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Click here for our Trump Hotel sit-down with Jennifer Westfeldt

Friends with Kids is the latest film from Jennifer Westfeldt (Kissing Jessica Stein) which shows the lives of six close friends and how relationships change when children are introduced. Shot with an incredibly comedic cast that doesn’t disappoint – you get the expected laughs galore and more. While the laughs flow freely, there is underlying drama that comes to the surface which adds a new dimension making it more than a typical comedy. The cast does a great job in their roles, and credit deserves to be given to Ms. Westfeldt for writing, producing, starring, and directing Friends with Kids.

Two best friends, Jason (Adam Scott) and Julie (Jennifer Westfeldt), are chatting on the phone with each other late one night. They both live in the same building and have someone lying in bed next to them. This shows us the beginning of what is yet to come. Next we are introduced to their best friends Leslie (Maya Rudolph) and Alex (Chris O’Dowd). After some brief banter, the group is joined by their other best friends, Missy (Kristin Wiig) and Ben (Jon Hamm). The humorous banter comes fast and furious until the group hears a screaming child in the background of a fancy restaurant. Jason and Julie are quick with comments about how bad it is that people subject others to the shrieks, just as Leslie and Alex announce they are expecting.  With comedy and life, timing is everything.

Then we hit the fast forward button four years and now Julie and Jason are talking as they arrive at Leslie and Alex’s apartment. They quickly realize that the friends have changed and they longer share many things in common. Then Missy and Ben arrive with a baby of their own. Dinner is awkward as the friends talk and compares notes. The movie really captures how relationships evolve as singles become couples and then, the ultimate insanity . . . parents.  This leads us to the point where the movie really takes off; Julie and Jason decide to have a baby. When the friends find out about the decision, conversations unfold and it is agreed how this might not be the best decision for Julie and Jason.

Now nine more months pass, and we are in the delivery room as Julie is having the baby. Comedy ensues during the birth scene, and most may not think of child birth being funny, but the characters deliver pinpoint dialogue that brings a humorous note to the whole situation. Many questions arise, will Julie and Jason live to the expectations of failure that their friends have dreaded, or will they live as a happily unmarried couple with a baby? That question is quickly answered as Julie and Jason, much to the surprise of their friends, seem to have their lives together and great ideas of sharing responsibilities.

The friends compare notes again and question the reality of the situation; finally, everything seems to be working, but how long can it last?  We see Jason doing his fatherly duty of taking his son out for the day, when he comes upon an attractive young woman, Mary Jane (Megan Fox). Mary Jane quickly calls Jason out on using his son to garner her attention, and also as a cheap way to attempt to pick a girl up in the park; alas it does work.

Mary Jane and Jason quickly hit it off, but how does Julie feel about this? Julie starts to show, through expressions, that she has developed feelings for Jason. She can’t let him know how she feels, so she enlists Leslie to help her find a new man. Leslie introduces Julie to a man, Kurt (Edward Burns), that she knows from school functions for her oldest child. Julie quickly hits it off with Kurt, as the two share common interests and an attraction for each other as well. This is the beginning of the underlying tension and drama that has been set aside. The way Jason reacts to the news of Julie having a new relationship doesn’t come into question, yet.

It all changes in New Hampshire where the friends annually take a New Year’s Day ski trip. This is where all the drama that has been festering amongst other members begins to surface. Loyalty and love is quickly brought to the table in a scene that makes the viewer quickly forget the comedy that led to this part. Everyone holds their own in this dramatic scene and it really builds nicely with some great acting. In the live-free-or-die state, we see how relationships are built, but over time, relationships also falter.

More questions arise and NOTHING is left hidden amongst the group. As secrets are revealed, the whole group is taken aback, and it seems that they may have lost something they all once shared, a genuine camaraderie.

The movie progresses forward and there are a few twists that add more to the dramatic elements of the film. Really, this movie can be seen as two films in one, a comedy in the first half and drama in the second; but that doesn’t really do the movie justice. You get laughs galore, but there are introspective moments where the viewer has to look inside and question certain things as well. The fast pace and quick cuts in time take away from some of the overall feeling of the movie, just never knowing when something really is happening, and takes away from the fluidity of the story. This is a movie that pulls no punches with the language, but its rated R for a reason! The cast delivers on ALL levels, and it was an enjoyable experience. I suggest not going in expecting to laugh the WHOLE time; you won’t, but enjoy the laughs that the movie will surely give you.

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“We’re just having a little get-together…”

The H-Bomb:  Dorky high school kid Thomas is turning seventeen on the same weekend that his parents are going out of town for their anniversary.  So his best friend, Costa (a poor man’s Jonah Hill), sees the opportunity to throw a huge birthday party at Thomas’s house.  He plans on making it epic, the birthday party to end all birthday parties, even recruiting goth weirdo Dax, from the “Gay/V Club,” to videotape the whole thing.  Being that Costa is a deep and sensitive young man, his noble goal for this celebration is to get Thomas and himself laid by the hottest girls in school. [Swift note: shocking]

They’ll party all Friday night, spend the rest of the weekend cleaning up, and Thomas’s folks will be none the wiser.  Unfortunately for them, they did too good a job getting the word out, as practically every young person in Pasadena shows up (along with a creepy middle-aged guy), drinking and drugging and dry humping the night away.  Shit gets crazier and crazier as people jump off roofs, cars are driven into pools, and eventually the cops are called to the scene, followed by the news media, then the SWAT Team.  Finally, the roof is literally set on fire, and all Thomas and Costa can do is stand-by helplessly and watch the motherfucker burn, burn motherfucker, burn.

If you’re looking for any more story than that, then go see something else.  Take any teenage sex comedy you’ve ever seen, American Pie, Superbad, whatever, take the party scene from those movies, stretch it out to feature length, shoot it in “Found Footage/Faux-Doc” style, amp up the alcohol/drug use by about a million, then throw in a cute little dog, a guy with a flame thrower, a couple of overzealous twelve-year-old security guards, and a testicle punching midget (billed as “Angry Little Person”), and you have the sure to be modern masterpiece, the film that will most definitely sweep next years Oscars, and be studied by film students and scholars for generations to come…  Project X.

Okay, so Project X isn’t any kind of masterpiece, nor will it be studied by anyone (except as a “How to party” guide by socially challenged high schoolers).  When I first read the synopsis to this movie, I thought it sounded fucking terrible.  When I watched the trailer, I thought it looked fucking terrible.  I didn’t even like going to these kinds of parties when I was in high school, why in the hell would I want to watch a whole movie about one, especially one shot in that uber-cliched “Found Footage” style.  I really did drag my heels into the screening, fearing that this would be so Goddamn stupid that I would actually feel my brain cells die off as I watched it.

So, much to my own surprise, I have to say that Project X isn’t half bad.  Again, it’s no classic, but over the course of its eighty-something minutes, it actually won me over…  to an extent.  Yeah, the main characters are a couple of shallow idiots, and the story only barely qualifies as a story, but it did make me kind of like these characters (the not-Jonah Hill guy does grow on you, despite being an obnoxious douche), it did make me feel like I was in the middle of this shindig, and it did make me laugh with more than a few outrageous, what-the-fuck moments that kept me on my toes.  Of course, I won’t spoil them here, except to say the things they do to that poor little dog… oh, and the encounter with a psychotic drug dealer and his bird flippin’ garden gnome… hilarious!

Apparently, this is based on a true incident that happened in Australia, but I couldn’t tell you how much is actually based on fact, as it all does get pretty absurd towards the end.  I imagine, in real life, this party would have been broken up long before an entire army of cops had to roll in with full riot gear and tear gas.  Sorry, but by that point, where the film becomes somewhat serious and practically turns into Goddamn Die Hard, I really stopped believing in what I was seeing.  Also, if I were to nitpick, I would wonder why Thomas is so head over heels for the “school hottie,” whom he barely knows, when his best female friend, who is clearly interested in him, is equally as attractive.  Just sayin’.

I could go on with such nitpicks, but what’s the point.  This isn’t a movie for critics, this is a movie for the people who made things like Superbad and The Hangover the hits that they were.  Project X doesn’t quite have the charm, or the likeable characters, or even the quotable dialogue that those movies gave us, but it does supply the raunchiness in spades, and fans of that kind of un-PC, dick n’ fart toilet humor should definitely check it out.

(1 People gave this 1.00 out of 5)

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Who will speak for the trees?

Swift shot:  I am no tree-hugger, but I can proudly say that iRATEfilms.com is run solely on wind energy; you can see our badge below.  And my views on finding alternative energy sources stem more from my loathing of certain oil-rich regimes than saving mother nature.  Still, I have a heart.  And, where some may take The Lorax as a beat you over the head with guilt film, I chose to take it as a, hey, just don’t forget about the trees, film.

Or let’s take his own words to heart, before I get hate mail about the “real message” or the fact that he lampoons environmentalists as some furry little creature.  Seuss once said, “The Lorax doesn’t say lumbering is immoral. I live in a house made of wood and write books printed on paper. It’s a book about going easy on what we’ve got. It’s anti-pollution and anti-greed.”

Starring Ed Helms as the mysteriously named, Once-Ler and Danny DeVito as title character The Lorax, the film is setup as a love story where Ted (Zac Efron) is trying to woo the auburn-haired dreamer, Audrey (Taylor Swift – No Relation to Me), and in fact the book itself was inspired by a romantic trip to East Africa that Seuss took with his wife Audrey in 1970.  And, yes, fans may realize this film was produced by Audrey, the widow of one Theodore, Ted “Dr. Seuss” Geisel.  It really is a love story.

In the film, twelve-year-old Ted is so infatuated with Audrey that he is willing to go beyond the trappings of the plastic city of Thneedville, run by corrupt, bottled-air-tycoon, Aloysius O’Hare (Rob Riggle) to find the one thing that Thneedville really needs, hope, in the form of a Truffula Tree seed.  Stealing the show, of course, was Betty White as Grammy Norma,who tells Ted that he must see the Once-Ler to find out about the trees.

With a little help from Grammy who tricks his mom (Jenny Slate), Ted manages to escape town and soon meets the Once-Ler who forces him to to endure a long story, a long, long story (complete with songs) about where all the trees went and how he met the odd-little magical creature, The Lorax.  Right away the Once-Ler is skeptical and catches on that Ted is just doing this to impress a girl, but he is also just happy to have someone captive, err, captivated with his story.

I was glad to see The Lorax, it was a highly imaginative and colorful film for little minds to enjoy, but it also has some wonderful surprises for adults to keep your attention throughout.  The Humming-Fish and Bar-ba-loots get almost excessively cutesy, but they grow on you as you anticipate their next silly antics and the film doesn’t put you to sleep.  Kudos to Danny DeVito for being the first actor in an animated movie to voice his role in multiple languages!

Sadly, I read a story today about a tree that stood for over 3,500 years, it was the fifth oldest tree on Earth and some meth-head burned it to the ground last month in Florida, and I couldn’t help but think about my review today.  “The Senator” will stand no more, and it wasn’t killed for greed or corporate necessity – it was destroyed by a person that probably needed a little more Dr. Seuss in her life!

Finally, I will leave you with the film’s effective and endearing message taken from the book – “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It’s not.”  Put down your cell-phones and tablets, pull away from your TV’s and PC’s – take your kids to this heart-warming film and remind them that there needs to balance in all things in life.  I think this film would make Dr. Seuss very proud.

(3 People gave this 4.00 out of 5)

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“If you’re not willing to give up everything, you’ve already lost.”

Swift shot:  How many times have you run into people claiming to be SEALs?  Odds are, they were lying.  With rare exceptions, the silent operators of the deep will emerge from the frosty surf long enough to do their duty and then sink back to the darkest depths.  That is why I was shocked to hear active-duty SEALs were cast in this film, and (for our screening at least) the Bandito Brothers explained why before the film began in a short tribute to the elite warriors.  These are not actors, but they sure as hell deliver the action!!  Act of Valor is an exceptional military action film, which should be required viewing for anyone looking to join the service, any military service, during a time of conflict . . . i.e. WAR!  The above image was a live action sequence that the Bandito Brothers had one chance to capture, of an actual SEAL team embarking to a sub.  While this shot is epic, the next shot in this sequence is something you have to see on the big screen!

A lot of controversy has surrounded the access to the Teams for this film, and casting active duty personnel must be giving someone in the Naval Special Warfare headquarters a friggin’ ulcer, but, somehow, this film hit the can.  My opinion on it is this, no real sources were revealed, names were changed and hopefully if the bad guys are taking notes, it will just flush them out into some well-devised trap wherein the actors will get a chance to face their . . . critics . . . toe to toe.  I could live with that.

Much like a Law & Order episode, the film’s plot is ripped right from mission files of the Navy SEALs, and I won’t give away too much here.  Essentially, a duo of really bad school friends decide they want to strike inside America and make a larger statement than 9/11.  They both have their special skills, and when they reunite after years being apart, their union is something that we can’t allow . . . send in the SEALs!

The film’s narrative is read throughout as a letter to a son, as lessons are to be learned, morals taught, right and wrong determined, values earned in a perceived world where words mean nothing without action.  Each time pieces of the letter are read, it will sink in more and more their overall impact . . . leading to a dramatic final closing signature.  The film captures the hearth and hearts of these, often mis-portrayed, deadly men.  My favorite line from the letter is, “The worst part about getting older is that other men no longer see you as dangerous.”  No doubt, these men are incredibly dangerous, and more than a few times you will find yourself thinking . . . damn, I am glad they are on our side!

If you have ever seen Navy Seals, you have an icon, a stereotype, about what these men should be like.  But, the most chilling aspect of the film shows how ‘normal’ they are, there are no idiotic scenes akin to Charlie Sheen jumping from a moving jeep on a bridge just to avoid a wedding, crap like that is not even a thought to these men.  They are lethal, when necessary, and live life on the edge, at work, but at home they try to be the best providers for their families and balance their mortality with morality.  The only verified SEAL that I ever met was the most down to earth person.  It was refreshing to see Hollywood go to the ‘source’, for a change.

After I just got done reading my Drill Instructor’s EBook, Friends from Damascus, it was awesome to see some of the same types of action-sequences play out in the theater.  When the live-rounds are being peppered into a Quick Reaction Force vehicle, and it almost turns into dust as the SWCC bubbas light it up from the river, it’s like a symphony of precise destruction.  One thing I found interesting, given the current political seascape, was the use of female pilots used for the insertion craft sequences – personally, I couldn’t care less, if they can do the job, and the SEALs can live with it – - – who can argue with that?

This film is just one bad-ass ride at the movies; little dialog is necessary when the action takes the center stage.  And, every critic’s favorite action-flick lament, “But where was the character development?’ goes nowhere here, because these weren’t characters, it was more like watching the actual troops reenact a previous engagement for our viewing pleasure.

Ok, Rick, you LOVED it, we get it, then why not five stars?  Well, this is where I found myself puzzled.  I expected the SEALs to not be able to act, and with the exception of a few scenes with Senior Chief, that held true.  Still, I am not about to say they sucked . . . they can find me fairly easily, heh.  The folks who were supposed to be the actors, didn’t bring their A-game, or maybe they did, but it wasn’t good enough.  Perhaps that is understandable, because they may have been incredibly intimidated.  But, in one scene, that was supposed to be emotionally riveting, the Christo actor (Alex Veadov) dropped so painfully in and out of his accent that I was actually expecting to hear – “CUT!”

But, if you live for hardcore action, you can’t do much better than this, because it is the real deal, the covert, presented in overt glory just so you can understand what true sacrifice these men live with everyday, the threat of death is something they face . . . everyday . . . so that you don’t have to come toe to toe with the enemy.  Oddly enough, when the final credits rolled, I turned to Amadarwin and said, “I think we are going to war soon,” because the film has that feel, much like Pearl Harbor was released right before we were hit in 2001.  It feels like a readiness drill.

I would like to take a few lines here to remember these brave warriors of the night who met their deaths while we all worried about petty things like bills, social networking and gas-prices . . . we are already at war, these Damn Few already know it!  Semper Fi Team Six-  “. . . the dead included 25 Navy SEALs from SEAL Team Six.”

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I’m afraid more rum was needed.

The H-Bomb:  I must confess off the bat that I’ve never read anything by Hunter S. Thompson, and my only real exposure to him was from Terry Gilliam’s bat shit crazy adaptation of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which I do kind of like, but ultimately just got too obnoxiously bonkers for me to really, fully embrace.  That’s why the trailers for “The Rum Diary” looked promising.  It looked as though we were going to get another glimpse into Thompson’s very unique mind, only this time in a toned down, more palatable way.

Sadly, screenwriter/director Bruce Robinson toned things down to the point where any interest or fun to be had was just evaporated.  It was like “Fear and Loathing”, except instead of tripping on Acid, it was bombed into a complete stupor of Quaaludes and Valium, so much so that all it can do is slog along from one dramatically indifferent scene to another at a leaden pace.  That is The Rum Diary, Fear and Loathing gone dull.  There is a plot, things do happen, but there is absolutely zero dramatic tension.  There’s no sense of urgency or importance, nothing to hook us in or make us invested in what’s happening.  It’s like watching the movie drunk: we see what’s happening, but we’re only watching passively, and we’re completely detached from it all.

It’s starts out promisingly enough, with Johnny Depp once again stepping into the role of Thompson’s surrogate, this time named Paul Kemp.  The story is set in Puerto Rico in 1960, with boozy writer Kemp arriving fresh from the States to work as a reporter for some local rag that is slowly going the way of the Dodo.  Kemp is serious about being a journalist and wants to tackle important stories, but his cynical, toupee-topped editor (Richard Jenkins) just wants him to write fluff about fat American tourists at bowling alleys.   Kemp isn’t particularly happy about this, but just keep the rum flowing, and he’ll be fine (hey, sounds like me).

Eventually, he crosses paths with wealthy douche bag Sanderson (Aaron Eckhart), who, we eventually find out, wants Kemp to write promotional pieces for an island resort that he’s trying to interest investors in.  Kemp becomes involved with Sanderson’s beautiful girlfriend, Chennault (Amber Heard), and soon discovers what a shady guy Sanderson really is.  It’s then that Kemp sets about finding a way to bring him down, with the power of the printed word.  All the while, the unfocused narrative sends Kemp on a series of misadventures with fellow alcoholic writers Moberg (Giovanni Ribisi) and Sala (Michael Rispoli).  These include scary altercations with gringo hating locals and accidentally setting a cop on fire.  Sometimes the antics rise to the level of mildly amusing, but never beyond that, and not often enough.

And again, that‘s the dang problem. The Rum Diary is the most bewilderingly boring film I have ever seen.  Overall it’s about Thompson discovering his voice as a writer, and that certainly had the potential to be a fascinating story, but the execution is just so Goddamn blasé that it‘s actually frustrating to think about what a squandered opportunity this movie is.  The actors do try, with Depp back in the Thompson role.  Only this time, instead of playing zany, drugged out Thompson, he’s playing restrained, drunk Thompson.  His performance is very understated, and sadly, that only adds to the film’s lack of dramatic oomph.

Eckhart is perfectly cast as the sleazy, rich slime ball, but the movie didn’t make me care enough to hate him.  Ribisi and Jenkins actually are funny as the more lively and eccentric characters in the piece, but they couldn’t salvage it.  Heard is not bad to look at, but writing wise, her role is terminally malnourished.  Here, she is eye candy, and nothing more.

This is a project that Depp, who also produced, had been nurturing for a long, long time, at least a decade, and I really wish the end result would have been more worth his while.  I wish it had been more worth my while, as well.  Gilliam’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was certainly not a perfect film, but it was also certainly never boring for a second, either.  The Rum Diary just runs on the same flat tempo all the way through to its utterly “so what” ending.  It’s not funny enough to keep me entertained, as comedy-wise, all the best bits are in the trailer.  The limp attempts at drama are not engaging enough to make me care, and all I was left with at the end were two hours that I wished I had back.

(1 People gave this 1.00 out of 5)

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“Something elusive”

Click here to jump to the Swift’s Notes (AKA Cliff’s Notes) Review!

Swift shot:  In 1977, I was three years old, so there is no way I could have possibly seen Star Wars in theaters . . . but, I did.  I was probably four when my dad took me in his yellow MG convertible, the kind you had to snap shut, and (perish the thought) I sat in the front seat . . . with only a seat-belt to protect me, well, that and my dad.  Funny how we overlook the most important part of child safety, the parent!  Still, we went, and the roads were wet, and the air was kind of musty outside, like after a dog shakes and there is a light fog in the air.  I was really small, and the world was still new and exciting to me, I believed that anything was possible.  After I saw Star Wars, there is no denying this, I wanted to know what made Darth Vader so evil. Even before I saw Empire Strikes Back, I can remember being secretly happy that Vader didn’t die in the final battle in A New Hope.  He was . . . interesting, and I was compelled to know more about him.  Twenty-two years later, I would finally have a third of his legacy revealed.

Stavanger, Norway – the year was 1999; I had just gotten back from Albania, where I was doing Counter-Intel work for NATO where I saw more than I care to admit.  I saw humanity’s inhumanity.  With that backdrop, I was well ready for something to take my mind off of reality and to just be child-like again.

The film was released already in the states, it released in May, and it hit the can in August in Norway.  I had given strict instructions to every single American that I knew to reveal nothing to me . . . on pain of death!  Maybe the tone I took was sufficient, because no one revealed anything.  But, now we have all seen the film, and we are now thirteen years later, where all the questions have been answered . . . and then some.  So, I won’t pretend you haven’t all seen the film, and I will violate my rule of making spoilers verboten.

Let me start my defense of the film thusly.  When I was in high school, it wasn’t cool to like Bon Jovi, or Bon BlowMe as my friends and I all called them, because we were so damned cool.  But, years later I found out that we were all closeted fans, would go home and jam out to them, all while faking the funk back in school.  And, I think, that is what has happened with Phantom Menace.  I think it has become derivative to say you don’t like it, because of one stupid freakin’ Gungan! Ask yourself, honestly, when you saw it in 1999, was it so incredibly bad then?  Or were you sucking at the Lucas teat and waiting for whatever he would squeeze out, teasing you in anticipation of Episode III?  If nothing else, did not the film get your butt into the theater for Attack of the Clones?  I thought as much.

This first film holds a special place in my heart for being the first piece of a greater puzzle to make up arguably the most hated villain in Hollywood . . . Darth Vader.  When we first meet him, Anakin Skywalker is a slave boy who has dreams of grandeur and adventure . . . but he also is incredibly protective of his mother.  Is this fear of loss the thing that will finally make him the sinister lord of the Sith?  Well, you already know the answer, but I didn’t in 1999 – and neither did you!

Starring the incredible [Academy Award Winning] Natalie Portman as Padme/Queen Amidala and casting Ewan McGregor as the legendary Obi-Wan Kenobi was a master-stroke for Lucas.  Liam Neeson, no stranger to audiences now, and back in 1999 had a fair film resume and lots of hungry fans, plays Master Qui-Gon Jinn with Ahmed Best providing some exceptional voice-over work as the oft-derided Gungan Jar Jar Binks.  The pivotal character though, had to be a boy, had to be believable, and had to be someone you cared for in the end.  Jake Lloyd, all of ten years old had to step into some of the biggest, darkest boots Hollywood has ever created.

Could you have done better . . . at ten?  Hell, could you now for that matter?  There was one scene he had to get right . . . and he did!  When Yoda says there is much fear in Anakin, and Lloyd is looking at him with pure malice, that is one of the finer scenes of any young actor.  If he blew that moment, however subtle, it would have ruined the film for me.  That is the essence of Vader, he is an egoist, but he protects those he loves . . . anyone else is just in the way.  In that moment, Lloyd nailed it . . . at ten.  So, put that in your pretentious pipes and suck deep, cynics.

There has a been a lot of talk about Portman not doing a good job, bull, I think the scenes where she was being a queen, she was directed to be regal-sounding or something, and given that a lot of the work was done with a blue-screen, I think she did enough with what she had to work with.  Also, she had to alter her voice etc. to not make it obvious that she was Padme.  I must admit, in 1999, I didn’t know it for sure until she was washing R2-D2, after being (comically) ordered to clean the heroic droid by the “queen.”

Which brings us to the synchronicity quips of so many “critics” – it was “childish” to have C-3PO created by Anakin and to have R2-D2 already introduced in the series.  It was lame to have the force described in an organic, scientific fashion, and why did Lucas feel the need to force racial stereotypes in this film?  Because it is a film . . . it is a series driven by fan admiration, he was going to the candy store, maybe he did it one time too many with making C-3PO’s maker Darth Vader, but I actually thought that was a nice touch.  When he was a ” child” he created a toy, a “childish thing”, but when he becomes a man, that childish thing leads to his destruction.  Impressive.  Good mythology there, don’t ya think?  Or, did you not catch that, because you were too busy hating a certain Gungan?

Also, on to the Gungans . . . did you hate them all, Boss Nass, Captain Tarpals, every last floppy-eared “primitive life form?”  Or was Jar Jar the only Gungan you wanted to kill?  Newsflash, he was supposed to be annoying, he was the comedy-relief, buffoon, hell, even Obi Wan wants to leave him and can’t wait for him to shut up half the time.

All this is why I didn’t hate the film, because this is how I was already dissecting it in 1999, I was intrigued with the story-line, the epic battles, the droids, and then there was this new guy . . . Darth Maul.  When he makes his first appearance, it is one of those great movie moments, and when he engages the second blade on his light-saber, tell me you weren’t four years old again and thinking, “That’s cool!”

What I really liked about his character though, and the fight scenes in particular with him, he doesn’t say anything.  There is no, I am your father, I hate you, I am Sith, your mother is so fat . . . none of that trash-talking.  He just goes right for the kill.  I LOVED THAT, even though the dialogue is what fascinated me about Vader in 1977, in 1999 the lack of dialog had me thinking, woah, that Darth Maul is one bad mutha!

Episode I – The Phantom Menace had rich characters, a compelling plot that sets up the motions to create the Galactic Empire, and a few strikes which can mostly be over-looked to make for an enjoyable time at the theater.  The cinematography, albeit mostly CGI, was state-of-the-art for its time.  The ILM team may have used a softer stroke on the special-effects to create a more raw feel to the film, like they had to do in 1977.  In effect, they got too good, and they show-cased their work to the nth degree.  Still, the overall immersive feeling to transport myself outside of my theater seat was still there.  A few stilted lines delivered by a less than spectacular Samuel Jackson, and one overtly annoying Gungan, weren’t enough to ruin the film.  Telling the first part of the Anakin Skywalker trilogy, where he is but a small boy, the film does a fine job laying out all the pieces that will ultimately lead to his betrayal and his transformation to vile Sith Lord, Darth Vader.

out of – Because I can’t give it NEGATIVE SIX STARS!!!!

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The “Meta” sequel to Rick Swift’s ‘favorite’ film of 2010!

The H-Bomb:  Wow.  Fine readers of iRATEFilms, I have seen some Baaad movies in my life.  Be it Princess Coppola’s recent pretentious non-movie, Somewhere, or the all time crud sucker, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4, I have plummeted to the deepest depths of cinematic depravity, and I have managed to survive most of them unscathed.  I weathered the uncensored international cut of A Serbian Film, and was able to laugh about it afterward.  I managed to sit through Irreversible, and managed to not only not get sick by all the spinney cam, but to actually love that film.  In fact, never, in the almost three decades of my movie watching life, has a film, no matter how hard it tried, made me physically ill . . . until tonight.

Normally I don’t sit down immediately after watching a movie to review it, but tonight, I have seen Hell with mine own two eye . . . and it is The Human Centipede II.  I knew enough about the first Human Centipede to know I had no interest in seeing it (I watched enough “caustic” video reviews of it to know the whole plot, including the ending, anyway), so what possibly could have drawn me to this “meta” sequel?  I don’t know, what draws us to smoke our first cigarette, or to try crack-cocaine, or to voluntarily eat at McDonald’s . . . we as human beings are sometimes just inexplicably pulled to things we know will be bad for us.  I knew this would be bad, and I had a plentiful supply of alcohol that I thought would help me through it, but Christ on his throne, I should have brought along a barf bag!

It happened at the extensive climax of the film.  Our “hero” has accomplished his “goal,” sewing up twelve people ass-to-mouth.  I had long passed the point of “I don’t give a fuck” and was just laughing my ass off at what was happening on screen . . . that’s when the film decided to wholly and completely one-up its predecessor in utter cinematic grossness:

[***SPOILER ALERT***] 

The “hero” goes up to the front human and force feeds her canned dog food through a tube.  This starts a chain reaction where each person sprays diarrhea into the mouth of the person behind them.  Then as a capper, the “hero” goes up to the lady at the end of the centipede and pulls down his pants, revealing his chubby little pecker wrapped in barbwire.  He penetrates her with his barbed-up thing . . . and  that’s when it happened . . . I gagged, then before I knew it, the contents of my stomach were all over the footrest in front of me.

[***END SPOILER ALERT***]

Congratulations to Tom Six, the writer/director of both Human Centipede films and real life Internet Troll, of all the gore-strewn movies I have seen, yours is the first to make me spew.  Fuck You!

Holy God, now that I have that off my chest, my review proper shall commence.  The Human Centipede II is a film that no person should ever, ever, EVER SEE!  If one ever had the option of watching this movie once or being water-boarded with un-flushed toilet water for twelve hours straight, I would, for their sake, recommend the water boarding.  Terrorists would not even fathom forcing infidels to watch this movie, because even they would consider it unconscionably cruel and unusual punishment.  Great Caesar’s Ball Sack, have I spelled it out enough for you people?!

Okay, I shall continue.  Ugggghhhh, is this “plot” even worth describing?  Fine, here it is, our “hero” is a short, fat, toad-crossed-with-a-slug like man named Martin (Laurence R. Harvey), hopefully no relation to Laurence Harvey of The Manchurian Candidate fame.  This human dung beetle lives a miserable life in a London flat with his horrible old witch-bitch of a mother, and works a solitary job as a parking garage attendant/security guard.  He’s a quiet type (in fact he never says a word the entire movie, though he does scream and make pig like grunts when he tries to assert himself) who apparently was molested by daddy, which is why he is apparently mentally challenged.  Oh, and he loves The Human Centipede, oh does he love it!  He’s obsessed with it.  He watches it on his laptop, when it ends he rewinds it and immediately watches it again, he keeps a scrapbook full of photos and notes from the movie, and he even wraps his schlong up with sandpaper as he beats off to the three way ass-to-mouth climax.

See, that’s what makes The Human Centipede II a “Meta Sequel” (latest bullshit term dreamed up by wannabe film hipsters), because it’s set in “the real world” where the original movie is just a movie, and this one is about the sad little fuck who worships it and its protagonist, Dr. Heiter, like gods.  In fact, Martin doesn’t just hold the fictional Dr. Heiter in high esteem, he takes detailed notes of Heiter’s ass-to-mouth methods because he aims not simply to follow in his footsteps, but to surpass him completely.

And that he does!  As I mentioned, he doesn’t get just three people chain-linked, but twelve!  Over the course of the film, he stalks his victims, some known to him, others complete strangers he chances upon in the parking garage . . . all in for a unfathomably horrible fate!  He incapacitates them, ties them up, and takes them to a dingy warehouse he “rented.”  Once he has all twelve, including one pregnant woman, he aims to finish what his make-believe mentor started!  Bring on the barf inducing climax I covered earlier!  Oh, and this time it’s in beautiful Black & White, because Tom “Sick-Fuck” Six thinks that makes it artistic!  Yes, it was a Black & White movie that made me toss my cookies.  Cannibal Holocaust, Day of the Dead, a B&W flick managed to make me do what you couldn’t.

I’m guessing this toad-slug Martin is the exact kind of person that director Six imagined would be the target audience for the first Human Centipede.  To that, I have to give it to Mr. Six, he’s probably absolutely, spot-on fucking right!  Martin is exactly the kind of anti-social, manic-depressive, psychotic, terminally fucked-up kind of individual who would enjoy and idolize these utterly worthless, witless, detestable sick-jokes masquerading as movies.

I just as soon assume Mr. Six had no fucking audience in mind, as he is a troll filmmaker, in the Uwe Boll mold, who is making these for what is known in the Internet parlance as the “Lulz.”  I honestly believe he made these atrocities simply so he could walk into a darkened theater with a pair of night vision goggles and laugh at all the people who are choking and puking in the aisles because of the wretch inducing garbage he created.

I can honestly think of no other reason why this movie exists.  I also can’t imagine why Ashlynn Yennie, one of the female stars of the original, agreed to come back to play “herself,”  who happens to be the object of Martin’s masturbatory fantasies.  Not only does she return, but she allows herself to be completely demeaned yet again by stripping naked, getting on her hands and knees, and becoming part of the twelve part human centipede.  Oh dear Ashlynn, I hope the money was worth it, sweetheart.

In case you haven’t caught on by now, people, I shall spell it out: I did not like The Human Centipede II.  Just thought I’d reiterate that, just in case one of you out there is more retarded than dear Martin.  Not just the worst film of 2011, not just the worst film of the past decade, but quite possibly the worst film I have ever fucking subjected myself to.  No, make that DEFINITELY the worst film!  Move over Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4, unholy piece of S-H-I-Tut that you are.  This is now the movie by which I will compare all other horrible movies.  I’m no prude, I can take the worst that cinema can dish out, but . . . again, this literally made me vomit!  It’s a reprehensible abomination, its existence is indefensible, and now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go clean the vomit off my footrest.

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Review by Alyn Darnay

Directed by: Jill Sprecher

Written by: Jill Sprecher and Karen Sprecher

Cast: Greg Kinnear, Billy Crudup, Alan Arkin, James Detmar, David Harbour, Lea Thompson

So I started watching this film and I said to myself, “self, what’s this all about?” It seemed dull, dull, and dullier. “What was Greg Kinnear thinking when he took on this role?” Then all of a sudden, the film takes this funky turn and I’ve fallen through the ice and am absorbed in the story up to my neck…and it keeps getting better and better. With rapid and unexpected plot twists and turns and a climax that just sings, Thin Ice is a small gem of a film with great performances and a crafty everyman story.

Very reminiscent of both (Fargo-1996) and (A Simple Plan-1998) for it’s Bible-Belt characters and wintery location, Thin Ice carves out a place all its own that holds your attention and takes you on a dangerous journey of deceit and double-dealing.

The story goes like this, a Wisconsin based con-man insurance salesman (Greg Kinnear), separated from his wife (Lea Tompson), broke, and precariously near the end of his rope, discovers that an elderly client (Alan Arkin), whose account he stole from a new associate, has inherited an extremely valuable violin from his ailing sister and is not aware that it’s worth $25,000. Hatching a plan to grab the violin and sell it himself, Kinnear tries to build a friendship with the befuddled old man. But Kinnear is hopelessly out of his depth and that’s when things start to get really complicated.

Kinnear is wonderful in his endless desperation, Arkin is masterful as the old man, and Billy Crudup is explosively dangerous as a locksmith caught up in the whole scheme. The writer-director team of the Sprecher sisters (Clockwatchers-1997), themselves Wisconsin natives, show they have an intimate knowledge of their subject and place it on the screen beautifully, warts and all. Good job Everyone.

Thin Ice gets all the elements just right, taking the audience on a wild ride with an abundance of cannily plot contortions combined with some wonderful comic touches that will have you agonizing right along with the main character. It is a solid, enjoyable film experience.

THIN ICE is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). Time: 97 min.

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A mindless bromantic comedy

Look, it’s Kirk’s Nemesis? – A Swift Thought

Girls, you may want to avoid this one, as This Means War wasn’t made for you. Not entirely. The first clue is the opening scene where we meet our intrepid heroes Tuck (Tom Hardy) and FDR (Chris Pine) at the tail end of their covert operation. Unfortunately, they forget to put the ‘c’ in ‘covert’ and the ensuing chaos has them end up riding the pine in the Los Angeles branch of the CIA offices until further notice, where boredom reigns supreme. FDR, a known lady-killer, and Tuck, a divorcee, are best friends as well as partners, so when Tuck decides to hit the dating scene again, FDR offers to gladly be his wing man. However, the closest Tuck will allow is a quick phone call to let FDR know if he needs an extraction or not.

What follows is a little perplexing. Maybe I’m so far gone from the dating scene that what transpired seemed odd and in reality is perfectly normal, or maybe the writers had no concept of a first date at all. Enter Lauren Scott (Reese Witherspoon), a product tester/blogger with a firm grasp of her professional life and no grasp of her romantic one. Against her will, her confidante and best friend, Trish (Chelsea Handler) signs her up for a dating site that pairs her with Tuck, resulting in a 5-10 minute first date that to me seemed more like a meeting. Although the attraction is instant and the pair enjoys each other’s company, Lauren tears herself away so that she could…rent a video to watch alone? Never mind we’re to believe that in 2012 there’s still a ginormous video store conveniently located near the ‘meeting’ site, but we’re also to believe that she’d rather watch a movie by her lonesome than possibly catch a bite to eat with a man she finds incredibly attractive despite his gigantic protruding tooth? Of course we are.

Movie serendipity, also known as “convenient writing,” steps in so that Lauren can meet bachelor number two. At where else? The movie rental place. Despite calling the player on his game and putting up the Great Wall of China, Lauren finds herself accidentally pitting the two friends together by dating them both. In the face of a gentleman’s agreement on the best man winning, all hell breaks loose as both CIA agents use every government-funded resource at their disposal to spy on Lauren, and one another, to ensure neither get the upper hand.

Once you get into the shenanigans, you can ignore the contrived plot devices and shut off your brain as the action picks up. Director McG (sounds more like a DJ by the way) may try to convince the ladies that this is a standard romantic comedy, but I’m here to tell you that is completely false. It sails more on the bromantic comedy side of things as we quickly come to realize that the story is about two friends who put their friendship to the ultimate test only to find out that they truly belong together…In a non-gay way, of course.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

It becomes clearer that this is more bromantic at the climax, where – shocker! – Lauren learns of the two’s friendship, but instead of the typical rom-com trappings where we have to endure 10 minutes of sadness, pining, and profuse apologies followed by a heartfelt wowing speech that had us at ‘Hello,’ we’re met with explosions and stunt work . . . not that there is anything wrong with that!

As vapid as this movie was, I enjoyed it for the popcorn-flick it turned out to be. So guys, if you want to avoid another romantic comedy with your gals, take them to This Means War . . . and enjoy pulling the wool over their eyes.