Hey Watch This – Coming tomorrow, everywhere!

Cheech and Chong’s Hey Watch This will be the maiden voyage for a trendsetting new release model, making the content available Day in Date on every platform including a limited theatrical run, DVD/Blu-Ray availability online and at local retail outlets, Video On Demand service, and even the ability to stream it through your PS3 and Xbox360 Networks all on April 20th.

On 4/20, roll out to a theater near you, or stay home and watch it with some buds.

Click the image for our “video” interview with Mr. Tommy Chong!

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Adventures in Babysitting – with an adult edge!

Swift shot:  So, if you have seen even one preview (and if you haven’t – you must still use an abacus) you know this is about a bored couple from New Jersey that is bold enough to steal a table reservation at a swanky Manhattan restaurant – and they get more than they bargained for.  Ok, granted, the plot device is a bit weak, but once the comedy knees you awake – literally from the start – you can’t stop laughing every few minutes.  Fey and Carell need to have one of those fucking annoying Hollyweird names, Feyrel?  Carfey?  I dunno, but, they need to keep making shit together, because they blend well – in fact, I would like to stick them in my Magic Bullet and make a spread for my bagel, delicious.  This film was just cheesy goodness, you knew what you were getting when you entered the theater – and it doesn’t disappoint.

What’s the story?

As I mentioned in my shot above, bored couple from the burbs dares to snag table reservations and winds up in deep doo doo.  The exposition on characters Phil (Carell) and Claire (Fey) is brief but you learn more about them through their zany antics.  Yes, there are zany antics, again, did you SEE a preview?

He is a numbers cruncher, tax attorney and she is a real estate broker – together, they are The Fosters, parents and straight-laced card-carrying members of the monotony club and a weekly ritual called Date Night.  It is never explained why they started a Date Night . . . is this one of those things that all bland couples engage in?  I mean, the movie does a brilliant job of showing how a ritual to spark spontaneity is a fruitless effort, because even that becomes a loveless chore. Where the intent was to spark some romance and passion, eventually both parties want to just soak in a pool draped in velvet.  After dealing with numbers and dolts all day, who has the energy to venture into the city?

But, one night at a friend’s house, for a book-club, which apparently the neutered Mr. Foster has to endure because it is “important” to his wife, they discover the hosts are splitting up.  They appear to be extremely happy with this decision and The Fosters both fear that if this happy couple, played by the under-used Kristen Wiig and Mark Ruffalo, can’t make it work – well, who the hell can?  The next Date Night, Claire dons a sexy dress which steps up Phil’s game; he is set to impress her to a late night jaunt into Manhattan.

Their encounter with the host of Claw, “You’re Welcome” is pretty good comedy, and it leads them to eventually snag the table of the no-shows, The Tripplehorns.  They eventually run into some trouble, and here is where I couldn’t help but directly compare it to Adventures in Babysitting.  It was like an older model of the same film – with a modern fuck-it-all edge.  This Date Night turns into a wonderful mis-adventure for The Fosters.  They encounter cops, thugs, gangsters, strippers, cab drivers, corrupt politicians, all the menagerie that Manhattan has to offer.  You’ll enjoy watching them try to survive this one magical night in the city that never sleeps.

Why I laughed twenty-eight times

Carell is the master of playing the dry stooge and Fey is his girl-Friday (yes, Tina, I went there, deal with it – score one for chauvinism) who gets by with a razor sharp wit of one-liners she must keep stored in her fart riddled shoe-box.

The mix of dry, dorky delivery and balls up feminine savvy lends well to the overall results.  You will laugh, and even if you are uber-pretentious (you know who you are) there are scenes that will at least make your stiff-ass grin.  I mean, come on, the world will be over in 2012, LAUGH you cretin.

I loved the little game The Fosters created as they dodged the boredom slowly stifling their marriage . . . their creative people watching routine at dinner. Loved the ad-libbed one-liners too, and you know they are ad-libbed because they show you out-takes during the credits, and not the annoying kind where you have to WAIT for the whole friggin scroll to go by, the immediate out-takes!

The movie doesn’t fail to entertain at all, there are some 80s references for nerds like me, and maybe you, and even a bit of a twist thrown in – let’s see if you are paying attention and catch it.  Of course, when dorkiness is used to set the humor, you have to have a stud and a vixen to juxtapose the awkwardness of the lead stooges.  Enter Holbrooke (Wahlberg) as the shirtless black-ops bad-ass, and his bottomless friend, Natanya (Gal Gadot).  They show how foppish The Fosters are and of course there are cameos by James Franco, as Taste and his girl, Whippit (Mila Kunis), who reminds you how straight-laced The Fosters really are.

Still, there is a lot of action. for a simple zany comedy.  A great chase scene, which I call the LOVE-BUG chase scene, and there are no VWs involved – nor Lohans.  You’ll see what I mean fairly quickly into the chase.

One scene, where The Fosters have to dance their way out of a situation reminded me of one of those SNL skits that starts off poorly, goes on too long and is simply crap.  They manage to salvage it at the end, but it is clear the chemistry of Feyrel was strained in this scene, which, oddly comes off as a pivotal moment in the adventure.  So, Date Night loses points for that scene and some inept acting by supporting cast members, Ray Liotta looked like he was punching a time-card and could care less about being professional, a far cry from his awesome performance in the recent Observe and Report.

Still, watching The Fosters grow as a couple willing to do anything to survive their Date Night is a treat.  And, like I said before, go see it, laugh, don’t worry about the crippling economy, terrorists, nukes, crooked Congressmen, right-wing whackos, left-wing loons or any other silliness – just enjoy this one with a nice glass of Pinot.  And remember, never toast on an empty glass!

“Interesting”

Swift shot: This is a new version of the old classic, with epic special effects and immersing performances by all cast members.  Still, it didn’t manage to really capture my heart like the original; it will disappoint die-hard fans of the classic in several places.  Where director Louis Leterrier tried to sparkle with novel approaches to familiar scenes, but it was like eating a low-fat Twinkie – what’s the point?  Why mess with these scenes?  This new version kills the momentum and destroys child-like memories of the original.  Simply put, just because something looks better, doesn’t mean it tastes better.  Clash of the Titans 2010 will leave you disgruntled and hungry for the classic!

What is it about?

Demi-god Perseus (Sam Worthington) and his winged steed, Pegasus, almost an afterthought in this version, are on a quest to kill the Kraken.  Perseus is the son of Zeus (Liam Neeson) and a mortal queen (some hottie), though the queen had no idea she was tricked into bedding Zeus who took the form of her husband.  The king, Acrisius (Jason Flemyng) disgraced and betrayed by Zeus, sends Perseus to die in Poseidon’s seas – but the gods protect him and see to it that he lives to fulfill his destiny – to destroy the only thing that even the gods fear, the Kraken!

The Queen of Argos, Cassiopeia (Polly Walker) has dared to claim her daughter Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) is more beautiful than even the goddess Aphrodite.  Given that these gods and goddesses are the most vain creatures in the universe, they can’t let that slight go unpunished.  So, naturally, these omnipotent creatures decide to wipe out their creations and start again.  An interesting twist though, the gods feed off of man’s love, or fear, to survive as gods. So, to destroy man, is to destroy themselves.

Enter Perseus, the perfect solution to Zeus’ dilemma, like most great heroes, a half-ling of the competing factions.  As Zeus struggles with his decision to destroy man, or at least Argos, his brother Hades (Ralph Fiennes) is plotting to thrive off of mortal’s fear – not love.  So fear vs. love is the central theme of Titans.  The morality of the gods rarely really ever comes into play, which I think the original did a much better job of portraying. While the struggle and the politics of the gods is touched on, the classic’s gods felt more alive – and less sparkly!  Whoever decided to make Zeus sparkle like a damned Twi-god, I hope the REAL Zeus visits you in the form of an anal slug.

So, you be the judge, is it to be Zeus’ mercy or Hades’ wrath that draws man back to the gods?  Or, can man stand on his own feet and shun the gods once and for all, as they sit high on Olympus and judge and seduce mortals?  How will Perseus destroy the very thing even the gods fear?

Why I was disgruntled

I have always loved this story, the quest, putting your ass on the line for something bigger than yourself, of course in THIS version, vengeance is the main force driving the quest, not love.  Perseus witnesses Hades kill his adoptive family and is bent on retribution for their loss.  So, I guess the director was tired of focusing on love from the original, a very important part before which quite literally gets tacked on to the end of Clash of the Titans 2010.  Fear and wrath, in this case – the opposite of love – leads the way.

My favorite characters and scenes were sliced to mere grains of sand in the vast desert of this film’s “epic” special effects.  Yes, they were “riveting” and “spine-tingling” quite amazing in some places and a force to be reckoned with if that is all that you love, then so be it, lap it up like scorpion blood.  If a film lacks substance where it counts, I don’t care how cool it looks in theaters or at home.  I have always been a function over form guy.

The new generation of fans will love this film and tell us old-fogies to shove it up our butts.  I can’t say I disagree wholeheartedly, taken on its own merit, this is a fine film, but I can name several scenes that I could prove to these youngins destroyed the film for me.

As I mentioned earlier, Zeus’ sparkling was overdone and unnecessary, there were some incredibly cheesy moments – of course us old fogies had the clock-work owl, but somehow it didn’t come across as complete cheese to our adolescent minds.  Who knows, maybe Siskel and Ebert tore the 1981 film to shreds for being cheesy too?

The scenes I loved as a kid were all there, for the most part, yet even though they looked so much better and I even found empathy for Medusa, the Gorgon, a creature who terrified me as a child, missing was the sheer terror and tension of the original confrontation.  When you see it, you will know what I mean.  The witches scene was far too brief, certain characters were lost and others added that I didn’t care for.

Even the heroine changes in 2010, enter Io (Gemma Arterton) who acts as the guide and moral compass for Perseus and his men.  She is a sort of limbo soul, trapped on the earth for, guess what, refusing a god.  These gods need to stop seducing our women!

Io was an interesting character, a beauty on screen, and a bad-ass too boot.  Really?  Hollyweird just couldn’t accept the damsel in distress theme, they had to ratchet it up a notch and add a female ass kicker.  I thought Medusa played that part quite nicely myself, but, whatever, this isn’t MY Clash of the Titans – you can have it, kids.   I prefer the original, in all its cheese.

Bottom line for Clash of the Titans, save your 3D money for another film, don’t go into it expecting certain memories from the past to stay intact – you will be INCREDIBLY disappointed if you do.  Have an open mind, experience it as a new angle to your old classic.

“It’s funny, the little coincidences in life.”

Swift shot:  I hate to use the tired old, “I wasn’t expecting much, so I was pleasantly surprised” – so, let’s try something fresh.  I was expecting Leonidas and Rachel Green to suck, royally.  I was expecting chemistry to be so off, only Mrs. Chanandler Bung re-enacting Shelly Winters drowning in Poseidon Adventure could force me not to gouge out my eyes with a theater straw.  So, yea, it didn’t suck that bad, I must admit I enjoyed watching all the character actors really strut their stuff and take charge.  I don’t think I could have worked with Butler without at least one, THIS IS SPARTA, between takes – or with Aniston without one, WTF was Brad Shitt thinking?  So, kudos to those that held their own.

Character actors really saved this film, because while the chemistry wasn’t complete crap between Aniston and Butler, it was a tad . . . off.  It’s hard when two iconic actors try to shed their skin and delve into “zany” roles.  I think zany is probably the hardest type of character to play when you are the lead, and few do it without coming across like immature clods.

Swift note: For those that don’t know, character actors are those poor souls in Hollyweird who look a certain way, act a certain way, and really don’t deviate from that throughout their careers.  My favorite character actor in The Bounty Hunter is Siobhan Fallon, you know her as the weird bus driver at the end of Forrest Gump, or the woman unfortunately married to Vincent D’Onofrio, who later becomes an “Edgar Suit” in MIB, or a few of you from New in Town, which she really nailed imho.  So, she is a character actor, got it now?  Good, I have no patience for dimwits.

So, why didn’t it suck?  Quite simply, the pacing and transitions, and the story was for the most part, tangible.  When the film starts Milo Boyd (Butler) is chasing down a bond-jumper at a Fourth of July parade, Milo used to be a cop but because of his ambitious, smoking hot wife, he quit the force.  Or as he tells it, he “allowed himself to be fired” so that he wouldn’t have to compete with his now, ex-wife, Nicole Hurley (Aniston).

Nicole is a ballsy, creative reporter for this aged media called a “newspaper”, you can read all about them on wikipedia.  She had a little scuffle with a law enforcement officer, of sorts, that earned her a visit before a judge.  Judges, by and large, don’t like being stood up, especially not by know-it-all reporters.  So, as Nicole tracks down a lead outside the courthouse, the judge declares a bench warrant for her arrest.  Of course, Milo pulls the detail, and gets the dream job of hauling in his ex-wife for a 5K bounty.

Milo knows his ex quite well, and being a “damned good cop” – yes, I am sure that was uttered at one point – he quickly tracks up with her.  But, she is in real peril, or the closest to real peril that a PG-13 rating can bring.  Ok, not even that close really, more like a PG rating for the violence, or lack thereof.  Still, it had really funny moments and Jason Sudeikis’ character was so dedicated to his cause, you just couldn’t help but root for him on some level.

If you want to see a fast-paced, gritty action comedy, this isn’t it.  There is little real drama, a bit of light romance, a predictable, yet unpredictable ending, and clever directing by Andy Tennant.  If you have followed his other stuff, you know what to expect from The Bounty Hunter – and you won’t be disappointed.  Like I said before, it didn’t suck, but it also doesn’t manage to impress throughout.  It’s a decent date movie though.

Hardly “Carroll’s” Alice!

Swift shot:  Colorful and dark, a new twist on the Alice tales of “Lewis Carroll”.  My exposure to Alice in Wonderland is pretty slim, I saw the original Disney film when I was a kid and loved the Cheshire Cat and remember thinking Alice was a bit of a spoiled brat.  But, legends change with time – Burton does a good job keeping the primary elements intact.  The dynamic world of Underland, as it is supposed to be called, feels more alive than ever – but sadly the 3D effect had little to do with that phenomena and more with the powerful use of colors and characters.

Alice in Wonderland reminds us all what it is like to be yourself, reckless and free of the prohibitions placed on us by society – in a time when women were to be seen and not heard, and certainly never trusted, Alice soon finds herself torn in both reality and in Wonderland faced with the dilemma of not meeting up to everyone’s expectations of her.  What is a girl to do?  Even in her fantasy world she is falling short, as everyone keeps reminding her she is “the wrong Alice”.

What is it about?

The soon-to-be-twenty, Alice Kingsleigh (Mia Wasikowska) is bound for a garden party, a surprise affair set up so her secret admirer, Lord Hamish, may propose to her in front of all of their peers.  Hamish, whose foppish appearance screams of Alfred E. Newman all grown up essentially commands Alice to meet him under the gazebo so that he may claim her hand.  Asking isn’t something lords are accustomed to, especially not during Carroll’s day.   Alice, in a panic, darts off claiming she has seen a white rabbit and must find out where it is going.

Alice is quickly brought to a rabbit hole and, despite terrible nightmares wherein she falls down into a rabbit hole, peers into it and, wouldn’t ya know it – she falls into the hole.  Not too bright, this Alice.  When she falls through the hole, what you should get is an amazing 3D experience, but because everything is happening so fast, you will get special effects soup, as I call it.

The human eye can only focus on so many things at once, and with her dizzying descent into the hole, objects swish by her, and you, so fast – they get lost to the eye.  I imagine shedding the 3D specs might have helped. And, unless you need to see spears thrust at you later on in the movie, in a cheesy attempt to warrant 3D, just pass on the 3D stuff – I can’t emphasize that enough, as I wish I had NOT seen it in 3D at all.  If anything, it will detract from your overall immersion with the story – hardly the director’s intent.

Alice is soon encountering all manner of odd creature and, of course, just about everything can talk to her – and does.  She is not exactly welcomed with warmth, more apathy and suspicion that the white rabbit snagged the “wrong Alice”.  Alice doesn’t really think any of this is real, so she decides she might as well enjoy her stay in this odd dream land, constantly reminding her new “friends” that they don’t exist anyway.  She soon finds out how very real all of these characters are as she is relentlessly pursued by the Red Queen’s evil Knave, Stayne (played by an actor who is a blast from the past – so I won’t reveal it here).

Alice must battle with inner doubts about her principles outweighing the safety of her new friends, and she must prove to everyone that she is the right Alice.  She is to be a champion for a task so impossible, that not even her deceased father, the dreamer, could have imagined it for her.  But, as he used to tell her each night she woke from her little nightmares, nothing is impossible . . . certainly nothing is impossible in this Burton re-telling of Alice in Wonderland.

Why do I care?

So, why go see another Alice tale?  What makes this any different or any better than the countless other Wonderlands out there?  Quite simply, Tim Burton – he manages to create a masterful rendition of Alice in Wonderland using darker tones and subtle hints of the old classic Disney cartoon. The characters in Alice in Wonderland come alive due to the almost seamless special effects, whilst all the characters have something a tad “off” about them, they don’t seem unreal – more dreamlike.  A lucid dream that you wake up from knowing that the characters are real and you can call them up on some sort of imagination rolodex at your leisure.

Depp and Carter both become their respective other selves in a haunting fashion, it’s what I would expect from both of them – and they don’t disappoint.  Newcomer, Mia Wasikowska is simply the perfect choice for this new Alice, a bit bratty yet practical and determined to settle things her way, regardless of the expectations of others.  All of the characters will leave a little something in your heart before you slip off to sleep, and you will find yourself wondering what kind of magical characters are waiting for you, in your own personal Wonderland.   After all, impossible is just a word, and a dream is simply the way we defeat the impossible.

To say what I didn’t like about Alice in Wonderland would be a bit of a spoiler, so, let’s just say the end left a lot to be desired for how quickly things were assumed and wrapped up as though everyone was in Wonderland with Alice.  Still, I enjoyed the story and it was a more grown-up version of the Alice I remember from all those years ago.  I would highly recommend you venture down the rabbit hole and enjoy Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, today.

Swift note:  We managed to steal a new writer from across the pond who already screened Alice in Wonderland for our UK audience, but I wanted to reveal them both at the same time, to give you a chance to see a Yank’s perspective vs. a Brit’s.  So, please have a look at our newest member of the team, Krystal Sim’s offering of Burton’s Alice.

Isvand i blodet! – Ice to your blood! “Peer Gynt”

Swift shot: Demented and hilarious, surreal and somehow believable – Dead Snow shocks and demands a viewing.  You won’t be amazed, but you will not soon forget Dead Snow.  Simple concept from start to finish but the cinematography is unbelievably choice.  The pure white snow provides the perfect contrast to the carnage and carnal evil of the thick red darkness haunting Øksfjord.  I am going to follow all of director Tommy Wirkola’s stuff from now on, I am impressed!

Like many typical zombie Nazi flicks, this one starts off with a group of horny friends going to a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere – but, unlike America, this is REALLY the middle of nowhere – I googled it, because I couldn’t remember if I hit Øksfjord on my NATO tour of Norway.  Turns out, I did, but that is all classified and shit.

Yes, you can hack this script at places as so cliched you will be looking for the Nazi zombies, or zombie Nazis (take your pick) to don hockey masks.  Still, where it isn’t cliche, it really serves up some hefty portions of meaty goodness.  In fact, the director pokes fun of this right off the bat, with this line,  “How many movies start with a group of friends on a trip to a cabin with no cell phone signal?” I loved that, because I don’t consider myself a real critic, just a lucky SOB who gets to share his thoughts with my overwhelming network of friends.  Also, I love when characters reference pop culture, because, hey that is the way real people talk all the time.

What is it about?

Eight friends have arranged to meet in the middle of nowhere at a family cabin way up near the border of Russia. (That isn’t classified, because such as the Iraq, and such as, people who have maps such as can find it)  If these crazy pop-ins of pop-culture are making you want to pop your eyes out with a cheese knife, I apologize – but the screenwriters used pop-culture throughout the film to help flesh out the characters a bit.  I mean, you want to see authentic Norwegian dialog, here it be.  And, goofy sweaters aside, they could be your friends down the road.

These particular friends are all medical students, and they have decided to take a breather from their studies and basically hang out, drink beer, reminisce and maybe get laid a few times – I love Norway.  But, each character has their own little quirks that make them stand out, and because this film is subtitled sometimes it is hard to really immerse yourself in a foreign film.

You have the two movie geeks, one is hot, Chris (Jenny Skavlan), and one is not, Erlend (Jeppe Laursen).  They quickly get reprimanded for movie quoting early on, which I loved – because I have had several friends say, Jesus, can’t you have a thought WITHOUT referencing a damned movie?  Martin (Vegar Hoel)  is a squeamish leader of the pack, a medical student who nearly faints at the sight of a drop of blood.   Hanna (Charlotte Frogner) is his girlfriend, and she has issues with tight spaces.  Liv (Evy Kasseth Røsten) is not Maria Bello, but damn she looks like her to me, and I couldn’t focus on her character much more beyond that – because the resemblance was weirding me out, watching Maria Bello speak Norwegian.

Co-screenwriter Stig Frode Henriksen rounds out the main group of characters with Roy.  Roy is your basic dude, doesn’t stand out much, except that you can tell he is a writer and not an actor.  Sorry man, but you know it too, ikke sant?  Vegard (Lasse Valdal) and Sara (Ana Dahl Torp) are the couple that put the whole trip into motion, the cabin belongs to Sara’s family and she insists in going through the woods cross-country skiing, literally.  Vegard is more practical, he has a badass snowmobile, which only becomes more badass throughout – and you will love his character.

When they get to the cabin, they soon encounter a creepy old guy who tells them about the Nazis at Øksfjord who unlike other places “didn’t get along well with the local population” – you know, because Nazis are always confused with playing well with others – so he had to clarify that point.  Turns out the Nazis stole a bunch of gold and silver from the locals before razing the entire area in a scorched earth campaign, but the locals didn’t go down without a fight – Viking blood and all that.  That is all you really need to know about what is it about, as you can guess the rest from there.

Colonel Herzog (Ørjan Gamst), leads the Nazi zombies, or zombie Nazi horde with a chilling demeanor.  I found out Ørjan Gamst shared a beer in Alta with a friend of mine from Stavanger.  I wish it had been me, because I would have asked Ørjan, wait, were you the leader of the zombie Nazis or Nazi zombies?  And, then I would have laughed as he caught the reference to the South Park episode, Pirate Ghosts or Ghost Pirates – right before he fed me my entrails and played with my eyeballs – just so I could watch him eat the rest of me – yea, on second thought – not so sure I would want to have a beer with that guy.

Why do I care?

The transformation of the key characters is fun to watch, as each faces their own little personal demons whilst battling and fleeing from the Nazi zombies.  Come on, don’t we ALL have Nazi zombie issues?  Isn’t there something eating at you?

The gore is wonderful to behold, it is very much like the Norwegian version of Shaun of the Dead . . . yet twice as fun.  The creative way people are killed was masterful in uniqueness.

The soundtrack was pure Norwegian, even the opening sequence booms Grieg’s In the Hall of the Mountain King, you Americans will recognize it immediately – and now you have some culture thanks to Rick Swift.  It isn’t just for Needful Things anymore.

I liked that the violence wasn’t quick and simple, people and zombies take a long time to die, no cheesy sequences of people hearing a blast, clutching their chest and dropping like all of Lieutenant Dan’s dead relatives.   All the brutality in this film reminded me just how much violence the human body can take before it finally gives up and accepts death.  Not one of these characters died well.  One cliff hanging scene in particular left me holding my gut and exclaiming, Holy Shit!

I want to watch this one with all my friends, drinking pils and talking about the Simpsons and simpler times. It is a fun, fuck-it-all film for the audience to cringe with and laugh with and there is even a little twist thrown in to make things more fun for horror movie buffs.  So, if you have Netflix, watch it on instant view now, if you don’t, rent it – tonight!

It’s where we create the ghosts

Swift shot: Mentally intriguing suspense mystery worthy of Hitchcock.  Coming off the success with The Departed and flexing his mental muscles a bit more, dabbling in subtle tones of darkness and despair, Marty delivers a fine film for those that miss the classic thrillers.  Shutter Island has a lot going on, and you need to pay attention to pry out the nuances of brilliance throughout.

The film opens with a rocky ferry ride to Ashecliffe Hospital, a kind of mental hospital with armed guards, a prison for the criminally insane – think Arkham Asylum meets The Rock.  U.S. Marshall Teddy Daniels (DiCaprio), witness to the most despicable scenes of World War II, is sent to the island in 1954 to locate a missing patient who seemingly vanished from her cell without a trace.  He is paired with a new partner, Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo) who never leaves his side throughout the investigation.  The escaped mental patient, Rachel is cunning and deadly, but how did she manage to leave her cell?  Did she have help escaping?  Is there someone on the inside working against the investigation?

There are so many different themes in Shutter Island, and the intrigue and suspense are strangely believable, clues are given to the investigators and the audience as more pieces of the puzzle are revealed  – but these pieces just seem to add to the frustration.  Something dark and sinister is going on at Ashecliffe Hospital, with so many secrets, so many ghosts, too many lies and dark whispers creating traumatic nightmares making it impossible to discover the truth.

Why are the OSS (current CIA) and other federal agencies consulting with the staff?  What could macabre, diabolical geniuses do with limitless power?  What kind of traps could they set, and are they on the side of evil?  These are the questions you will continually find yourself churning in your head – just what is going on at Ashecliffe Hospital?

Incredibly well acted film, as you would expect from Marty Scorsese.  Cameos abounded in Shutter Island, and one in particular brought back some guttural personal feelings I haven’t had watching a film since Silence of the Lambs.  Shutter Island is full of ghosts, actors I thought had passed on, if not from the Earth, then clearly from the public arena.  Of course, for Scorsese, they were more than willing to make a dramatic return – much to my dark delight.

You will be entertained and you will be discussing this movie for months with your friends.  Why doesn’t this get five stars?  While the concept and delivery of the film were brilliant, I can’t say I didn’t find loopholes that left me mentally agitated afterward.  Most stories are like this, of course, because they are works of fiction, and I would have liked to see some more character impact from some of the cameos and a little less from other characters.  Can’t call this one flawless for that reason, and that reason alone – otherwise, an amazing piece of film that you must treat yourself to.

A dynamic dirge for the weary soul, for the travelers who live in violence and who understand its brutal, yet efficient, applications.  Things are never quite what they seem, and the music and memories of the past will remind you of a dark episode in your own lives perhaps – when justice and vengeance met at a cross-roads, and where the truth set you free.

Waste of a soul

Swift shot: I don’t care.  It was boring, full of cliches and hack writing.  Jeff Bridges can act, and clearly taking on a terrible script and making it “shine” is what passes for Academy gold these days.  Based on that caveat alone, Bridges should get the Oscar, but to quote Metallica, “So Fucking What?”  Yes, Metallica is more my speed, but I can appreciate a good film regardless of genre.  Crazy Heart is one of those movies that everyone is telling you that you are supposed to like, so, if you don’t what the hell is your problem?

It’s about a loser, a sell-out, a drunk and an overall boring washed up country music singer (and I use that term loosely).  It starts off with little promise and only gets worse from there.  Tepid, like the piss he transports with him in his Silverado, or was it a Suburban, yea, who cares?  Nothing remotely interesting happens in this film!  And, if you think it does, god-damned, you are an incredibly boring person, go live a little.

No one is really ever challenged in any significant (believable) way, and when there are challenges, all the characters conveniently solve them within one montage – if only life were so damned simple.  Hey, I have fucked my my whole life, guess I just need to fish with Robert Duvall and join the happy tree friends for an AA meeting and voila, no more problems – AWESOME!

This character has the soul of a sociopath sans the whimsy and cutting up of coeds.  Yes, again, I wanted a lot more out of this script.  It was like being God and randomly flipping through your rollodex to check on one of your creations, and instead of having mercy on him and dropping a stage-light on his head, you keep him alive for some sick amusement – which even you don’t understand.  In fact, it was very much like watching bad Mexican TV in a dilapidated hotel room, so damned uninteresting it becomes like a laxative for your mind.  So, you are God, and just sitting there watching this loser’s life and thinking, man I should turn this off, but then I would have to get up and readjust my nads.

I get this a lot, but, Rick, you didn’t tell me what the movie was about . . .  so, go read a synopsis!  Fine, it was about a washed up has been, who sells out his integrity and is so selfish he can’t do one thing without regard to his immediate gratification.  He meets a young philly who happens to be smitten with him for some reason that I will never understand.  He has some cliche lines about being on the road, living the life of a traveler, regrets not seeing his son for twenty-four years (sound familiar, The Wrestler) returns home, fishes, and does the one thing his love-interest (Maggie Gyllenhaal) asks him not to do.

Let’s talk about “demographic” here, shall we?  My detractors will say, “well, that just wasn’t Rick Swift’s scene daddy-o” (because that is how I imagine my detractors talk, like hepcats).  Bullshit, I find myself watching all manner of film in my life, and appreciating a vast variety of the cornucopia of the industry.  In Norway I taught myself how to leser Norsk (read Norwegian) by watching Swedish movies with Norwegian subtitles, after several hours of Major Dad marathons with Norwegian subtitles, whilst hearing  English.  I love Swedish films, Danish films, German, French, you name it, I like films about angst, drama, passion, deceit, conflict, you know INTERESTING themes.

But, dear reader, Crazy Heart was vapidly exhausting and mind-numbing rubbish, void of anything worthwhile, except that Bridges really does (dry heave) BECOME Bad Blake – and . . . who cares?

I am starting to sound like H-Man when he rips into a Bin Bilger here, but, my level of detestation for this film knows no bounds.  See, that was kind of a cliche, you could make a whiskey shot drinking game out of every cliche in Crazy Heart – in fact, DO IT, maybe something REMOTELY interesting will happen to you during the game.! You know that Navy commercial, “If someone wrote a story about your life . . . would anybody read it?”   Life is short, please don’t waste 112 minutes watching this crap.

Sound the trumpet!

Swift shot:  Didn’t suck, was fun and I liked the overall premise.  What I could have lived without is seeing an Angel do battle with a machine gun, but, it was a fresh approach on biblical combat. This is the kind of film you just sit back and enjoy, don’t rip it to shreds and you will have a good experience.  If you want to shred it though, it would be easier than the Holy Divinity sending a legion of angels and his archangel, Gabriel (Kevin Durand) to smite an unborn infant – oh, wait, that isn’t so easy, apparently.

Enter Michael, and he isn’t John Travolta, smashing heads with a bull in some field, puffing feathers like some kind of lame twittering bird.  This Michael, Paul Bettany, slams to the Earth and in a dramatic self-flagellation scene, literally rends his wings from his back . . . and stitches them up using a mirror. You get an immediate understanding that God is the bad-guy in this film, so if you have no flexibility in your faith, you might want to check out 10Things I Hate About Christianity, it helps put things in perspective.

I held a contest for free movie passes wherein I asked people to explain why humanity should be spared from God’s wrath, someone suggested www.cuteoverload.com and even Cheeseburgers as reasons for letting us live – I am sure the PETA people would beg to differ, but . . . I digest. (That’s from Family Guy you knuckleheads)

I really enjoy movies about theology, even bad ones can be mildly amusing if handled in a fresh way.  And when you meet the sympathetic character in Legion, Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) doesn’t even have compassion for herself.  Charlie is a pregnant woman who smokes – I mean, she might as well be Hitler!  But, in order to show her transformation, she needs to start somewhere, and really the gutter is as good a place as any, right?

The other characters are quickly under siege by weak-minded people who allow themselves to be possessed by angels – critical aside, apparently everyone in the diner in Paradise Falls is immune somehow, or are they?  There were a lot of poor dialog choices in Legion.  The kind that make you want to to scream at the screen, come on, you can do so much better than that line, especially famous last words.

Still, this film had one gem I enjoyed tremendously.  When Bob (Dennis Quaid) is asked why he keeps carrying around an old zippo lighter now that he doesn’t smoke anymore, he replies, “I’m sentimental, my ex-wife gave it to me, and I want to remember how much I hate her.”  Nicely put!  But moments that could have been downright scary came across as lame, no Lame (with a capital L) – when you see it you will know right away which sequence I am speaking of, I think it was a nod to Chucky, but it just sucked, truly abysmal.

Keep an open mind, have fun with it, don’t be so damned critical and you will enjoy it.  Remember what it was like to just sit back and enjoy a film?  That is what this film was like for me, I just sat back and casually enjoyed it.  It had kind of a Demon Night meets Diner feel to it, but, if you take it for what it is, it ‘aint too shabby.