Magic is science!

***Yen Sid says, click here!***

Read our youngest writer, Taylor’s review – here!

Swift Shot:  Based incredibly loosely on Goethe’s 1797 ballad, Der Zauberlehrling, “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” will keep you entertained throughout its run time.  Though the story-line differs incredibly, and some peons will argue, in their puerile voices, “But it wasn’t REALLY the SORCERER’S APPRENTICE.”  True, it was better!!  Granted, it was all fluff and fantastic cinematography, with an incredibly unbelievable plot, but if you want to enjoy a film this summer, you can’t go wrong.  Or, listen to the other stuffy critics who still shill their mindless crap via something called a “newspaper”.  I am a movie lover, and I loved this movie!!

The saga of three powerful sorcerers unfolds in Britain, 740 AD, as a power vacuum looms when the legendary Merlin finally meets his demise at the hands of the vile Morgana.  As the narrator points out, Merlin entrusted his vast knowledge of sorcery to three pupils – he should have trusted two.  Merlin is ultimately betrayed by Maxim Horvath (Alfred Molina), and a fight for control of the entire planet ensues.  Balthazar and his dedicated lover, Veronica (Monica Bellucci) manage to subdue Morgana in a cascading doll known as the Grimhold.  But, to trap her, Veronica has to join her.

Before Merlin is betrayed, he tells his pupils of a student that will be born, the Prime Merlinian, who can finally defeat the wretched Morgana and her dark followers.  To this end, he grants his pupils immortality, of course, the old buzzard never tells them it will take a century for the Prime Merlinian to appear.

Balthazar finally finds him, tucked away in the obscurity of our modern world, in Manhattan.  Enter, the apprentice, the incredibly reluctant apprentice – I might add – Dave Stutler (Jay Baruchel), whose name alone conjures images of a nebbish dork destined for not much.  Still, the Prime Merlinian, he is, and Balthazar recruits him through relentless pragmatism to help defeat Horvath – of course, Dave had no small part in releasing Horvath – who was also trapped in the Grimhold . . . along with some other nefarious Morganians.  (One of these Morganians is ripped from a modern classic – I won’t say who here.  But, I will say, it brought a twisted grin to my mind).

The reluctant apprentice (come to think of it, that would have been a better title) is a physics student at NYU trying to win the affection of the beautiful “one who floated away” Becky Barnes (Teresa Palmer). The alliteration with her name made me think Stan Lee was somehow involved in creating her character.  Becky was pivotal to the plot, and I really enjoyed watching her on screen, plus, it was a nice nod to all the geeks out there who let their harts get away.

This film was exactly as labeled, an epic, comedy, action film.  Ok, maybe the epic part was a bit much, because it was a great film, but epic, it fell just shy of epic.  The acting was solid, the comedy was perfect, little nods here and there to geeks of the universe were handled in a way that allows the nerd to develop into a somewhat believable hero.

The special effects, well, what can I say, they were solid, but kudos to the whole crew for making that dragon scene in Chinatown so much fun to watch.  Now that scene . . . was EPIC.  Still, a scene does not a film make.

Nicolas Cage brings it as Balthazar, the thousand year old master pupil of Merlin, seeking out Merlin’s heir.  Cage has been accused, yes, by me, of phoning in performances to collect a paycheck, but he really must have loved the original Fantasia, because he did the old man, Walt “Yen Sid” proud!  His character is fun to watch on screen.

Magic is used a lot in the film, and while we are led to believe most people are too dimwitted to catch on that objects are catching on fire or moving about this way and that, it doesn’t really detract from the overall film, in fact, mere mortal gumption comes in handy a few times.  So, I was happy to see that with all the fantastic magic being used, human ingenuity shared a part with the super-natural, in fact, science and magic are not only able to co-exist, you wonder how many weak-minded fools out there still think magic isn’t “real”.  After this film, you might not be converted, but you won’t be disappointed.

I liked how quickly the bad guy adapted to his new world, using modern items in a very lethal sense – you won’t look at that Far Side desk calendar the same way after this film.

What didn’t I like?  I can’t really tell you here without giving away too much.  The ending left a stale taste in my mouth, and you can see most things in the film coming from a mile away.  The villains were inept, because they spent too much time being ostentatious .  You wait this long to attain something, obtain it, don’t cater to the invisible audience so much.  Still, they were lethal and interesting . . . at times.  To get more than four stars though, I want my villains to be more villainous and less showy.

Overall, this is one of those that you gotta see at the box office, waiting for DVD will cheapen the efforts put into this fun film.  I mean, it’s Disney at its best.

***More bizarre images here***

The summer blockbuster season is in full gear and America can’t seem to get enough of vampires, animated toys, and their favorite fallen hero, M. Night Shyamalan. For better or worse, this familiar fodder is likely to steal attention away from independent and foreign films that deserve their fare share of it. Micmacs, for one, is a French import that is captivating, sweet, and funny in a way that matches few films in the box office today.

It begins with tragedy. A stray bullet finds its way into Bazil’s (Danny Boon) skull. He survives, but is left knowing that the un-removed piece of lead may induce instant death somewhere down the line. Without a job or anyplace to go, Bazil roams the streets of Paris until he ends up in an enclave of freaks – including a human calculator and a contortionist – who live in a cave in a salvage yard.

The film quickly becomes one of the whimsical brainchilds director Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie, Delicatessen) is known for. Bazil finds two monolithic structures, each housing one of two weapons manufacturers he has an unwavering hatred for. One built a mine that killed his father. The other forged the bullet that lies in his fractured head. With the help of his new friends, he hatches a complex scheme for revenge that is fast-moving and beautiful as it unfolds, even though it’s likely too intricate for its own good.

When watching a film by Jeunet, you must completely suspend disbelief. Micmacs is a fantasy film, even though there are no elements typical of the genre. It takes place in the real world, and then it doesn’t. Often, the characters are too smart for their own good. More than often, they’re heads are so far in the clouds that the story and setting can only work if they reflect that. Thankfully, that’s exactly what happens.

With the help of cinematographer Tetsuo Nagata (Splice, Paris, je t’aime), Jeunet delivers a visual treat along with his hefty dose of magical realism. If the plot seems like too much to swallow, rest assured that Micmacs will, at least visually, leave a lasting impression.

The film is also aided by a slew of stellar performances. Micmacs has a solid cast of familiar faces (Jeunet likes to work with a team of actors throughout his films) who embody the strange ensemble perfectly. Even though some of the characters seem very two-dimensional, they work in this world that doesn’t always make sense.

Instead of running to wait in line for Airbender this weekend, which is already a huge letdown, give in to something different. Micmacs won’t rock your world, inspire you to change yourself, or teach you something new. It will, however, lift you out of your comfort zone and drop you someplace fantastic. Though admittedly pointless on many levels, there is enough fun to be had for you to forget that. Plus, being pointless is, in a way, the point of it all.

The H-Bomb: The entire planet has been devastated by some unspecified catastrophic event. All of the animal life and most of the plant life has been completely destroyed. Society has collapsed and human beings have, for the most part, regressed back to a savage state, often resorting to cannibalism in order to survive.

Wandering through this ugly, barren, post-apocalyptic world are a Father (Viggo Mortensen) and his young Son (Kodi Smit-McPhee) who struggle to get by any way they can, while trying to maintain their own humanity in this literal Hell-on-Earth.

From the above synopsis, it’s pretty fair to say that this is not a candidate for “Feel Good Movie of the Year.” In fact, if anything, it’s a shoo-in for “Most Depressing Movie of the Decade,” right alongside “Children of Men”, “Million Dollar Baby”, and “Sex and the City 2”. Based on the Pulitzer Prize winning novel by Cormac McCarthy (“No Country For Old Men”),  “The Road” is dark, grim, and relentlessly downbeat, with practically no moments of levity to be found anywhere.

That said, it’s a beautifully made, thought provoking film that examines two key aspects of human nature: hope and survival. The Father and Son struggle so hard to survive in this brutal, frightening, desolate world. A world that is devoid of any hope for any kind of a positive future, that I had to ask myself, “Why? Why are they even bothering?” The Father even carries around an old revolver, loaded with only two bullets, one for him, and one for his Son. Yet we get the sense that no matter how dire things get, he will never be able to bring himself to use it.

It’s the undefined hope, the vague notion that there is something better out there, that motivates these two to forge ahead. That, to me, is the ultimate point of this story; even in the worst situations imaginable, ones that would cause many to revert back to barbaric savagery, there are good people who will always retain hope, and the will to survive.

As directed by John Hillcoat- who made the equally bleak Aussie western “The Proposition”- the film has an appropriately cold, dreary, colorless look to it. It’s the look of a cruel, dying world, and was perfect in selling the shear desperation of its inhabitants. As the Father, Viggo Mortensen is excellent, as he is in everything, even in shit like the “Psycho” remake. Here he is perfect as a calloused, hardened man who is only driven on by his love for his Son.

Young Australian actor Kodi Smit-McPhee is also terrific as a boy who has grown up in this shit hole of a world, which has forced him to mature beyond his years. Charlize Theron appears in flashbacks as Mortensen’s practical, but not exactly sympathetic wife, and Robert Duvall has a poignant cameo as an old loner who the Father and Son meet on the road. But for most of the film, the Father and Son are alone on screen, as they scrounge around for food, seek out safe places to sleep and stay warm, and of course, avoid those nasty, unpleasant cannibal gangs.

Again, this ain’t no date movie. This is an incredibly dark, depressing film that is not for everyone. It’s a very difficult movie to enjoy and many will come out of it feeling like they’ve just been to a funeral (or like they’ve just spent a weekend with their in-laws). However, for those of you who look for more in a film than just two hours of car chases, explosions, and fart jokes, I would say that “The Road” is a journey that is very much worth your time.

Batshit Insane!

***Alpha Mike Foxtrot***

Swift shot: DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN!   It’s like with Jaws’ theme, the minute you hear that tune, you are keyed up, ready to meet “The A-Team”.  This film was a terrific action flick, but don’t go into the theater looking for an intriguing plot.  As a standalone action flick though, this baby was high speed, bullets and brimstone balls to the wall . . . awesome.  But a confused plot and some poor character flaws were distracting and pointless.  But, Mr. T needs to check it out and stop being a fool; I pity him for opting out of this modern nod to a series long since dead.  He should be thanking them, and if you stick around past the credits you’ll see some old faces who appreciated the new A-Team.

Director Joe Carnahan’s style comes out in the opening sequence which provides for all the exposition he thinks you need.  Each character is introduced in a hokey fashion; but the folks who grew up watching the series will find their inner kid thoroughly stoked and I challenge you not to grin as old friends return to your imagination.

Colonel Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson) puts loyalty and team-work above anything else, his plans always come together, but his cockiness could be his undoing . . . or his team’s.

Lieutenant Templeton, Faceman, Peck (Bradley Cooper) is the suave, con-artist and ladies man of the squad – who sometimes thinks with the wrong brain and has a tendency to be shirtless.

B.A. Baracus (Rampage) fills out the squad’s roster as the muscle and mechanic, but his character flaws left me wanting to puke throughout [Strike One].  Everytime they addressed it, I rolled my eyes, thinking to myself, “Is NOTHING sacred anymore?”  Let’s just say, in real life, a team of operators might not be so keen to suit up with Baracus.

Finally, my favorite character from the series, Howling Mad Murdock, played by the foppish South African Sharlto Copley.  If you don’t recognize him right away, you will when he lets that South African accent loose.  I was most concerned I wouldn’t like this new Murdock.  He isn’t anywhere near as crazy as Dwight Schultz, and most of madness is eluded to off-screen . . . still, he has nothing to be ashamed of – kudos Wikus.

Once you meet each character and you get a feel for the pulse of the A-Team, you get flashed forward eight years – into Baghdad.  The U.S. troops are pulling out, and in what can only be construed as an homage to Kelly’s Heroes, there is a black op to obtain some illegal $100 mint plates that Saddam managed to pilfer years before – yet was unable to make use of because our forces destroyed the original mint.  The badguys are well aware of the existence of both the plates and the A-Team’s mission to get them back.  Taking a political jab at Blackwater Security Forces, we are introduced to the Black Forest Security company, men that Hannibal refers to as “Assassins in Polos”.  Hannibal finds their lack of allegiance to anything but the almighty dollar quite disturbing, as loyalty is what keeps him warm at night.  Leading the assassins is the lethally practical Pike (Brian Bloom).

The A-Team is framed for stealing the plates and for murdering a high ranking officer at the base.  But, wait, here is where the film really starts to be fun, they are aided in breaking out of prison to recover the plates from the real culprits.  And what happens as each character is busted out is more fun to watch than the opening sequence.  The writers allowed for each character’s quirks to be more defined as they stewed in prison, again, framed for a crime they didn’t commit.  CIA agent, Lynch (Patrick Wilson) assures them he will clear their names if they just get the plates back.  I almost forgot to mention Jessica Biel’s Character, former Captain Sosa.  She is forgettable, and at times her motives felt weak and unbelievable, her character was tacked on to entice male audiences, period.  Yea, I am a sexist pig, but I am right, and you know it.  Gladly, she doesn’t play a typical damsel in distress like the Team used to encounter on a regular basis in the series.  But, her character was so annoying to me, I felt she got in the way of the shit I wanted to see, action and more action!

What I loved

The action!! There are scenes in this movie that will make you scream out loud . . . bullshit!!!  Still, you won’t care, because it is just too much fun to watch – it’s called entertainment after all.  Never you mind the fact that one split second later and Faceman would have been a splatter on the road or that you can’t loop a helicopter, who cares?  Just sit back and enjoy the craziness.  Don’t tell me you really thought the old series crew could build a tank out of a washing machine, yet you can’t swallow a flying tank in 2010?  Suspend that disbelief, gentle viewer.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, this film is in 3-D too, sorta, you’ll see.

What irked me

They made one of my favorite characters carry around a burden I found annoying, only because a real A-Team would have said, hey buddy, you can sit this one out til ya get over that shit.  No one wants a pacifist in a fighting hole.  When the convoluted plot is unraveled, it is weak and lacking imagination.  I wanted more from Carnahan, considering how wacky his plot was for Smokin’ Aces.  [Strike Two] Hollywood’s go-to badguys filled the slot, please, someone write a script where the badguy is a little old lady with a penchant for drag-racing and RPGs or something novel.

One thing I can guarantee is that the next time you are logged in playing any kind of XBox Live game, when that 12 year old pops you in the head with a sniper rifle, the last thing you will hear is AMF!   It’s gonna be THE phrase of 2010, politically, at work, hell, maybe even at church, but I will wager you will get sick of hearing it soon enough.

Oh, and think this is all just Hollywood BS?  Think again, check out this interesting article about a real A-Team, or Operational Detachments Alpha in action right now!  Either way, check out The A-Team!!

Gentlemen Broncos is the story of a young man, Benjamin (Michael Angarano) an aspiring science fiction writer.  To hone his skills, he attends a writer’s camp.  He has been working on a novel, humbly penned “Yeast Lords”.  The main character of his eccentric novel is Bronco (Sam Rockwell).   Benjamin’s mother Judith (Jennifer Coolidge) is his biggest fan and has also home schooled Benjamin his whole life.While venturing out to his author’s camp, he encounters two new creative thinkers Tabatha (Halley Feiffer) and Lonnie (Hector Jiminez). Tabatha writes French novels, and Lonnie is a producer/director of movies and trailers.

When they arrive at camp, Tabatha asks to read Benjamin’s story “Yeast Lords” and seemingly gets turned off by it immediately.  She has low expectations of Benjamin’s overall success.  But Benjamin is thrilled to discover his idol, Dr. Chevalier (Jemaine Clement) will be a guest speaker at the camp.  The doctor also announces he will be gathering samples of the student’s writing – the winner will have their story published and sold in book stores across the United States. Benjamin finds out rapidly that idols aren’t always what you expect in the flesh – he is underwhelmed and a little disgusted.  Still, Benjamin does turn in his work, “Yeast Lords”.

Chevalier is not only a self-important prick, he is a failure as a writer, and his publishers are putting pressure on him to produce something good . . . or he is off their gravy train. Fortune favors the fool; though, and Chevalier rips through the submissions and finds Benjamin’s Opus – “Yeast Lords” – and he can’t put it down.

Benjamin leaves camp to find his mother has assigned him a “Guardian Angel” from church, his name is Dusty (Mike White) and is a REAL piece of work. Dusty has his own blow dart gun and he dips the darts in a mixture of rat poison and his own feces! With all this excitement, even more good news is coming Ben’s way as his friends from camp let him know they want to shoot his novel into a film – a trailer is in the works.

Meanwhile Chevalier has reworded and changed “Yeast Lords” to be more suitable for his liking; changing Bronco’s name to Brutus, and also making Brutus a Transvestite. (Sam Rockwell was hysterical when playing Brutus) Benjamin learns while filming the trailer that Lonnie has come into some money and will pay $500 for the rights to “Yeast Lords”. Benjamin quickly agrees and they begin filming with Dusty playing Bronco.

What happens next is fairly obvious, Chevalier is eventually confronted when his new novel “The Chronicles of Brutus and Balzaak” is revealed and Benjamin recognizes it right away – as “Yeast Lords”.  The film picks up and just keeps going into a frenzied crescendo at this point.  All things come to a head, as Benjamin has to reclaim his idea – his idol has betrayed him.  What will he do?  What would you do?

This movie was very funny, and very well done. The fact that it was written and directed by the same guys who did Napoleon Dynamite might give it a little bit of an audience. I will warn you this has similarities to Napoleon Dynamite, but all in all is not really the same. The performances given by all were really well done, but the performance of Sam Rockwell was GENIUS!!!! He really made a decent movie that much better and that much funnier.

I suggest this movie for anyone who has ever read an Issac Asimov novel or just enjoys science fiction. This movie is not life changing or even remotely close, but the characters do grow on you, and it does a good job of making you feel for Benjamin. I say if you’re looking for a movie and a few good laughs, check this out, cause it is well worth the price that you’ll pay to see it!

The H-Bomb: Three life long friends, who have drifted apart over the years, are now all middle-aged and unhappy. There’s Adam (John Cusack), an insurance salesman who’s girlfriend has just left him, taking nearly all his possessions with her (the bitch even took his TV). There’s Nick (Craig Robinson), a once promising musician who has taken his wife’s last name and works a dead end job squeezing out dogs’ clogged up assholes. Then finally there’s Lou (Rob Corddry), a boorish, divorced alcoholic. After Lou winds up in the hospital for what he claims to be an accident, but his friends suspect was a suicide attempt, Adam and Nick decide to take him up to a ski resort that was the party capital of their youth, with Adam’s dorky 20 year old nephew Jacob (Clark Duke) in tow.

So they hit the road for this resort, expecting to relive the wild days of their youth (sex, drugs, booze) only to find that the small town has gone completely down the shitter over the years, and that their hotel/lodge is a musty, decaying, depressing dump, complete with a surly, one armed Bellhop (Crispin Glover). Of course they’re disappointed, but, determined not to let the trip be a complete bust, they all hop into the hot tub out back and drink the night away… in what has to be one of the most bizarre and annoying montages I have ever seen in my life.

The next day, after noticing such strange things as gerry curls, mullets, brand new Miami Vice t-shirts, and live newscasts of Ronald Reagan, the guys slowly realize that they’ve gone back in time to the year 1986. Then they realize something else… not only did they go back in time, but to everyone around them, they look exactly like they did twenty four years ago. They’re in the bodies of their past selves! Now they have to find a way back to their own time, while remembering to do exactly what they did that day twenty four years earlier, so as to not fuck up the space-time continuum. Needless to say, complications, of many varieties, arise… such as women, bullies, and a squirrel covered in vomit (don’t ask).

As a critic, I try to go into every film, no matter what the genre, with an open mind. But to be honest, sitting down to view this one, I was expecting it to be nothing more than one big regurgitated waste of celluloid. I mean, come on, just the title alone is fucktarded beyond belief. Say it out loud to yourself and tell me it doesn’t sound utterly ridiculous. That’s why I was so surprised to find that it’s enjoyable, and often freaking hilarious from beginning to end. It’s raunchy, rude, R-rated comedy at its best. Think of it as “The Hangover with a time travel element, and you basically get the gist.

Part of what I think makes this work is the fact that the movie never really takes itself too seriously for a second. The explanation of how the main characters were able to travel back in time through a FUCKING HOT TUB is especially absurd, but in a good way. In a way that will make you laugh your ass off. In fact, I think the screenwriters deliberately made it absurd because the idea of time travel itself is truly absurd, when you think about it. Is a hot tub time machine really less believable than the Flux Capacitor, or the convoluted, scientific mumbo jumbo explanation for time travel that “Primer” gave us?

Aside from the almost non-stop, often hysterical gags, an aspect that I really liked about this film is all the nods to time travel movies of the past. Everything from “The Butterfly Effect” (which was a piece of shit, but I digress) to “The Terminator” gets a mention here. But the biggest nod has to be the appearance of Crispin Glover, who of course played the Dad in “Back to the Future”. There are two other nods to the “Back to the Future” movies that I spotted here, one major, one subtle, but I won’t spoil them. If one of you fine readers picks up on them, please do comment below.

The entire cast is terrific here. John Cusack does his typical dry, straight man role that he can do in his sleep by now, and he does it well. Craig Robinson, who you might remember from “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”, is cool and funny at the same time, and the scene where he’s cursing out a nine year old girl over the telephone (for reasons I won’t go into), is classic. But the real standout for me was Rob Corddry, as the bald, drunk, never-quite-outgrew-adolescence loser of the group. I’ve never seen him in anything before, but he just walks away with the whole movie, as far as I’m concerned. His character is a completely selfish prick, but he’s weirdly endearing at the same time. As he’s described by his friends, “He’s an asshole, but he’s our asshole.” Rounding out the colorful cast is Chevy Chase, who plays a rather mysterious “Repair Man.”

Director Steve Pink (who co-wrote “Grosse Point Blank” and “High Fidelity” with Cusack years ago) displays not only a terrific sense of comedic timing, but also a solid visual eye. I think his only misstep was his over-directed, over-edited, irritating as fuck all montage in the hot tub that I mentioned earlier. That aside, he did a fine job.

Overall, “Hot Tub Time Machine” is a movie about middle aged men who get the chance to do something middle aged men in the real world can only dream about… a chance to relive their youth. Among all the crude sex jokes, there’s something kind of poignant about that… I think. Oh fuck it, what am I talking about? I liked this movie so much because it made me laugh harder than any film I’ve seen recently. It’s no classic, but if you’re a fan of hard R-rated comedies, or movies with a shit-ton of 80’s references, then I highly recommend you check it out.

Nature is Satan’s church

The H-Bomb: A married couple is in the middle of making love, when their toddler son Nic escapes from his crib, makes his way up to a windowsill, and falls to his death. This plunges his mother, She (Charlotte Gainsbourg- “21 Grams”, “The Science of Sleep”), into a deep depression. The father, He (Willem Dafoe), believes that she is not being treated properly by her psychiatrist. Himself a therapist, He feels that the best treatment for her is a retreat to their secluded cabin in the forest of Eden. Big mistake…

Danish filmmaker Lars von Trier’s latest film was a firebrand of controversy when it premiered in Cannes last year. During the movie’s press conference, one journalist stood up and angrily demanded that von Trier “justify himself” for making this film. While “Antichrist” is certainly dark and disturbing, filled with a number of unsettling images, I believe that many have overstated how “shocking” it is.

While its detractors were upset by it, and dismissed it simply as being the work of a director trying to get a rise out of people, I found it to be an intriguing, provocative look at a couple’s decent into madness after suffering from an unimaginable tragedy. It’s a movie filled with cryptic, surreal imagery and sequences that ultimately, much like a David Lynch film, leaves it open to endless interpretation.

Much could be made of the title, but whether the series of unfortunate events that unfold in the story are the work of the forces of evil, or are simply things that He and She bring upon themselves through their own psychological unraveling, who’s to say?

I personally lean toward the latter. At first, She is the one who seem most shattered and traumatized by her son’s death. He died while she was having passionate sex with her husband, and She feels deep guilt, like She was being punished for her lust, her sin. He, on the other hand, at first comes across as the calm, rational one. He is her rock, and He will help her through her sorrow. However, once they are alone at the cabin, He starts to see (hallucinate?) some strange things, and the sanity of both of them comes into question.

Ultimately, it’s about two people who not only blame themselves for the death of their son, but also each other, and it all spirals into a startlingly violent conclusion.

Man o’ man, while much of the film is quiet and low key, in typical European film fashion, it’s also a genuine mind bender that if you show to a hundred different people, you will get one hundred different interpretations as to its meaning. It’s full of religious symbolism and subtext as well as many beautifully haunting images.

I have heard about this film for nearly a year and was finally able to see it on Netflix Instant Play, and I wasn’t disappointed. From the very first scene I was hooked in by this curious little fucker, and it didn’t let me go until its rather baffling final scene. Now this is certainly not a movie for the masses. It’s slow, ambiguous, sexually explicit, and graphically violent. There is much in here to turn off many. Von Trier has been accused of gratuitously including many elements for simply for cheap shock effect; porno-like close ups of male-female penetration, close ups genital mutilation and other horrific images.

Normally, I would agree, but, as disgusting as those visuals were, in the context of this film, and in context of von Trier’s typical envelope pushing style of film making, I didn’t find them inappropriate. The director dedicated this film to the late Russian filmmaker Andrei Tarkovsky (“Solaris“, “Stalker“), which makes sense, as this is very reminiscent of his work in terms of tone, mood, and style. It also contains many philosophical and religious undertones not unlike the ones found in Tarkovsky’s films.

Again, this is most certainly not a film for everyone. In fact, I would only really recommend it to the most adventurous, open minded, patient, and strong stomached of film buffs. That narrows the field quite a bit, but I found it to be a challenging and worthwhile experience.

As a final note, if you’re ever hiking through the woods, and all the sudden a dead, mangled fox looks up at you and says, “Chaos reigns,” turn and get the fuck outta there as fast as your legs will take you!

Isvand i blodet! – Ice to your blood! “Peer Gynt”

Swift shot: Demented and hilarious, surreal and somehow believable – Dead Snow shocks and demands a viewing.  You won’t be amazed, but you will not soon forget Dead Snow.  Simple concept from start to finish but the cinematography is unbelievably choice.  The pure white snow provides the perfect contrast to the carnage and carnal evil of the thick red darkness haunting Øksfjord.  I am going to follow all of director Tommy Wirkola’s stuff from now on, I am impressed!

Like many typical zombie Nazi flicks, this one starts off with a group of horny friends going to a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere – but, unlike America, this is REALLY the middle of nowhere – I googled it, because I couldn’t remember if I hit Øksfjord on my NATO tour of Norway.  Turns out, I did, but that is all classified and shit.

Yes, you can hack this script at places as so cliched you will be looking for the Nazi zombies, or zombie Nazis (take your pick) to don hockey masks.  Still, where it isn’t cliche, it really serves up some hefty portions of meaty goodness.  In fact, the director pokes fun of this right off the bat, with this line,  “How many movies start with a group of friends on a trip to a cabin with no cell phone signal?” I loved that, because I don’t consider myself a real critic, just a lucky SOB who gets to share his thoughts with my overwhelming network of friends.  Also, I love when characters reference pop culture, because, hey that is the way real people talk all the time.

What is it about?

Eight friends have arranged to meet in the middle of nowhere at a family cabin way up near the border of Russia. (That isn’t classified, because such as the Iraq, and such as, people who have maps such as can find it)  If these crazy pop-ins of pop-culture are making you want to pop your eyes out with a cheese knife, I apologize – but the screenwriters used pop-culture throughout the film to help flesh out the characters a bit.  I mean, you want to see authentic Norwegian dialog, here it be.  And, goofy sweaters aside, they could be your friends down the road.

These particular friends are all medical students, and they have decided to take a breather from their studies and basically hang out, drink beer, reminisce and maybe get laid a few times – I love Norway.  But, each character has their own little quirks that make them stand out, and because this film is subtitled sometimes it is hard to really immerse yourself in a foreign film.

You have the two movie geeks, one is hot, Chris (Jenny Skavlan), and one is not, Erlend (Jeppe Laursen).  They quickly get reprimanded for movie quoting early on, which I loved – because I have had several friends say, Jesus, can’t you have a thought WITHOUT referencing a damned movie?  Martin (Vegar Hoel)  is a squeamish leader of the pack, a medical student who nearly faints at the sight of a drop of blood.   Hanna (Charlotte Frogner) is his girlfriend, and she has issues with tight spaces.  Liv (Evy Kasseth Røsten) is not Maria Bello, but damn she looks like her to me, and I couldn’t focus on her character much more beyond that – because the resemblance was weirding me out, watching Maria Bello speak Norwegian.

Co-screenwriter Stig Frode Henriksen rounds out the main group of characters with Roy.  Roy is your basic dude, doesn’t stand out much, except that you can tell he is a writer and not an actor.  Sorry man, but you know it too, ikke sant?  Vegard (Lasse Valdal) and Sara (Ana Dahl Torp) are the couple that put the whole trip into motion, the cabin belongs to Sara’s family and she insists in going through the woods cross-country skiing, literally.  Vegard is more practical, he has a badass snowmobile, which only becomes more badass throughout – and you will love his character.

When they get to the cabin, they soon encounter a creepy old guy who tells them about the Nazis at Øksfjord who unlike other places “didn’t get along well with the local population” – you know, because Nazis are always confused with playing well with others – so he had to clarify that point.  Turns out the Nazis stole a bunch of gold and silver from the locals before razing the entire area in a scorched earth campaign, but the locals didn’t go down without a fight – Viking blood and all that.  That is all you really need to know about what is it about, as you can guess the rest from there.

Colonel Herzog (Ørjan Gamst), leads the Nazi zombies, or zombie Nazi horde with a chilling demeanor.  I found out Ørjan Gamst shared a beer in Alta with a friend of mine from Stavanger.  I wish it had been me, because I would have asked Ørjan, wait, were you the leader of the zombie Nazis or Nazi zombies?  And, then I would have laughed as he caught the reference to the South Park episode, Pirate Ghosts or Ghost Pirates – right before he fed me my entrails and played with my eyeballs – just so I could watch him eat the rest of me – yea, on second thought – not so sure I would want to have a beer with that guy.

Why do I care?

The transformation of the key characters is fun to watch, as each faces their own little personal demons whilst battling and fleeing from the Nazi zombies.  Come on, don’t we ALL have Nazi zombie issues?  Isn’t there something eating at you?

The gore is wonderful to behold, it is very much like the Norwegian version of Shaun of the Dead . . . yet twice as fun.  The creative way people are killed was masterful in uniqueness.

The soundtrack was pure Norwegian, even the opening sequence booms Grieg’s In the Hall of the Mountain King, you Americans will recognize it immediately – and now you have some culture thanks to Rick Swift.  It isn’t just for Needful Things anymore.

I liked that the violence wasn’t quick and simple, people and zombies take a long time to die, no cheesy sequences of people hearing a blast, clutching their chest and dropping like all of Lieutenant Dan’s dead relatives.   All the brutality in this film reminded me just how much violence the human body can take before it finally gives up and accepts death.  Not one of these characters died well.  One cliff hanging scene in particular left me holding my gut and exclaiming, Holy Shit!

I want to watch this one with all my friends, drinking pils and talking about the Simpsons and simpler times. It is a fun, fuck-it-all film for the audience to cringe with and laugh with and there is even a little twist thrown in to make things more fun for horror movie buffs.  So, if you have Netflix, watch it on instant view now, if you don’t, rent it – tonight!

The H-Bomb: This bitter/sweet film about a middle-aged downsizing expert who starts to question his profession and the priorities in his life has been a critical darling during this award season, but, does it really deserve all the praise that’s been heaped onto it? Read on…

Jason Reitman is quickly becoming one of my favorite up and coming filmmakers. I thoroughly enjoyed “Juno” through and through, despite some of its hokey dialogue, and while I must admit I haven’t seen “Thank You For Smoking” from beginning to end, I did like the portions of it I caught on TV. Now, after seeing his latest film, I’m completely sold on him. He’s a genuine talent who’s here to stay.

“Up in the Air” tells the story of Ryan Bingham (George Clooney), a man who travels all over the country laying off employees for companies who are too gutless to fire their own workers themselves. Ryan has been doing his job for so long, that despite going to bed in a different time zone almost every day, he’s practically perfected his routine to a T. He gets the V.I.P. from all the hotels, airlines, car rental agencies, and he’s very close to completing his main goal in life; to rack up ten million frequent flier miles so he can achieve an extra-special V.I.P. status.

Ryan also happens to be very good at what he does. He can sit there and have people scream “Fuck you!” into his face or listen to their sob stories about their mortgages and their children without batting an eye. He is often able to successfully turn it around by saying things like “Try to look at this as a new beginning for you. A new chapter in your life.” or “Here’s your chance to go chase your real dream.” Of course, despite sounding sincerely empathetic to the people he lays off, it’s all but completely impersonal to him.

In fact, Ryan has made it a personal lifestyle choice to not connect with human beings on any kind of meaningful level. He’s never been interested in marriage or children, has no real friends, and he has two sisters, with whom he has as little contact with as possible. He’s on the road 322 days of the year, and when we see his actual apartment, it’s even more generic and devoid of personality than the many hotel rooms he stays in.

Ryan’s a man who lives out of a suitcase, and real relationships are just excess baggage that he would just as soon not have to haul around. This starts to change when he meets Alex (Vera Farmiga), a fellow business traveler who he has a fling with one night, then arranges to rendezvous with in different cities around the country, whenever their schedules permit. His life is shaken up even more when he’s shackled up with Natalie (Anna Kendrick), an ambitious but naive new employee with a radical new idea that would change his job, and his life, completely. Needless to say, Ryan is not happy about it.

This really is an actor’s movie, and the three lead performances are pitch perfect. As Ryan, Clooney really shines. He truly is a leading man of the “old Hollywood” variety and he’s firing on all cylinders here. He’s engaging, charismatic, cocky, yet also insecure and discontent… even though he doesn’t realize it for most of the film. I would go as far as saying this is his best performance ever (with the exception of “From Dusk Till Dawn”, of course). Farmiga is spot on as Ryan’s casual sex partner and sort of kindred spirit. She’s cool, sexy, and really damn funny. As their relationship grows, we see Ryan do something he’s never done in his life, develop genuine feelings for another human being. Then there’s Kendrick, who starts off as an over-achieving tight wad, but who becomes more and more sympathetic as we get to know her. J.K. Simmons and The Hangover’s Zach Galifianakis deliver brief but very memorable turns as workers who are fired by Ryan.

The film starts off lightly, but becomes more and more dramatic as Ryan starts to really take a good hard look at his own life. In many ways it reminded me of the kind of film Alexander Payne would make; a film about a man who thinks he’s happy, but who deep down knows there’s something important missing from his life. It also recalls Payne’s work in how it brilliantly balances the comedy and drama.

My hat goes off to director Reitman who, much like he did with “Thank You For Smoking”, took a main character who would be detestable, yet made him sympathetic simply by making him human. He may not win an Oscar for this one, but he’s certainly cemented himself on my list of must see directors, and I will be looking forward to all of his future projects. This truly is an entertaining and moving film, and I would urge everyone to see it while it’s still playing in theaters.