The H-Bomb: Arthur and Norma Lewis (James Marsden and Cameron Diaz) are a perfectly happy middle class married couple living in 1970’s suburban Virginia. She’s a teacher at a private school, he’s a NASA scientist, and they have a young son, Walter (Sam Oz Stone). One day, a stranger by the name of Arlington Steward (Frank Langella) arrives on their doorstep. A vaguely sinister man, missing a portion of his face, Steward delivers a strange wooden box with a large red button on the top and makes Norma an offer: if she presses the button, her family will be given one million dollars in cash, but… someone in the world, a complete stranger, will die.

The other conditions are that she has 24 hours to decide, and she is only allowed to discuss it with her husband. If she tries to talk to anyone else about it, then Steward will somehow know about it and the deal will be off. While their first instinct is to tell this Steward guy to take his box and shove it up his rectum, the Lewis’s realize that they are strapped for cash, and that they won’t be able to afford to send their son to private school for much longer.

They also notice that other people around them have been acting strangely and suffering from nose bleeds. And just who the hell is this Steward guy, anyway, and what is this box? Could it have something to do with that Mars project Arthur has been working on…?

“The Box” is a movie that took me a couple of viewings to form a solid opinion on, and even then, I’m not sure how solid it is. Much like with writer/director Richard Kelly’s “Southland Tales”, there’s a lot about it that I liked, but there were things about it that I wasn’t too crazy about, which ultimately kept me from loving it. Given the studio budget and the cast, I expected this to be more mainstream than Kelly’s first two films, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Even though it’s more focused and palatable than “Southland Tales”, it’s still quite odd and obscure in places.

Adapted from a (very) short story by Richard Matheson (“Duel”, “Stir of Echoes”), this is actually a film that I can’t say much about without giving away spoilers. It’s part sci-fi, part morality tale, and part Richard Kelly mind fuck. The first hour or so of the movie recalls some of the great paranoia thrillers of the past, particularly “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. Helped by Langella’s subtly menacing performance and an terrifically eerie music score, it brilliantly establishes intrigue and builds up tension. I was all set to love it…

Then, along came the last act, where for me it just fell apart. Again, I can’t go into detail, but the way this set up played out just didn’t quite do it for me. I’m not sure where it went astray. Perhaps it was when Kelly fell back on his tired watery portal idea that he’s used in all three of his flicks now, I can’t quite say. I just know that it all but completely fizzled towards the end.

However, this is not at all a bad film. Far from it, in fact. The performances are all strong; Langella, again, is excellent, and Diaz and Marsden are very convincing as an average married couple who are thrust into this strange predicament and are forced to make some very difficult decisions. Many of the best science fiction films out there also deal with themes of morality intelligently, and this one is no different. It makes us think, “What would we do if someone told us to press a button, and we would get a million dollars, knowing that a stranger would die.” We would all like to say that we absolutely would not press the button… but you never know. A million dollars is a million dollars, and people die every day…

While not perfect, this is a smart, suspenseful film that may be frustrating at times, but is intriguing throughout. It’s not as powerful or engaging as Kelly’s “Donnie Darko”, it’s certainly an improvement over the messy, scatter-brained “Southland Tales”. Definitely worthwhile for filmgoers who like to think outside the box (sorry).

The H-Bomb: After a decade and a half of making a name for himself as a potty-mouthed indie auteur, Kevin Smith makes his second attempt to break into mainstream movie making, after his misguided PG-13, blander than white rice effort known as “Jersey Girl”. Is he more successful this time? As I always say, read on…

Kevin Smith is one of my favorite filmmakers. The moment I finished watching “Clerks“ on video for the first time, I immediately rewound the tape and watched it again. That‘s something I never do, but I found the film so fucking hysterical I just had to see it again right then and there. As you may have guessed from reading some of my bin bilge write-ups, Smith’s profane style of humor appeals to me, and I’ve been a devout fan of his work for a decade now.

That said, I honestly was not looking forward to “Cop Out”. The more I heard about this movie, the more I got that sinking feeling that Kev sold out. Why? Well first off, the fact that he didn’t write it. What’s the damn point of Kevin Smith directing someone else’s script when he himself is most distinguished for his obscene and clever writing? The least impressive part of his films has been his simple “point and shoot” style of directing. Secondly, the buddy cop action comedy genre is so fucking tired. From the “Lethal Weapon” movies, to the “Rush Hour” movies, and all the others in between, did we really need another one of these? Thirdly, the trailer I saw looked bloody awful! It made me want to chuck my laptop out the fucking window! Fourthly, Tracey Morgan… more on him later.

Fortunately, for my sake, “Cop Out” turned out to be much better than expected. It’s often funny and watchable throughout. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good, in fact it’s pretty uneven in spots, but for much of the time, I found it reasonably entertaining.

The story breaks down like this: Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan play a couple of dicks in NYC who have been partners for nine years. Willis’ daughter is getting married soon and her wedding will cost around fifty grand. Now, fifty grand is A LOT of money for a New York cop, and it doesn’t help that Willis and Morgan have both been suspended from the force, for a complicated mishap, without pay, for a month. Rather than let his daughter’s wealthy but douche baggy step dad pay for the wedding, he decides to sell a valuable vintage baseball card of his to cover the shindig.

Things get (overly) complicated when the card is stolen from Willis, and he and Morgan spend the rest of the movie dealing with burglars, car thieves, Mexican drug dealers, and other assorted low lives in order to get it back.

Yes, on paper, the plot SOUNDS. FUCKING. STUPID. However, the events unfold in a surprisingly unpredictable and enjoyable way… for the most part. While Smith isn’t credited with the screenplay, it actually is every bit as raunchy and R-Rated as anything he’s ever directed. It’s so rife with his style of profanity and sexual humor, that I suspect he did do a polish on the material, after all (The fact that the phrase :“ass-to-mouth“ is uttered at one point confirms this in my mind). And despite the fact that he’s not known for having any kind of visual flare, his skills behind the camera are quite impressive. There are slick camera moves and shaky cam aplenty, and Smith, despite statements he’s made in the past, shows that he has a skill for shooting action scenes. They’re well shot and the violence gets pretty brutal.

He does a good job of balancing the comedic and dark aspects of the material. At times it plays like a very gritty crime drama, while at others it feels like a “Naked Gun” movie. The dynamic between Willis and Morgan is what you would expect; Willis is the straight man and Morgan is the “funny” man. They have good chemistry together and, as such, play off each other well, though predictably, most of their interaction consists of bickering.

On the down side of things, the film is very hit or miss when it comes to the laughs. Morgan is alternately incredibly funny or excruciatingly irritating. This is perfectly encapsulated in a running gag the movie creates for him: whenever he’s speaking to a suspect, he repeats lines from famous cop movies. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Let me put it this way, if you ever want to hear the worst Robocop impression ever, go see this movie.

The same goes for Seann William Scott, who has a supporting role as a Parkour running thief; sometimes funny, sometimes annoying as fucknuts. The movie does drag in places from having scenes allowed to go on for too long and from too many subplots that have nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Were the rival detectives played by Adam Brody and Kevin Pollack necessary? Did we need the plot thread where Tracey Morgan’s wife may or may not be cheating on him?

Not to mention there are many scenes that could’ve and should’ve been left on the cutting room floor. One that comes to mind is an amusing yet lengthy and totally unnecessary scene between Seann William Scott and some random dude in a jail cell. While watching it, I kept thinking to myself, “Why the fuck is this scene in the movie? What purpose does it serve?” None, at all, as do a number of others.

When all is said and done, it is a perfectly decent action-comedy that mixes the laughs and the gunfire well, but it is flawed and more likely is worth a rental, and not a trip to the theater. If you do go to see it, be sure to stay through the first part of the end credits, because there is a hilarious scene that ends the film proper.

Love hurts… and so does this movie.

The H-Bomb: From Garry Marshall, the edgy, inventive, fiercely independent director of such gritty, avant-garde fair as “Runaway Bride”, “The Princess Diaries”, and “Pretty Woman” comes his most shocking, controversial film to date… “Valentine’s Day”; the riveting story of several diverse characters who cross paths on… Valentine’s Day. (Think “Crash“ revamped as a broad, clichéd, and mostly unfunny romantic comedy, and you basically have this film)

I’ll level with you, I hate chick flicks on general principle, and I hate Valentine’s Day because I’m forced to think about all the good looking guys in the world who are getting laid while I’m not. So, when those two elements are combined, for me it basically results in a gigantic shit sandwich seasoned with vomit sauce.

Director Marshall really doesn’t help matters since it seems that he set out to make the “Magnolia” of romantic comedies. Allow me to just briefly go over the cast of characters with you; we have a male florist who isn’t gay (credibility goes out the window right there); a schoolteacher in love, a cheating doctor, a bitter sports reporter, an aging football star with a secret in his… closet, a publicist throwing an anti-Valentine’s Day party, a fledgling actress who works as a receptionist and moonlights as a phone sex “entertainer,” some underachieving dweeb who thinks that Valentine’s always falls on a Thursday, a couple of horny teenagers, a horny first grader (!), a horny elderly couple (!!!), Taylor Swift playing the most gratuitously gratuitous character in cinematic history, the guy who played Jacob in the “Twilight” movies playing the second most gratuitously gratuitous character in cinematic history, and Queen Latifah playing… Queen Latifah (not literally, but basically).

This film went off the rails for me very early on when Ashton Kutcher (an actor I can’t stand) proposes to Jessica Alba (an actress I can’t stand) and she says “Yes.” The very thought of these two people who annoy the piss out of me getting married and breeding sent my Shitty-Ass-Fuck-Suck tolerance meter through the roof and just put me in a very negative mood from the outset. Sadly, the movie did far too little to improve my mood for the duration.

For the first act of the film, everybody was just breezing around an unnaturally bright and sunny L.A. with big, perky smiles plastered on their faces. Everyone in the flick seemed so Goddamn content and happy with their perfect little lives, giving each other hugs, kisses, and creepy little plastic hearts with feet that walk around when you wind them up, that I started to wonder, “Is there gonna be a movie here? Or is this just a two hour commercial for Valentine’s Day?” Alas, drama starts to unfold in the second act as the characters find out that their perfect little lives aren’t as perfect as they thought they were.

During these moments, characters get all teary eyed while over-bearing music plays on the soundtrack. You know the kind of music that sitcoms play when a rare serious dramatic scene occurs, that kind of music that condescendingly tells you “Okay, this is a sad part, feel sad“… that’s the kind of music I’m talking about here. But, with absolutely no interest in straying from predictable, formulaic convention, Marshall has everything wrap up all nice and tidily and gives everyone a happy ending… the kind that only ever happens in the movies .

Now, I know I sound like some bitter, romantically challenged curmudgeon on a tirade, and I am. However, I would be lying if I said there aren’t some bright spots in this film. I liked George Lopez as a no nonsense flower delivery man, Hector Elizondo brought his A game as a man who still deeply loves his wife after a half century of marriage (despite the fact that he easily has the worst line in the film, “Now that I know the truth, everything else feels like a lie.” Uggghhhh), I can watch Anne Hathaway do just about anything and be somewhat interested (and aroused), Jennifer Garner gives a speech towards the end that is downright hilarious, and there are several amusing moments sprinkled throughout that almost rise to the level of funny.

When all is said and done, however, I just found it dull, ripe with cliché, and at times excruciating to sit through (I really had to resist the urge to throw my soda cup at the screen and shout obscenities at Taylor Swift’s annoying, dumbass, bimbo Barbie doll of a character and her stupid fucking over-sized teddy bear). The whole movie is just so sugary and syrupy that I felt like I needed to brush my teeth after watching it. Worst of all, it goes on for-fucking-ever, mainly because there are so many damn characters! I felt like my least favorite holiday was unfolding before my eyes, in real time… slowly.

Judging from the reaction of the people I saw it with, I may very well be in the minority here, and I’m sure it will make some major bank, but for me, the over-the-top cutesy-cutesy-happy-happy-sweetness of it all made me just want to stab out my eyeballs and puncture my eardrums so I wouldn’t have to endure any more of it. If I want to watch a movie named after a holiday, I’ll take “Halloween” and “A Christmas Story”, thank you very much.

Rick Swift

“Wolverines”

Swift shot: Classic Milius! If you read my bio, you know this was one of my favorite films growing up, it put things at the time into a perspective I appreciated.  Today I have heard it described as silly and frivolous story-telling, bullshit, it was a great film and I will tell you why below…

Teddy Roosevelt 1899 – “Far better it is to dare mighty things . . . than to take rank with those poor timid spirits who know neither victory nor defeat.”

To explain why this film resonated with me is to reveal inner darkness, and perhaps why I have so hesitated to review this film.  As we dissect that which we love, we learn much about ourselves – and sometimes the truth is not pretty, but it is honest.

To say I have an intimate relationship with this film would be the understatement of the eighties, it would be like saying Gary Hart made some poor choices, who?  Yes, I see I need to set the tone here – go back with me to 1984, when we invaded Nicaragua and the Russians were occupying Afghanistan, boycotting the Olympics and CIA station-chief, William Buckley was kidnapped and eventually died at the hand’s of his captors in Iran. . . to a time when “Just Say No” was focused on the war on drugs and not trans-fats.

I was ten, and just starting to understand what it was to be an “American”.  Red Dawn wasn’t only socially relevant, it was a warning of what to expect if things didn’t change! As a re-hash of Red Dawn is now in the works, I hear people on blogs saying, how can they make that movie now?  Maybe we need to look at the last decade and the new Sino-Russian threat which may seem far-fetched to you.  But, I digress, that is the new film, let’s focus on the original.

Red Dawn centers around the fictional small-town of Calumet, Colorado, where one small skirmish of World War III takes place.  Russian-Cuban military units paratroop into the town and quickly seize it, rounding up people like me and seeing to it we don’t become partisans and insurgents.  Sounds like an easy plan, right?  WRONG COMMIE!  You don’t just drop into small-town America and expect to walk around unscathed, not if the Wolverines have anything to say about it.

Comprised of a few teenagers who manage to flee the initial assault and hide out successfully in the mountainous woods of “Colorado”, these Wolverines (their high school mascot) put up a tenacious resistance and become a ravenous nuisance for the occupying armies.  They are mostly naive, yet strong-willed youths who only want to survive and return to normalcy, but they soon realize that normal is a dream.  They stand up, willing to die, willing to kill, fighting for their homeland . . . til the death.

What so inspires me about Red Dawn is the way I seem to identify with all the characters – now more than ever even.  All of the characters deserve that scrutiny in Red Dawn, because Milius shows us the dramatic impact of violence, whether it be from the allies or the invaders perspective, death comes to everyone – and death is personal and painful in Red Dawn.

Characters are shot, tortured, humiliated, betrayed, and all manner of angst is printed on their hearts.  Some are led to a firing squad, some are forced to dig their own grave, put yourself in that guy’s shoes.  It’s easy to watch as a spectator, this work of fiction, but I know from my service (in Albania), people who were forced to do just that . . . and worse.   What would you do, tough guy?

We all want to believe we would be fighting the occupiers and holding our own – destroying as much enemy materiel and morale as possible – but, could you, if the shit hit the fan, right now, today, would you be ready?  Go on, laugh, pretend there isn’t evil in the world, pull your covers over your head and bury your fears in the sweet fiction of Hollywood.  It wasn’t too long ago that a man had explosives stitched into his underwear to kill Americans, that sounded pretty damned far-fetched to me . . . until it actually happened.  Think of the level of dedication for that “character” – starting to get my point now?

This film had a cast of relatively unknowns that went on to become somebodies.  The late Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Gray, Lea Thompson, and Charlie Sheen and my favorite character in the film, C. Thomas Howell, as Robert.  At the beginning, Robert dons a Star Wars cap with the bill turned up – until he learns of his father’s death and he drinks the blood of his first deer, after that, he is a different character altogether.

Robert embodies the uber-realist in war, and metes out justice without emotion.  His lust for revenge is never sated.  These characters always interest me the most, because their transformation is so immersing.  Robert has lost everything, and his hate keeps him warm at night, it is why he wakes up every morning and what he dreams about before closing his eyes – and I always wondered, what would Robert have been like if not for the war?

Red Dawn is easy to over-look as “just a cheesy, red-scare movie from the eighties” . . . until it becomes reality.  I lived in Norway, in a house that was seized by a Gestapo officer in World War II, a resistance fighter was killed down the street by having his mouth shoved on a tailpipe, tanks used to roll down the E39, fear and despair was everywhere.  To this day, Norwegians decorate their Christmas trees with little Norwegian flags, and I asked my friend why, he looked at me with no emotion and said matter-of-factly, “because the Germans wouldn’t let us fly our flags – you got killed for that”.  Tell a Norwegian that Red Dawn is just a scare-film, I dare you.

VERSUS

H-Man

“America! Fuck Yeah!”

The H-Bomb: I was checking out the DVD section of my local Wal-Mart when I chanced upon a DVD Double Pack of “Navy Seals” & “Red Dawn” for five bucks.  Knowing that “Red Dawn” is an old favorite of our esteemed editor Rick Swift, I decided “what the hell” and tossed it into the shopping cart. So, how does this personal fave of Mr. Swift’s rate with the H? Read and find out.

It’s the early mid-eighties in America, and the worst thing imaginable has just happened to us, we’ve been invaded by the Ruskies (With the help of Cuba and Mexico. If this movie were made today, you could throw in Iran and Venezuela as well)! The Soviets parachute into our country, and all but completely take it over in what seems to be the span of a day. However, there’s one thing those rat commie bastards didn’t count on… a pack of High Schoolers hiding in the mountains, armed to the teeth and determined to take their country back, guerrilla style! Yeah, take that you freedom hating Pinko fucks!

On the surface, this film seems to tell a purely patriotic, flag waving, nobody fucks with the U. S. of A. type story. However, to look into it a little more deeply, you could argue that the film’s real message is that occupation of one country by another will never work because the natives will always resist. And that could be applied to us in our adventures into Vietnam and Iraq just as much as it could to the Soviets invading Afghanistan. But seriously, who wants to look at it from that angle? I mean, this flick was co-written and directed by all American gun nut John Milius, one of the most macho, bad ass filmmakers in Hollyweird. He had a hand in writing the first two Dirty Harry movies and directed “Conan the Barbarian”. He makes movies for guys who like movies! He ain’t no candy ass!

As for the film itself, I enjoyed it and can definitely see why it’s achieved its cult status among action buffs. The action scenes were well-staged (if a bit redundant) and the film is surprisingly violent for PG-13 (yes, I’m aware this is the first PG-13 movie). Something that caught me off guard is how serious the tone of “Red Dawn” is. Not that I was expecting anything campy, but I was expecting it to be more… rousing, for lack of a better word, but it’s actually quite dark and a little bleak.

Another part where the movie falters is with the characterizations of teen rebels (led by Patrick Swayze. Why? Because he’s Patrick fuckin’ Swayze, bitch!). They all felt underdeveloped and therefore I never quite felt attached to them the way I should have. The young cast of now familiar faces, including Charlie Sheen, Lea Thompson (the Mom from “Back to the Future”), and Jennifer Grey (who went on to star with Swayze in “Dirty Dancing”), all do fine, but sadly the script doesn’t give them much to work with. Powers Booth drops in as a shot down fighter pilot and completely owns for about twenty minutes or so. He really brings a sense of gravitas to the cast, and I almost wish he was the star.

Also, there were moments of what I think were unintentional silliness, like when Harry Dean Stanton shouts “AVENGE ME!!!” to his sons. That part just made me laugh out loud.

But why am I even complaining, it’s “Red Dawn”, for Christ’s sakes. Odds are your minds are already made up on this one. If you’re nostalgic for the 80’s, or enjoy good, old fashioned 80’s shoot em ups (80’s action movies… nothing quite like them), then you probably have a special place for it right in your cinematic carnage loving heart. I know boss man Swift does.

As for what I thought of the other half of this DVD Double Header, “Navy Seals”, I think Kevin Smith was spot on in referring to it as one of the most “intellectually devoid movies on the rack”. But I kind of had fun with that one, too.

The H-Bomb: This bitter/sweet film about a middle-aged downsizing expert who starts to question his profession and the priorities in his life has been a critical darling during this award season, but, does it really deserve all the praise that’s been heaped onto it? Read on…

Jason Reitman is quickly becoming one of my favorite up and coming filmmakers. I thoroughly enjoyed “Juno” through and through, despite some of its hokey dialogue, and while I must admit I haven’t seen “Thank You For Smoking” from beginning to end, I did like the portions of it I caught on TV. Now, after seeing his latest film, I’m completely sold on him. He’s a genuine talent who’s here to stay.

“Up in the Air” tells the story of Ryan Bingham (George Clooney), a man who travels all over the country laying off employees for companies who are too gutless to fire their own workers themselves. Ryan has been doing his job for so long, that despite going to bed in a different time zone almost every day, he’s practically perfected his routine to a T. He gets the V.I.P. from all the hotels, airlines, car rental agencies, and he’s very close to completing his main goal in life; to rack up ten million frequent flier miles so he can achieve an extra-special V.I.P. status.

Ryan also happens to be very good at what he does. He can sit there and have people scream “Fuck you!” into his face or listen to their sob stories about their mortgages and their children without batting an eye. He is often able to successfully turn it around by saying things like “Try to look at this as a new beginning for you. A new chapter in your life.” or “Here’s your chance to go chase your real dream.” Of course, despite sounding sincerely empathetic to the people he lays off, it’s all but completely impersonal to him.

In fact, Ryan has made it a personal lifestyle choice to not connect with human beings on any kind of meaningful level. He’s never been interested in marriage or children, has no real friends, and he has two sisters, with whom he has as little contact with as possible. He’s on the road 322 days of the year, and when we see his actual apartment, it’s even more generic and devoid of personality than the many hotel rooms he stays in.

Ryan’s a man who lives out of a suitcase, and real relationships are just excess baggage that he would just as soon not have to haul around. This starts to change when he meets Alex (Vera Farmiga), a fellow business traveler who he has a fling with one night, then arranges to rendezvous with in different cities around the country, whenever their schedules permit. His life is shaken up even more when he’s shackled up with Natalie (Anna Kendrick), an ambitious but naive new employee with a radical new idea that would change his job, and his life, completely. Needless to say, Ryan is not happy about it.

This really is an actor’s movie, and the three lead performances are pitch perfect. As Ryan, Clooney really shines. He truly is a leading man of the “old Hollywood” variety and he’s firing on all cylinders here. He’s engaging, charismatic, cocky, yet also insecure and discontent… even though he doesn’t realize it for most of the film. I would go as far as saying this is his best performance ever (with the exception of “From Dusk Till Dawn”, of course). Farmiga is spot on as Ryan’s casual sex partner and sort of kindred spirit. She’s cool, sexy, and really damn funny. As their relationship grows, we see Ryan do something he’s never done in his life, develop genuine feelings for another human being. Then there’s Kendrick, who starts off as an over-achieving tight wad, but who becomes more and more sympathetic as we get to know her. J.K. Simmons and The Hangover’s Zach Galifianakis deliver brief but very memorable turns as workers who are fired by Ryan.

The film starts off lightly, but becomes more and more dramatic as Ryan starts to really take a good hard look at his own life. In many ways it reminded me of the kind of film Alexander Payne would make; a film about a man who thinks he’s happy, but who deep down knows there’s something important missing from his life. It also recalls Payne’s work in how it brilliantly balances the comedy and drama.

My hat goes off to director Reitman who, much like he did with “Thank You For Smoking”, took a main character who would be detestable, yet made him sympathetic simply by making him human. He may not win an Oscar for this one, but he’s certainly cemented himself on my list of must see directors, and I will be looking forward to all of his future projects. This truly is an entertaining and moving film, and I would urge everyone to see it while it’s still playing in theaters.

“It aint rocket surgery.”

The H-Bomb: After slaughtering all the high profile gangsters in Boston, the MacManus Brothers have spent the past decade hiding out in Ireland. But when a priest is murdered,the “Saints” come back to Beantown for one reason and one reason only… to shoot the shit out of some bad guys.

Just to state this upfront, I am not a huge fan of the original “Boondock Saints”. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it, I just never quite understood the fervent following that film has. It’s entertaining enough, but it’s no classic by any means. For me it played like one of a million Tarantino clones… except made by someone who wasn’t nearly as good a writer or director as QT. So I went into Troy Duffy’s long gestating follow up with modest expectations, and to his credit, the film lived up to those expectations precisely… no more, no less.

Fans of the original are going to love this, because essentially it’s more of the same. More shootouts, more black humor, more drunken Irishmen swearing like sailors. Connor and Murphy MacManus (Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus) are drawn out of retirement by said slaying of Priest, and resume their old mission of ridding Boston of it’s criminal element. This time they’re aided not only by dear old dad (Billy Connolly), but also by enthusiastic new recruit Romeo (Clifton Collins, Jr., sporting one of the most ridiculous haircuts in motion picture history), and  FBI Agent Eunice Bloom (Julie Benz), who happens tobe the protege of Agent Smecker, Willem Dafoe’s character from the first movie.

A large problem this movie has is that it more or less plays out exactly like the original. Sure, there are a couple of twists and surprises thrown in (loved how it went into the back-story of Connolly’s character), but overall it seems to tread same old ground; the “Saints” find out where a group of gangsters will be gathering, stage an absurdly elaborate ambush, then execute the ambush in an amusingly sloppy manner. Repeat those steps about ten times, and you basically have the whole movie. Anyone looking for anything of more substance or depth should look elsewhere. The debate about whether vigilantism is right or wrong is brought up a couple of times, but it’s presented in a half baked and superficial way.

Being that this was made ten years after the original, I would’ve expected writer/director Duffy to have grown as filmmaker during that time, but, for the most part, he has not. The film looks more polished than the first one, but that is most likely due to a higher budget rather than his increased skill as a director, and the dark humor is as hit-or-miss as it was before. When it hits, it’s laugh out loud hilarious. When it misses, it is painful to endure.

Part of what makes this film work on a popcorn level, aside from the bloody shoot outs, is the enthusiasm of the cast. The actors seemed to have a blast making this movie and it shows. Flanery, Reedus, and Connolly are all back and as solid as ever, even if they’re all longer in the tooth (Flanery and Reedus are certainly not as fresh faced as they used to be). Benz is tough and believable as the only woman of the bunch, and at points actually seems to channel Willem Dafoe, which is as fascinating as it is creepy. Collins really sinks his teeth into his role and steals every scene he’s in. Judd Nelson and Peter Fonda do a great job rounding out the colorful supporting cast, and there are even a few surprise cameos (including ones by characters who were killed off in the first movie). Everybody in front of the camera is firing on all cylinders, no question.

“The Boondock Saints II” may not be an Oscar contender, but Duffy definitely understands what it was about his first film that made it such a cult hit, and played up those strengths with this sequel. (If you saw the documentary on Duffy, “Overnight”, then you know it’s something of a miracle that he ever got to work in showbiz again). While I found it all merely moderately entertaining cinematic junk food, a no brainer action flick, the die hard fans of the first movie, and you know who you are, will most definitely be pleased.

It will all come together in the end… sort of.

The H-Bomb: A father, Peter (Bernard Hill), is searching for his missing son, young Londoner Milo (Sam Riley) is moping in deep depression after his fiancé dumps him, flaky goth chick Emilia (Eva Green) tries to commit suicide as part of her art school project, and a masked man badly in need of a throat lozenge (Ryan Phillippe) roams around a futuristic city that looks like the fantasy love child of Tim Burton and Terry Gilliam. During all this I’m wondering, who the hell is Franklyn?

This weird, trippy British film, that flew completely under the radar here in the U.S., has a lot going for it in the ideas department, but falls just short of greatness. As stated above, there are four main story threads involving very different characters. Three of these stories take place in modern day London.

The fourth takes place in an effed up, dystopian nightmare world called Meanwhile City. It centers around a vigilante named Jonathan Preest, who, rather ironically, is the only atheist in a city where having religious beliefs is required by law. He is searching for someone called The Individual, a cult leader who Preest believes kidnapped and murdered a young girl. Phillippe’s Preest is basically your garden variety modern superhero; dark, mysterious, slightly unhinged, and talks in a deep, raspy voice like Christian Bale’s Batman or “Watchmen”’s Rorschach. This story is also a bit reminiscent of “V for Vendetta” as well.

Meanwhile, back on the planet Earth, the tortured artist Emilia, whose look ranges from hauntingly beautiful to freakishly… freakish, is back in the hospital after yet another suicide attempt. It’s all part of some video art project and at first seems to be nothing more than a stereotypically lame attempt to get attention from her wealthy mother.

However, it’s later learned that Emilia does have a dark secret in her past. French actress Green, who sounds more and more British with each passing movie, inhabits the role perfectly and brings to it the same mix of mystique and humanity that she brought to the role of Vesper in “Casino Royale”.

While this is going on, we are also forced to watch the dour Milo mope around in what is easily the weakest of the film’s story threads. In it, this pathetic, depressing drip of a character moans about how much he thought his cold footed bride-to-be was “the one,” and seeks the comfort of his best friends, and a few bottles of red wine. Then he runs into Sally, a striking young redhead who was his childhood friend, and the two start to hit it off.

This really is the worst of the four stories mainly because, writing wise, it’s the least interesting. For the most part it plays out like some half-assed romantic drama, and even after a key revelation late in the game, it just doesn’t measure up to anything else in the movie. Riley tries his best, but his character was just a frowning sad sack who I hoping would either get hit by a bus or struck by lightning. Oh, and Eva Green plays Sally as well, for reasons that will make sense in the end.

Finally there’s Peter’s story involving his search for his son. As we follow him, we find out that his son is a very troubled person and perhaps even dangerous. Hill plays Peter with just the right amount of dignity and anguish, and comes off like the seasoned pro that he his (he played the captain of the ship in “Titanic”).

First time writer/director Gerald McMorrow lets all the stories play out at the same time, often cutting back and forth between them. For me, that was a problem early in the film. It jumps around to the various characters in random, “21 Grams” style, and just as one story would start to get interesting, it would abruptly switch to another one. It does settle down after a while, but this storytelling style does require some re-adjusting on the part of the viewer.

I would say that McMorrow falls into that trap that many young filmmakers do, that he tries to cram too much into one film. He doesn’t let it go off the rails like Richard Kelly did with “Southland Tales”, but he does run that risk, and there really is enough material here for four films.

All of these story threads do come together (even the fantasy one) in a way that is fairly unpredictable and reasonably satisfying. This did get some attention in Europe during it’s theatrical run earlier this year, but, like I said, it went completely unnoticed Stateside. Hopefully that shall change now that the film is on DVD. It’s a cool, intriguing little movie that’s worth seeking out. Oh, and who is Franklyn? Sorry, you’ll have to watch to find out.

Rick Swift says, “The ninja appears to be back . . . “

The H-Bomb: A martial arts trained assassin wages a one man war against his former clan and his master. Let the bloodbath begin…

“Ninja Assassin” can be best described as a martial arts movie fan’s wet dream. It’s blood and guts galore stuffed full of fistfights, sword fights and knife fights in a plot that’s there simply to get us from one violent action scene to another. The opening sequence is an all out slaughter at a Yakuza hang out that lets the audience know exactly what they’re in for… one kick ass, crazy as fuck all ride!

Seriously, this flick is so Goddamn wild it’s exhausting at times. There isn’t a  single thing it doesn’t go for, violence wise. Anything that can be done to a human body with a sharpened instrument is demonstrated in this flick; decapitations, half-capitations, bodies being cut in half at the waist, torsos cut in half diagonally, arms chopped off, legs chopped off, blades through the throat… during most of the mayhem all you see are severed limbs flying around the screen. This shit makes “Kill Bill, Vol. 1″ look like Dora the Explorer! At the end of one lengthy battle, our hero, Raizo (Rain), looks like he was dropped into a meat grinder.

Director James McTeiguegot to flex his action muscles a little with the terrific “V for Vendetta”, but here he really pulls out all the stops and gives us an action film that’s as over the top as it is entertaining. The film’s outlandish style and excessive bloodletting reminded me a little of “Punisher: War Zone”, only this movie is not nearly as stupid.

Raizo is a warrior who was taken into a secret clan as a young boy and trained as a Ninja by the clan’s brutal master, Ozunu (Sho Kosugi). That’s what the clan does, takes in orphans and trains them ultimately to be hired out as assassins. It’s a secret practice, that, as legend has it, has been going on for a thousand years. Raizo quickly becomes Ozunu’s favorite pupil, but when Ozunu executes a female student who had befriended Raizo, Raizo turns on his clan and vows revenge. Meanwhile, Mika (Naomie Harris), is a young investigator with EuroPol, who is convinced that this clan exists and is quickly closing in on them. The clan knows she’s on to them, so it isn’t long before they send someone after her.

That’s really all that needs to be said about the plot. It’s the kind of thing you’ll find in dozens of martial arts films. Korean star Rain is perfect as the stoic, silent hero. His fighting skills speak for themselves and he has charisma to spare. He’s the kind of indestructible, take-anything-that’s-thrown-at-him hero that only exists in the movies. Harris, who’s never looked hotter on film, does fine in what is essentially the damsel in distress role. Her character isn’t completely helpless, mind you, but when the fighting starts, there isn’t much for her to do but stand back and let Raizo do his thing. The standout, though, is Sho Kosugi as the stone cold Ozunu. He’s a villain with his own warped set of ethics and principles. A sort of Mr. Miyagi with a sadistic streak. Kosugi was a staple of Ninja films back in the 80’s, and he comes back with a vengeance with this menacing performance.

As much as I enjoyed this film, I do have a few issues with it. The editing in some of the action scenes suffered from “Batman Begins”/”Quantum of Solace” syndrome, which is to say they were cut together so quickly and chaotically that it was often difficult to tell what was happening. The fact that the lighting was very dark in these scenes didn’t help matters either. There were times where I felt like I was about to have an epileptic seizure trying keep up with what I was seeing. Another problem was that some of the blood spurts were obviously CGI in places, which always pulls me out of the movie. I also feel I should point out that the violence is fucking BRUTAL, so much so that it induces winces in places. Like I said, “Kill Bill” seemed tame in comparison. Far be it from me to complain about something like that, but, a surprising amount of the violence involves children, which even put me off a little.

But, all bitching aside, I must say I had a blast with this movie. It’s a fun, wild, balls out, very R-rated action flick that any friend of the genre will love… so long as they check their brain at the door.

The H-Bomb: Sandra Bullock gives her most impressive performance to date in this uplifting and surprisingly moving film about a teenage sports prodigy with a troubled past who is taken in by a well-meaning family and is given something people from his side of the tracks rarely get… the opportunity to make something of his life.

I’m a reasonably cynical person, and as such, I generally hate films about good, kind people with happy, uplifting endings. Why, you ask? Mainly because I never believe them for a second. I get especially cynical around the Holiday season, and am usually even more hostile to phony, syrupy, feel good movies. That’s why I found myself completely blind-sided by “The Blind Side”, an inspiring, entertaining film that I thoroughly enjoyed from beginning to end. A film that gave me characters that I really cared about, and a (true) story that I, for a change, did believe.

“The Blind Side” is about Michael Oher (Quinton Aaron), a gigantic African American teenager from the ghetto who’s been drifting from one foster home to another for most of his life. The football coach of a private high school sees real potential in Oher and talks the school’s administrators into accepting him into the school. Nick-named “Big Mike” by everyone around him, it quickly becomes clear that he might not make the grade academically. In fact, early on, we’re led to believe that he’s a half wit. He isn’t; however, he’s just incredibly shy. As one character describes him, “He’s like an onion. You have to peel back the layers, one at a time.”

Despite attending this rather distinguished school, Michael is forced out of another foster home and spends his nights in the school gym. This is where he first draws the attention of Leigh Anne Tuohy (Sandra Bullock), an assertive but generous woman who offers to let him stay with her and her kind-hearted family. From here we see Michael bond with the Tuohys as they accept him as one of their own, and for the first time in his life, Michael finds himself with a home, and a family.

This film is a genuine crowd-pleaser through and through. It’s the kind of underdog prevails story that you’ve seen before, but as someone once said, “When it comes to making a good film, you don’t need to surprise people, you need to make them care.” And that’s exactly what director John Lee Hancock did, he makes the audience care about this big, awkward lug of a teenager. As we follow Michael through the story, both on the football field, and at home with the Tuohys, we really grow to like him, and want to see him succeed.

Don’t let the ads fool you, this isn’t really a sports movie. The scenes on the field actually take up very little screen time. Instead, it’s the story about how a young man is able to beat the odds with the help of the kindness of strangers. It’s also a film about the relationship that develops between an adoptive son and a mother, and about the basic goodness that exists in most people. On paper it all sounds like a cheesy, sappy, Robin Williams-esque suck-fest, but Hancock was able to keep things from falling into the realm of over-sentimental crap by injecting healthy doses of humor into the film.

Bullock is a delight as the tough-as-nails southern gal who is determined to see Michael make the most of his talents. The scene where she marches out onto the football field and  coaches him during practice is priceless. She really is terrific in this role. She’s so good, in fact, that some people might even be mentioning her name come Oscar time. I don’t think I’m overstating it at all, this is the best performance I’ve ever seen her give. Tim McGraw is solid as her easy going husband, Sean. He’s understated, but likable, and proves an effective foil to the assertive Bullock. Jae Head nearly steals the movie as the Tuohy’s young son, S.J., and Kathy Bates makes a welcome appearance late in the game as Michael’s private tutor. The real revelation, though, is Quinton Aaron as Michael. I don’t know who the hell this kid is, but he was the embodiment of “Big Mike” and played him to a T. I really hope to see more of him in the future.

Is there anything to complain about? Sure… if this movie weren’t based on a true story, I would think that the Tuohy family is a little too good to be true. The way they just take Michael in would’ve been too much for me to swallow, had this been a fictional story. But maybe that’s just my cynicism talking… another thing, my most common complaint, is that clocking in at over two hours, the film goes into overtime, and could’ve used some tightening at parts… but, no biggy.

In fact, the length really isn’t a problem at all, because, as stated earlier, the film pulls you into the story of young Michael Oher and makes you care about what happens to him. This is one of the very rare film going experiences I’ve had where the audience I saw it with applauded at the end, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to join in.