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A mindless bromantic comedy

Look, it’s Kirk’s Nemesis? – A Swift Thought

Girls, you may want to avoid this one, as This Means War wasn’t made for you. Not entirely. The first clue is the opening scene where we meet our intrepid heroes Tuck (Tom Hardy) and FDR (Chris Pine) at the tail end of their covert operation. Unfortunately, they forget to put the ‘c’ in ‘covert’ and the ensuing chaos has them end up riding the pine in the Los Angeles branch of the CIA offices until further notice, where boredom reigns supreme. FDR, a known lady-killer, and Tuck, a divorcee, are best friends as well as partners, so when Tuck decides to hit the dating scene again, FDR offers to gladly be his wing man. However, the closest Tuck will allow is a quick phone call to let FDR know if he needs an extraction or not.

What follows is a little perplexing. Maybe I’m so far gone from the dating scene that what transpired seemed odd and in reality is perfectly normal, or maybe the writers had no concept of a first date at all. Enter Lauren Scott (Reese Witherspoon), a product tester/blogger with a firm grasp of her professional life and no grasp of her romantic one. Against her will, her confidante and best friend, Trish (Chelsea Handler) signs her up for a dating site that pairs her with Tuck, resulting in a 5-10 minute first date that to me seemed more like a meeting. Although the attraction is instant and the pair enjoys each other’s company, Lauren tears herself away so that she could…rent a video to watch alone? Never mind we’re to believe that in 2012 there’s still a ginormous video store conveniently located near the ‘meeting’ site, but we’re also to believe that she’d rather watch a movie by her lonesome than possibly catch a bite to eat with a man she finds incredibly attractive despite his gigantic protruding tooth? Of course we are.

Movie serendipity, also known as “convenient writing,” steps in so that Lauren can meet bachelor number two. At where else? The movie rental place. Despite calling the player on his game and putting up the Great Wall of China, Lauren finds herself accidentally pitting the two friends together by dating them both. In the face of a gentleman’s agreement on the best man winning, all hell breaks loose as both CIA agents use every government-funded resource at their disposal to spy on Lauren, and one another, to ensure neither get the upper hand.

Once you get into the shenanigans, you can ignore the contrived plot devices and shut off your brain as the action picks up. Director McG (sounds more like a DJ by the way) may try to convince the ladies that this is a standard romantic comedy, but I’m here to tell you that is completely false. It sails more on the bromantic comedy side of things as we quickly come to realize that the story is about two friends who put their friendship to the ultimate test only to find out that they truly belong together…In a non-gay way, of course.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

It becomes clearer that this is more bromantic at the climax, where – shocker! – Lauren learns of the two’s friendship, but instead of the typical rom-com trappings where we have to endure 10 minutes of sadness, pining, and profuse apologies followed by a heartfelt wowing speech that had us at ‘Hello,’ we’re met with explosions and stunt work . . . not that there is anything wrong with that!

As vapid as this movie was, I enjoyed it for the popcorn-flick it turned out to be. So guys, if you want to avoid another romantic comedy with your gals, take them to This Means War . . . and enjoy pulling the wool over their eyes.

(2 People gave this 4.50 out of 5)

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Growing up a bonafide comic geek, my circle of friends would occasionally pose the question: What powers would you want to have? It was always a gas to hear the reasoning behind the power choices. One of my favorites discussed was the power to manipulate time…usually for criminal and perverted acts. My choices were varied at first, from super strength, to invisibility, and finally settling on Telekinesis. It was the one power that seemed limitless. You want to lift a car? Done. You want to fly? Done. You want to stay dry in the rain? Done. I could go on, but I’ll assume you get the picture. When tasked to see Chronicle, of course I jumped at the opportunity.

Until I realized it was a ‘found footage’ film, which meant shaky camera shots, poor composition, and weird angles that may or may not get the scene. So, yeah, I’m not a big fan.

I found myself pleasantly surprised, however, when watching Chronicle. Sure, there was every aspect that I hated about ‘found footage films’ present front and center; however, I think it was handled fairly well, and thankfully only a fairly short amount of time was spent on the hand held aspect of the cam. Once the boys get their powers, the shots get smoother, as one of them uses their Telekinetic ability to keep the cam afloat. Ingenious.

The other issue I had was that the plot might have been taken from a 2002 film called The Surge (or The Source, depending on where you’re from.) That movie was about a group of friends that stumble onto a rock in the forest that imbues them with powers – not at all dissimilar from Chronicle. Thankfully, that’s about all they share as the stories they tell branch off sharply from there.

As the boys fine tune their powers, all kinds of shenanigans ensue. Unfortunately, for those of us that previously had watched the trailers online and on TV, there won’t be many surprises coming that way. The hilarity doesn’t last long; however, as Andrew (Dane DeHaan, who incidentally, looks strikingly like he could be Leonardo DiCaprio’s brother) allows his home life and school life to affect his increasingly reckless behavior, boiling to the inevitable pulse pounding showdown between friends.

Chronicle does a passable job in creating a sympathetic villain in Andrew. He’s bullied at school, his father is abusive, his mother is terminally ill, and he barely has any friends. The pieces were in place, but the execution seemed lacking, as the only sympathy I could muster for him was superficial at best. His relationship with his mom was never solidified, or portrayed deep enough for you to see how he felt about her. There were glimpses, but nothing that convinced me his descent into madness was believable. Likewise with the abusive father. I got the impression the abuse was only recent, as his father was unable to cope with his wife’s ailment and recent job loss, but the resentment Andrew shows would indicate a longer stint as a punching bag than I’d imagined.

Those few hiccups aside, I enjoyed Chronicle. The story was good, and the way they altered camera shots to piece together the story kept it interesting. The special effects delivered most of the time, though there were a few noticeable missteps. And the acting was well done, considering how difficult it is to act like you’re not acting. All the boys handled that task well.

If you were on the fence about seeing Chronicle, hop off it now and go see it. You could do worse at the theater.

(3 People gave this 3.00 out of 5)

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Stop touching your face!

How many times does the average person touch their face? Check it out, here: Wiki Answers & ChaCha.Com (yes, only two places…I’m lazy) the consensus agrees that the average person touches their face three to five times every waking minute. So that means on the high side, subtracting eight hours for sleep, the average person is touching their face a whopping four thousand, eight hundred times a day! Think about it…how many times have you touched your face today? What did you touch prior to that? Money? A doorknob? Toilet lid? Lightswitch? A pen? Your keys? Someone else? You get the picture – germs get transmitted easily through your touch. If you want a better picture, check out the Mythbuster’s episodes where they test the dirtiest items in a home.

Contagion predicates itself on this consensus, opening our story on day two of the outbreak with our first known victim, Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow), who just returned from Hong Kong on a business trip. Her husband, Mitch Emhoff (Matt Damon) and son Clark (Griffin Kane) are both exposed but we soon find out that Mitch is immune. The story branches from there involving the CDC, most prominantly Dr. Ellis Cheever (Laurence Fishburne), Dr. Erin Mears (Kate Winslet) and Dr. Ally Hextall (Jennifer Ehle). Rattling the CDC and the government cages, is blogger/writer and rabble rouser Alan Krumwiede who is dead set to blow his percieved government conspiracy wide open while making moves to cash in on the ground floor with a publicized cure. There are some other branches of story I won’t even touch, because in the end, it was all pointless.

I sat there feeling like I was watching a movie for the entire one hundred five minute run-time. For me, that’s a bad thing. I like to watch movies to be engaged, to be sucked in almost as if I were part of the story rather than a spectator. Sure, there was drama, and there was some suspense, but anything not directly pertaining to the impending epidemic at hand was just trite bullshit fluff that left me comfortably nowhere near the edge of my seat. For me, Contagion falls flat on its ass in that regard, just like the Oscar-winning Traffic did, which is no surprise as director Steven Soderbergh managed to lay a golden turd with that one. No doubt, his bowels are moving for a repeat.

Diatribe aside, there are a few bright spots of Contagion. The opening infection path montage was nicely done, and Matt Damon takes a hearty step into his non-Bourne Identity and plays the limited role of Mitch Emhoff very well. Another notable, though not on purpose, is Enrico Colantioni who plays Dennis French, a bureaucratic agent of some sort. He was notable in that I could not separate him from one of his previous roles – that of Mathesar (Galaxy Quest).

Every time he came onscreen I kept picturing him saying, “You must save us,” with that flaccid humor inducing smile to whichever person he was addressing. Jude Law is also convincing with his portrayal of a typical dirt digging conspiracy theorist/reporter that provides one of my favorite lines in the movie, ringing the death nell of print media.

In the end, while it was a good attempt, the multiple threaded storyline detracts what could have been a solid movie. Sadly, I think there will be some Oscar nods for this fluff, but the only thing Contagion can really be applauded for is its feast on people’s paranoia. Purell’s bottom line will make some executives happy in the next few months, I’m sure.

(1 People gave this 1.00 out of 5)
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Even our writers can’t agree on this one . . .

We had completely different opinions on this one; H-Man hated it, and Amadarwin thought it was a good complement to Besson’s other work. Click on each image above for the reviews, then rate the film above and post your comments here.

(4 People gave this 2.50 out of 5)

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Wow, I was still in high school when that tag line was used by Domino’s Pizza. Random fact: The campaign was discontinued in 1993 due to the number of lawsuits rampant thanks to their careless drivers. Okay, history lesson is over. Well, maybe not. It appears that 30 Minutes or Less’s plot liberally borrows from a real event that happened in 2003, involving a pizza delivery man by the name of Brian Wells. Go ahead, look it up. It’s an interesting read, and for the non-squeamish, there’s video. Unlike real life, however, the film version doesn’t end quite the same, but is just as fantastic a spectacle.

In the opening sequence we are reminded why 30 minutes or less was a failed campaign for the pizza industry as we witness Nick (Jesse Eisenberg) breaking almost every known traffic law in order to deliver the goods on time. We soon learn that no matter how fast or how crazy he drives, punctuality continually eludes him. Outwitting a couple of ignorant kids and giving him a love interest is supposed to endear him to the audience, but I don’t think it worked. Nick comes off as a smarmy, fast talking (or should I say “fast mumbling”) self loathing jerk, who’s best line is a dig at his last movie — actually, his last non-animated movie. I have always said that Eisenberg is not leading man material. Much like Zombieland, which I enjoyed immensely, it’s the co-stars that make the movie. Eisenberg’s lack of onscreen charisma continues to be his downfall as Nick’s best friend Chet (Aziz Ansari) steals each scene they are in, which says a lot, because I wasn’t too impressed with Ansari’s acting chops either.

Danny McBride channels Kenny Powers as Dwayne, jealous son of Remo Williams…I mean The Major, played by Fred Ward. Envious of his father’s riches, Dwayne, who sleeps ’til noon because he has big dreams, hatches a plan to rid him of the old man and inherit his money. He enlists the aid of his right hand man and best friend, Travis (Nick Swardson), who turns out to be an excellent lackey. McBride, Swardson, Ansari and Michael Pena, who plays a rough and tough lisping hit man, all had funny scenes which completely overshadows Eisenberg, who ends up just being a plot device to tie the story together.  [You can check out our interview with Pena for a slightly different role, here]

In the end, I didn’t care if Nick lived or not. “30 Minutes or Less” was enjoyable in spite of him. If there’s nothing better on at the movies this weekend, go and see this. You’ll laugh, but it won’t be the best comedy you’ve seen this year, I’d wager.

(6 People gave this 3.83 out of 5)

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Hail, Caesar?

It isn’t often a preview grabs me to where I’m jotting a movie down on my imaginary Must See list, but as the preview for this film unraveled, it gripped me in its maw like an unrelenting chimpanzee intent on a feast, forcing me to savor every last second. The concept of highly sentient animals or creatures vs. man is always fascinating to me (and no, Narnia doesn’t count), so it was no surprise that I was immediately hooked. At the end of the preview, where they usually slam the title in your face after a cascade of millisecond cut scenes, I was completely floored that this would be part of the Planet of the Apes mythos. My burning need to see this film was now a bonafide bonfire. Could it be that we are finally going to know what caused the downfall of man, and what would lead to arguably the most potent twist of an ending in all of moviedom?

This simian symphony starts off slow, as we get to know how and why Caesar came to be, but it never loses the viewer as it rumbles to a chest thumping crescendo. Dr. Will Rodman (James Franco) spends his life hot on the heels of a miracle cure that will help his father, Charles (John Lithgow) recover from a debilitating illness. At the cusp of a breakthrough, an unfortunate mishap cuts his funding and all the test subjects have to be eliminated. Well, all but one. Caesar, an infant who’s mother passed down Rodman’s science via her genetics, is a tiny chimpanzee, who’s death would be too heavy a burden for anyone to bear, so Rodman is forced to quietly take him home. Most of the movie is spent watching Rodman continue his research in the privacy of his home. He is relentless in his pursuit to cure his father and simultaneously amazed at Caeser’s remarkable intelligence and growth.

Some may find the pacing a bit on the slow side, but I felt it worked. The apes themselves were fantastically done. If I’m not mistaken, they were all cgi, and pretty lifelike. The animators did their research perfectly – I hadn’t felt any single ape was ‘wrong.’That could be due to Andy Serkis, who was the basis of the motion capture for Caeser. I imagine it wasn’t too big a step in transitioning from Gollum.

Overall, I really enjoyed the movie. It ties almost seamlessly into the 1968 classic. I was a little disappointed to find out that the “rise” in the title wasn’t an allusion to the apes taking man head on. Instead, man is neatly disposed of by irony. In Rodman’s effort to save his father and, in turn, the rest of mankind, he is instead the catalyst in man’s destruction. For Harry Potter fans, I think they’ll enjoy Draco Malfoy’s unhappy transition into the Muggle world.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes just claimed a spot on my imaginary Must Own list. See it in theaters while you can.

***click image above for behind the scenes stuff and more***

“Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed.” It’s been nine years since Smash Mouth heralded the arrival of the irreverent Shrek, voiced by Mike Meyers (not to be confused with the lovable white-masked, axe-wielding fright from the Halloween series of films). What made the first Shrek great to me was that it was more adult oriented, but easily shared with the younger crowd. Unfortunately, this magic gets lost with each successive sequel, as the stories and characters get watered down slightly almost in an effort to pander to the youngins better. By the time Shrek 3 came out, I had lost interest in the characters and the world they lived in, but was happy my kids could continue to enjoy them nonetheless.

Shrek Forever After takes place about 1 year (I’m assuming) from the birth of his children. Fatherhood wasn’t agreeing with him; no one fears the Ogre any longer; his once solitary lifestyle is now flooded with friends; and to top it off he has to put up with them all at his children’s birthday party. The happiness and good feelings are nigh unbearable. He sorely misses his former life…a life without chaos–alone and happy in his swamp. Enter Rumpelstiltskin (Walt Dohrn), a crazed midget with a penchant for too good to be true contracts and a lust for the kingdom of Far, Far Away…and wigs. After some commiseration and a few eyeball martinis, Shrek decides it’s a good idea to do business with Rumpy, and signs a contract to exchange one day of his life for one where he can be a mean, feared Ogre once again. Little did he know Rumpelstiltskin was about to take the most important day of his life…

In be-careful-what-you-wish-for fashion, Shrek realizes that while he gets exactly what he wanted, life isn’t exactly normal. Shortly, he finds himself in a race against time to set things right again by recreating “true love’s kiss”-–a  far more challenging prospect with an embittered, battle hardened Fiona (Cameron Diaz).

Shrek 4 was a little darker in story than the last two and reminded me in parts of what I liked about the first one. Unfortunately, the story felt rushed, and even at 93 minutes, I didn’t think they gave the story a chance to breathe. The story itself was not very complicated, and the familiar cast of characters didn’t bring much of anything new in terms of “funny” to the table. I really liked Rumpelstiltskin, but pampered Puss in Boots was my favorite this go round. So grab your kids and go to the next 3D showing, and watch them get immersed.

***click the image above for more pictures on our fan page***

If Iron Man 2′s AC/DC injected soundtrack is any indication, one could expect their socks to be effectively rocked off on May 7th. Jon Favreau reprises his dual roles as director and affable chauffeur, Harold “Happy” Hogan, bringing with him almost the entire main cast from the first film, keeping hopes up that this sequel will stand up to the first incarnation of our favorite red and gold tin man.

I don’t think it disappoints . . .

Right off the bat, Iron Man 2 gets the story going the minute the previews are over, barely giving you a chance to settle in to enjoy the title sequence. The opening montage both introduces you to our (almost) sympathetic villain, Whiplash, a.k.a. Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) and shows what has transpired since Iron Man’s big reveal in the first film. Who said the cold war was over? Vanko, armed with a family grudge and a little elbow grease, is able to modify the plans of Tony Stark’s chest piece to suit his own diabolical needs, leading to my favorite scene in the movie – the carnage at Monaco.

The opening scene after the montage gave me 2 pauses. In this scene, the United States wanted to get Tony Stark (Robert Downey JR.) to turn over the Iron Man “weapon” to be utilized by the military. The first pause came when we’re introduced to James “Rhodey” Rhodes (Don Cheadle). The first thing I noticed was that he got a tan and lost some weight since the last movie. Somehow he shrunk a little as well. The second pause came when I recognized Garry Shandling as the lead senator. The reason it took me a second to realize it was actually Shandling was because whoever administered the botox was a little over zealous. I don’t think there was a spot that missed on his face. It was almost as if someone whacked it with a wooden plank before each scene. How he was able to move that mouth to form words was beyond me.

All kidding aside, Cheadle did very well reprising the role set forth by Terence Howard. In fact, I didn’t even notice Howard was missing. Shandling, on the other hand. Dude…get some ice on that thing.

Iron Man 2 succeeded where Spiderman 3 failed. It was able to weave multiple villains into a relatively simple story without killing it. First villain, the palladium in the chest piece, was killing Stark slowly by making his blood toxic. Second villain, Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), a sleazy used car salesman type of guy and former competitor to Stark Enterprises, is dying to get his hands on Stark tech to win back the favor of the military. And the third villain, Vanko, who peaked early and fizzled as he played computer nerd for the last half of the movie. You could probably add Tony Stark to that list, since his daddy issues and reckless/eccentric behavior always drives his handlers crazy. All these were masterfully intertwined to make a solid, if not fantastic, story. Sony should take notes.

Now, after all that, I have to say, there are some places that left me a little flat. Rourke’s portrayal of Vanko was pretty well done. I’m no language expert, but I think his Russian accent was spot on. Unfortunately, Vanko was too calm for me. For someone with such a deep rooted hatred for all that is Stark, the final fight scene with Whiplash was very emotionless on Rourke’s part. Leading up to that, the action was done pretty well and the CGI was great, but I never really felt Iron Man was in mortal danger. Even Michael Knight had to get out of K.I.T.T. every once in awhile to keep up the drama.

And what kind of review would this be without a little nod to the red-headed bombshell that is Natalia Romanov a.k.a. Natalie Rushman a.k.a The Black Widow (Scarlett Johannson)? At first, I questioned the reason for this operative to even be in this film, but it was revealed in due time. In the meantime, guys can get some new visuals to play out their office fantasies. Johannson doesn’t really have to do much to get attention on the screen, but Black Widow’s high-octane fight scene reminded me of Hit Girl from Kick-Ass fame (go see it) – just a little older.

Her action was just as fast, just as awesome, if a little too short in duration and quantity also lacking on the musical accompaniment side. I bet Widow gets her own spin-off.

Iron Man 2 satisfied my action needs. It had humor, a little sexual tension, tons of explosions, nasty robot on robot action and an eye pleasing Black Widow performance. The only thing missing was ample unshackled boobage. Maybe Favreau will think about it in the next installment.

And if you like to wait ten minutes to see a two minute clip, you may want to stay after the credits. It was showered with thunderous applause from the audience I was with. For those with the quick eyes, I defy you to pick out Stan Lee’s cameo. It’s there, trust me. Excelsior!

Two business partners and lifelong best friends, Dan (Robin Williams) & Charlie (John Travolta), are in the middle of the biggest business deal of their lives. When Dan finds out he’s the father of seven year old fraternal twins (Ella Bleu Travolta & Conner Rayburn) – conceived during an eventful week after his divorce that included lots of booze and a one day marriage – he impulsively takes responsibility for them after finding out their mother, Vicki (Kelly Preston), has to serve a two week stint in jail.

After seeing previews of Old Dogs, I felt it had a “Wild Hogs”-like feel, which was why it didn’t surprise me to see Walt Becker’s name attached to the directing credits of this one. Hell, Travolta basically played his same regurgitated character from Hogs in Old Dogs with the only difference being Charlie didn’t have the money problems that Woody (in Hogs) did. It didn’t detract from the homogenized comedy he and Williams brought.

The children were just barely more than props. They were just a plot device to set the stage for Williams and Travolta to showcase their comedic chops. Ella Bleu Travolta couldn’t have had an easier lay-up for her first movie. Not only were both her parents there for support and advice, the role she lined up was as easy as they come…she could have played Jack Black’s character in Tropic Thunder for the amount of impact she and her male cohort had in this film. As far as movie children go, these two were the best behaved kids in the world. The Department of Child Induced Mischief was apparently closed for this shooting.

The opening sequence was done very cleverly in my opinion. I can’t think of a movie that did it similarly or with the same seamless effect of not having to use a caption or blurb to marry a seven year gap to the present. The supporting characters were great in Old Dogs, specifically Justin Long as the crazed camp counselor with a vendetta against Charlie. I think I’m starting to love Long’s bit characters more and more when I see ‘em. The camping sequence was probably my favorite, though Old Dogs has plenty of laughs throughout. And the special effects team apparently just learned how to use Photoshop, going to the well with the warp and smudge tools one too many times for my taste.

The Slanted View: I made the mistake of looking forward to Ella Bleu’s performance, not that I expected a whole lot from her, or even Old Dogs for that matter. It was disappointing to find that a story about a father and his seven year old children he just met centered more around him and his friend instead. While it didn’t stop the laughs from coming, it did bother me that the writers were afraid to explore the relationship the premise was set on. If you want to watch a kids flick, check out Planet 51. If you want to see a buddy movie, check out Hear No Evil, See No Evil. Watch this one on TBS in a year when you’re bored.