“Machete don’t text”

Swift shot: You like action?  You like people getting hacked, shot, stabbed and eviscerated?  Yeah?  You do?  Well, cabron – ya gonna love this mojon!  Machete is grindhouse-ethnic exploitation madness at its best, with level headed story-telling and just enough cheese to keep you chuckling throughout.  Some choices were just a little too campy to merit a full five star rating, like the random bionic man foley effects when the head honcho repeatedly draws his katana – still a fun film not afraid to take some risks.

Truth be told, this is one I would normally rent, but I would recommend you shell out some pesos to see it with your vatos at the local drive-in to get the full effect.

Machete starts with brutal violence and ends the same, like you would expect anything less?  This film had what I thought was lacking in The Expendables, an action flop for me, personally.  Machete is raw and ugly, but the action was more believable and grotesque.

The prelude, shot with deliberate film “artifacts” intact (dust, hair, emulsion scratches, with 1970s style) exposes Machete (Danny Trejo) as a vulnerably naive Mexican Federale who is confronted with brutal betrayal.  When the film really starts, after the awesome credits, the artifacts are removed and you are flashed forward three years later.  Machete is now an illegal alien in Texas, struggling just to get a meal.  The long gap never gets accounted for in the film, but the mystery adds to the story.

While Machete is trying to go about his life, he happens to gain the attention of the sinister Booth (Jeff Fahey) who hires him to kill a US Senator, McLaughlin (De Niro).  If he refuses to do the job, Booth will have him killed – naturally.  Jessica Alba holds her own playing the straight-laced ICE agent, Sartana (wasn’t that Zartan’s sister?) who enforces the law with a blind devotion – but faces a challenge of judicial faith when she crosses paths with Machete.

Combined with all of this political assassination intrigue, there exists an illegal organization known as “The Network” that may have something to do with the plot.  The network is headed by a mysterious female leader, known only as “SHE”.  (According to Amadarwin, SHE is a direct homage to CHE – nice catch, slanty).  Lucky for Machete, he attracts the attention of the lovely Luz (Michelle Rodriguez) who runs a taco truck in the city and is rumored to be SHE.

As with all great grindhouse films, hell breaks loose, shit goes wrong and Machete finds out there is more to Booth than initially feared. There are some choice cameos with Cheech Marin, Lindsay Lohan, and even Don Johnson plays a sadistic vigilante, aka “Minuteman” IRL, that relishes his job, murdering illegals to keep his grand-daddy’s land Texas and not Mexico.

While there are overtly, non-subtle points made about the current hot-topic, illegal immigration, throughout director Rodriguez’ film . . . it is extreme farce.  The characters are so vibrantly silly that you can’t help but laugh at most of them, especially Seagal as Torrez, the Mexican heffe that is pulling all the strings.

To all of those of you thinking, I don’t want to waste money just because De Niro is in it, note, his role is more than a mere cameo.  Even little miss fucked-up, Lohan, gets to fill a few cylinders, firing off multiple guns in the grand stand-off climax that is sure to please everyone.  And, yes, she uses stunt boobs during one scene, but she sheds her shyness later on.

This film is designed to be over-the-top insanity, clever dialog and pragmatic characters help drive a lot of the story, and the action is awesome.  The kills in this film will be talked about for quite some time, in fact one kill is foreshadowed quite brilliantly.  I won’t give it away, because it was brilliant – and if you aren’t paying attention, you’ll miss it!

I set my expectations pretty low for this flick, and I gotta say, I was impressed.  Not only was it a visually fun film, the message was contemporary and done tongue in cheek, so even right wing, gun-totin’ loons like me could sit back and laugh a bit.  You will enjoy this film if you take it for what it is.  If you are a film snob who looks at anything mainstream as pure popcorn crap, how miserable are you?  Just enjoy this flick for everything it is – fun, gory, madness!

out of

“I don’t like human beings”

Swift shot: People say “it’s all been done” – well, kudos to Tom Six for coming up with something original.  And, there endeth the praise.  This movie sucked so much, it earned the first  ZERO rating on iRATEfilms.  There was NOTHING redeeming about watching this movie, in fact, you will be ashamed you managed to sit through the whole thing at all.  If I were these actor’s agents, I would move to Yemen and pray for a death by stoning, lest my clients find me and do far worse.

First, I heard about this one from @danieltosh, you can read his whole spoiler of the movie here.  I didn’t listen to his spoiler though, just caught the intro, which, whenever there is controversy, you are sure to find an iRATEfilms writer nearby, so, I took it upon myself to screen this disgraceful film – maybe so you won’t have to.

Tom Six directed this nightmare, adapted from the Greek myth about Procrustes, who would trick passers by to sleep on one of two beds, designed to be either too long or too short.  For the tall, he would lop off the excess, and for the short, he would stretch them out.  Considered a heinous taboo of the time, because you just didn’t betray house guests, it was the lowest of crimes.

Enter the modern, Procrustes – Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), a world-renown orthopedic surgeon, who specializes in successful Siamese twin separations – to him, the ultimate challenge isn’t separation, it’s conjoining.  He is hell bent, no doubt, on creating a three-dog.  But fate offers him an upgrade, when two of the stupidest girls alive, get a flat tire en-route to a nightclub in Germany.

Oh yea, the girls are American, either students or porn stars, that isn’t exactly nailed down in the First Sequence, and, yes, God help us all, there will be a sequel, already being shot.  Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) are tourists in Germany, just looking to let loose and meet up with a friend.  Then, on the way, they get a flat tire.  Being COMPLETELY incompetent, they decide to walk through creepy German woods at night (these are where Faery Tales usually ended up badly) and happen upon an old pervert and then a secluded house.  Since the rain is really coming down, they are desparate, because, shit, they are getting wet – there are FAR worse things than getting wet, remember that if you are ever stranded.

Anyway, they come upon Dr. Heiter’s home, and I use that term very loosely, when they enter his place there is all this REALLY INCREDIBLY CREEPY SHIT ALL AROUND THEM!  But, hey, he is nice looking enough, and they are wet, and he is German, so he can’t possibly be evil (No, the shirt is German, it says “The Bart, The”).  So, being completely void of any sense, they take him up on his offer for some, wait for it, WATER.  Hey, girls, you are soaked with the stuff, and your instinct, that little voice that should be focusing on more than fashion and music, is SCREAMING at you, “Get the Fuck Outta Here!”  So, yea, they drink the water and they spend the rest of the movie subjected to Doctor Nutjob’s surgical whims.

At one point, the doctor ventures out in town and grabs a Japanese guy (Akihiro Kitamura), because, well, why not, I guess?  So, he grabs this Japanese guy and, as the title implies, he joins all three together.  The movie is disgusting in the logistics of the joining, and where the special effects SHOULD have been redeeming, they cheesed out and used cloth material to cover the cool surgery.  So, like I said, there was NO redeeming value, the acting was crap, the German doctor was piss-poor as a villain, even the German cops who come to the “rescue” are inept buffoons.

Oh, and that quote above the dear ol’ doctor’s picture – he says that BEFORE they drink the water he offers them.  Need I say anymore about this film?  For a film to really be good, it has to be at least SOMEWHAT believable.  This was shit in and shit out – the only reason to see this film is to say, “Yea, I watched that, it was complete crap!”  I’ll give it that the suspense was decent, but again, it was so unbelievably delivered that it came across as silly, at best.

Swift shot: Mediocre scares, shocks more than anything else.  Confusing plot, confusing logic behind the overall moral of the story.  Acting was decent though, and the special effects were passable, but nothing really got to me.  In fact, I took two nights to screen this, because I fell asleep the first night, and I had zero nightmares.  Save this one for when you are desperate for a minor fright or two.

The plot takes a long time to get there, and the timing is so out of whack you never do figure out how long ago most of the events take place.  The director, Yam Laranas and his army of writers assume too much, typically a bad idea with American audiences.  You can follow along, but you really only find yourself following the story to make sure it ends how you think it will.  I can say, I honestly wasn’t surprised by much in this film.

Bobby (Jesse Bradford) was recently released from prison for man-slaughter, after he killed another guy in a bar, while the low life piece of filth was trying to rape Bobby’s girlfriend.  Of course, I would have given Bobby a medal, but, no, he had to go to prison, and when he gets out, he has nowhere to go except his, now deceased (and possibly mentally deranged) mother’s apartment, Room 519.  The first night he is there, Bobby starts to hear voices from the other room, 517.  Seems the man in 517, a cop, doesn’t play well with his family, and Bobby tries to ignore the voices coming from the crack in the wall.

As the film takes off, we meet Bobby’s new boss, Hector (Carlos Leon) and his ex girlfriend, the one he saved, Alyssa (Amelia Warner).  They are both eager to help Bobby adjust back to the civilized world, but Bobby is starting to think the noises and strange encounters with the folks in 517 might have had something to do with his mother’s early departure.  Other tenants seem to be concerned about 517 as well, but in the end, it is Bobby’s cross to bear, yet again, as he confronts the evil head on where others fear to tread.

There isn’t much that really stands out with “The Echo”, it is decent, it can hold its own, but just barely.  The characters are interesting, but where they could have made better choices I think, was in the overall buildup of the final confrontation with room 517.  Granted, the final conflict was brutal enough, however unbelievable, to warrant the 3,000 RPMs on the Thrillometer.  Don’t rent this one, wait til it is on SciFi, or SyFy, or whatever the hell they call it this week!  Save some dollars and thank me for saving you some, that’s what I am here for.

Explore all the links to experience, Assistant Editor David Limacher’s wild trip to Wizard World Comic-Con 2010, in Chicago!

Click on Hunter S. H-Man, if you dare!

“Suck it up, piss pants!”

Swift shot: Every once in awhile I will find a straight to DVD flick that I have never heard about that really should have been in theaters. This flick didn’t even make my radar when it released in 2006, but damn it was good. The acting in this was amazing, considering it starred virtual unknowns, these artists really committed to their characters.  The special effects were creepy and authentic, scoring was perfect and helped set the tone immediately and was effective to keep that heightened anxiety throughout the film.

At any rate, I read the brief Netflix synopsis and was immediately intrigued:  “Five high school buddies are abducted by aliens from a farm in Florida — but only four of them survive. Fifteen years later, the friends — whose lives have been altered ever since — return to the farm to face their enemy and seek revenge.”  That is true, but what they don’t tell you is that the film takes place fifteen years later, you never see scene one, not in a flashback or anything, with the actual encounter fifteen years prior.  In this way, it reminded me a lot of Resevoir Dogs, the actors were speaking to a crucial event that never makes it on screen.

They did a tremendous job making that event real, and kudos to the casting director, I genuinely felt for these characters, even the one you are supposed to detest, sorta – a mark of great directing too.  In my research tonight, I see Eduardo Sanchez directed “The Blair Witch Project”.  He always seems to get that from his actors, it’s like the lines of fantasy and truth are gone, and they become their characters, mind, body and soul.  If you come out of the movie caring about these characters or loathing them, the film-makers did their jobs.  Great job to all involved, special “skins off” to Cody, err, Paul McCarthy-Boyington who really gave 100%.

“Altered” shows diverging opinions on dealing with the pesky anal probes and abductions by our little green friends.  And, did I mention there were harpoons?  Yessiree – last harpoon I saw in a decent film was being fired by Axl Rose in The Deadpool!  It was like someone was sitting around the Universal Studios lot in Mouse-town and said, hey, we got this harpoon lying around here, can we use this thing?  Let’s not just use it, lets use the fuck out of it!

The film reaches several tense crescendos where you are like, Holy Shit, I can’t believe this is happening!  Screenwriter Jamie Nash added some gut-wrenching pain to the dialogue, and I still can’t get that scene out of my head.  Effective!

You have four friends who try to get revenge on one alien, but the more, shall we say, in tune leader of the proverbial pack, Wyatt (Adam Kaufman) keeps urging cooler heads to prevail.  It isn’t because he has pity or empathy for the alien being tortured, it’s because he fears the complete extermination of the human race if they kill the alien.  Typically, I side against the pacifists in these types of films, the apologists or mamby pambys who keep pleading with the “psycho” character to not kill the alien.  By the end of this film, if you still want to let the alien live, or you give a rat’s ass about it’s “pain” please don’t visit my site – you are too soft to read any of these reviews, especially H-Man’s!  In case you are wondering, I sided with the female lead, Hope, played by Catherine Mangan, whose character, like me, is a pragmatist.

Overall, this is a great gore flick with excellent characters, believable situations and enough tension to keep you on the edge of your lazy-boy.  And, to anyone who suffers from alien abduction phobia, this film may have two effects, one, it will scare the living shit out of you and make your fear MUCH worse, or two, it will serve to dampen your fear, because it is a little too extreme.  Arachnophobia helped me deal with an irrational fear of all spiders.  But, living in Florida, spiders can be lethal, and they are everywhere, can’t say the same about “greens”.

Unlike the “Signs” aliens who, one: invaded a planet that is 75% water, which is a deadly toxin to them, and two: can’t break down a basement door – yet have mastered interstellar travel.  The “altered” aliens (Foki) may look a little similar to the Signs brood, but the Foki aliens of “Altered” are just mean and vicious bastages, let me reiterate VICIOUS!

You heard it from me, you are gonna enjoy this film, rent it or buy it tonight!  Watch it with someone you enjoy watching squirm! I’ve been walking around all day telling my friends about this one, so it definitely left a mark.  In fact, one scene will be with me forever, I can’t get it out of my head – brutally effective film!  Incidentally, this is my 100th review, I hope I don’t make the Foki’s radar!

David Limacher was at the 2010 Wizard World Comic Convention in Chicago this past weekend, and screened the EXCLUSIVE five minute clip of the upcoming suspense-thriller “Devil” in theaters September 17. The clip also included a brief Q & A with Director Drew Dowdle and his borther and Producer of the film, Drew Dowdle. The teaser clip was careful not to divulge anything important, and David had the chance to personally interview the Dowdle Brothers and got answers to some questions about their backgrounds and answers to questions that will make you want to see their new film even more.

David Limacher: I just wanted to thank you both for taking the time to sit down and answer some questions for the readers of iRATEfilms.com today.

John Dowdle: You’re welcome.

Drew Dowdle: Pleasure is all ours to talk to you.

DL: So we’re going to talk about the movie you recently completed “Devil” here, but first I wanted some background information on you both. I heard in the session that you’re from the same home town as the Coen Brothers, are they mentors of yours to become filmmakers?

JD: Actually, the Coen Brothers are from Minneapolis and we’re from St. Paul, but it’s the Twin Cities and we just kept the answer short.

DD: I like that you asked this question, because I feel that we’re going to get a lot of this coming our way. The truth is we do enjoy the work of the Coen Brothers, but when we were growing up we had different interests. It just so happens that after college and such we both found we could help each other more working together, rather than separately. We didn’t exactly plan on our lives taking this direction, but I believe I can say for both of us, we are glad it did!

(more…)

“When you need her and do not want her, she must stay. When you want her and do not need her, she must go.”

***Click here for more stills and behind the scenes stuff***

“What you need is Nanny McPhee”, little “c” big “P”.  Emma Thompson brings you another installment to the McPhee franchise. The second adventure of the pretty much super nanny tells of a poor woman named Isabel  Green (Maggie Gyllenhal) who half-owns a farm with Uncle Phil (Rhys Ifans). From the intro scene you can pretty much assume that Isabel and her three children Megsie, Vincent, and Norman are broke as shit.  The farm is pretty much in ruins and Uncle Bill is just AMPED to sell this farm off.

They couldn’t afford to keep their tractor and therefore, can’t harvest the barley. Mr. Green, Isabel’s husband, is far away “at the war” and constantly writes his wife. The film doesn’t give on how long he has been gone but it was apparent that it has been quite a while. The house is all a mess…aged. Isabel can’t handle the kids alone, and the Uncle is completely and wholly set on getting this farm sold fast. You see, his life is literally on the line. The appearance of Miss Topsey and Miss Turvey (Sinead Matthews and Katy Brand respectively) reveals that the bastard may have gambled the farm away in some weird Casino! Hmph, if only he had Isabel’s consent to make the sale that would spare him.

To make matters worse, Isabel’s sister send her own two children to the farm…the cousins. Of course they are spoiled, rich, snobby, hilarious brats but they really do, surprisingly, grow on you…almost stealing the movie away from the “main kids.” From here, the plot develops to the point where “(Maggie) needs Nanny McPhee.”

Now we meet the hella ugly, Nanny McPhee and see what she is all about. (Note Emma Thompson is Prof. Trelawney from Harry Potter and Maggie Smith plays Prof. McGonagall!)
The acting was, woot woot, on point.

I have to admit, I was hesitant to watch something that looked like Mary Poppins WITHOUT singing. However, the children that were casted completely stole the show. Cyril is my personal favorite of the entire cast with his obnoxious retorts and complaints of his situation. His display of sarcasm and arrogance light the screen up and come, like a surprise ninja kick every time. No one was unbelievable and the whole film held a consistent “Nanny McPhee” aura, making it stand out from your usual kids films.

The move itself was shocking. Mostly because I found myself wanting to keep watching it, then, wanting it to be longer. The plot flowed very smoothly and there was no sign of foolishness anywhere. No unneeded extra characters or idiotic plot twists, or unexplainable “conveniences” here!  You can always tell when a movie’s engine has stopped running , followed by a swift kick in the ass to force-start it.

Eyegasm. The special effects were pretty much perfect and never seen before. There was not anything epic or spectacular done, but the effects added so much life and personally not only to the movie, but to Nanny McPhee. This movie has a life of its own and I didn’t even have the awkward looming feeling of enjoying a movie for kids.  It was geared towards children but presented adult problems like divorce, love, jealousy, and good morals. Everything was so clever and wrapped up so well.

I love it when a movie gives me closure. Speaking of closure, prepare yourself for a very unexpected ending (I am not sure how, just do it) that turns out to be rather suspenseful. The person next to me jumped to the edge of his chair and clutched the arm holders with anxiety! I hope you guys do enjoy it as much as I do, and as much as you want to hear more from me, I must go. *Thunk*

***Need more pix of these badasses? Click here***

Limacher Low Down:  The Expendables is just a throw back to the Action Genre of the 80′s and 90′s where violence was utilized just for the sake of violence. The movie has a cast of THOUSANDS, well not really, but action stars galore light up the screen. The viewer definitely gets their bang for the buck in this one, and you won’t leave saying “I thought there would be more explosions and violence and shit!”

The Expendables is a group of guys who are hired to do mercenary work for those who can afford to pay for their services. The movie opens showcasing what the group, led by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), does best, “Peace Negotiations”.  The audience quickly learns there is a friendly rivalry of who can do the most damage between Ross and Lee Christmas (Jason Statham). Everything is fun and games, literally, as the team members try to out-kill and out-destroy each other.  But one guy, a “rogue” Expendable doesn’t always follow Ross’ orders, enter Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren) who by taking action into his own hands gets into a spat with Ying Yang (Jet Li). Ross puts an end to the situation and alerts everyone that this behavior is not tolerated in the group.

Turns out Ross gets his mission intel from his tattoo artist, Tool (Mickey Rourke) who was once an Expendable himself.  Tool lets Ross know about a dangerous mission, and Ross and Christmas do some recon work.  They soon discover there is a former CIA Agent, James Munroe (Eric Roberts), who has bought his way into the small island for his own personal use – manipulating a local general to brutally control the local populace. General Garza (David Zayas) loves only two  things, money and his family, the rest are, well, expendable!

The recon work leads Ross and Christmas to initally shy away from the mission, hard to spend money when you are dead!  But, their contact, Sandra (Giselle Itie) gets into Ross’ head.
This part is the real drama of the movie – Ross decides to go it alone because it was time to live or die.  The others decide it is all in their best interest to join the mission as well, and not miss out on the fun. This is where the movie takes off and the audience knows that the shit is FINALLY going to hit the fan!

The mission itself is worth the price of admission. The explosions, the gunfire, the blood just take over the screen and the fun has truly begun. The action more than makes up for the acting, which is good cause the acting wasn’t that great. The cameos are given away in the previews, but the lines that are shot between the 3 are hilarious. There is some comedy in the movie, although some of it wasn’t supposed to be funny. I say if you miss action movies that just explode the screen with high body counts and explosions then RUN to see the Expendables!