Better wait for year two

Storyline

An ‘enchanted’ story about two hunter, gatherer’s attempts to rescue the women they love, during the year 1 A.D . . .  *insert loud power heave here.

The Cast

Jack Black.  Michael Cera.  Oliver Platt. David Cross.  Hank Azaria.  Bill Hader . . . the list goes on and on.  Okay, Jack Black—you either love him or hate him, right?  Michael Cera—the same.  Oliver Platt: who can hate Oliver Platt?  I mean, c’mon people.  He’s practically a substitute God when one’s on vacation or goes in for surgery.  And Bill Hader? Why hasn’t a statue been erected of him at our nation’s capitol or a new designer narcotic named after him to be passed out at Floyd concerts?  “Dude, pass the Hader, man!  Right-right.  Sorry… It’s just once you hit the Hader, nothing else matters. I know what you mean, bro.  I know what you mean…”  Anyhoo, back to reality since my Hader just wore off . . . the cast just didn’t have any dialogue to work with.  They did what they could, but this should have been seen a mile away before shooting.  

The Good, Bad and Indifferent

Again, it’s like going to a reunion: you see all your old buds.  You stay in good cheer waiting to see or hear something to really catch your attention, but it never happens.  You leave knowing, “hey, at least I saw Jack Black and didn’t get suckered into seeing, “Jackasses of Christmas Past” …or something like that, but you just blew some hard earned cash that could of scored you that new kittens floating in bubbles screen saver or three-degree burns chewing gum you wanted to so badly give to your father-in-law on the fourth – damn!  Poor dialogue and weak story arc will crush a movie anytime, especially with predictable comedic cast-typing.  Pretty much wrecked Chevy Chase’s career.

The Bottom Line

Wait until they figure something out for the sequel – if there is one.  The film was made for around $75M, dollars, if you can believe that.

“What happens in Paris, stays in Paris . . . as the champagne cork takes out my left eye.

Storyline:  A romantic drama set in the ‘20s, Paris, where the son of a courtesan retreats into a fantasy world after being forced to end his relationship with the older woman who educated him in the ways of love.

The Cast:  Michelle Pfeiffer, Kathy Bates, Rupert Friend (and he’s no friend I tell ya!)  Poor, poor Michelle.  She should have waited for another comeback role.  This one bit the big one, chewed it up, poo’d out the goods and up grew a twig tree from the seed.  The story was weak.  The scenes were drab.  The dialogue was forgettable.  Kathy Bates was also not a good choice.  Her sheer presence is just too strong.  She steam rolls over everyone.  She needs to be in a vampire series or something.  Someone give Alan Ball a ring, Kathy needs to show up as a trampy cougar vamp on True Blood—now that’s the ticket! The cast was just poorly directed and this crew should have never been put together.  Unbelievable.  Very forgettable…

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Yes, George Lucas’ first student film!

Extraordinary, visually hypnotic.

History

Ever pop in a film, then that harmonious THX branding sound label fades in and fills your ears as you scratch your head and say, “what does THX stand for?”  Well, the mystery is solved folks.  Just watch THX 1138 and you’ll know that answer.  Did you really think I was just going to spill it out?  What would be the  fun in that?

Over 38 years ago, George Lucas set out at the age of 27 to make his first film:  THX 1138.  He wanted to push the notion of the “what if” factor.  What if government ended up controlling everything—even our minds, thoughts, emotions, . . .  feelings.  “Ouch,” right?  Wouldn’t that like bite, kids?  But Lucas pushed the question even further than 1984, putting us in harms way with THX 1138.

Lucas spent the better part of the year restoring this film.  He mentioned, “. . .  I was struck by just how much it reflects how I saw the world in 1970.  It was designed as a metaphor for the way we were living at the time.  Our world has taken many strange twists in the past three decades, and ‘the future’ isn’t what it used to be.”

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Saddle up kids, we’re going to Tennessee!

Now Levi, take that straw out of yer mouth! It mighta been tinkled on, honest to Pete!

Storyline

Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus – *wink, wink,* but don’t tell anyone! ) has always had the best of both worlds: being herself and being the superstar the world loves, Hannah Montana! She’s lived the life others could only dream of: sold out concerts; millions of adoring fans; and like ahh, ga-zillion glitter-hair barrettes, like, yeah, no duh. You name it and this girl has it, but after a few too many unexpected and awkward events occur, causing the media to closely scrutinize if “Hannah” is really the cupcake she is portrayed to be, her dad (Billy Ray Cyrus) decides to take her back home.

Tennessee, here we come! A thousand really poor hillbilly jokes are lining up in my head like rednecks waiting to see a monster truck rally, right now. Dad wants to make sure she unplugs from the “superstar-ism” she’s enjoyed for some time, desiring for her to learn what family values are all about. So she rekindles with her roots and a new love interest helps her make a decision that will change her life forever. Will she leave there still wanting to be Hannah Montana? Like: Oh. My. God !!?

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The Hangover: “funny” has a whole new meaning!

The Storyline

Ah, another story based around a bachelor party: tons of booze, loose women, etc., etc., but not in this case!  Better be pack’n Depends under the ol’ Underoos ‘cause this flick gonna make ya tinkle yourself !!   Director Todd Phillips takes us on a wild, bumpy ride, following three groomsmen trying to find their groom after one hell of a Vegas night.  Wait until you see what they did!  It’ll blow your mind and the soda from your mouth all over the poor bastard choking to death in front of you.  The storyline keeps you guessing and wanting more.  Hats off to Jon Lucas and Scott Moore, WGA writers that scripted out this puppy.

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FAST & FURIOUS . . . makes you wanna see what the Prius can really do.

The storyline

Hold on tight because this movie launches you right into non-stop action—oh, hell yeah! The characters are driven by revenge and the desire to bring down a large heroin dealer. The car races, chases and fight scenes are incredible. All the stops were pulled out for this film. Since the original Fast and the Furious, believe it or not over eight years ago, the series has continued to stomp on the throttle, accelerating past the competition, particularly this latest installment – blending together the power of throttling up quick imports and pumping up good ol’ American muscle.

The cast

Vin Diesel playing, Dominic Toretto, brought a lot of talent to this film. Not only does he have a strong presence, but the boy can act. Vin had to pull off an array of emotionally charged scenes; I feel he did very well. We love Vin for just being Vin, but with the competition of action films today, the actor needs to bring more to the silver screen, making us believe in his/her mission, cause, situation. Vin sold me – great job. Paul Walker also brought his A-game. Paul brings natural mystery to his character’s presence, which was great because it leads toward a non-linear plot for us to unravel.

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People see what they want to see?

KNOWING, staring Nicolas Cage placed the Earth in apparent jeopardy once again. Director, Alex Proyas took us through 121 minutes of questioning, head scratching and many missed opportunities to dazzle us-  especially with the veritable army of writers and story editors this project had.

The storyline

Cage’s character, John Koestler, an MIT professor witnesses a mathematical relationship between a numbered sheet of paper that was pulled out of a 50 year-old time capsule at his son, Caleb’s, elementary school and deadly events that have happened and many yet to come! John quickly pours into researching how some little girl could possibly know 50 years ago what will happen in the future. John finds out she’s passed on, but this doesn’t stop him. He quickly jumps to digging further into this mystery, getting to the bottom of things, so he thinks. And this is where things become interesting. During the course of his research, mysterious men start to appear and are getting too close to Caleb – are these men after his son?!?  Throughout the story, believers start to think John is correct about this mysterious mathematical message from the past holding the truth for the future of Earth.  Something needs to be done—and fast …or we might all be in peril.

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Just seeing things

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT, starring Virginia Madsen and Kyle Gallner puts you on a thriller/horror roller coaster ride.  Grounded in reality, this film was exciting, taking me through many twists and turns throughout the 92 minutes of playing time. With any PG-13 horror, I instantly put up a red flag, because how am I going to wet myself without all the blood and guts . . . and what about the nudity and swearing?  Well, THE HAUNTING succeeded in my book – pissed the ol’ knickers within minutes.  Peter Cornwell directed an outstanding picture.  Hats off to editor, Tom Elkins for his work as well.  The slam-cuts threw me back into the seat and gave me the experience I was looking for—well done guys!

The storyline

Our story revolves around humble teenager, Matt Campbell who is fighting cancer.  The family is forced to move closer to a treatment program for Matt.  That’s when our financially stricken family rents what was once a funeral home—mistake number one, but we LOVE conflict especially when we’re watching it slowly unfold.  And within minutes of the family moving in, we see they’re not alone. 

Great job with the music by, Robert Kral which gave me flashbacks of Jaws when I was a kid.  Now, the second mistake and something we can all learn from:  if you think your new home is a bit odd – like haunted – get the hell outta there – AND NOW!  …But without poor decisions, we wouldn’t have a movie now, would we?  Our fearless family stayed their course, which brought many great frights for us to endure. 

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