. It’s essentially that kind of cookie cutter, dime-a-dozen romantic comedy that Hollywood cranks out on a regular basis. It’s one of those where the audience is way ahead of the characters every step of the way, and the big reason for watching is to see how these people on the screen will react when they find out what the audience already knows.

That said, this one is helped out considerably by a marginally above average script that keeps the chuckle inducing one liners rolling at a steady pace, a couple of gross out moments to keep the guys in the audience entertained, and a likable cast that has both good energy and chemistry. These elements admittedly, much to my chagrin, make the film very watchable and somewhat enjoyable for the most part.

The main ingredient for why this thing works as well as it does has got to be the cast. Bateman, who I’ve been noticing more and more over the years, I completely loved as Wally. The guy just has this kind of “everyman” charisma that, even when he’s playing a kind of sour puss, just makes him endearing and amusing. Aniston, an actress whose films are apparently a genre unto themselves, I genuinely liked as Kassie, though I suspect many will say that it’s the same role she’s been playing for years now.

Wilson does well as the affable Roland, but being familiar with his other work (“Watchmen“, “Little Children“, “Hard Candy“), I really do think that he’s too good an actor to be playing third banana in assembly line comedies like this. Jeff Goldblum has a funny turn as Wally’s best friend/colleague who pops up throughout the movie to give our hero the sage-like advice he needs to eventually get the girl. He’s yet another stock character in a movie full of stock characters, but Goldblum adds an extra layer and makes him something more.

But the true stand out in this movie for me was the young Robinson as Sebastian. When it comes to child roles like these, casting is crucial. Sebastian is the pivotal character of the movie, and putting the wrong kid in the role would totally kill it. Fortunately, with Robinson, they hit the nail right on the head. He’s quirky, hilarious, and, most importantly, endearing. He steals this movie and I think he’s got a bright future ahead of him.

Overall, “The Switch” definitely isn’t a game changer in the genre of rom-coms (or in the genre of Jennifer Aniston movies), but it is a perfectly decent date movie, which while it isn’t really my thing, for you couples out there, it’s definitely worth checking out.

Charlie St. Cloud (Zac Efron) has a promising future. He’s a skilled sailor and ready to attend Stanford. He has a younger brother, Sam (Charlie Tahan), who looks up to him and a mother (Kim Basinger) who works hard to support her family. All that changes after a tragic accident leaves his brother dead and Charlie overcome with grief.

On his way to an after-graduation party, Charlie and Sam are in a car accident. In the ambulance on the way to the hospital, Charlie flat lines, but the paramedic working on him, Florio (Ray Liotta) doesn’t give up, and Charlie is given a second chance and survives.

Fast forward five years, and Charlie is a caretaker who lives in a cemetery and takes care of the grounds. This involves cleaning duck poop off the headstones, chasing away the ducks from the grounds, and taking care of the plots. He never made it to Stanford, he hasn’t sailed in five years, and he’s pretty much regarded as the town crazy. Oh and every night, he plays catch with his dead brother Sam.

When a classmate from high school, Tess (Amanda Crew) is missing at sea, Charlie realizes why he was given a second chance and joins the search to find his missing classmate. I can’t really reveal any more about this storyline, as it would give too much away.

Charlie cried a lot in this movie. A lot. However, it was truly part of the story, unlike a certain vampire series where the lead male character cries a lot. Anyway, Efron has come a long way from the “High School Musical” series, and he showed it in this movie.

This is a straight-up drama. Don’t go see it expecting to laugh. Do expect to cry (possibly). Slightly reminiscent of “The Sixth Sense” (minus the thriller factor), “Charlie St. Cloud” is a good story with fine acting and overall a decent film.

Fans Bent Out of Shape

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The Last Airbender by M. Night Shyamalan is a HIT if you are one of the few who never saw the cartoon it was based on. As a nonviewer of the series myself, I didn’t see anything wrong with the film. The fans on the other hand were so upset by the film that when the ending credits came about and one expected the usual applause of a film well done, I heard a minor uproar. Accompanying boo’s being delivered gratuitously, there was a “What the hell was that?” and my personal favorite “…I don’t remember Ang being such a vagina.” So since the views were so different, I thought I would try something different this time around.

Anime Fan

Are you serious M Night? He wants us to accept this as an adaptation to the Avatar cartoon series? How does the director not even get the names right? “Ang” somehow becomes pronounced “Ung” and “Sokka” pronounced “Sew-ka”.  That “twist” M Night is famous for just happened to be the fact he fucking changed the ending of the story. Stupid move.

Non-Anime Viewer

I think M Night’s film was almost flawless. The acting was phenomenal and chemistry on the screen is not something you see every day. The Last Airbender is loaded with slap-stick comedy that both children and adults would find entertaining. The bending in the films was out of this world! “Bending” is the ability or power to control the elements using your flow of chi and choreographed martial arts moves to physically control the elements to pretty much do your bidding. Benders can fling formed clumps or balls of the earth, fire, air, or water at their opponents. It appears to be that air, water, fire, and earth bending each has their martial arts style representative of the given element. The bending and the fights is what made the film such a blast for me. Even Sokka, who does not have the ability, kicked serious butt with his boomerang sword thing.

Anime Fan

No don’t get me wrong, the 3D graphics rocked my fucking socks off and the elemental effects were so real it was hard to remember that it was actually just 3D and not some alien holographic technology. The ending is really what killed it for me. If you saw the shows “Book One: Water” you would be flabbergasted as to why the hell you sat through what I call “this garbage.”

Non Anime Fan

Well being that it was indeed based on a cartoon, and keep in mind, M Night changed things up to keep it more realistic, he said so himself as did Jackson Rathbone.

Anime Fan

Pah-hahaha. Why? M Night should have stuck to the show’s details if he was making an adaptation of it! I mean, story-wise the movie was pretty accurate. Some small things that bothered me just didn’t let me love the movie. In the show, the Fire Nation is feared and powerful not because they are everywhere like ants, but because they are the only types for “benders” that can summon fire out of their ass (not literally) and use it at will. I sincerely don’t think the movie would have lost any of its realism by adding this key detail at all. Trying to keep it real, he changed the schematics of the movie. It takes a special kind of genius to ruin something with such a firm outline. I was not asking for a replica of the show, but wow. I’ll just say leave it to M Night to add what one could call a “twist” to something set in stone. You are right about the acting though. Most of the characters not only looked their cartoon counterparts, but the actors almost possess their voices. Sokka and Katara’s relationship is a great parallel to the cartoon and everything was present. Another thing I don’t really feel right about was the fact that he made the different nations completely different races. I am not sure what he was playing at there; it sort of threw me off.

Non Anime Fan

Well that’s good then. Everything seems to be structurally consistent with the show except for these few major details. I observed the greatest upset more towards the end of the movie. Even never having seen the series, the ending was pretty anticlimactic . . . yet consistent with Ang’s (or Ung’s) character. For anyone who doesn’t know, “Book One: Water”, is the first in a three seasons series, suggesting this film is the first of a trilogy! I can’t wait for it. The “fans” may not be pleased but I sure as hell was.

Anime Fan

I am not watching that shit again.

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It’s a sign of the times for Hollywood to remake “The Karate Kid” the way it did: overlong and sentimental. It runs almost two and a half hours long, but while it’s up on the big screen, it’s hard to notice. For anyone who has seen the original, this version of “The Karate Kid” is going to bring back memories as it recounts the story almost blow by blow.

When it opened in 1984, “The Karate Kid” became one of the best films to release that year, and it birthed three sequels down the road. This modern version doesn’t have the same appeal or feel, but it does stand as a solid film on its own, which is more than I can say about other recent remakes (“A Nightmare on Elm Street”, let’s say). The lush scenery that comes out of filming mostly on location in China adds just the right amount of exoticism, too, to help draw audiences into the film’s world.

Jaden Smith, son of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, has a natural presence that one expects from the offspring of an A-lister. He plays Dre Parker, a young kid who is uprooted by his mother (Taraji P. Henson) to Beijing, where he is forced to start a new life. It isn’t long before he runs into a pretty girl (Wenwen Han), the school bully (Zhenwei Wang), and his troupe of thugs. There’s a lot to say about the effects of being transplanted to a foreign country at an early age and how cultures sometimes have a natural tendency to clash. Director Harald Zwart doesn’t explore this nearly as much as he could have, but there is still a feeling of empathy for Parker’s homesickness.

The story soon drops Mr. Han, the apartment’s maintenance man, into Parker’s lap. Jackie Chan is a natural choice for this role and it’s refreshing to see him play a more serious man, not prone to the same jokes that, incidentally, made the “Rush Hour”  sequel so popular. Mr. Han, of course, is also a secret kung fu master. The two challenge Parker’s bullies and their kung fu sensei to an upcoming tournament, and quickly go to work training the young boy.

The relationships between Parker and Mr. Han, as well as Parker and his violin-toting love interest, Meiying, develop quickly, but naturally. The kids are cute together, but when Lady Gaga is played, Meiying shows the unfortunate way twelve year old girls dance today, and it’s both strange and hilarious. Call me old-fashioned.

Ultimately, the film leads to the final tournament, where Parker, presented in heroic white cloth, faces off against his tormentors. It’s a well-paced, action-packed end to a film that has concentrated on building the emotional intensity mostly between Parker and Mr. Han. It would have been nice to follow the change in Parker and his mother’s relationship, but then again if the movie was any longer it would be too much to take.

“The Karate Kid” is a familiar, cookie-cutter kid’s movie that appeals just as much to adults, thankfully. It’s as playful as it is, at times, mature. It is not without its downfalls, though. Some characters that could have been important and compelling are axed before the film really gets underway. The convenience of so many people in China speaking near perfect English also lends to the film’s slight fantastic nature. Still, if anything, the film can be used as a starting point for discussions on American’s in foreign countries (Parker, humorously, drops a bit of Spanish when faced with a language barrier).

Go see “The Karate Kid” if you’re looking for a good time with the family or if you’re a huge fan of the original. Don’t go if you’re expecting the same impact the original had when it first came out. “The Karate Kid” is a fun movie, overall, but where it could have hosted exceptional performances with dignity in its own right, it instead presents itself merely as an above average carbon copy.

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Is it humane to use human DNA in genetic splicing if it can change human life as we know it? Director Vincenzo Natali’s Splice conveys an intense message that is profound and truly terrifying…in concept. As I leave the theatre, I sift through the film in my head trying to figure out why the previews made it seem like the next great horror film. This film was more disturbing than anything.  It did have the classic recurring recipe for a “creature feature” film a la Frankenstein or Species, where scientists make and develop a creature as their child until it “evolves” enough to be a worldly hazard, which is when they have to take responsibility for their scientific breakthroughs gone wrong and destroy the creatures themselves.

We have our “mad scientists” Colin Clive (Adrien Brody) and Elsa Lanchester (Sarah Polley) who create something for the good of man-kind, despite the moral outrage it would obviously cause. Already extracting a beneficial protein that would help livestock from two spliced flesh-sacks named Fred and Ginger; they ask to push the envelope to human splicing. How those creatures ended up so phallic is beyond me.

The couple feels in their hearts that the benefits of human splicing, like the definite cure to major diseases and some forms of cancer, will out-weigh the morality of it. So, as top genetic splicers of NERD (Nucleic Exchange Research and Development) they emphasize this point with utmost passion not only to have NERD turn down the idea, but it put a stop to their splicing program altogether. They had to now focus on the routine of extracting the protein from Fred and Ginger.

Furious and filled with spiteful curiosity, Clive and Elsa decide to carry on the experiment in secret with human DNA. They do so in a lab within the same building…one wonders the security level of the entire company. “Only until it is an embryo…” Elsa says wide-eyed to Clive. Clive seems like he doesn’t want to go through with the experiment but succumbs to his spouse’s mercilessly bad ideas (It’s his hobby).

As the creature rapidly evolves it becomes more and more dangerous. Follow this with the “hide rapid growing creature” routine of constantly finding bigger hiding places, and we have the basis for the film. Add what someone could laughably call a twist and some “romance”, and it becomes the film we know as Splice.

The acting by Brody and Polley was for the most part, enthralling. Their extreme transition from focused and composed scientists, to deranged and delusional researchers was done with reasonable pace and was very believable. Androgynous newcomer Delphine Chanéac’s performance role of the grown-up creature the scientists named Dren was one of the best I have seen. I will go as far as to say she lent more to the character of Dren than the special effects did. Unfortunately, I feel that the acting was one of the few things that kept the film going. The visuals were all great and the character development was…interesting to say the least.

I understand the film is a look into the future of bio-engineering and the moral issues revolving around genetic engineering. However this gets diluted by stereotypical supporting characters and events becoming increasingly illogical. There are certain events or “facts” without premise or reason that are tossed in to get a perceptible reaction from the audience besides the awkward stare I myself wore as I watched on. The development of Dren in the early stages and the dedication of the scientists as parental figures are touching. It really pulls you right in, preparing you for what you think will be a thrilling and almost inspirational final third part of the movie cleverly wrapping everything up.

The reality is that around this time the plot becomes forced and predictable. The relationship between Clive and Elsa becomes a weird train-crash of bestiality and feigned motherhood that is rushed along by Elsa’s inflexibility and extreme naivety and Clive’s apparent decision to relinquish all control of his love life and scientific career.

My feelings on the movie fall all over the emotional spectrum.  The most discernible being frustration but this is attributed to the aforementioned trailer. With sharp movements and a chilling sound track, you would assume when the announcer ominously breaks in with a deep pitched “Splice”. It was a personal let down. The movie was admittedly exciting in the “what the f&*% is happening” kind of way but so much so that it actually becomes pretty laughable. I think hard core sci-fi and bio buffs will thoroughly enjoy this movie.  Everyone else should brace themselves for a strange genre mixture of creature feature, drama, and romance. Horror fans specifically, STAY AWAY because you will be bloody disappointed.

An adventure of epic(lite) proportions.

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The H-Bomb: Before I get into this review, I have a question to pose to all you fine readers; Who out there can name for me a good, or even okay, movie based on a video game? It’s a serious question, because I pondered it myself, and I truly cannot think of one. “Super Mario Bros.”? No. “Street Fighter”? Hell no. “Mortal Kombat”? I enjoyed it the one time I saw it back in ‘95… when I was fourteen and completely undiscriminating! But alas, I am older now, and a bit more discriminating, so, in other words… no. “Resident Evil”? That boring as hell “Aliens”-meets-Romero knockoff… don’t think so. Therefore, in my estimation, it‘s fair to say that every single film based on a video game has been pure, unadulterated shit.

That was the main obstacle for “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time” to overcome. It has a strong cast, a good director, but… it’s based on a fucking video game! And, as said, video game movies are notoriously awful (even the ones NOT directed by Uwe Boll). So, was “Prince of Persia” able to jump that hurdle? Break that seemingly unbreakable trend?  Well, in a pleasantly surprising way… yes. Despite the stigma of its interactive entertainment source material, it manages to buck the odds and emerge as a perfectly decent movie. Mind you it’s a pure popcorn flick that requires a heavy dose of suspension-of-disbelief, but overall, it’s pretty damn fun.

Set in a mythical ancient Persia (duh), it tells the story of Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal), a street kid who was adopted by the noble King Sharaman (Ronald Pickup) and grows up to be quite the warrior prince; exceptionally brave, very adept at combat, you know the drill. While out on a military campaign with his brothers Tus (Richard Cole), who’s next in line for the throne, and Garsiv (Toby Kebbell), who’s not exactly Dastan’s biggest fan, they discover evidence that the city of Alamut was making weapons and selling them to Persia’s enemies. Despite the reservations of Dastan, Tus, following the sage advice of Uncle Nizam (Ben Kingsley), decides to invade the city with his army and conquer it.

During the ensuing battle, Dastan comes into possession of a very peculiar dagger that everyone seems a little too interested in, particularly Tamina (Gemma Arterton), the fallen city’s princess. It was Dastan’s strategy that won the day in the battle for Alamut, so it’s only right that he be celebrated as a hero. Sadly, the celebration is cut short when King Sharaman is murdered and Dastan is framed for the crime.

After making a quick escape, Dastan is forced to go on the lam with the beautiful but rather bitchy Tamina in tow, who is constantly trying to reacquire that weird dagger. During his quest to clear his name and uncover the truth behind his father’s murder, Dastan discovers that the dagger is an instrument of the gods that has the power to turn back the sands of time (turn back time, in other words), and that the real reason for invading Alamut was not to seize hoards of weapons, but to find and control this dagger. Wait, wait, wait… A powerful country invades another under false pretenses to seize control of a certain commodity… Really, Hollywood? An Iraq War reference? In a movie, set in ancient Persia, based on a fucking video game… really? Or maybe I’m just reading in to it too deeply.

Anyhow, in order to stop the dagger from falling into the hands of whoever this traitor is, Dastan and Tamina must take it back to crystal in some secret temple somewhere and return it to the gods. But it’s not going to be that easy, because not only does Dastan have a huge bounty on his head, he’s also being tracked by Hassansins, an elite society of scary super-goons who are tasked with killing him and retrieving the dagger. Oh, did I mention that if this dagger fell into the wrong hands, the entire world would be destroyed as a result? Let the chase begin…

Essentially, there’s nothing all that new going on here. This movie is basically “Gladiator-lite”, meets “Lord of the Rings-lite”, meets “Monty Python and the Holy Grail-lite” (okay, that last bit was an overstatement, but you get what I mean). It’s a period fantasy yarn kind of in the vain of “Troy”, and on that level, it works pretty well. I have zero knowledge of the game it’s based on, so I can in no way attest to how faithful the film is to it, though Dastan does do a lot of hopping, and flipping, and climbing, all of which I suspect came from the game.

At first, I wasn’t too sure about Jake Gyllenhaal in the lead. I can buy him as a schizophrenic teen or a gay cowboy, but as a full blown, muscle bound action hero? That was a big pill to swallow. However, I will admit, that while he’s no Russell Crowe, he did grow on me in the part. Gemma Arterton, who played the requisite disposable Bond girl in “Quantum of Solace”, is promoted to requisite leading lady here and comes off well. There were actually quite a few sparks of chemistry between her and Gyllenhaal, and it’s nice to see her have more to do in a film than lie naked in oil… though I didn’t mind seeing that.

Ben Kingsley brings some welcome gravitas to the film as Dastan’s Uncle, who isn’t all that he seems, as does Alfred Molina, who fills in the requisite comedy relief role as a greedy, amoral “Entrepreneur” that Dastan encounters in his travels.

Director Mike Newell keeps things moving at a snappy pace and gives the film an appropriate summer movie tone; one that’s never too light and never too dark, though the script was a bit heavy on the quips, and the action got a little too “Matrix-y” in places. The movie’s climax is an over-the-top light-show of special effects that will numb your eyes and your brain alike.

All-in-all, “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time” is an entertaining fantasy adventure that should please young and old alike, even if it is- Heaven forbid- based on a video game.

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“Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed.” It’s been nine years since Smash Mouth heralded the arrival of the irreverent Shrek, voiced by Mike Meyers (not to be confused with the lovable white-masked, axe-wielding fright from the Halloween series of films). What made the first Shrek great to me was that it was more adult oriented, but easily shared with the younger crowd. Unfortunately, this magic gets lost with each successive sequel, as the stories and characters get watered down slightly almost in an effort to pander to the youngins better. By the time Shrek 3 came out, I had lost interest in the characters and the world they lived in, but was happy my kids could continue to enjoy them nonetheless.

Shrek Forever After takes place about 1 year (I’m assuming) from the birth of his children. Fatherhood wasn’t agreeing with him; no one fears the Ogre any longer; his once solitary lifestyle is now flooded with friends; and to top it off he has to put up with them all at his children’s birthday party. The happiness and good feelings are nigh unbearable. He sorely misses his former life…a life without chaos–alone and happy in his swamp. Enter Rumpelstiltskin (Walt Dohrn), a crazed midget with a penchant for too good to be true contracts and a lust for the kingdom of Far, Far Away…and wigs. After some commiseration and a few eyeball martinis, Shrek decides it’s a good idea to do business with Rumpy, and signs a contract to exchange one day of his life for one where he can be a mean, feared Ogre once again. Little did he know Rumpelstiltskin was about to take the most important day of his life…

In be-careful-what-you-wish-for fashion, Shrek realizes that while he gets exactly what he wanted, life isn’t exactly normal. Shortly, he finds himself in a race against time to set things right again by recreating “true love’s kiss”-–a  far more challenging prospect with an embittered, battle hardened Fiona (Cameron Diaz).

Shrek 4 was a little darker in story than the last two and reminded me in parts of what I liked about the first one. Unfortunately, the story felt rushed, and even at 93 minutes, I didn’t think they gave the story a chance to breathe. The story itself was not very complicated, and the familiar cast of characters didn’t bring much of anything new in terms of “funny” to the table. I really liked Rumpelstiltskin, but pampered Puss in Boots was my favorite this go round. So grab your kids and go to the next 3D showing, and watch them get immersed.

***click the image for a surprise***

The H-Bomb: While carrying out an assignment in Bolivia, an elite five man Black Ops Team is double-crossed by CIA super-spook, Max (Jason Patrick), the mysterious “voice on the radio” who planned the operation. Believed to be dead in the States, the team lays low in Bolivia while their leader, Clay (Robert Downey, Jr. look alike Jeffrey Dean Morgan) sets about trying to track down Max… with no success. Then one night he’s approached by seductive Femme Fatale Aisha (Zoe Saldana, who’s everywhere these days), and after the two bond over a requisite man-on-woman fistfight (where she, in realistic fashion, matches him blow for blow) that destroys an entire hotel room, she agrees to help smuggle the team back into the States and help them find this slippery Max fellow. But the men find themselves asking each other, who is this chick, and what is she after?

Meanwhile, we find out that Max, the truly evil dude that he is, is about to purchase a new kind of bomb that destroys matter but doesn’t harm the environment. The perfect weapon for the eco friendly terrorist. So, will our heroes find Max in time to foil his plans for world domination… take a wild guess.

If your looking for a film with depth and insights into the human condition, that will broaden your worldview and make you a more enlightened and better person, then Goddamn are you in the wrong place. But if you are looking for an hour and a half of chaos and carnage, of mind numbing violence and explosions where shit gets shot up and blown up left and right, with only enough plot to move the film from one highly improbable yet enjoyable action scene to the next, then come on in.

I find action flicks like this hard to review, because basically, they are what they are. They most definitely are not high art, we’re not going to hear them mentioned during the awards season, they simply exist to entertain. And “The Losers” certainly does that. As long as you don’t think about it too hard as you’re watching it, you’re sure to enjoy it. It’s everything I expected it to be from watching the trailers; loud, dumb, and tons of fun. It’s a pure escapist film, completely free of all the brooding baggage of self-seriousness that have plagued other recent action films (yeah, “Bourne Trilogy”, I type that in your direction).

I’m not familiar with the director, Sylvain White, but he did a nice job of keeping the pace quick and the energy high. The film’s many gun battles are slickly shot and packed with so much mayhem, that I do wish they went for the messy, R-rated violence instead of going the bloodless, PG-13 route, though there is an eye gouging that gets pretty sick. But, despite the absence of gore, when it comes to delivering the thrills, it gets the job done. The villain’s top henchman gets his comeuppance in an unexpectedly gruesome way. Great stuff.

The entire cast does quite well, considering that the script didn’t exactly give them deep, multi-dimensional characters to explore. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who rocked as the sociopathic Comedian in “Watchmen”, here shows that he has the chops to pull off the roles of both action hero and leading man. With his gruff voice and imposing physique, I definitely believed that he could be the leader of this badass squad of soldiers. Zoe Saldana also delivers a solid turn as the beautiful yet deadly Aisha. She has the role of tough chick down cold, and I don’t think she’s ever looked sexier on film, it’s just too bad that the movie also went PG-13 with the sex scenes as well. Chris Evans plays Jensen, the clown of the squad with an affinity for pink t-shirts (movies like this always have to have a comic relief character), and he steals every scene he’s in.

Then finally, as Max, Jason Patrick portrays the kind of villain that audiences love to hate. With a smug expression that seems to be permanently pasted to his face, he kills without remorse and is completely devoid of any redeeming qualities. To him, ending a human life is equal to stepping on a cockroach. Man, woman, child… it doesn’t matter, if it’s in his interest to kill someone, he will do it without hesitation. At one point he shoots and kills his pretty young female assistant out of the blue. Why? Just to remind us of what a dastardly cretin he is. There’s another scene where you’ll wonder, “What is he doing to that midget?”, but I won’t get into that. He’s a one note, mustache twirling bad guy, and he certainly won’t go down alongside Darth Vader as being one of the great antagonists of film history, but Patrick does a great job at making the audience want to see very bad things happen to him.

Overall, this is no classic by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, but if you’re a fan of wild, over-the-top, and highly unrealistic action fare, the kind of flick that won’t require too much thought on your part, where the good guys are good and the bad guys are bad, plain and simple, then go check this out. Otherwise, just wait for the DVD.

I have to get out this last tweet!

As a die-hard “Harry Potter” fan, when I first saw a preview for “Percy Jackson & the Olympians:  The Lightning Thief” I rolled my eyes and thought “oh how nice, they are copying “Harry Potter””.  However, the more previews I saw for “Lightning Thief” the more I actually wanted to see it.  I always loved reading Greek myths in school, so when I realized that this story is about the son of Poseidon and the daughter of Athena, I was there!!

Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman) is your average high-school student.  While on a school field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and in the ancient Greek section, he is caught off guard by an attacking fury who demands that he return Zeus’s lightning bolt.  Percy is confused, as he has no idea what a fury is, why it’s attacking him, and why it thinks he has Zeus’ lightning bolt.  Somehow, Percy’s best friend Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) and his teacher Mr. Brunner (Pierce Brosnan) know what’s going on and they come to Percy’s rescue.   This part was confusing; it wasn’t explained how Grover and Mr. Brunner anticipated the attack. Maybe the books elaborated more on it, but the film lacked the proper exposition to my liking.  It is later revealed that Zeus’s lightning bolt has been stolen, and if it’s not returned by the summer solstice, then there will be a war in Mount Olympus.

It is soon revealed that Percy’s mother, Sally (Catherine Keener) had a relationship with Poseidon, hence, Percy was born.  Sally’s husband, Gabe (Joe Pantoliano) doesn’t get along with Percy, and he’s not very nice to Sally either, but that is explained.  Since it’s not safe for Percy to be in the real world, Grover and Sally take him to a special camp for children of mortals and gods, Camp Half-Blood.  While there, Percy meets Annabeth (Alexandria Daddario), a daughter of Athena, and Luke (Jake Abel), a son of Hermes.  At Camp Half-Blood, I found it rather disbelieving that the second Percy picks up a sword, he is able to wield it like a pro.  He didn’t even visit the weapons master to learn his sword fighting skill!!  This was explained as his “warrior instinct”.  Hmmm, I don’t buy it!!  But I’ll play along.

The characters seamlessly accepted their new roles as demigods with too much ease.  Also, everything we just a little TOO convenient for me.  I didn’t feel as if the characters were in any real peril.  There was always someone/something that “just happened” to be nearby to give them aid.  And mortals (such as Sally) had entirely too much knowledge about things that mortals don’t usually know about, such as the location of Camp Half-Blood, and how to get to Mount Olympus (what, you don’t know that?)  The climactic finale managed to drag a little bit.  Otherwise, the acting was solid, the special effects were fantastic, and the references to Greek gods and goddesses were plentiful.  I liked the mixing of ancient Greek mythology with present-day pop-culture, which oddly didn’t seem forced.  Everything blended nicely.

It must have left a decent mark with me, because I will be taking a field trip to my friendly neighborhood library to borrow the first “Percy Jackson” novel.  Maybe it will fill in some of the background details for me.  Overall, if you enjoy the “Harry Potter” and “Chronicles of Narnia” movies, you will enjoy “Percy Jackson”.