“It’s halothane.”

Swift shot:  A Swedish vampire film, complete with awkward attire, dated dialog and a touch of the surreal.  If you are sick of the melodramatic crap America is forcing you to endure – romantic, gift-wrapped vampires – add this to your Netflix instant-play and grab some Absolut, you’ll need it.  Lina Leandersson portrays the wretched creature in a commanding on-screen performance that all aspiring actresses should follow.  Her character, Eli, simply . . . IS – and this little Swedish actress will terrify you with her pragmatic delivery.  At times, you’ll forget she is just wearing a mask for your entertainment.  It’s one of those roles you are pretty sure still stares back at her in the mirror long after director Tomas Alfredson called a wrap.

“Låt den Rätte Komma In” is based on a 2004 novel written by John Ajvide Lindqvist of Sweden.  The novel gained international attention and was finally realized as a film in 2008.  I saw some screen captures of this film via a Facebook acquaintance and decided it deserved a screening, despite the lame title.  Glad I opted in on this one, because it didn’t disappoint . . . mostly.

Immediately, I was drawn to the almost albino teen, Oskar (Kåre Hedebrant) who essentially reminded me a lot of myself at that age . . . brooding and twisted. Living with his mother most of the time and seeing his father occasionally, Oskar lives in the periphery of life.  He has a voyeuristic nature and is a curious spectator to his surroundings.  Oskar is constantly bullied at school by a group of kids not much bigger than him and not much different than him ultimately.

But with one interesting utterance “Squeal like a pig” Oskar attracts a spectre, Eli.  From her first line, she makes it clear that she can’t be friends with Oskar, to which Oskar replies, “What makes you think I want to be friends with you?”  Perhaps it was this small act of defiance that ultimately draws Eli to Oskar – or maybe there is a more sinister desire behind her attraction.  To the outside world, she is all of twelve years old, but inside she is an ancient force, a monster in every sense of the word.  The creature your grandparents warned you about in the woods or the creep up your spine when you think you are alone in some desolate place.

Some of the acting by supporting cast really sucked, even with the subtitles, I can tell a forced delivery when I see and hear it.  The townspeople, notably failed to impress me and cost this one a higher rating – calling you out Peter Carlberg and Ika Nord.  The special effects will underwhelm most American audiences, but it’s clear director Alfredson wanted a subtle, believable approach to the super-natural.  And, really, American audiences are spoiled with the stuff we see nowadays – it was refreshing to see toned down special effects, which turned out to be the creepiest scenes anyway.  I already see the American version, “Let Me In” is going with a more fantastic approach, shame really.

Overall, this film will crawl up your spine and force you to think, is it love that drives Eli, or is it sinister survival.  If nothing else, this film will get you talking with all your horror-film loving friends about what they took from it.  And, oh, be warned, there is some very inappropriate content towards the end that you will NEVER find in an American film.  Don’t say you haven’t been prepared.  Watch this one, then let me hear your comments, was it love or something else?

Magic is science!

***Yen Sid says, click here!***

Read our youngest writer, Taylor’s review – here!

Swift Shot:  Based incredibly loosely on Goethe’s 1797 ballad, Der Zauberlehrling, “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” will keep you entertained throughout its run time.  Though the story-line differs incredibly, and some peons will argue, in their puerile voices, “But it wasn’t REALLY the SORCERER’S APPRENTICE.”  True, it was better!!  Granted, it was all fluff and fantastic cinematography, with an incredibly unbelievable plot, but if you want to enjoy a film this summer, you can’t go wrong.  Or, listen to the other stuffy critics who still shill their mindless crap via something called a “newspaper”.  I am a movie lover, and I loved this movie!!

The saga of three powerful sorcerers unfolds in Britain, 740 AD, as a power vacuum looms when the legendary Merlin finally meets his demise at the hands of the vile Morgana.  As the narrator points out, Merlin entrusted his vast knowledge of sorcery to three pupils – he should have trusted two.  Merlin is ultimately betrayed by Maxim Horvath (Alfred Molina), and a fight for control of the entire planet ensues.  Balthazar and his dedicated lover, Veronica (Monica Bellucci) manage to subdue Morgana in a cascading doll known as the Grimhold.  But, to trap her, Veronica has to join her.

Before Merlin is betrayed, he tells his pupils of a student that will be born, the Prime Merlinian, who can finally defeat the wretched Morgana and her dark followers.  To this end, he grants his pupils immortality, of course, the old buzzard never tells them it will take a century for the Prime Merlinian to appear.

Balthazar finally finds him, tucked away in the obscurity of our modern world, in Manhattan.  Enter, the apprentice, the incredibly reluctant apprentice – I might add – Dave Stutler (Jay Baruchel), whose name alone conjures images of a nebbish dork destined for not much.  Still, the Prime Merlinian, he is, and Balthazar recruits him through relentless pragmatism to help defeat Horvath – of course, Dave had no small part in releasing Horvath – who was also trapped in the Grimhold . . . along with some other nefarious Morganians.  (One of these Morganians is ripped from a modern classic – I won’t say who here.  But, I will say, it brought a twisted grin to my mind).

The reluctant apprentice (come to think of it, that would have been a better title) is a physics student at NYU trying to win the affection of the beautiful “one who floated away” Becky Barnes (Teresa Palmer). The alliteration with her name made me think Stan Lee was somehow involved in creating her character.  Becky was pivotal to the plot, and I really enjoyed watching her on screen, plus, it was a nice nod to all the geeks out there who let their harts get away.

This film was exactly as labeled, an epic, comedy, action film.  Ok, maybe the epic part was a bit much, because it was a great film, but epic, it fell just shy of epic.  The acting was solid, the comedy was perfect, little nods here and there to geeks of the universe were handled in a way that allows the nerd to develop into a somewhat believable hero.

The special effects, well, what can I say, they were solid, but kudos to the whole crew for making that dragon scene in Chinatown so much fun to watch.  Now that scene . . . was EPIC.  Still, a scene does not a film make.

Nicolas Cage brings it as Balthazar, the thousand year old master pupil of Merlin, seeking out Merlin’s heir.  Cage has been accused, yes, by me, of phoning in performances to collect a paycheck, but he really must have loved the original Fantasia, because he did the old man, Walt “Yen Sid” proud!  His character is fun to watch on screen.

Magic is used a lot in the film, and while we are led to believe most people are too dimwitted to catch on that objects are catching on fire or moving about this way and that, it doesn’t really detract from the overall film, in fact, mere mortal gumption comes in handy a few times.  So, I was happy to see that with all the fantastic magic being used, human ingenuity shared a part with the super-natural, in fact, science and magic are not only able to co-exist, you wonder how many weak-minded fools out there still think magic isn’t “real”.  After this film, you might not be converted, but you won’t be disappointed.

I liked how quickly the bad guy adapted to his new world, using modern items in a very lethal sense – you won’t look at that Far Side desk calendar the same way after this film.

What didn’t I like?  I can’t really tell you here without giving away too much.  The ending left a stale taste in my mouth, and you can see most things in the film coming from a mile away.  The villains were inept, because they spent too much time being ostentatious .  You wait this long to attain something, obtain it, don’t cater to the invisible audience so much.  Still, they were lethal and interesting . . . at times.  To get more than four stars though, I want my villains to be more villainous and less showy.

Overall, this is one of those that you gotta see at the box office, waiting for DVD will cheapen the efforts put into this fun film.  I mean, it’s Disney at its best.

Go on, challenge this one? Let’s see how many people can do a nose dive off a 40 ton whale! I know ONE guy who does this off of Orcas for a living, and even he aint crazy enough to pull that stunt off a 40 ton beast. Of course, I haven’t spoken to him in a few days, maybe he got himself a Mazda MX-5. Last time I spoke to him he was kayaking out the back of a C-130, so, who knows?

Swift shot:  Emotional, superb acting and believable performances that will haunt you – sometimes the best horror films aren’t horrors at all.  Sometimes survival is its own hell.  To my brothers in harm’s way, know that you can always rely on the truth – Semper Fidelis.

Took me a long time to finally watch this one, it sat on my desk . . . daring me to open the oddly fastened Netflix sleeve for a whole week.  I was afraid it would be yet another pandering Hollywood sneer at our forward operating troops deployed in combat zones.  It’s hard to pin down if this was an out and out criticism of our efforts overseas, or if it was just a matter-of-fact – War is truly horrible – message film.

Certain elements in the film brought me back to an abandoned rail-station in Albania, where we were debriefing prisoners of the Kosovo conflict and I was reminded of soulless eyes, shells of men, broken hearts and minds – desperate to embrace normalcy. To endure all manner of torture, you must have something to live for, some “other” that keeps you moving when the easiest thing is to just shut down and die.

I have often wondered about those souls, the “survivors” what were their lives like after the war?  Were they able to embrace that normalcy again?  Were their minds so twisted that even the slightest nuance of happiness was robbed from them?  Do they sleep?

This film brought the war home, but the sadness and hostility were underground, buried in some chasm of moral apnea.  Watching Captain Cahill interact with his family before “breaking” and afterward was expertly portrayed by the dedicated Tobey Maguire.  For his dedication to the role, I applaud him; at no time did he disappoint.

Brothers will have you struggling to fathom your own mortality.  Choices we make to survive remind us we are all gonna end up in the dirt.  It is what we live for outside of ourselves that dares us to stand up to death and say with baneful conviction, “Fuck you, death, not today!”

While the juxtaposed sequences danced back and forth between the war and the family, the overall transitions were somehow diluted and less powerful than the rest of the film.  Perhaps some stronger scoring was in order, but overall the film intellectually was stimulating.  The acting, as mentioned earlier, was precise – even the youngest actors were amazing – well disciplined (if you will permit a little jarhead inside joke).

It isn’t easy to talk about the wars, it isn’t something that should be taken lightly.  War is hell; Brothers does a decent job exploring this theme, but it doesn’t have enough balance to be a really incredible film.

I saw the need for this tool, when browsing through the thriller genre on imdb.com.  According to imdb.com, “Date Night” is a “Thriller”

Th®illometer breakdown: I’ll grant that it was an action-comedy, but never do you really feel an element of genuine peril.  Even the normally tense Ray Liotta camped it up to the point where it was like watching the old Batman movie of the 60s – Yo Ho!  To call this a Thriller does a disservice to the genre.  Now, when I was 13 or so, this might have had my adrenaline ramped up to about 4,000 RPMs, but now that I am a salty sea-cucumber it falls to a flat 2, hardly worth shifting gears over.  Still, a fun film, just not a thriller.

So, what comes to mind when you think Thriller?  Michael Jackson?  Zombies doing the electric slide?  To me, it’s John McClane strapping a fire-hose to himself and jumping off the Nakatomi plaza as the whole roof explodes in a fiery crescendo of excitement!

Here is what some of our trusted fans weighed in with:

The clock tower scene at the end of the original Back to the Future – Don via Facebook

Jurassic Park when the kids are being pursued in the kitchen and the raptors attack barely misses the girl – Sergio via Facebook

Stay tuned next week, when we put the action-packed Yentil up against the Th®illometer!  I’m kidding, I still have a lawsuit pending against my mom for making me watch that film when I was a wee child – I am still screwed up from that experience!

But, do stay tuned for more Th®illometer posts each week.  We do requests too, so feel free to contact us: contest@iratefilms.com

Batshit Insane!

***Alpha Mike Foxtrot***

Swift shot: DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN!   It’s like with Jaws’ theme, the minute you hear that tune, you are keyed up, ready to meet “The A-Team”.  This film was a terrific action flick, but don’t go into the theater looking for an intriguing plot.  As a standalone action flick though, this baby was high speed, bullets and brimstone balls to the wall . . . awesome.  But a confused plot and some poor character flaws were distracting and pointless.  But, Mr. T needs to check it out and stop being a fool; I pity him for opting out of this modern nod to a series long since dead.  He should be thanking them, and if you stick around past the credits you’ll see some old faces who appreciated the new A-Team.

Director Joe Carnahan’s style comes out in the opening sequence which provides for all the exposition he thinks you need.  Each character is introduced in a hokey fashion; but the folks who grew up watching the series will find their inner kid thoroughly stoked and I challenge you not to grin as old friends return to your imagination.

Colonel Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson) puts loyalty and team-work above anything else, his plans always come together, but his cockiness could be his undoing . . . or his team’s.

Lieutenant Templeton, Faceman, Peck (Bradley Cooper) is the suave, con-artist and ladies man of the squad – who sometimes thinks with the wrong brain and has a tendency to be shirtless.

B.A. Baracus (Rampage) fills out the squad’s roster as the muscle and mechanic, but his character flaws left me wanting to puke throughout [Strike One].  Everytime they addressed it, I rolled my eyes, thinking to myself, “Is NOTHING sacred anymore?”  Let’s just say, in real life, a team of operators might not be so keen to suit up with Baracus.

Finally, my favorite character from the series, Howling Mad Murdock, played by the foppish South African Sharlto Copley.  If you don’t recognize him right away, you will when he lets that South African accent loose.  I was most concerned I wouldn’t like this new Murdock.  He isn’t anywhere near as crazy as Dwight Schultz, and most of madness is eluded to off-screen . . . still, he has nothing to be ashamed of – kudos Wikus.

Once you meet each character and you get a feel for the pulse of the A-Team, you get flashed forward eight years – into Baghdad.  The U.S. troops are pulling out, and in what can only be construed as an homage to Kelly’s Heroes, there is a black op to obtain some illegal $100 mint plates that Saddam managed to pilfer years before – yet was unable to make use of because our forces destroyed the original mint.  The badguys are well aware of the existence of both the plates and the A-Team’s mission to get them back.  Taking a political jab at Blackwater Security Forces, we are introduced to the Black Forest Security company, men that Hannibal refers to as “Assassins in Polos”.  Hannibal finds their lack of allegiance to anything but the almighty dollar quite disturbing, as loyalty is what keeps him warm at night.  Leading the assassins is the lethally practical Pike (Brian Bloom).

The A-Team is framed for stealing the plates and for murdering a high ranking officer at the base.  But, wait, here is where the film really starts to be fun, they are aided in breaking out of prison to recover the plates from the real culprits.  And what happens as each character is busted out is more fun to watch than the opening sequence.  The writers allowed for each character’s quirks to be more defined as they stewed in prison, again, framed for a crime they didn’t commit.  CIA agent, Lynch (Patrick Wilson) assures them he will clear their names if they just get the plates back.  I almost forgot to mention Jessica Biel’s Character, former Captain Sosa.  She is forgettable, and at times her motives felt weak and unbelievable, her character was tacked on to entice male audiences, period.  Yea, I am a sexist pig, but I am right, and you know it.  Gladly, she doesn’t play a typical damsel in distress like the Team used to encounter on a regular basis in the series.  But, her character was so annoying to me, I felt she got in the way of the shit I wanted to see, action and more action!

What I loved

The action!! There are scenes in this movie that will make you scream out loud . . . bullshit!!!  Still, you won’t care, because it is just too much fun to watch – it’s called entertainment after all.  Never you mind the fact that one split second later and Faceman would have been a splatter on the road or that you can’t loop a helicopter, who cares?  Just sit back and enjoy the craziness.  Don’t tell me you really thought the old series crew could build a tank out of a washing machine, yet you can’t swallow a flying tank in 2010?  Suspend that disbelief, gentle viewer.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, this film is in 3-D too, sorta, you’ll see.

What irked me

They made one of my favorite characters carry around a burden I found annoying, only because a real A-Team would have said, hey buddy, you can sit this one out til ya get over that shit.  No one wants a pacifist in a fighting hole.  When the convoluted plot is unraveled, it is weak and lacking imagination.  I wanted more from Carnahan, considering how wacky his plot was for Smokin’ Aces.  [Strike Two] Hollywood’s go-to badguys filled the slot, please, someone write a script where the badguy is a little old lady with a penchant for drag-racing and RPGs or something novel.

One thing I can guarantee is that the next time you are logged in playing any kind of XBox Live game, when that 12 year old pops you in the head with a sniper rifle, the last thing you will hear is AMF!   It’s gonna be THE phrase of 2010, politically, at work, hell, maybe even at church, but I will wager you will get sick of hearing it soon enough.

Oh, and think this is all just Hollywood BS?  Think again, check out this interesting article about a real A-Team, or Operational Detachments Alpha in action right now!  Either way, check out The A-Team!!

Hope @ChloeGMoretz is pleased with our little back and forth; we tried to grab the elusive @actionchick, but she was kicking ass and taking names – as always.  We’ll get ya next time, Kat.

Click the image below to hear our frank assessment of the movie event of 2010, KICK ASS!

So, check out our first stab at NET infamy, we talk about Mr. Bitey, Fred Armisen vs. Dexter Fletcher and spoilers galore.

Hope you enjoy, and hope to have you join us the next chat.

Check out what Chloe thought of our chat!

Ever wanted to be a superhero?
“You just have to be over optimistic and incredibly naive”

*** click the image for a surprise! ***

Swift shot:  Haven’t had this much fun with my pants on or sober in years!  This movie was the exact opposite of Crazy Heart – if you know anything about me, you know how much I HATED that diarrhea for the mind.  So, Rick, I guess that would make Kick Ass like some kind of anal plug for the mind?  I don’t know, I don’t care – the film was just a blast.  I would recommend it to anyone looking for a break from the typical Hollyweird comic caper rolling out these days.  Even the soundtrack made me wet myself a few times; I clapped like a kid who got the Millenium Falcon for Christmas – yea, it was that good!!!

What can I say about a film that not only doesn’t get all pompous with itself, but manages to be brutally emotional and real while at the same time coming off as hokey.  Since the hokiness was designed, it doesn’t seem to offend your delicate foo foo senses.  At one point Kick Ass manages a dramatic aside and asks would-be critics, “What, like you haven’t seen American Beauty?”  I love those little smacks to the would-be uber-critics who can’t help but shit on something because it doesn’t fit into a nice little homogenized package like Crazy Heart – which again, SUCKED!  (New York Times, I am zeroing in on you from here on out!)

Shit gets real pretty quickly in Kick Ass, set in the “real world” of New York, USA – the film answers a question I asked my dad when I was a kid – ‘Dad, why aren’t there any superheroes in real life?’  ‘Well, son of mine, because then you would have super villains.’  But creator Mark Millar shoves a big balisong knife into that theory – there already are super villains.  It is about time the old adage of evil can only exist if good men do nothing coming to fruition.  Of course in Kick Ass the term “good” is a little subjective.  Still, the Marine in me didn’t lose any sleep watching some of the lessor goons hacked to shredded wheat.  Fuck ‘em!

I read a few of the comics, I got as far as when Big Daddy was introduced and stopped reading – mostly because I wanted to see the film first, not the other way around.  In this case, the film serves as a nice companion piece to the Kick Ass phenomena that took the comic book world by force.

What makes this film not suck like Crazy Heart?

Well, in short, the lifting of the veil of Hollywood bullshit – American plastic coated crap we feed our kids about good always triumphing over evil and bad guys coming with theme music.  Sometimes the most vile enemies come out of nowhere – sometimes they come out of ourselves.   Essentially, much like Indiana Jones, and John McClane (you better know who that is), characters in Kick Ass FEEL everything, and at times the audience feels the harshness of the “real world” too.

In Kick Ass, the bad guys are vicious and real – they aren’t playing games.  If you have shit they want, they take it, period.  If you get in the way, you are going to pay, period.  But, Kick Ass isn’t alone in his quest for right and justice, kinda.  While he wanted to be a superhero to save people, his companions in justice deal out their “good deeds” through vengeance soaked blades and bullets.  But, when justice is simply about vengeance, sacrifice is usually the order of the day.  Director Matthew Vaughn delivers this message quite effectively!

The characters might not have felt completely “real-life” enough, but they were believable when it counted.  Dave, Kick Ass, Leziwski (Aaron Johnson) is a geek through and through, a non-entity at school, not even the funniest one of his friends – he kinda just exists.  He plays that part well as Dave, and when he finally decides to shell out a hundred bucks on a scuba suit and become Kick Ass, as he explains it, like most serial killers will tell you, you can only survive on fantasy for so long . . . eventually you have to get real.

And, real it gets, due to his first encounter being a “superhero”, he winds up learning a valuable lesson, crime pays and heroics get you fucked up – still, his next adventure is a more realistic goal -  to find a lost cat.  Destiny has decided his little superhero stunt should lead to bigger, badder things; however, and he grows as a character and as a hero throughout the film.  His one-dimension tone quickly erodes as he is challenged in every conceivable fashion.

Next on the line-up of do-gooders is Big Daddy (Cage) and his daughter, Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz).  Big Daddy is driven by vengeance for the destruction of his life at the hands of the brutal crime-lord Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong), going so far as to turn that vengeance into a made-up fantasy world for his young daughter – this didn’t buy him parent of the year points in my book, and it’s why I say he was “good” only in the sense that he is trying to rid the world of slime.  Still, let your kid be a kid, man.

Cage plays three characters in this film, Big Daddy, Damon Macready, and  some kind of fantasy-based visage of a comic-book dad so his daughter can more readily accept her persona as his tool for vengeance.  Yes, some critics harped on Cage’s homage to Adam West while carrying out the Big Daddy scenes, but, really, I thought it was no less distracting when Bale scratched and hacked with his voice to sound all gruff and scary (even when he was alone with Morgan Freeman – yea, that bugged the shit out of me).  But remember, uber-critics, Big Daddy was a role for the benefit of his young daughter; it gave her little mind an air of make-believe in a harsh universe.

Christopher Mintz-Plasse plays the newest member of the team, Red Mist, who has all the most expensive toys and a sharp mind, but is his heart really in the game?  Mintz-Plasse (what kind of dude hyphenates his name anyway?) takes a bold chance with this film, he aint exactly McLovin’ but that is all I am gonna say about that.  Well acted considering he was really coming out of his comfort zone of geek-based tomfoolery comedies like Superbad.

This film will not be for everyone.  I heard some dumbass where I work in “real life” let their five year old watch this film!  Talk about poor parenting choices, even Big Daddy might have some words with those dolts.  The theme is set-up as light-hearted and fun in the previews, but while it was fun to watch, it is a dark movie – be forewarned.  People seeking some kind of serious script because it is “real life” need to realize that sometimes even real life can have moments of pure insanity.  The only moments of suspension of disbelief for me was how well Big Daddy and Hit Girl seemed to live in almost a vacuum and believing a little girl could be so damned lethal and efficient wielding so many weapons – still, the film tried to explain that too – but, man, she was the REAL KICK ASS!

I wonder if this film will actually inspire others to don masks and leather to fight crime?  I am all for it, because there is super evil in the world, dad, why can’t we see some super good?  Now, how many people want to kick some ass!?!?

Cheech and Chong’s Hey Watch This will be the maiden voyage for a trendsetting new release model, making the content available Day in Date on every platform including a limited theatrical run, DVD/Blu-Ray availability online and at local retail outlets, Video On Demand service, and even the ability to stream it through your PS3 and Xbox360 Networks all on April 20th.

On 4/20, roll out to a theater near you, or stay home and watch it with some buds.

Click the image for our “video” interview with Mr. Tommy Chong!

For those of you that would rather read the interview, here is a link to that as well – Tommy Chong