The H-Bomb: Arthur and Norma Lewis (James Marsden and Cameron Diaz) are a perfectly happy middle class married couple living in 1970’s suburban Virginia. She’s a teacher at a private school, he’s a NASA scientist, and they have a young son, Walter (Sam Oz Stone). One day, a stranger by the name of Arlington Steward (Frank Langella) arrives on their doorstep. A vaguely sinister man, missing a portion of his face, Steward delivers a strange wooden box with a large red button on the top and makes Norma an offer: if she presses the button, her family will be given one million dollars in cash, but… someone in the world, a complete stranger, will die.

The other conditions are that she has 24 hours to decide, and she is only allowed to discuss it with her husband. If she tries to talk to anyone else about it, then Steward will somehow know about it and the deal will be off. While their first instinct is to tell this Steward guy to take his box and shove it up his rectum, the Lewis’s realize that they are strapped for cash, and that they won’t be able to afford to send their son to private school for much longer.

They also notice that other people around them have been acting strangely and suffering from nose bleeds. And just who the hell is this Steward guy, anyway, and what is this box? Could it have something to do with that Mars project Arthur has been working on…?

“The Box” is a movie that took me a couple of viewings to form a solid opinion on, and even then, I’m not sure how solid it is. Much like with writer/director Richard Kelly’s “Southland Tales”, there’s a lot about it that I liked, but there were things about it that I wasn’t too crazy about, which ultimately kept me from loving it. Given the studio budget and the cast, I expected this to be more mainstream than Kelly’s first two films, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Even though it’s more focused and palatable than “Southland Tales”, it’s still quite odd and obscure in places.

Adapted from a (very) short story by Richard Matheson (“Duel”, “Stir of Echoes”), this is actually a film that I can’t say much about without giving away spoilers. It’s part sci-fi, part morality tale, and part Richard Kelly mind fuck. The first hour or so of the movie recalls some of the great paranoia thrillers of the past, particularly “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. Helped by Langella’s subtly menacing performance and an terrifically eerie music score, it brilliantly establishes intrigue and builds up tension. I was all set to love it…

Then, along came the last act, where for me it just fell apart. Again, I can’t go into detail, but the way this set up played out just didn’t quite do it for me. I’m not sure where it went astray. Perhaps it was when Kelly fell back on his tired watery portal idea that he’s used in all three of his flicks now, I can’t quite say. I just know that it all but completely fizzled towards the end.

However, this is not at all a bad film. Far from it, in fact. The performances are all strong; Langella, again, is excellent, and Diaz and Marsden are very convincing as an average married couple who are thrust into this strange predicament and are forced to make some very difficult decisions. Many of the best science fiction films out there also deal with themes of morality intelligently, and this one is no different. It makes us think, “What would we do if someone told us to press a button, and we would get a million dollars, knowing that a stranger would die.” We would all like to say that we absolutely would not press the button… but you never know. A million dollars is a million dollars, and people die every day…

While not perfect, this is a smart, suspenseful film that may be frustrating at times, but is intriguing throughout. It’s not as powerful or engaging as Kelly’s “Donnie Darko”, it’s certainly an improvement over the messy, scatter-brained “Southland Tales”. Definitely worthwhile for filmgoers who like to think outside the box (sorry).

Hardly “Carroll’s” Alice!

Swift shot:  Colorful and dark, a new twist on the Alice tales of “Lewis Carroll”.  My exposure to Alice in Wonderland is pretty slim, I saw the original Disney film when I was a kid and loved the Cheshire Cat and remember thinking Alice was a bit of a spoiled brat.  But, legends change with time – Burton does a good job keeping the primary elements intact.  The dynamic world of Underland, as it is supposed to be called, feels more alive than ever – but sadly the 3D effect had little to do with that phenomena and more with the powerful use of colors and characters.

Alice in Wonderland reminds us all what it is like to be yourself, reckless and free of the prohibitions placed on us by society – in a time when women were to be seen and not heard, and certainly never trusted, Alice soon finds herself torn in both reality and in Wonderland faced with the dilemma of not meeting up to everyone’s expectations of her.  What is a girl to do?  Even in her fantasy world she is falling short, as everyone keeps reminding her she is “the wrong Alice”.

What is it about?

The soon-to-be-twenty, Alice Kingsleigh (Mia Wasikowska) is bound for a garden party, a surprise affair set up so her secret admirer, Lord Hamish, may propose to her in front of all of their peers.  Hamish, whose foppish appearance screams of Alfred E. Newman all grown up essentially commands Alice to meet him under the gazebo so that he may claim her hand.  Asking isn’t something lords are accustomed to, especially not during Carroll’s day.   Alice, in a panic, darts off claiming she has seen a white rabbit and must find out where it is going.

Alice is quickly brought to a rabbit hole and, despite terrible nightmares wherein she falls down into a rabbit hole, peers into it and, wouldn’t ya know it – she falls into the hole.  Not too bright, this Alice.  When she falls through the hole, what you should get is an amazing 3D experience, but because everything is happening so fast, you will get special effects soup, as I call it.

The human eye can only focus on so many things at once, and with her dizzying descent into the hole, objects swish by her, and you, so fast – they get lost to the eye.  I imagine shedding the 3D specs might have helped. And, unless you need to see spears thrust at you later on in the movie, in a cheesy attempt to warrant 3D, just pass on the 3D stuff – I can’t emphasize that enough, as I wish I had NOT seen it in 3D at all.  If anything, it will detract from your overall immersion with the story – hardly the director’s intent.

Alice is soon encountering all manner of odd creature and, of course, just about everything can talk to her – and does.  She is not exactly welcomed with warmth, more apathy and suspicion that the white rabbit snagged the “wrong Alice”.  Alice doesn’t really think any of this is real, so she decides she might as well enjoy her stay in this odd dream land, constantly reminding her new “friends” that they don’t exist anyway.  She soon finds out how very real all of these characters are as she is relentlessly pursued by the Red Queen’s evil Knave, Stayne (played by an actor who is a blast from the past – so I won’t reveal it here).

Alice must battle with inner doubts about her principles outweighing the safety of her new friends, and she must prove to everyone that she is the right Alice.  She is to be a champion for a task so impossible, that not even her deceased father, the dreamer, could have imagined it for her.  But, as he used to tell her each night she woke from her little nightmares, nothing is impossible . . . certainly nothing is impossible in this Burton re-telling of Alice in Wonderland.

Why do I care?

So, why go see another Alice tale?  What makes this any different or any better than the countless other Wonderlands out there?  Quite simply, Tim Burton – he manages to create a masterful rendition of Alice in Wonderland using darker tones and subtle hints of the old classic Disney cartoon. The characters in Alice in Wonderland come alive due to the almost seamless special effects, whilst all the characters have something a tad “off” about them, they don’t seem unreal – more dreamlike.  A lucid dream that you wake up from knowing that the characters are real and you can call them up on some sort of imagination rolodex at your leisure.

Depp and Carter both become their respective other selves in a haunting fashion, it’s what I would expect from both of them – and they don’t disappoint.  Newcomer, Mia Wasikowska is simply the perfect choice for this new Alice, a bit bratty yet practical and determined to settle things her way, regardless of the expectations of others.  All of the characters will leave a little something in your heart before you slip off to sleep, and you will find yourself wondering what kind of magical characters are waiting for you, in your own personal Wonderland.   After all, impossible is just a word, and a dream is simply the way we defeat the impossible.

To say what I didn’t like about Alice in Wonderland would be a bit of a spoiler, so, let’s just say the end left a lot to be desired for how quickly things were assumed and wrapped up as though everyone was in Wonderland with Alice.  Still, I enjoyed the story and it was a more grown-up version of the Alice I remember from all those years ago.  I would highly recommend you venture down the rabbit hole and enjoy Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, today.

Swift note:  We managed to steal a new writer from across the pond who already screened Alice in Wonderland for our UK audience, but I wanted to reveal them both at the same time, to give you a chance to see a Yank’s perspective vs. a Brit’s.  So, please have a look at our newest member of the team, Krystal Sim’s offering of Burton’s Alice.

Isvand i blodet! – Ice to your blood! “Peer Gynt”

Swift shot: Demented and hilarious, surreal and somehow believable – Dead Snow shocks and demands a viewing.  You won’t be amazed, but you will not soon forget Dead Snow.  Simple concept from start to finish but the cinematography is unbelievably choice.  The pure white snow provides the perfect contrast to the carnage and carnal evil of the thick red darkness haunting Øksfjord.  I am going to follow all of director Tommy Wirkola’s stuff from now on, I am impressed!

Like many typical zombie Nazi flicks, this one starts off with a group of horny friends going to a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere – but, unlike America, this is REALLY the middle of nowhere – I googled it, because I couldn’t remember if I hit Øksfjord on my NATO tour of Norway.  Turns out, I did, but that is all classified and shit.

Yes, you can hack this script at places as so cliched you will be looking for the Nazi zombies, or zombie Nazis (take your pick) to don hockey masks.  Still, where it isn’t cliche, it really serves up some hefty portions of meaty goodness.  In fact, the director pokes fun of this right off the bat, with this line,  “How many movies start with a group of friends on a trip to a cabin with no cell phone signal?” I loved that, because I don’t consider myself a real critic, just a lucky SOB who gets to share his thoughts with my overwhelming network of friends.  Also, I love when characters reference pop culture, because, hey that is the way real people talk all the time.

What is it about?

Eight friends have arranged to meet in the middle of nowhere at a family cabin way up near the border of Russia. (That isn’t classified, because such as the Iraq, and such as, people who have maps such as can find it)  If these crazy pop-ins of pop-culture are making you want to pop your eyes out with a cheese knife, I apologize – but the screenwriters used pop-culture throughout the film to help flesh out the characters a bit.  I mean, you want to see authentic Norwegian dialog, here it be.  And, goofy sweaters aside, they could be your friends down the road.

These particular friends are all medical students, and they have decided to take a breather from their studies and basically hang out, drink beer, reminisce and maybe get laid a few times – I love Norway.  But, each character has their own little quirks that make them stand out, and because this film is subtitled sometimes it is hard to really immerse yourself in a foreign film.

You have the two movie geeks, one is hot, Chris (Jenny Skavlan), and one is not, Erlend (Jeppe Laursen).  They quickly get reprimanded for movie quoting early on, which I loved – because I have had several friends say, Jesus, can’t you have a thought WITHOUT referencing a damned movie?  Martin (Vegar Hoel)  is a squeamish leader of the pack, a medical student who nearly faints at the sight of a drop of blood.   Hanna (Charlotte Frogner) is his girlfriend, and she has issues with tight spaces.  Liv (Evy Kasseth Røsten) is not Maria Bello, but damn she looks like her to me, and I couldn’t focus on her character much more beyond that – because the resemblance was weirding me out, watching Maria Bello speak Norwegian.

Co-screenwriter Stig Frode Henriksen rounds out the main group of characters with Roy.  Roy is your basic dude, doesn’t stand out much, except that you can tell he is a writer and not an actor.  Sorry man, but you know it too, ikke sant?  Vegard (Lasse Valdal) and Sara (Ana Dahl Torp) are the couple that put the whole trip into motion, the cabin belongs to Sara’s family and she insists in going through the woods cross-country skiing, literally.  Vegard is more practical, he has a badass snowmobile, which only becomes more badass throughout – and you will love his character.

When they get to the cabin, they soon encounter a creepy old guy who tells them about the Nazis at Øksfjord who unlike other places “didn’t get along well with the local population” – you know, because Nazis are always confused with playing well with others – so he had to clarify that point.  Turns out the Nazis stole a bunch of gold and silver from the locals before razing the entire area in a scorched earth campaign, but the locals didn’t go down without a fight – Viking blood and all that.  That is all you really need to know about what is it about, as you can guess the rest from there.

Colonel Herzog (Ørjan Gamst), leads the Nazi zombies, or zombie Nazi horde with a chilling demeanor.  I found out Ørjan Gamst shared a beer in Alta with a friend of mine from Stavanger.  I wish it had been me, because I would have asked Ørjan, wait, were you the leader of the zombie Nazis or Nazi zombies?  And, then I would have laughed as he caught the reference to the South Park episode, Pirate Ghosts or Ghost Pirates – right before he fed me my entrails and played with my eyeballs – just so I could watch him eat the rest of me – yea, on second thought – not so sure I would want to have a beer with that guy.

Why do I care?

The transformation of the key characters is fun to watch, as each faces their own little personal demons whilst battling and fleeing from the Nazi zombies.  Come on, don’t we ALL have Nazi zombie issues?  Isn’t there something eating at you?

The gore is wonderful to behold, it is very much like the Norwegian version of Shaun of the Dead . . . yet twice as fun.  The creative way people are killed was masterful in uniqueness.

The soundtrack was pure Norwegian, even the opening sequence booms Grieg’s In the Hall of the Mountain King, you Americans will recognize it immediately – and now you have some culture thanks to Rick Swift.  It isn’t just for Needful Things anymore.

I liked that the violence wasn’t quick and simple, people and zombies take a long time to die, no cheesy sequences of people hearing a blast, clutching their chest and dropping like all of Lieutenant Dan’s dead relatives.   All the brutality in this film reminded me just how much violence the human body can take before it finally gives up and accepts death.  Not one of these characters died well.  One cliff hanging scene in particular left me holding my gut and exclaiming, Holy Shit!

I want to watch this one with all my friends, drinking pils and talking about the Simpsons and simpler times. It is a fun, fuck-it-all film for the audience to cringe with and laugh with and there is even a little twist thrown in to make things more fun for horror movie buffs.  So, if you have Netflix, watch it on instant view now, if you don’t, rent it – tonight!

The H-Bomb: After a decade and a half of making a name for himself as a potty-mouthed indie auteur, Kevin Smith makes his second attempt to break into mainstream movie making, after his misguided PG-13, blander than white rice effort known as “Jersey Girl”. Is he more successful this time? As I always say, read on…

Kevin Smith is one of my favorite filmmakers. The moment I finished watching “Clerks“ on video for the first time, I immediately rewound the tape and watched it again. That‘s something I never do, but I found the film so fucking hysterical I just had to see it again right then and there. As you may have guessed from reading some of my bin bilge write-ups, Smith’s profane style of humor appeals to me, and I’ve been a devout fan of his work for a decade now.

That said, I honestly was not looking forward to “Cop Out”. The more I heard about this movie, the more I got that sinking feeling that Kev sold out. Why? Well first off, the fact that he didn’t write it. What’s the damn point of Kevin Smith directing someone else’s script when he himself is most distinguished for his obscene and clever writing? The least impressive part of his films has been his simple “point and shoot” style of directing. Secondly, the buddy cop action comedy genre is so fucking tired. From the “Lethal Weapon” movies, to the “Rush Hour” movies, and all the others in between, did we really need another one of these? Thirdly, the trailer I saw looked bloody awful! It made me want to chuck my laptop out the fucking window! Fourthly, Tracey Morgan… more on him later.

Fortunately, for my sake, “Cop Out” turned out to be much better than expected. It’s often funny and watchable throughout. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good, in fact it’s pretty uneven in spots, but for much of the time, I found it reasonably entertaining.

The story breaks down like this: Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan play a couple of dicks in NYC who have been partners for nine years. Willis’ daughter is getting married soon and her wedding will cost around fifty grand. Now, fifty grand is A LOT of money for a New York cop, and it doesn’t help that Willis and Morgan have both been suspended from the force, for a complicated mishap, without pay, for a month. Rather than let his daughter’s wealthy but douche baggy step dad pay for the wedding, he decides to sell a valuable vintage baseball card of his to cover the shindig.

Things get (overly) complicated when the card is stolen from Willis, and he and Morgan spend the rest of the movie dealing with burglars, car thieves, Mexican drug dealers, and other assorted low lives in order to get it back.

Yes, on paper, the plot SOUNDS. FUCKING. STUPID. However, the events unfold in a surprisingly unpredictable and enjoyable way… for the most part. While Smith isn’t credited with the screenplay, it actually is every bit as raunchy and R-Rated as anything he’s ever directed. It’s so rife with his style of profanity and sexual humor, that I suspect he did do a polish on the material, after all (The fact that the phrase :“ass-to-mouth“ is uttered at one point confirms this in my mind). And despite the fact that he’s not known for having any kind of visual flare, his skills behind the camera are quite impressive. There are slick camera moves and shaky cam aplenty, and Smith, despite statements he’s made in the past, shows that he has a skill for shooting action scenes. They’re well shot and the violence gets pretty brutal.

He does a good job of balancing the comedic and dark aspects of the material. At times it plays like a very gritty crime drama, while at others it feels like a “Naked Gun” movie. The dynamic between Willis and Morgan is what you would expect; Willis is the straight man and Morgan is the “funny” man. They have good chemistry together and, as such, play off each other well, though predictably, most of their interaction consists of bickering.

On the down side of things, the film is very hit or miss when it comes to the laughs. Morgan is alternately incredibly funny or excruciatingly irritating. This is perfectly encapsulated in a running gag the movie creates for him: whenever he’s speaking to a suspect, he repeats lines from famous cop movies. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Let me put it this way, if you ever want to hear the worst Robocop impression ever, go see this movie.

The same goes for Seann William Scott, who has a supporting role as a Parkour running thief; sometimes funny, sometimes annoying as fucknuts. The movie does drag in places from having scenes allowed to go on for too long and from too many subplots that have nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Were the rival detectives played by Adam Brody and Kevin Pollack necessary? Did we need the plot thread where Tracey Morgan’s wife may or may not be cheating on him?

Not to mention there are many scenes that could’ve and should’ve been left on the cutting room floor. One that comes to mind is an amusing yet lengthy and totally unnecessary scene between Seann William Scott and some random dude in a jail cell. While watching it, I kept thinking to myself, “Why the fuck is this scene in the movie? What purpose does it serve?” None, at all, as do a number of others.

When all is said and done, it is a perfectly decent action-comedy that mixes the laughs and the gunfire well, but it is flawed and more likely is worth a rental, and not a trip to the theater. If you do go to see it, be sure to stay through the first part of the end credits, because there is a hilarious scene that ends the film proper.

It’s where we create the ghosts

Swift shot: Mentally intriguing suspense mystery worthy of Hitchcock.  Coming off the success with The Departed and flexing his mental muscles a bit more, dabbling in subtle tones of darkness and despair, Marty delivers a fine film for those that miss the classic thrillers.  Shutter Island has a lot going on, and you need to pay attention to pry out the nuances of brilliance throughout.

The film opens with a rocky ferry ride to Ashecliffe Hospital, a kind of mental hospital with armed guards, a prison for the criminally insane – think Arkham Asylum meets The Rock.  U.S. Marshall Teddy Daniels (DiCaprio), witness to the most despicable scenes of World War II, is sent to the island in 1954 to locate a missing patient who seemingly vanished from her cell without a trace.  He is paired with a new partner, Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo) who never leaves his side throughout the investigation.  The escaped mental patient, Rachel is cunning and deadly, but how did she manage to leave her cell?  Did she have help escaping?  Is there someone on the inside working against the investigation?

There are so many different themes in Shutter Island, and the intrigue and suspense are strangely believable, clues are given to the investigators and the audience as more pieces of the puzzle are revealed  – but these pieces just seem to add to the frustration.  Something dark and sinister is going on at Ashecliffe Hospital, with so many secrets, so many ghosts, too many lies and dark whispers creating traumatic nightmares making it impossible to discover the truth.

Why are the OSS (current CIA) and other federal agencies consulting with the staff?  What could macabre, diabolical geniuses do with limitless power?  What kind of traps could they set, and are they on the side of evil?  These are the questions you will continually find yourself churning in your head – just what is going on at Ashecliffe Hospital?

Incredibly well acted film, as you would expect from Marty Scorsese.  Cameos abounded in Shutter Island, and one in particular brought back some guttural personal feelings I haven’t had watching a film since Silence of the Lambs.  Shutter Island is full of ghosts, actors I thought had passed on, if not from the Earth, then clearly from the public arena.  Of course, for Scorsese, they were more than willing to make a dramatic return – much to my dark delight.

You will be entertained and you will be discussing this movie for months with your friends.  Why doesn’t this get five stars?  While the concept and delivery of the film were brilliant, I can’t say I didn’t find loopholes that left me mentally agitated afterward.  Most stories are like this, of course, because they are works of fiction, and I would have liked to see some more character impact from some of the cameos and a little less from other characters.  Can’t call this one flawless for that reason, and that reason alone – otherwise, an amazing piece of film that you must treat yourself to.

A dynamic dirge for the weary soul, for the travelers who live in violence and who understand its brutal, yet efficient, applications.  Things are never quite what they seem, and the music and memories of the past will remind you of a dark episode in your own lives perhaps – when justice and vengeance met at a cross-roads, and where the truth set you free.

Waste of a soul

Swift shot: I don’t care.  It was boring, full of cliches and hack writing.  Jeff Bridges can act, and clearly taking on a terrible script and making it “shine” is what passes for Academy gold these days.  Based on that caveat alone, Bridges should get the Oscar, but to quote Metallica, “So Fucking What?”  Yes, Metallica is more my speed, but I can appreciate a good film regardless of genre.  Crazy Heart is one of those movies that everyone is telling you that you are supposed to like, so, if you don’t what the hell is your problem?

It’s about a loser, a sell-out, a drunk and an overall boring washed up country music singer (and I use that term loosely).  It starts off with little promise and only gets worse from there.  Tepid, like the piss he transports with him in his Silverado, or was it a Suburban, yea, who cares?  Nothing remotely interesting happens in this film!  And, if you think it does, god-damned, you are an incredibly boring person, go live a little.

No one is really ever challenged in any significant (believable) way, and when there are challenges, all the characters conveniently solve them within one montage – if only life were so damned simple.  Hey, I have fucked my my whole life, guess I just need to fish with Robert Duvall and join the happy tree friends for an AA meeting and voila, no more problems – AWESOME!

This character has the soul of a sociopath sans the whimsy and cutting up of coeds.  Yes, again, I wanted a lot more out of this script.  It was like being God and randomly flipping through your rollodex to check on one of your creations, and instead of having mercy on him and dropping a stage-light on his head, you keep him alive for some sick amusement – which even you don’t understand.  In fact, it was very much like watching bad Mexican TV in a dilapidated hotel room, so damned uninteresting it becomes like a laxative for your mind.  So, you are God, and just sitting there watching this loser’s life and thinking, man I should turn this off, but then I would have to get up and readjust my nads.

I get this a lot, but, Rick, you didn’t tell me what the movie was about . . .  so, go read a synopsis!  Fine, it was about a washed up has been, who sells out his integrity and is so selfish he can’t do one thing without regard to his immediate gratification.  He meets a young philly who happens to be smitten with him for some reason that I will never understand.  He has some cliche lines about being on the road, living the life of a traveler, regrets not seeing his son for twenty-four years (sound familiar, The Wrestler) returns home, fishes, and does the one thing his love-interest (Maggie Gyllenhaal) asks him not to do.

Let’s talk about “demographic” here, shall we?  My detractors will say, “well, that just wasn’t Rick Swift’s scene daddy-o” (because that is how I imagine my detractors talk, like hepcats).  Bullshit, I find myself watching all manner of film in my life, and appreciating a vast variety of the cornucopia of the industry.  In Norway I taught myself how to leser Norsk (read Norwegian) by watching Swedish movies with Norwegian subtitles, after several hours of Major Dad marathons with Norwegian subtitles, whilst hearing  English.  I love Swedish films, Danish films, German, French, you name it, I like films about angst, drama, passion, deceit, conflict, you know INTERESTING themes.

But, dear reader, Crazy Heart was vapidly exhausting and mind-numbing rubbish, void of anything worthwhile, except that Bridges really does (dry heave) BECOME Bad Blake – and . . . who cares?

I am starting to sound like H-Man when he rips into a Bin Bilger here, but, my level of detestation for this film knows no bounds.  See, that was kind of a cliche, you could make a whiskey shot drinking game out of every cliche in Crazy Heart – in fact, DO IT, maybe something REMOTELY interesting will happen to you during the game.! You know that Navy commercial, “If someone wrote a story about your life . . . would anybody read it?”   Life is short, please don’t waste 112 minutes watching this crap.

I have to get out this last tweet!

As a die-hard “Harry Potter” fan, when I first saw a preview for “Percy Jackson & the Olympians:  The Lightning Thief” I rolled my eyes and thought “oh how nice, they are copying “Harry Potter””.  However, the more previews I saw for “Lightning Thief” the more I actually wanted to see it.  I always loved reading Greek myths in school, so when I realized that this story is about the son of Poseidon and the daughter of Athena, I was there!!

Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman) is your average high-school student.  While on a school field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and in the ancient Greek section, he is caught off guard by an attacking fury who demands that he return Zeus’s lightning bolt.  Percy is confused, as he has no idea what a fury is, why it’s attacking him, and why it thinks he has Zeus’ lightning bolt.  Somehow, Percy’s best friend Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) and his teacher Mr. Brunner (Pierce Brosnan) know what’s going on and they come to Percy’s rescue.   This part was confusing; it wasn’t explained how Grover and Mr. Brunner anticipated the attack. Maybe the books elaborated more on it, but the film lacked the proper exposition to my liking.  It is later revealed that Zeus’s lightning bolt has been stolen, and if it’s not returned by the summer solstice, then there will be a war in Mount Olympus.

It is soon revealed that Percy’s mother, Sally (Catherine Keener) had a relationship with Poseidon, hence, Percy was born.  Sally’s husband, Gabe (Joe Pantoliano) doesn’t get along with Percy, and he’s not very nice to Sally either, but that is explained.  Since it’s not safe for Percy to be in the real world, Grover and Sally take him to a special camp for children of mortals and gods, Camp Half-Blood.  While there, Percy meets Annabeth (Alexandria Daddario), a daughter of Athena, and Luke (Jake Abel), a son of Hermes.  At Camp Half-Blood, I found it rather disbelieving that the second Percy picks up a sword, he is able to wield it like a pro.  He didn’t even visit the weapons master to learn his sword fighting skill!!  This was explained as his “warrior instinct”.  Hmmm, I don’t buy it!!  But I’ll play along.

The characters seamlessly accepted their new roles as demigods with too much ease.  Also, everything we just a little TOO convenient for me.  I didn’t feel as if the characters were in any real peril.  There was always someone/something that “just happened” to be nearby to give them aid.  And mortals (such as Sally) had entirely too much knowledge about things that mortals don’t usually know about, such as the location of Camp Half-Blood, and how to get to Mount Olympus (what, you don’t know that?)  The climactic finale managed to drag a little bit.  Otherwise, the acting was solid, the special effects were fantastic, and the references to Greek gods and goddesses were plentiful.  I liked the mixing of ancient Greek mythology with present-day pop-culture, which oddly didn’t seem forced.  Everything blended nicely.

It must have left a decent mark with me, because I will be taking a field trip to my friendly neighborhood library to borrow the first “Percy Jackson” novel.  Maybe it will fill in some of the background details for me.  Overall, if you enjoy the “Harry Potter” and “Chronicles of Narnia” movies, you will enjoy “Percy Jackson”.

Love hurts… and so does this movie.

The H-Bomb: From Garry Marshall, the edgy, inventive, fiercely independent director of such gritty, avant-garde fair as “Runaway Bride”, “The Princess Diaries”, and “Pretty Woman” comes his most shocking, controversial film to date… “Valentine’s Day”; the riveting story of several diverse characters who cross paths on… Valentine’s Day. (Think “Crash“ revamped as a broad, clichéd, and mostly unfunny romantic comedy, and you basically have this film)

I’ll level with you, I hate chick flicks on general principle, and I hate Valentine’s Day because I’m forced to think about all the good looking guys in the world who are getting laid while I’m not. So, when those two elements are combined, for me it basically results in a gigantic shit sandwich seasoned with vomit sauce.

Director Marshall really doesn’t help matters since it seems that he set out to make the “Magnolia” of romantic comedies. Allow me to just briefly go over the cast of characters with you; we have a male florist who isn’t gay (credibility goes out the window right there); a schoolteacher in love, a cheating doctor, a bitter sports reporter, an aging football star with a secret in his… closet, a publicist throwing an anti-Valentine’s Day party, a fledgling actress who works as a receptionist and moonlights as a phone sex “entertainer,” some underachieving dweeb who thinks that Valentine’s always falls on a Thursday, a couple of horny teenagers, a horny first grader (!), a horny elderly couple (!!!), Taylor Swift playing the most gratuitously gratuitous character in cinematic history, the guy who played Jacob in the “Twilight” movies playing the second most gratuitously gratuitous character in cinematic history, and Queen Latifah playing… Queen Latifah (not literally, but basically).

This film went off the rails for me very early on when Ashton Kutcher (an actor I can’t stand) proposes to Jessica Alba (an actress I can’t stand) and she says “Yes.” The very thought of these two people who annoy the piss out of me getting married and breeding sent my Shitty-Ass-Fuck-Suck tolerance meter through the roof and just put me in a very negative mood from the outset. Sadly, the movie did far too little to improve my mood for the duration.

For the first act of the film, everybody was just breezing around an unnaturally bright and sunny L.A. with big, perky smiles plastered on their faces. Everyone in the flick seemed so Goddamn content and happy with their perfect little lives, giving each other hugs, kisses, and creepy little plastic hearts with feet that walk around when you wind them up, that I started to wonder, “Is there gonna be a movie here? Or is this just a two hour commercial for Valentine’s Day?” Alas, drama starts to unfold in the second act as the characters find out that their perfect little lives aren’t as perfect as they thought they were.

During these moments, characters get all teary eyed while over-bearing music plays on the soundtrack. You know the kind of music that sitcoms play when a rare serious dramatic scene occurs, that kind of music that condescendingly tells you “Okay, this is a sad part, feel sad“… that’s the kind of music I’m talking about here. But, with absolutely no interest in straying from predictable, formulaic convention, Marshall has everything wrap up all nice and tidily and gives everyone a happy ending… the kind that only ever happens in the movies .

Now, I know I sound like some bitter, romantically challenged curmudgeon on a tirade, and I am. However, I would be lying if I said there aren’t some bright spots in this film. I liked George Lopez as a no nonsense flower delivery man, Hector Elizondo brought his A game as a man who still deeply loves his wife after a half century of marriage (despite the fact that he easily has the worst line in the film, “Now that I know the truth, everything else feels like a lie.” Uggghhhh), I can watch Anne Hathaway do just about anything and be somewhat interested (and aroused), Jennifer Garner gives a speech towards the end that is downright hilarious, and there are several amusing moments sprinkled throughout that almost rise to the level of funny.

When all is said and done, however, I just found it dull, ripe with cliché, and at times excruciating to sit through (I really had to resist the urge to throw my soda cup at the screen and shout obscenities at Taylor Swift’s annoying, dumbass, bimbo Barbie doll of a character and her stupid fucking over-sized teddy bear). The whole movie is just so sugary and syrupy that I felt like I needed to brush my teeth after watching it. Worst of all, it goes on for-fucking-ever, mainly because there are so many damn characters! I felt like my least favorite holiday was unfolding before my eyes, in real time… slowly.

Judging from the reaction of the people I saw it with, I may very well be in the minority here, and I’m sure it will make some major bank, but for me, the over-the-top cutesy-cutesy-happy-happy-sweetness of it all made me just want to stab out my eyeballs and puncture my eardrums so I wouldn’t have to endure any more of it. If I want to watch a movie named after a holiday, I’ll take “Halloween” and “A Christmas Story”, thank you very much.

Sound the trumpet!

Swift shot:  Didn’t suck, was fun and I liked the overall premise.  What I could have lived without is seeing an Angel do battle with a machine gun, but, it was a fresh approach on biblical combat. This is the kind of film you just sit back and enjoy, don’t rip it to shreds and you will have a good experience.  If you want to shred it though, it would be easier than the Holy Divinity sending a legion of angels and his archangel, Gabriel (Kevin Durand) to smite an unborn infant – oh, wait, that isn’t so easy, apparently.

Enter Michael, and he isn’t John Travolta, smashing heads with a bull in some field, puffing feathers like some kind of lame twittering bird.  This Michael, Paul Bettany, slams to the Earth and in a dramatic self-flagellation scene, literally rends his wings from his back . . . and stitches them up using a mirror. You get an immediate understanding that God is the bad-guy in this film, so if you have no flexibility in your faith, you might want to check out 10Things I Hate About Christianity, it helps put things in perspective.

I held a contest for free movie passes wherein I asked people to explain why humanity should be spared from God’s wrath, someone suggested www.cuteoverload.com and even Cheeseburgers as reasons for letting us live – I am sure the PETA people would beg to differ, but . . . I digest. (That’s from Family Guy you knuckleheads)

I really enjoy movies about theology, even bad ones can be mildly amusing if handled in a fresh way.  And when you meet the sympathetic character in Legion, Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) doesn’t even have compassion for herself.  Charlie is a pregnant woman who smokes – I mean, she might as well be Hitler!  But, in order to show her transformation, she needs to start somewhere, and really the gutter is as good a place as any, right?

The other characters are quickly under siege by weak-minded people who allow themselves to be possessed by angels – critical aside, apparently everyone in the diner in Paradise Falls is immune somehow, or are they?  There were a lot of poor dialog choices in Legion.  The kind that make you want to to scream at the screen, come on, you can do so much better than that line, especially famous last words.

Still, this film had one gem I enjoyed tremendously.  When Bob (Dennis Quaid) is asked why he keeps carrying around an old zippo lighter now that he doesn’t smoke anymore, he replies, “I’m sentimental, my ex-wife gave it to me, and I want to remember how much I hate her.”  Nicely put!  But moments that could have been downright scary came across as lame, no Lame (with a capital L) – when you see it you will know right away which sequence I am speaking of, I think it was a nod to Chucky, but it just sucked, truly abysmal.

Keep an open mind, have fun with it, don’t be so damned critical and you will enjoy it.  Remember what it was like to just sit back and enjoy a film?  That is what this film was like for me, I just sat back and casually enjoyed it.  It had kind of a Demon Night meets Diner feel to it, but, if you take it for what it is, it ‘aint too shabby.