“So, you lied?  You weren’t a minute late . . . you were two minutes late?”

Swift shot: Filthy, fantastic, & funny – it’s “9 to 5″ meets “Strangers on a Train”.  I laughed to the point of pain in quite a few places, and I enjoy these kinds of summer check your brain at the door type comedies.  Overall a decent effort by all involved, and I was not a fan of Charlie Day, until now – he certainly carried his part with a not too shabby script and at least one leading comic strongman to contend with in Bateman.  And, with comedy, more than any other acting arena, timing is everything, and chemistry with an ensemble cast is a must.  The triplicate team of Bateman, Sudeikis and Day was an odd, yet effective mashing of different styles that somehow worked.

To say this was an overtly raunchy comedy is like saying “A Clockwork Orange” was only slightly disturbing, competing with this year’s Hangover Part II is no easy hurdle, so when you can’t outwit someone, out-sleaze them – seemed to be quite effective with Anniston’s scenes especially.  I almost feel like I am spoiling something by telling you that even salty sea-dogs may turn red a few times with her character’s ridiculous slut-bag behavior . . . especially considering she is supposed to be hot for Dale played by Charlie Day.

On that note, Jason Sudeikis’ character, Kurt is apparently gifted with not only a silver tongue but a lightning fast closure speed, in one scene he seduces and slams in less than ten minutes, all while another character is spilling some beans (shall we say) of his own. Yea, if THAT line offended you, please, avoid this film, because you are too delicate and foo-foo to enjoy the comedy.  I found it hard to swallow that Dale or Kurt would be so incredibly smooth with the fairest sex.

Kevin Spacey, what, like I NEED to say anything else here?  Colin Farrell, well, you’ll certainly hate his character enough to enjoy his fate.  And there are a few other cameos that I won’t ruin here, suffice to say you’ll recognize them when you see them.  Seth Gordon directed, he’s already a director to keep in your cross-hairs, Horrible Bosses didn’t suck, and he has comedy down.  Brett Ratner, our local hero, produced this film, and I always laugh at his shit and this was no exception.

With all this epic raunchy action happening you might miss some key moments that actually force you to pay close attention in the film, I was so caught up in the moments and laughing my ass off that I missed at least a couple things, so you had a kind of Shamalyian twist effect at the end, let me clarify that and say that was a HINT to what you should be paying attention to.  You’ll enjoy this adult film, but, please don’t be an idiot and let your kids see this one, not til they are old enough to drive at least.

At the end, you may just find yourself wondering . . . is my boss the Total Fucking Asshole, Evil Crazy Bitch, Dipshit Cokehead Son, or Twisted Old Fuck?  Me, I love my boss – because I AM THE BOSS!  And, Sergio Diaz, if you are late to Harry Potter I will eat your dog!!!  And, if you don’t have one, I will provide you one just so I can make good on that promise.  

Mechanical mayhem. . . delivered

Swift shot: This was the best and worst Transformers film to date.  Best, because the action was intense and emotional, worst because the cheese and in-your-face sexiness was heavily grated on top of everything.  This is another film that is a must see for theaters; there is a reason they call these things Summer Blockbusters folks – seeing them at home for the first time is just not right.  No doubt Michael Bay has every hope you will rush into theaters and do just that, and to his credit, he answered many previous critics in this one . . . but he is sure to gain more for his perversion of a classic, dare I say immortal, geek line that is painful to endure considering the character and the context in which it is used.

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” starts in space, a battle rages on Cybertron, home planet to the transformers race.  With a fight over the most basic rights, Freedom vs. Tyranny – no surprise the Autobots are on the side of Freedom.  Alas, they are no match for the swarms of Decepticons.  So, in a last desperate maneuver of hope, they send a lone ship with the key to saving Cybertron within its confines.  The Autobot leader, Sentinel Prime can’t elude destruction and has to crash onto Earth’s moon.  Images reach NASA and JFK decides we have to beat the Russians to the crash site – at first it is believed to be a meteor, in fact it is Sentinel Prime’s ship, “The Ark”.  Right away you could start your eyes rolling, or you could just go with it and enjoy – I chose the latter as I did throughout most of the two-hour and forty minute long film.

Flash forward to the present, and we see Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is getting a lucky bunny from his incredibly gorgeous new blonde flame, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) whose entrance was definitely worthy of the Real 3D!  She met Sam at the White House, right after Obama gave Sam a medal for basically saving the planet, so I guess that is why she was attracted to him.  It doesn’t have to make sense, again, just go with it and you’ll enjoy most of the film.

Thing is, Sam might be a hero, but he is under National Security directives to not divulge any of how he got to be a hero to anyone – so he remains jobless after the government paid for his full education . . . for being a hero.  The film has moments of comedy relief as he interviews for a position in D.C.  His hottie, Carly works for a rich eccentric collector, Dylan (Patrick Dempsey) who is the definition of Mr. Inappropriate, but not in a funny way.  It’s clear he has eyes for Carly, yet he does give a recommendation for Sam to get hired by John Malkovich, and he and John Turturo provide half-hearted comedy relief to the film.  I found myself chuckling and smiling occasionally, but at other times I was just flabbergasted by some of the crap we were supposed to find funny.  Still, this wasn’t a comedy, but the brief moments of comedy were diluted because of the over-the-top ego-driven performances of some character acting folks.  For example, when Dutch (Alan Tudyk) is on screen opposite Turturo, it becomes a veritable SNL sketch where each one tries to get the other to break – in short, they over-acted in my opinion.

But, this wasn’t a comedy, it was a film that gets right down to the simplest question from political science 101, do you want to rule yourselves or be ruled?  The Autobots are now working for the black ops sections of the US forces and energon fields now protect our trusted secure sites. But during a classified mission in Chernobyl, Optimus Prime makes a terrible discovery that threatens to shatter the alliance with the U.S.  Seems the “humans” have been keeping secrets from Prime that he can’t just overlook, and quickly Prime discovers The Ark exists, and more importantly, Sentinel Prime can be revived. [I may have been imagining this, but the "Ark" incredibly resembled the ship discovered in "Alien" - the large ship I mean].

But, are the Decepticons behind everything?  Of course, that is why they are CALLED Decepticons, and that is why we have a film.  If everything was all beans and cornbread, the film wouldn’t have lasted nearly as long. So, Megatron is back, no shocker there, because they kind of hinted to it at the end of Transformers 2.  This time, as he is inept at facial repairs (apparently) he is sporting a nomad’s cloak and is mostly in the form of a desert junker truck.  He had a rather limited role in the film to be honest, and I didn’t feel his character was necessary, nor did I think his motives felt genuine.  In one scene he is being taunted by a human, which he essentially considers bugs, but instead of destroying this bug of a human, he allows it to live . . . that made no sense to me.  I don’t like it when villains spare heroes just because they are lead characters.  It’s weak, American writing, a European film would have Megatron rend that human limbless in a nano-second.  Still, Americans are allowed to dream that at the last second John Wayne will come in and save the day, REPEATEDLY – wish real life were like that, but us educated types know better.  Again though, I chose to just enjoy the film, mostly.

On enjoying the film, it was easy, because there were some incredibly imaginative special effects and some kick ass kill shots, where Bay slowed down the action, as mentioned before . . . answering his critics to let people experience as much as possible.  There were some intense, suspense-laden shots which looked seamless to me, even with the 3D perspective.  I didn’t feel like I was watching a cartoon, and when the action shifts to Chicago . . . you are gonna be BLOWN AWAY, shit gets real and except for one convenient, literal, entanglement of a lead transformer hero, the action is pretty serious.  The stakes for Earth have never been so high!

There are some nice cameos in the film that offer geeks like me something to cheer about, and I am not going to spoil the surprise for you here.  Suffice to say, Bay got a butt-load of talented folks to sign on to this, and a few people that you may or may not like actually played themselves to the delight of the audience I was with.  Everyone knows Megan Fox is out of this one, and while they took a jab at her in the film, they also paid homage to her hotness in several ways.  I think the Fox/Huntington-Whiteley debate will be like the Van Halen argument that still rages on – yes, Fox has a huge ego, but she also stirred a lot of publicity for the franchise and played the perfect “real life” villainess.

My one real complaint about the overall Bay series has been the same since the first one came out – it gets to be tricky to differentiate the transformers, and sometimes when there is a battle you are like, ok, I see two robots battling (oh, yes, I went there) and I just don’t know who is who – with exception to the leads, of course.  And, on that note, a few of the old guard transformers die in this film – and one execution scene may be too violent for anyone under eight or so.  Yes, they are robots, but yes, they do die.

Because this was such a long film, there is a need to screen it more than once to really capture every subtle thought or feeling.  But, I can say I didn’t walk out of the theater feeling like I had wasted my time, and I didn’t feel like it was going on and on, I am sure others will disagree.  I would wager there will be those out there that will delight in tearing this one to shreds . . . and, more power to them.  There is certainly enough to work with to be torn down, but this was not a crap movie.  “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” was exactly as billed, a 3D Summer Blockbuster, i.e. pop-corn flick that you see with your buddies and you just want to watch shit blow-up and have a few laughs.  As far as I am concerned, Bay delivered that and more. We say it a lot at iratefilms, but it bears repeating, some films are made for pure entertainment value – there doesn’t need to be a wise-ass script, a lesson, a twist or any of that shit – just entertain us and we are happy.  I think Dark of the Moon foot the bill.

Swift shot: This one isn’t for the really young’uns – mature themes throughout, and I counted five deaths and one rather vicious torture scene leading to the demise of Bruce Campbell – that dude is everywhere!  Cars 2 is not a toddler friendly film, it is a spy thriller played out with cars.  It was incredibly ingenious, mind you, with spectacular style and beyond-comparison cinematography.  The grandiose feeling never got old, but what cost this a perfect five stars was that many of the Tow Mater jokes just didn’t cross the finish line.  McQueen’s story takes second place to Mater’s big international adventure.

The film flashes on screen with a top secret message to one Finn McMissile (Michael Caine) to rendezvous with his contact in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  From the first shots in the sea, the detail (in Disney 3D) was near impossible to believe – and sets the pace for the rest of the film.  These guys really spent some loving quality care to ensure the digital world was as real as possible.  Much like a James Bond film, Finn’s first encounter with the bad-guys is over-the-top as he uses all manner of devices to escape his demise.  And, as mentioned above, at least one death happens in the opening scene.  Words like death and kill were used with stark frankness, I hardly remembered this wasn’t Daniel Craig at times.  In short, there was violence and cars died.

A famous thrill-seeking billionaire, Sir Miles Axelrod (Eddie Izzard) has found a natural alternative to oil, called Allinol and wants to showcase his discovery to the world with a series of races across the globe – the World Grand Prix.  Back in Radiator Springs, Tow Mater is vying for time with McQueen who is back in town, briefly, and it seems he never took Tow Mater to any of his Piston Cup races.  More on that later.  Mater manages to get McQueen involved in the World Grand Prix, but being Mater, he manages to get himself in trouble at the first location, Tokyo.

There, Mater (Larry the Cable Guy) meets both Finn and his partner, Holley Shiftwell (Emily Mortimer) as a desperate American agent stows vital intelligence with Mater.  But, Mater keeps doing really stupid crap that starts to grate on McQueen (Owen Wilson).  When Mater costs McQueen one of the races though, he finally lays into his friend about always causing trouble.  He explains that’s why he never wanted him there at any of his Piston Cup races.  Mater, though devastated, hardly has the time to think as he is swept into a whirlwind spy thriller.  Very similar to “The Man Who Knew Too Little” or “The Man With One Red Shoe”, his British cohorts are convinced his stupidity is just a brilliant cover.

You have to pay attention while watching this film.  I know a lot of parents are expecting to take their kids to this and think they can shut off their mental engines and just enjoy the film – not so.  Your kid will not get the subtle, mature-themed intrigue – so get ready to do a lot of explaining, which will no doubt piss your neighbors off in the theater.  But, don’t worry, I imagine a steady chorus of kids pestering their parents about why Mater is shooting bullets or has to defuse a bomb.  It’s an interesting statement of the times I think, as we are in three theaters of combat as I write this review.  Maybe I am just old-fashioned, but I expect a tamer, kid-friendly experience when I see a Disney film.  Not sure how Walt would have felt about this one.  Still, the film was highly entertaining!

This film doesn’t come close to a “G” rating.  Sure, there is a moral message squeezed into the spy-thriller story as well, where McQueen reminds himself that he loves Mater because of his care-free, albeit foolish attitude . . . and at the end he encourages Mater to just be himself.

It was a lot of fun and the level of detail throughout was professional as you would expect from the Pixar team – and even the “Toy Story, Hawaiian Vacation” didn’t cut corners in production.  This is a film you should probably check out in theaters, much like “Super 8″, it deserves a vast screen so your eyes can take in all the fine points.  One thing I know for sure, this film will require several screenings to completely capture all the subtle nuances that add to the capacity to really immerse yourself in a completely fictional world, where there are no humans, just motor-craft.  Made me wonder, after seeing this movie, what might a Rick Swift car look like?  Heck, I wager you will be asking yourselves the same question.

“That was mint!”

Swift shot: If you see this one in theaters, count yourself enlightened, if you wait to rent or own Blu Ray, consider yourself miserable.  Because, trust me, if you wait til you are home to see this for the first time, unless you are exceptionally wealthy and have a veritable theater sized screen at home – - – you are going to be kicking yourself forever!

Occasionally, every few decades or so, a film comes along that just fires on all cylinders and resonates with something inside you that hasn’t been active since you were a kid.  Super 8 manages to do just that, stir up imaginations I once thought completely dormant – where the critical, cynical adult in me keeps the child bolted up in a dungeon called “the impossible”.  I want to thank EVERYONE who made this film a reality, and I wonder if Paramount knows just how fortunate they are to have some of the best film-makers to ever hold that title on their label?

See, I remember, in the before time, seeing an exceptional film and waiting what felt like forever to see it again.  We have become spoiled as movie goers, everything is instantly at our beck and call.  Super 8 is going to be an instant classic film that others of its genre will be scrutinized against for a long time to come.  In 2036, some smart aleck director will be throwing nods to it after popping his film-school cherry, thinking he is worthy to do such a thing.  Yes, Super 8 will hold up throughout the years as a great film, and while the overall concept has been done before, and even the opening credits hint to the “reveal” which every critic right now is trying to figure out how to write about without giving away the farm, it was still an exceptionally well put together story and although set in the past never felt stale or aged . . . more like a fine wine, this film tastes better because it takes us back to a not so long time ago.

Super 8 is essentially one long “Amazing Story” – if you remember the 80′s serials that Producer Spielberg released akin to The Twilight Zone franchise.  Those episodes all had one thing in common, the dialog carried the story along, each word uttered told you something specific about the character, each character – even the non-essential characters, had depth, and there was some kind of twist involved.  Super 8 brings all those elements together but has a longer running time and an exceptional special effects department in ILM.  Hell, I can remember all my friends discussing Amazing Stories the day after it aired, and, yea, there was no TiVo or DVR – if you missed it, you were S.O.L.  And, the cardinal rule was, if your friend missed it, you shut your mouth about the “twist”, because occasionally it was re-aired over a summer weekend, if you were lucky.  Woe be to the sonuvabitch that gave away the ending too – so, no worries, I won’t give away anything here.  Yes, mom, I know I used to do that all the time!

Set in 1979 in a steel town in Ohio, Super 8 essentially is a story about a group of friends, over the summer, dealing with a tragedy that one of them endures at the onset of the film.  It has the feel of a Stand By Me script, though devoid of any narration or device that tells the story in the present.  This film, again, is just an Amazing Story with a supernatural, monster-thriller, or sci-fi element tossed in to keep the characters constantly malleable and interesting.

With great tragedy comes the need for great distraction, and Writer/Director J. J. Abrams gets this, and displays this, quite efficiently.  Rather than let their friend, Joe (Joel Courtney) dwell on his personal loss, his gang of misfits, led by Charles (Riley Griffiths) – who thinks he is the next Hitchcock or Romero – comes up with a perfect distraction . . . a zombie film.  At first some of the others think it a bit tacky to involve a kid who just lost someone close to be shooting a zombie flick, but they figure it might help him take his mind off of the loss as well.  Not to mention, the girl who everyone is afraid to talk to, Alice Dainard (Elle Fanning) has agreed to be in the film as zombie hunting detective, Martin’s (Gabriel Basso) wife.

It all starts off innocently enough, Alice steals her dad’s car, without a license (rebels that they are) to drive them to the shoot, EXTERIOR: late at night, a train station, now closed.  They run through lines, Charles delights in directing his friends, and he tries to get the most out of what he’s working with.  His friends are a great team, considering they are in middle-school, and they manage a level of professionalism that exceeds their years.  Then, something happens, a crash, about an EIGHT on the butt-pucker scale [patent pending], which really sets the sci-fi or supernatural elements into locomotion.

What happens next is all too easy to spoil, suffice it to say, something is not quite right in the steel town of Lilian, Ohio circa 1979.  The Air Force, helmed by Colonel Nelec (Noah Emmerich) is somehow involved, Joe’s dad, Jackson, the deputy sheriff, played by the exceptionally talented TV-actor (Kyle Chandler) is suddenly put in charge and the misfits find themselves caught in the middle of everything but are still hell-bent on finishing their film to submit to the Cleveland Film Festival . . . ah great aspirations must start somewhere, but Cleveland?

Comedy and tragedy is spliced into the story masterfully in short little bursts with character dialog, incredible action sequences and excellent acting.  And, someone check me if I am wrong, but did they cryo freeze the blond-haired brat from the 70′s version of The Bad News Bears and place braces on him to hide his identity?  Because, that kid Cary (Ryan Lee) in Super 8 is his clone!

Super 8 is a high-tech drama with a childish heart that reminds you what it was like to build models, pine for the prettiest girl in school, and to never stop fighting for those you love.  It is a film about loss, grief, struggling to cope and acceptance, all with a “twist” just to make things more interesting . . . or rather, AMAZING!

Shaken?  Stirred? – Magneto is James Bond!?!?

Swift shot: I promise not to throw out some cheesy “X-cellent” or “X-quisite” or even “X-ceptional” in this review, it’s too tempting to play on that – and this latest film, directed by Matthew “Kick Ass” Vaughn stands alone yet masterfully incorporates the elements that made me love the original X-Men films.  Vaughn uses his own style and throws nods to some great film-makers throughout to deliver an interesting, entertaining summer revenge flick.

Opening in a familiar place, Poland 1944, with a familiar scene, young Erik Lehnsherr (German for feudal lord – Bill Milner) watches as the Nazis drag his parents away – he is writhing in emotional agony, pain and fear, as he wills the iron gates to bend just outside his reach.  His little scene captures the attention of a Nazi “doctor”.  The doctor turns Erik, a mere child, into his play thing, augmenting his talents in the harshest of methods, commenting that while he loathes “these Nazi methods” he can’t argue with their results.  I won’t give anything away here, because it is an emotionally difficult scene with some incredible cinematographic juxtaposition – you’ll see what I mean.

Meanwhile in Westchester, NY, at the same time, a young Charles Xavier (Laurence Belcher) makes the acquaintance of fellow mutant, Raven (Morgan Lily) and an odd relationship is formed.  The two kindred “freaks” are never far apart after that, at least not in this film.

Most of the action takes place where we see the two children, now young men, in 1962, in the midst of the darkest days of the Cold War.  Erik has one agenda, bloody vengeance against the Nazi Doctor who, in essence, created him.  Xavier is a young professor, having earned his doctorate in genetic studies at Oxford University – as he is being congratulated by his, ever close, friend Raven – he remarks, “I am not a professor until I have students”.  Thus foreshadowing his many adventures to come as leader of his own “X-Men”.

Erik, played ruthlessly by Michael Faasbender, extracts a lead from a twisted Geneva banker to begin his pursuit of the evil Nazi doctor.  Following that lead to Argentina, he finds two unlucky Germans, one a pig-farmer and the other a tailor.  Oddly enough, these two have exactly the information Erik seeks, because they are actually Nazis – a scene that is uber transparent and painfully (emphasis on the pain) punctuated.  I know I compared Erik to Bond in my tag, but in actuality, Erik is less about finesse, he prefers cruelty to get results – a trick he learned from a Nazi doctor.  [Fans of Inglorious Basterds will recognize the subtle nod to QT's table talk scene, also with Faasbender]

Meanwhile in Oxford, Xavier (James McAvoy) is using his skills to hit on chicks, much to the chagrin of Raven who is tired of his lame pickup line “Mutant and proud”.  It is also during this time that CIA Agent MacTaggert played by Mrs. Everywhere in 2011 – Rose Byrne, has learned of an international plot to see to it that American ICBMs are placed in Turkey, which will likely incite World War III.   While conducting some brief under-cover work she discovers that so-called “mutants” exist as she sees Emma Frost (January Jones) turn into solid diamond when she crashes a Hellfire Club shindig.  Oh, and now is a good time to insert a bit of “don’t say I didn’t warn you” stuff – hearing McAvoy, as the future Professor X say shit like groovy more than zero times was enough for me.  Yes, Vaughn, we get it, this film is set in 1962, enough of making Xavier look like a weenie – if you were going for the two sides of the same coin comparison with Xavier vs. Magneto – it was overdone.

Things finally come to a head as Erik and Xavier are both pursuing the same man, I feel I would be ruining things here a bit – but, minor spoiler alert coming, the Nazi doctor is Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) who is the mutant leader of the Hellfire Club and has the power to absorb kinetic energy, and those few scenes where he shows off with this power were done extremely well.  Erik, alone, quickly discovers he is not able to handle these villains without assistance.  Reluctantly, he agrees to work with Xavier to end Shaw’s influence on the world stage.

Not only does Erik agree to help Xavier, he agrees to recruit with him, and in the BEST scene of the movie, there is a cameo from one of the past films – giving that away would be a geek capital crime!  The recruiting sequences and the team-building sequences were necessary.  They didn’t really tack on too long, but it was close, each new recruit brought something fresh to the story – while at least one annoying gnat of a character deserved a place right on my windshield next to the freakin thousand love bugs I slaughtered last month.  I didn’t even know her character existed in the Marvel universe, of course, I am not the expert either.

There was a, vomitorium, love-story taking place in the film as well, as Hank McCoy (AKA Beast – Nicholas Hoult) and Raven (AKA Mystique – Jennifer Lawrence) approached their mutant abilities as both a curse and a gift, respectively.  Then the film gets really James Bond, when the “agents” head to a Russian Military Retreat to discover more about the sinister plot of the villains on hand there, to launch the human world into a global war – killing the humans and taking their rightful place as leaders on the Darwinian scale.

A new character was introduced, Azazel, I didn’t know much about him before the film, but afterwards I was incredibly curious and once you see him and his abilities you’ll know why my curiosity was piqued.  In one scene he has a neat little method for dispatching an entire compound of government agents one by one – their last moments on earth were filled with terror – plus Azazel is apparently a closet fan of the 80′s band The Weather Girls.  [Yes, that last line has two hidden messages, have fun finding them]

The film really doesn’t disappoint much; it had moments that were a tad hokey and at times, because this was a team-building saga, it got melodramatic.  But, the story was well told, the characters were well developed, and even Kevin Bacon was somehow strangely believable as Sebastian Shaw.  Let me put it this way, if by the end of the film you DON’T want Shaw dead, I’d be surprised.  To me, that is all an actor’s job really is, make me love or hate your character and not you as an actor.  Most of the cast pulled this off well.

The effects and art team did a magnificent job portraying the tension of the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis, using several moments from actual history while penciling in fictional characters that were seamlessly paneled into the historic archive . . . if only in an alternate realm of imagination. The climax of the film was a bit trite and predictable, but I liked how the team actually used their powers in tandem to get results, something the comics do a lot, emphasizing that each member of the team plays a pivotal role in mission accomplishment.  So, yes, it was an anti-climatic ending, pitting the humans vs. all the mutants, good or evil.  But, as the movie’s title indicates, this is the first class of Professor X, so I was expecting the end to be a beginning.  Still, the final crowning scene where Magneto dons his helmet was authentic to the comic books but it made the character less scary to behold.

Overall you are going to like X-Men: First Class; it deserves a slot in your Marvel collection.   If comic book films aren’t your thing, you’ll probably still enjoy the James Bond type story arc, maybe you will like seeing the X-Men’s beginnings, watch as they fumble around with their powers and form relationships and determine why they fight, who they fight for and learn why Magneto becomes a villain.  To me, it was just an enjoyable reprieve from my mundane, non-mutant, existence – which is all I want in a film like this anyway . . . to escape reality.

See what OUR Wolfpack had to say about THE Wolfpack!

Click on each character’s face for a different review, then post your comments below and let me know which writer belongs to which character!

I missed my prom – wish I had missed this one too.

Swift shot: Look, I love Disney, but sometimes even they miss the mark, apart from a few brilliant one-liners and brief moments of comedy, I think anyone over 12 would skip this “Prom”. I wanted to like this more, but the production was rushed together and the acting was just not great all-around, which is something I wouldn’t expect from Disney to be quite frank, or maybe the dialog was just lame.  The actors who were supposed to be seniors looked like they were like me, a few years shy of wearing Depends.  Sure, some of the characters were interesting and made me want to see how things were going to play out, but the plot was pasteurized cookie cutter predictable pandering to the pre-pubescent people in training (or PITS as my old high school teacher used to say about anyone under 18).

“Prom” is all about class president, and all around super-star, Nova (Aimee Teegarden) trying to create the perfect moment in time for her friends and herself.  She has enlisted the help of several volunteers, nothing out of the ordinary there, as she has her heart set on one of them asking her to the prom, he finally does – but it is the most passionless proposal witnessed on screen.  She does accept, but as things seem settled and everything is being prepared for the big night, one classless idiot ruins the preparations in a flash.  Now, all her volunteers are over-booked and the principal steps in to help, as he assigns “bad-boy”, rebel-without-a-cause, Jesse Richter (Thomas McDonnell) to help Nova set things back into motion.  They only have three weeks, and if you can’t see where this is headed by now, wow, you really don’t get out much.

The peripheral story-lines center around love, loyalty, friendship and just generally surviving high-school – but, again, this is high-school according to Disney, sans the angst and torment most of us fondly remember – at least those of us whom were paying attention.  Some moments that I enjoyed, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention some new faces that impressed me a bit: Cameron Monaghan – worked well with very little screen-time; Danielle Campbell and Nolan Sotillo – felt all of their scenes, and the audience really “responded” to the characters; and Joe Adler – almost no dialog, and the kid easily provided the best subtle comedy throughout.

As you might expect, in this prom, nothing overly dramatic really plays out; all the drama is soft and thoughtful – safe.  There were no moments where I was surprised, which made for a completely dull viewing.  I hate bashing films, I really do, because even the biggest stack of crap can be used as fertilizer for some other project, a stepping stone for a career, a great character, interesting sub-text, something!  To that end, “Prom” wasn’t void of anything substantive, it just really wasn’t meant for me, and it didn’t have any real great moments – except the predictable ending, which I must admit was handled quite well.

“Vomitorium”

Swift shot:  I was actually disgusted when I left the theater after the credits rolled on this incredibly slow-paced farce of a thriller, with freakishly cartoonish inept “bad-guys” who are supposed to come across as somehow “lethal and scary”.  It failed to entice me, intrigue me, immerse me, but most-importantly, and least excusable, entertain me.  Hudson Hawk had more credibility!

I was really excited to see Hanna, of the two films I screened this week.  I had my hopes set really high.  But, other than Cate Blanchett’s performance, and at times, Saoirse Ronan’s being let off her dead stare leash, this film lacked anything worthwhile.

Hanna is a teenager whose whole existence has been about vengeance, and while I bought into that scheme with Kick Ass’s Hit Girl, Hanna left me unimpressed.  First, she is a buck nothing and seemingly can dispatch all manner of highly-trained, yet somehow completely fucking inept agents and bad-guys with her bare-hands.  Of course, since it is so in vogue these days, the two are one in the same, yes, folks, this “original” piece picks on Hollyweird’s favorite whipping boys at Langley.  Oh, granted, as only they can, they claim it is some rogue faction of the agency who have crossed the line.

Hanna tries to be one part spy thriller, one part road trip, one part fish out of water, one part freak show and by the time you see all those parts smashed together, it is all a big jumbled mess with little, to no, character exposition.  Nothing, in my opinion, is really resolved, and I really didn’t care.  That is a sign of a terrible story, if I don’t give a rat’s ass about what happens to any of these characters.  Plus, Hanna is the least interesting character in the film.

I don’t blame Ronan, she really impressed me in The Lovely Bones.  She seemed to be directed to look feeble, yet feral, and loveable yet have no emotion.  In the rare chances she was able to exercise her acting chops, she was immediately launched into some artsy-fartsy “European” shots, where the strangest soundtrack served as a backdrop to dialog free moments that lasted too long in a movie rife with disjointed editing and direction.  Joe Wright directed Hanna as well as several of my least favorite films, chiefly Atonement and The Soloist, the latter of which put me to sleep twice!

Hanna wasn’t complete crap; I really enjoyed some of the peripheral characters, and it did make me laugh a few times.  Several pieces were almost interesting, but again, the director lacked the ability to put it all together to be great.  It was like watching a kid with a coloring book who has all the elements to put together something decent.  But, somehow, Wright managed to color outside the lines throughout, with only a glance here or there of brilliance.

This would get a solid 1.5 stars but for Blanchett’s ability to make something amazing out of nothing – that being the script.  I say it all the time, for a movie to be effective, it can’t be tremendous at one thing and just flat-line on every other element.  Man, even the soundtrack was annoying, where cell phone ring tones were spliced to create, at first, annoyance that some douche-bag had a cell phone go off in the theater – nope, just the weird ass soundtrack.

Some idiot savant (sans savant) out there will say, oh, Rick, you just didn’t “get it” – bullshit, I will stand up against ANY rebuttle towards this review, this movie was just not good, period.  Granted, for every film there is a person out there that will just love the shit out of it, and no amount of sense can be pummeled into their heads.  I, for one, love Red Dawn, some people think it is a shit sandwich, fine, so to the few out there that think Hanna was a masterpiece of legendary cinema, I say, you can have Hanna, I will take D.A.R.Y.L. thanks!

There’s a Brand new “Arthur”

Swift shot: A delightful little comedy with a little bit of heart and panache, short on class, but come on, this is Arthur! This film, on its own, and not directly compared to the original is one of those feel-good comedies that you can see with someone close.  It isn’t a spectacular piece, and I doubt any Academy Awards will come out of this one.  Still, I am not jumping on the hater bandwagon and thumbing my nose at Brand.  He is not my favorite comedian, but I respect him, and his portrayal of the original NY icon is something worthy of praise.  Dudley is not looking down, or up, in disgust.  Enough time has passed that most of my fans didn’t even know this was a remake – yeah, I feel old now.

Arthur, for the unaware, is a film about a spoiled rich kid in an adult’s body – debauchery and drunkenness are his claim to fame.  But, he is so loaded, the figure given is staggering when you hear how much he is worth, I dare not say it here.  Because he is full to the rim with opulence and cash, he gets bored easily and his main goal in life, well, is to LIVE.  He never really gets close to anyone though, because most people are drawn to him solely for his wealth.  At least, that is how his nanny, Hobson, played by Academy Award winner, Helen Mirren, sees things.  She is so used to cleaning up, literally in some cases, Arthur’s mess of a life, that she has become too cynical and jaded when Arthur truly falls for someone who doesn’t want anything from him, just his love and attention.

Granted, when Arthur first meets Naomi (Greta Gerwig) she wants nothing from him, and in fact ends up giving him something – which I think was the spark that really wakes Arthur up – as he is so used to giving to freeloaders and false-friends.  Still, he is so drunk throughout the film, it becomes hard to nail down his earnest feelings in many scenes.  But, if you pay attention in two scenes, you are rewarded with why Arthur treats life as a playground, and for whom he is playing that role.

His play time is about to be furloughed though, when his mother demands he marry a woman under her employ, Susan (Jennifer Gardner) whose only designs are on Arthur’s Bach empire.  Susan’s father is played brilliantly, and brutally, by Nick Nolte – who it was nice to see make an appearance on the screen again.  His character will definitely get your attention!  Susan and Arthur’s mom essentially give Arthur a choice, marry her and keep your inheritance or refuse the marriage and be cut off from the vast Bach empire . . . forever.

The peripheral characters in Arthur place an exorbitant amount of outside pressure on his decisions, and at several turns you may find yourself agreeing with his philosophy of living life through binges and toys.  But, as you see his heart develop throughout the film, you really understand he is just a lost, little kid, scared and unprepared – or is there more to Arthur in the end?  You’ll laugh, you’ll hope, and you will be rooting for the most wealthy “sympathetic character” as you watch his decisions shape his life.

Director Jason Winer gets a lot out of his cast, and when everything plays out, the evolution of the plot is, dare I say, a story-book ending.  I wanted to come out with a snide grin on my face, telling the world that Brand couldn’t hold a warm cup of piss up to Moore, but I was soundly shut up as I found myself laughing my butt off . . . even at scenes I caught in the trailers.  Because this isn’t a big blockbuster action flick or anything where cinematography requires grandiose framing, you can wait until you can own this and watch it at home.  But, if you want to catch a really enjoyable theater film, Arthur should give you something to smile about and might just leave a spark of romance in your heart.