(2 People gave this 3.00 out of 5)

 Loading ...

“Troll!!!!!!”

Swift shot:  Part “Blair Witch Project”, part “Monsters” – - – ALL TROLL!

I wasn’t too thrilled by the film opening with that “recovered footage” concept, but it can be overlooked as just a means to pragmatically set the film in an authentic light. Few people, even Norwegians, believe in trolls, but after watching this film, I would wager a few more believers come out of the darkness.

If you have ever visited, or lived in, Norway you know there are vast landscapes seemingly both uninhabited or more to the point, uninhabitable.  I used to drive around Norway and see these little villages high up in the mountains with a few power lines running way up top, maybe about twenty small houses in the whole village and I would wonder how they got there, or why even.  Making a grocery run from there must be hell.  So, what if one of those folks candidly told you, “Sure, we have trolls.”  How likely would you be to believe them?  “Troll Hunter” takes it a step farther as a group of, mostly annoying, college kids set out to make a film about a mysterious string of bear attacks.

Hailing from Volda College, Thomas (the talent), Kalle (the cameraman) and Johanna (the boom girl) begin interviewing some government sanctioned bear hunters.  Without exception, the hunters keep mentioning a guy in an SUV who is a nuisance and probably a poacher, but he isn’t too likely to take interviews.  Intrigued, the students set out to find this character.  As they investigate him, they unravel a deeper national secret!

Like most college students, they think they know everything and again, like most college students, they don’t know much!  Eventually cornering the elusive Hans, they rapidly discover just how little they know about their country.  Not only that, their faith is tested in probably THE MOST novel way I have ever seen in film.  I won’t give it away here, but suffice it to say, their religious beliefs play a key part in the story.  Quickly they discover trolls are real!   They are determined to chronicle as much about them as possible.

While I found the film fun and adventurous, the students really annoyed me, if that was by design, kudos to the director, if not I think some better dialog may have aided the film.  At one point I was like, Thomas, if you smirk into the camera one more time . . .  Sure, the script did a good job of making the footage as authentic as possible, with seemingly mundane lines that “real people” might share, but I never really got to know any of the characters.  Granted, that is difficult to pull off in a mockumentary horror film – but for me, if I don’t care about the characters, I won’t feel anything if/when they get  turned into troll jerky.  Most people have large egos, and even more so when they are on film, so I think there were some blown opportunities to flesh out the characters more with dialog that exposes their nature.  Hans was one exception; we found out the most about him – which is ironic, because he was the elusive one.

The special effects in this movie were incredibly well done, and the use of different lenses, angles, even odors (whilst only imagined) gave a very tactile and credible aspect to the trolls that US Psy-Ops teams should heed.  If the trolls came across as CGI cartoons or Godzilla like puppets, the film would have sucked.  Thankfully, the trolls were handled with a professionalism some big-time Hollywood producers should emulate – yea, Green Lantern, I am looking at you . . . again.  When it comes to special effects, there needs to be at least a modicum of veracity. “Troll Hunter” delivered as advertised; the film-makers deserve high praise for doing a good job of building persuasive (even scientific) evidence that trolls could be very real.

Now, let’s assume, for fun, that trolls are real, because with all the unpopulated earth, much like space and the sea, there are probably still some creatures we have yet to discover.  Does anyone remember a little film in the 80′s, “The Abyss”?  If nothing else, this film sheds light on a monster that hasn’t seen much play in Hollywood lately, with all these sparkling vampires, shirtless werewolves, and walking dead folks – I was relieved to see a “new” monster on film.  And, unlike “Troll 2″, in “Troll Hunter” there will be trolls!  This one is definitely worth a watch, and film students should take note of the superb editing as well.

(1 People gave this 5.00 out of 5)

 Loading ...

“It’s the only business I know of where you have to work . . . HARD in order to work.” – Troy Duffy, Creator of “The Boondock Saints”

Swift shot:  What does it mean to be an independent artist?  This is the question posed throughout the film as we follow the hero’s path through the dark forest of their own struggles to “make it”.  Using classic examples of the works of Joseph Campbell – the same works that inspired George Lucas to refine his original draft of Star Wars, Jeff Santo expresses his thesis through his own struggle and through the struggle of his peers.  If movies about film are your forte, this is certainly one you can’t avoid, especially if you are studying film or music.  But, if you are looking for a great story, you’ll have to settle for dalliances of each character’s struggle.  In truth, each character showcased could have their own documentary, or a few of the more compelling characters at any rate.

Dissecting the characters seems unfair, as a critic, because I am not reviewing a movie, I am reviewing lives – who the hell can do that?  We have all made choices in life that put us where we are, and some alliances that have cost us dearly, or some that we have benefited from greatly.  But ultimately it is those that dare try that ultimately fail . . . or succeed, but you will never know if you let others dictate your independence.  Each character embodies that core theme in the film, they all do what they want and won’t let some stuffed-shirt, dickhead tell them any different.  Isn’t that what real art is all about, anyway, being true to yourself, or at least your message?

With any documentary, a REAL documentary, not a propaganda film like any of the Michael Moore . . . offerings (yes, that was a fat joke, Moore supporters, be damned), it’s impossible to rate the actors, because they aren’t acting, they are being.  “Off the Boulevard” is helmed by Writer/Director Jeff Santo, who has an interesting legacy that is touched on in the film and offers some of the more compelling arguments for the hero’s struggle.  He is closely companioned by the bearded, Boston menace of Boondock Saints fame, Troy Duffy – whose quote above more than resembles his character.

Troy has fought the system and managed to not only survive, but has such a huge cult-following, and he being so young, has only more great things to share with his flock (yes, that was a religious pun, keep up).  Then we meet Sanel, a Bosnian War Refugee who literally was an actor, in real life, to MAINTAIN HIS LIFE!  Think about that at your next “How to develop a character” seminar.  I don’t mean he worked at the local Bosnian play-house, he had to convince people, through deceit, each day, to not kill him.  No take-twos there, My Friend.

To add a little comedy relief to the whole thing, Santo grabbed the incredibly insane stand-up comedian, Bob Rubin, whose entire routine is based on, if you can’t get my jokes, go fuck yourself – - – essentially, he is so fast and furious with his delivery that even the ATF can’t track his mind.  Fans of The Boondock Saints II will recognize him immediately as Gorgeous George. And, fans of both Boondocks films will recognize the maddening Rocco, who is a steady hand in the documentary, never really shifting gears at any stage of his journey – but, always bringing his A-game when it matters . . . on screen, when they say action!

Rounding out the “cast” are two musicians, from opposite musical spectrums, but still on the same overall wavelength – rock and roller, Keith Jackson who manages a rock n roll lounge in Arizona and leads the Glass Heroes band.  He had some good lessons to offer anyone worried about copyright infringement, hint, that means film/music students alike should pay attention to his story.  But, the final heroic struggler was the one that I was rooting for the hardest, Nick Nicholson, who is a country singer, surrounded by a sea of naysayers and half-hearted supporters . . . his art finally makes it to the right ears, and maybe you have heard his song on the radio.  If you haven’t, I suspect you might could, real soon.

Incidentally, how I heard about the film, mirrors the film itself – and the whole iratefilms crew could easily fill in for the “characters” in the story, because we all have “real life” occupations that detract from our “art” as well.  In fact, after screening this documentary, I was reminded of all the work that we have all put into the site to make it what it is today – we all have the struggle, which makes the hero’s path, worthy of praise.  Eddie Vedder is one of those interviewed in the film – he sits in a lush setting, talking about fame, and while I am no longer a Pearl Jam fan, I was intrigued by his interviews the most – because he recognizes that his struggle for fame was a pittance compared to other artists.  He almost sounds sad that he didn’t have to experience the pain of failure . . . almost.  Because, let’s face it, when you “make it” – the goal isn’t about money, it’s about getting your art out there to the world, or at least that is what drives the seven men of “Off the Boulevard”.

If you are an aspiring musician or film-maker, in any capacity, this is a must own documentary.  Watch it once as a fan, then watch it as a student, and hopefully you will learn something from each struggle.

(4 People gave this 4.75 out of 5)

 Loading ...

“Look at the stars. The great kings of the past are up there, watching over us.”

Swift shot:  When you think of a flawless film, I dare anyone say “The Lion King” isn’t first on your list – especially for fathers with sons.  Personally, this used to just be a great film, until two things happened to me: I lost my father and I became a father of a wonderful cub myself.  Now, when I watch it, I am reminded of the fragile nature of life, the inevitable end that we all face, and that we all hope that someday our sons will look to us like Mufasa, for we are all kings, and we will all become as one with the stars in the sky.  No king lives forever.

“The Lion King” is a fabulous story of courage and compassion, but primarily it is a story about fathers, for fathers.  We all know the story, and Disney didn’t make any bold, dumb changes from the original.  This 3D effort is just the original re-released in 3D, and you won’t find anything really spectacular about the 3D itself, but, if you are like me and didn’t get to see “The Lion King” in theaters before, this is one of those father-son films that you simply have to take your children to see in theaters . . . while you still can (yes, in every implication of that phrase).

Set in Africa, “The Lion King” wakes us to a new day where King Mufasa (James Earl Jones) and his queen, Sarabi (Madge Sinclair) introduce their prince, Simba (Johnathon Taylor Thomas/Matthew Broderick) to their kingdom.  In this way, it starts much like Bambi, but unlike Bambi, the focus is not on the mother/son relationship.  In fact, mother Sarabi is merely an after-thought in this film.  She is full of pride and has impeccable courage, but Mufasa is the tragic figure who assumes he and his son will watch many new days together.  He’s wrong.

Scar, his over-looked older brother, masterfully portrayed by Jeremy Irons, is just two heart-beats away from the throne, and he aims to eliminate Mufasa and Simba in one dreadful master-stroke.  Mufasa is strong but incredibly naive and trusts his brother to never betray him.  Scar is perhaps the most vile villain ever to appear in a Disney film.  Not only does he kill the king, he has convinced Mufasa’s son that it was he who was responsible for his own father’s death!  To make him even more vicious, Scar planned on killing Simba anyway, so to make him think he was responsible for his father’s death, only to have him killed seconds later was incredibly malicious.  I mean, in his mind, the prince was hyenia chow, so why make him think in his last mortal thoughts that he was responsible for killing his own father?  That is just evil.

[Swift aside: Some people claim Vader is the worst villain, but I disagree, I think the worst movie villain has to be Scar, he betrayed his brother, murdered him, took his wife (like in Hamlet) but also tried to kill the prince, all of these characters were of his blood.  It's vile.  Vader was an orphan, essentially, and while he betrayed his master, he wasn't blood, and, yes, killing the younglings was pretty sick, but they weren't his kin.  Also, Vader didn't blow up Alderaan; it was Tarkin who ordered that.  Shouldn't Tarkin be the worst villain ever?  I smell a twitter question/answer session from this.]

Alas, Simba does escape his trio of pursuers/assassins: Shenzi (Whoopi Goldberg); Banzai (Cheech); and Ed (Jim Cummings) as he runs through a thick barbed thorn bed.  His would-be-killers, mocking him with “If you come back here, we’ll kill you!”  Did I mention “The Lion King” was dark, yet?  It is probably the darkest, and yet lightest, film by Disney in decades.  As Simba has finally given up, on life (suicidal thoughts, again, like Hamlet) and waits for the buzzards to rend his flesh, two new “father-figures” enter his story, Timon (Nathan Lane) and Pumbaa (Ernie Sabella).  They represent a care-free, live for the moment life-style, in this way, they were much like the Balloo character in the Jungle Book, eating, sleeping and playing their days away, they even have a motto to go with their “bare necessities” attitude . . . Hakuna Matata.

On that note, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out the wonderful scoring of this Disney masterpiece, with Academy Award winning music by Elton John, Hans Zimmer and Tim Rice.  The songs are legends in and of themselves and need no puffery on my part; you have all welled up to them . . . at least once.  Still, watching “The Lion King” without all the incredible sound work, not just the music, would detract from the emotional impact.  Often times, we overlook the balance in films that makes them go from good to great . . . to epic, as in “The Lion King”.  Just hearing the Circle of Life or Hakuna Matata can put me in a different place, even doing something as mundane as folding laundry – the first song can put me in the emergency room when I heard my son sing for the first time, as he entered this fragile, hostile, yet magical world.  And hearing Hakuna Matata reminds me, wherever I am or what I am doing, of the times in my own life where I was able to let my guard down completely and just revel in the now.  We all need those Hakuna Matata moments of pure innocent frivolity from time to time.

Unlike the stories that inspired “The Lion King” (there are several mentions under the trivia section on imdb) Simba doesn’t return to the Pridelands for revenge; he returns for something more noble, penance.  Remember, he thinks he is the one responsible for his father’s death, thanks to Scar.  So, upon his return, he is expecting to be reviled and hated once he reveals his dreadful secret.  This makes Simba an even more sympathetic character, and when he finally does realize that he and his father were betrayed by Scar, he still affords his wicked uncle mercy.  Thankfully, Scar is too filled with a warped ego to accept and is ultimately served up to the same assassins he put to kill Simba.  And, the film ends with a reprise of the opening, and now, Simba is the King and Simba is the father, the Circle of Life is set in motion once again.  And, again, we are shown the beauty and the tragedy that is life – so fragile a thing and therefore magnificent to behold.

“The Lion King” will forever be in the canon of my heart and being able to watch it in the theater, sitting next to my son, knowing that he will never meet my father and that he can only look to the stars to seek him, is something I will always remember.

(Give us your rating!!)

 Loading ...

Every sin comes with a price

Swift shot: While not a professional feature film, there is a raw complexity that makes this one watchable, despite some mediocre acting and unbelievably pedestrian dialog.  Sarah Cooper and Javon Johnson were exceptional stand-outs in an otherwise amateur cast and production team.  Still, I was roommates with one of the supporting actors, so I can’t completely trash this.  And, truth be told, it will find harsher critics than I, but even the harshest critics will be able to find something praiseworthy . . . the stories.

Rendezvous is a film about three separate couples, meeting in hotel rooms for affairs of differing natures.  One couple is incredibly asexual, with hair, dialog, and delivery to match their mechanically mundane relationship. Carolyn (Lesley Warren) has arranged a special series of surprises for her apathetic partner, Scott (Dorian Alexis Santiago) who has an agenda of his own that is immediately apparent, if you pay attention to his body language.

The next couple is made up of a pair of thirty something lovers who it is evident have shared a sorted past, but for no apparent reason that is ever truly explained, wound up apart.  Devin (Javon Johnson) is a strong character, a loving father, a supportive husband and an almost genuinely like-able character, but his rendezvous tonight is not his lovely wife, it is his emotionally scarred, off and on again flame, Nicole (Sarah Cooper) who goes through a roller coaster ride of love, lust, shame, pride and guilt in one dramatic evening.

Finally, the third couple is a more common type of affair you might expect in this digital age.  It’s clear almost immediately that they met on a website promoting affairs and other sexual appetites for people looking to step out of the confinement of normalcy.  Thing is, being abnormal is so normal these days, that old fashioned types are now the freaks.  Still, Antonio (Joao Bounassar) and his web-mistress Candice (Stephanie Smeltzer) are all about fucking, and I use that word deliberately, because if fucking offends you, couple three is going to downright disgust you.  If their acting were any better, maybe it wouldn’t have been so vile watching them be dirty, dirty is an appropriate description of the whole film really, and Director/Writer/Producer Duane Dixon does a fine job of displaying the filth of each relationship in varying degrees of intensity.

Each couple is in for a rough night, and each starts out with high hopes of simply a magical evening – granted, they all have their own definition of what magic is; however ultimately it is about getting their rocks off.  But, as I mentioned in the tag line, they are sinners, and they all eventually pay for their sins.

What I really liked about Rendezvous was that I knew nothing about it, save that my buddy was in it, playing Tristan who adds an element to the film that takes it from melodramatic to dramatic . . . in more ways than one.  Sadly, he was under used by Duane Dixon, and yes, I am biased, but I also wouldn’t pull any punches if I thought my friend sucked.  He didn’t.  Still, getting back on point, I liked how the stories built into a crescendo of retribution.  I pretended that I was Satan, watching these little marionettes grind  into one another, trying to satiate some missing thing that would finally make them whole, as if sex alone would fill the void . . . all the while knowing that in the end, I would watch them all crumble in dark despair.

If the acting were better by the majority of the players, I could see giving this a few extra half stars, and if there wasn’t any Jazz music.  Hey, that is my opinion, take it or leave it, I am no fan of Jazz and leading with it made me feel like I was watching a bad Red Shoe Diaries at first.  But, if you can get past that first opening sequence, and you are a bit of a sadist, you may enjoy watching this morality play unfold.  Maybe you’ll even take something from it, because while they are all sinners, every one of them, yes, even Tristan has a reason for their actions that is grounded in personal sadness and despair.

Scott is driven by more than love or passion, his is a different kind of lust.  Carolyn just wants to be really loved, by anyone, even if it might be a lie.  Devin wants to prove that he is in control of everything, that he can balance his good and dark sides, all while trying to be heroic in his own mind.  Nicole wants to prove to herself that she matters, that she is worthy of Devin and her mother’s love.  Candice is ashamed that she has sexual desires that she could never explain to her straight-laced husband.  Antonio is driven by self-gratification and also wants to control both sides of his life, and even Tristan (Maurice Chevalier) has gone through life with a chip because he too can’t find acceptance from those he loves.

No matter; Satan sits laughing, loving their loss – and in the end, he is paid in full.

(3 People gave this 4.00 out of 5)

 Loading ...

Taking the man out of manifest destiny!

Swift shot: Quite simply, this is ‘Predator’ meets ‘The Missing’.  At its core, Cowboys & Aliens is a formulaic Western with an extra-terrestrial threat that serves as the common evil that brings together all the other players.  There is the quintessential bad boy with the rich daddy who gets locked up for mayhem, the simple-minded barkeep, the worldly preacher, the hot chick, the former War Between the States veteran, and even injuns and other badlands characters join the fray.  The one element out of the formula is Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) who has an edge over the aliens, but he doesn’t seem to remember why.

It was interesting to learn that the production crew actually acquired the rights to produce ‘Cowboys & Aliens’ before Scott Mitchell Rosenberg’s graphic novel was even finished; apparently Spielberg was fixated on the title and willing to risk a flop. I don’t think this was a flop by any means; it was an entertaining time at the theater, and the title doesn’t mislead – true to form, there are cowboys and there are aliens, but there is also a nice little twist or two to keep you intrigued.  Even Ron Howard was in love with the graphic novel cover art and jumped on board for that alone!  See, sometimes it is ok to judge a book by its cover, and there is a lesson to aspiring creators out there, be dynamic and bold.

This film has some of my all-time favorite character actors, chiefly Clancy Brown who I will always see as Drill Instructor Zim of Starship Troopers, but you probably know as the toughest screw from Shawshank Redemption.  He plays Meacham, the Absolution, New Mexico preacher who has his hands full with his flock and then “demons from the sky” start swooping down and even more hell breaks loose.

Sam Rockwell provides the comedy relief as Doc, the barkeep, and brings some lighthearted fun to an otherwise overly dramatic screenplay.  He is joined, seemingly at the hip, by his lovely wife Maria (Ana De La Reguera) who is the reason he has risked entering the godforsaken west to search for gold.  Thing is, he isn’t alone, other folks want the gold stashed deep in the caverns of Absolution.

Rounding out the cast were the under-rated Adam Beach as Nat Colorado, Paul Dano as Dolarhyde’s spoiled-as-shit punk kid, Percy (aptly named I might add) and finally the equally mysterious, Ella (Wilde).  Wilde brings a fiery presence to the town and the story overall, but sadly is under-used for the most part.  I almost forgot to mention Keith Carradine, who does a fine job as Taggart, the town’s sheriff, who tries to keep tabs on his grandson, Emmett (Noah Ringer) while juggling the chaos around him.

It’s 1875, and now about five years since Scarlett donned her drapes and did declare that tomorrow is another day . . . but, she didn’t happen to live in Absolution, where tomorrow is hardly a guarantee.  Ruled by the almost dictator-like retired Colonel Dolarhyde (Ford), the town is on the verge of a collapse when a Stranger (Craig) stumbles on the scene.   That night the demons swoop in on the townsfolk, and there might could be a reckoning as a posse is formed to find loved-ones abducted by the demons.  As the film progresses, the characters are explained with some solid dialogue, and my favorite side story was between Nat and Dolarhyde – where Ford’s acting chops were put to the test.

As I mentioned, there are aliens, and the scenes with them were well shot and blended seamlessly with a believable nineteenth century feel, where the west was still wild, untamed, and filthy too boot. Once everything comes to a head, and secrets are revealed, the film has a meager message, which I won’t ruin, but the message doesn’t come across as too preachy.  The action makes up for any silly political steering, and there is plenty of room left for Hollyweird to carry these characters onto another adventure well past the sunset.

I’d say watch this one in the theater for the action alone, but if you have a tremendous veritable theater at home, well-equipped with the latest and greatest tech, I am sure you would enjoy it there too.  On a related note, this was one of the few screenings I have been to that folks were turned away because the theater was packed – so that might could be a good sign for the folks who spent sleepless nights making sure 1875 New Mexico could host believable little green men . . .  all for your enjoyment.

“I don’t like bullies; I don’t care where they’re from.”

Swift shot: Captain America is one bad-ass hero.  He defines courage and commitment; quite literally he has inspired thousands of people, men and women, to don their nation’s uniform as soldiers – and Chris Evans doesn’t hump the bunk.  He was Human Torch in Fantastic Four as well, and that character was a real cocky little punk.  With Steve Rogers, though, Evans brings a more serious presence to the classic shield-wielding super soldier.  As his creator reminds him, a strong man loses respect for strength and power, but a weak man will never take it for granted.  Still, none of that matters a hill of beans, because Tommy Lee Jones as the ever charming, Colonel Phillips, steals the whole film!

Steve Rogers is a courageous man in an ill-matched frame.  He is never afraid to stick up for the little guy, and his passion for his nation is unequaled.  When war is upon his people, he wants desperately to join the military ranks.  But, try as he might, he always comes back a 4F, reject/defect.  He has tried lying several times, but the astute military doctors always give him the same diagnosis, and merely the asthma alone keeps him disqualified after countless attempts.  On his last attempt though, he earns the attention of a German Doctor Erskine (Stanley Tucci) who selects him for a top-secret, super soldier squad.  From there, his life is never the same – his path as the First Avenger is chiseled in stone.

Captain America was always one of my favorite heroes as a kid, because he symbolized hope and the promise that regardless of size or stature, the size of your character can lead to great things if you commit yourself.  Really, that is what Cap is all about, and that is why he hates bullies – they have strength but use it for evil.  They are spoiled.  Steve does quite a bit of bully bashing in this film, but his journey to become Captain America doesn’t necessarily play out as he envisioned.

Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, the Nazi super scientist group, Hydra (kill one head, two more grow back) led by the incredibly power- hungry Johan Schmidt (Hugo Weaving) is searching for what most assume to be legend, but he and Hydra deem fact.  Finally capturing the super-natural element, Hydra is nearly unstoppable on the battlefield.

And, while this movie may be torn from a comic book, it is, in earnest a war film, set almost entirely in the 1940s as war ravages the world and madmen are commonplace.  Still, that is an adequate setting for a comic book, now that I think about it.  Because Rogers is a Captain, he needs a commander, enter Colonel Chester Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) who had high hopes for the super soldier serum, but Hydra quickly shatters his dreams and he becomes more grounded and pragmatic as the film proceeds.  Still, Phillips’ team is staffed by the lethally accurate Agent Carter (Hayley Atwell), who is as gorgeous as she is deadly with a pistol, and Howard Stark (Dominic Cooper), yes, THAT Howard Stark, the head of Stark Industries.  And where would any self-respecting super-hero be without his trusty side-kick, for Cap, the omnipresent Bucky (Sebastian Stan) who is there for Steve regardless of risk.

Some of the things that really worked in this film, the Gothic stylized Hydra sequences, where the action really feels set in the forties against somewhat modern technology courtesy of Hydra and Stark conversely.  The story was a bit hokey in places, but for the most part can be forgiven for simply trying to stay true red, white and blue to Cap’s origins.  Remember, this is an origin film, and they can be difficult to keep flowing.  The costumes and the 3D effects with the shield were pretty smashing, if you’ll excuse the pun . . . one guy to my left actually flinched when Cap tossed his shield seemingly at the audience through a clever bounce off a troop-carrier to dispatch a Hydra agent.

There is plenty of action in Captain America, but there is also a lot of cheese – even scenes that were supposed to be ‘dramatic’ captured a few unintended laughs from the audience, like during the Hydra salute scenes, each time they drew a moan and a snort-giggle.  But, while those laughs were unintended, EVERY line Tommy Lee Jones delivered got a huge reaction from the audience, and I would see this film again just to experience them with new friends at my side.  Finally, the Howling Commandos make their first appearance, much to the delight of stalwart Cap fans – and they blow up a lot shit and cause a huge ruckus.

What I didn’t like about Captain America was, sadly, Chris Evans was believable, and he passed, but I never got a lump in my throat where I felt he had become Captain America, where I really felt for him.  It was more like, I knew I was watching a film and being entertained the entire time – still, he was Human Torch already, so maybe that destroyed the immersion factor that so many Role Players seek when casting their two ten-sided dice and comparing FASERIP.  Like, to me, Hugh Jackman IS Wolverine, period.  I can’t say the same for Evans.  Also, Red Skull was never developed to any significant degree, he was well portrayed by Weaving, who simply loves wearing false faces it seems.

But, if you just love The Avengers, and especially if you love the Captain America character, this is one for you to screen – there is a lot of big action, grandiose special effects and while I saw this in 3D, there were really only three sequences worthy of 3D and almost so self-serving it becomes detracting.  See this in a high quality theater or watch it at home on Blu Ray, but if you are a fan of Marvel – this shouldn’t disappoint.  Make sure you stick around after the credits, this Avengers teaser is one you don’t want to miss!

Literally, from the ‘pages’ of A. A. Milne . . .

Swift shot:  Look, I am not heartless, despite what some may think, and I was hoping this would revive the inner toddler within me.  I took my toddler to this screening, first time since the failed attempt with the Igor screening where I had to remove him from the theater several times.  So, I was anxious about this one; the film earned one glowing mark of praise, my three year old loved it – it kept his attention throughout and he was never bored. Having said that, I think 3-5 is the ideal age to view this classic tale, retold in our modern, go go, now now era.  Any younger and you are gonna have a restless squirmer on your hands, any older and you are gonna have an incredibly bored six year old to contend with in a, somewhat, crowded theater.

I have always loved the Winnie the Pooh characters, and Disney always does a great job with everything they touch – save a few exceptions, of course.  But, what I really loved about this film was how the story was told, it is subtle that the story is actually a fiction based on some stuffed animals in a child’s room.  Then we see an aged storybook, with Milne’s name on the front and John Cleese’s voice takes us to the Hundred Acre Wood, where we are introduced to a slumbering Pooh bear.  How Cleese wakes him was imaginative and, dare I say, had a modern “touch” that I can see being tied into some merchandising gold soon.

From there we meet the rest of the gang one by one residing in the Hundred Acre Wood, with all the wonderful characters we have grown to enjoy since the mid-twenties.  I was shocked to see that no less than eleven writers are credited on this film, including Milne, of course.  Each character managed to add something unique to the story, and they were genuinely portrayed as I remember them.  Eeyore was always my favorite, but the first runner up has to go to Owl, voiced by Craig Ferguson – the know-it-all who really knows nothing at all, not much of a stretch for him, really.

Because of a very simple misunderstanding, the kind a very small child might make, the friends all find themselves on an adventure which starts out by trying to find Eeyore’s missing tael.  But as Christopher Robin soon goes missing, the gang is convinced there is a terrible monster lurking in the Wood that has captured him.  I won’t spoil anything, because you need to go into this one knowing nothing to keep your adult mind entertained.

What I really enjoyed was how the story was being told as if it were a story book world, as the image above displays, the letters from the story are actually incorporated into the film, a rather novel concept, wouldn’t you agree?  Oh, bother; I can’t avoid puns anymore than Pooh can avoid honey.

After seeing this film, you MUST stay seated after the incredibly colorful end credits, there is a predictable yet wonderfully handled coda. If you miss it the first time, I am sure you will see it when you are back soon.  I hope Disney will keep up their quality work and keep making these kinds of films, to paraphrase a line from my favorite film, to let us be little again.

And, the short about Loch Ness before the film – - – the less said about that, the better.  I didn’t care for it, and while the message was clearly that it was ok to cry, I felt there was another anti big business, even theme park, theme strewn throughout.  Disney needs to tread gently there, wouldn’t you agree?  Still, for a child of three to five, this is a winner, and if you come out of this one NOT craving Huny, or Hunny, or Honney, or any variation of the wonderful golden goo – I’d call you a big fibber.  And, if you do get some honey, won’t you please share it with your favorite, willy, nilly, silly old bear?

“So, you lied?  You weren’t a minute late . . . you were two minutes late?”

Swift shot: Filthy, fantastic, & funny – it’s “9 to 5″ meets “Strangers on a Train”.  I laughed to the point of pain in quite a few places, and I enjoy these kinds of summer check your brain at the door type comedies.  Overall a decent effort by all involved, and I was not a fan of Charlie Day, until now – he certainly carried his part with a not too shabby script and at least one leading comic strongman to contend with in Bateman.  And, with comedy, more than any other acting arena, timing is everything, and chemistry with an ensemble cast is a must.  The triplicate team of Bateman, Sudeikis and Day was an odd, yet effective mashing of different styles that somehow worked.

To say this was an overtly raunchy comedy is like saying “A Clockwork Orange” was only slightly disturbing, competing with this year’s Hangover Part II is no easy hurdle, so when you can’t outwit someone, out-sleaze them – seemed to be quite effective with Anniston’s scenes especially.  I almost feel like I am spoiling something by telling you that even salty sea-dogs may turn red a few times with her character’s ridiculous slut-bag behavior . . . especially considering she is supposed to be hot for Dale played by Charlie Day.

On that note, Jason Sudeikis’ character, Kurt is apparently gifted with not only a silver tongue but a lightning fast closure speed, in one scene he seduces and slams in less than ten minutes, all while another character is spilling some beans (shall we say) of his own. Yea, if THAT line offended you, please, avoid this film, because you are too delicate and foo-foo to enjoy the comedy.  I found it hard to swallow that Dale or Kurt would be so incredibly smooth with the fairest sex.

Kevin Spacey, what, like I NEED to say anything else here?  Colin Farrell, well, you’ll certainly hate his character enough to enjoy his fate.  And there are a few other cameos that I won’t ruin here, suffice to say you’ll recognize them when you see them.  Seth Gordon directed, he’s already a director to keep in your cross-hairs, Horrible Bosses didn’t suck, and he has comedy down.  Brett Ratner, our local hero, produced this film, and I always laugh at his shit and this was no exception.

With all this epic raunchy action happening you might miss some key moments that actually force you to pay close attention in the film, I was so caught up in the moments and laughing my ass off that I missed at least a couple things, so you had a kind of Shamalyian twist effect at the end, let me clarify that and say that was a HINT to what you should be paying attention to.  You’ll enjoy this adult film, but, please don’t be an idiot and let your kids see this one, not til they are old enough to drive at least.

At the end, you may just find yourself wondering . . . is my boss the Total Fucking Asshole, Evil Crazy Bitch, Dipshit Cokehead Son, or Twisted Old Fuck?  Me, I love my boss – because I AM THE BOSS!  And, Sergio Diaz, if you are late to Harry Potter I will eat your dog!!!  And, if you don’t have one, I will provide you one just so I can make good on that promise.  

Mechanical mayhem. . . delivered

Swift shot: This was the best and worst Transformers film to date.  Best, because the action was intense and emotional, worst because the cheese and in-your-face sexiness was heavily grated on top of everything.  This is another film that is a must see for theaters; there is a reason they call these things Summer Blockbusters folks – seeing them at home for the first time is just not right.  No doubt Michael Bay has every hope you will rush into theaters and do just that, and to his credit, he answered many previous critics in this one . . . but he is sure to gain more for his perversion of a classic, dare I say immortal, geek line that is painful to endure considering the character and the context in which it is used.

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” starts in space, a battle rages on Cybertron, home planet to the transformers race.  With a fight over the most basic rights, Freedom vs. Tyranny – no surprise the Autobots are on the side of Freedom.  Alas, they are no match for the swarms of Decepticons.  So, in a last desperate maneuver of hope, they send a lone ship with the key to saving Cybertron within its confines.  The Autobot leader, Sentinel Prime can’t elude destruction and has to crash onto Earth’s moon.  Images reach NASA and JFK decides we have to beat the Russians to the crash site – at first it is believed to be a meteor, in fact it is Sentinel Prime’s ship, “The Ark”.  Right away you could start your eyes rolling, or you could just go with it and enjoy – I chose the latter as I did throughout most of the two-hour and forty minute long film.

Flash forward to the present, and we see Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is getting a lucky bunny from his incredibly gorgeous new blonde flame, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) whose entrance was definitely worthy of the Real 3D!  She met Sam at the White House, right after Obama gave Sam a medal for basically saving the planet, so I guess that is why she was attracted to him.  It doesn’t have to make sense, again, just go with it and you’ll enjoy most of the film.

Thing is, Sam might be a hero, but he is under National Security directives to not divulge any of how he got to be a hero to anyone – so he remains jobless after the government paid for his full education . . . for being a hero.  The film has moments of comedy relief as he interviews for a position in D.C.  His hottie, Carly works for a rich eccentric collector, Dylan (Patrick Dempsey) who is the definition of Mr. Inappropriate, but not in a funny way.  It’s clear he has eyes for Carly, yet he does give a recommendation for Sam to get hired by John Malkovich, and he and John Turturo provide half-hearted comedy relief to the film.  I found myself chuckling and smiling occasionally, but at other times I was just flabbergasted by some of the crap we were supposed to find funny.  Still, this wasn’t a comedy, but the brief moments of comedy were diluted because of the over-the-top ego-driven performances of some character acting folks.  For example, when Dutch (Alan Tudyk) is on screen opposite Turturo, it becomes a veritable SNL sketch where each one tries to get the other to break – in short, they over-acted in my opinion.

But, this wasn’t a comedy, it was a film that gets right down to the simplest question from political science 101, do you want to rule yourselves or be ruled?  The Autobots are now working for the black ops sections of the US forces and energon fields now protect our trusted secure sites. But during a classified mission in Chernobyl, Optimus Prime makes a terrible discovery that threatens to shatter the alliance with the U.S.  Seems the “humans” have been keeping secrets from Prime that he can’t just overlook, and quickly Prime discovers The Ark exists, and more importantly, Sentinel Prime can be revived. [I may have been imagining this, but the "Ark" incredibly resembled the ship discovered in "Alien" - the large ship I mean].

But, are the Decepticons behind everything?  Of course, that is why they are CALLED Decepticons, and that is why we have a film.  If everything was all beans and cornbread, the film wouldn’t have lasted nearly as long. So, Megatron is back, no shocker there, because they kind of hinted to it at the end of Transformers 2.  This time, as he is inept at facial repairs (apparently) he is sporting a nomad’s cloak and is mostly in the form of a desert junker truck.  He had a rather limited role in the film to be honest, and I didn’t feel his character was necessary, nor did I think his motives felt genuine.  In one scene he is being taunted by a human, which he essentially considers bugs, but instead of destroying this bug of a human, he allows it to live . . . that made no sense to me.  I don’t like it when villains spare heroes just because they are lead characters.  It’s weak, American writing, a European film would have Megatron rend that human limbless in a nano-second.  Still, Americans are allowed to dream that at the last second John Wayne will come in and save the day, REPEATEDLY – wish real life were like that, but us educated types know better.  Again though, I chose to just enjoy the film, mostly.

On enjoying the film, it was easy, because there were some incredibly imaginative special effects and some kick ass kill shots, where Bay slowed down the action, as mentioned before . . . answering his critics to let people experience as much as possible.  There were some intense, suspense-laden shots which looked seamless to me, even with the 3D perspective.  I didn’t feel like I was watching a cartoon, and when the action shifts to Chicago . . . you are gonna be BLOWN AWAY, shit gets real and except for one convenient, literal, entanglement of a lead transformer hero, the action is pretty serious.  The stakes for Earth have never been so high!

There are some nice cameos in the film that offer geeks like me something to cheer about, and I am not going to spoil the surprise for you here.  Suffice to say, Bay got a butt-load of talented folks to sign on to this, and a few people that you may or may not like actually played themselves to the delight of the audience I was with.  Everyone knows Megan Fox is out of this one, and while they took a jab at her in the film, they also paid homage to her hotness in several ways.  I think the Fox/Huntington-Whiteley debate will be like the Van Halen argument that still rages on – yes, Fox has a huge ego, but she also stirred a lot of publicity for the franchise and played the perfect “real life” villainess.

My one real complaint about the overall Bay series has been the same since the first one came out – it gets to be tricky to differentiate the transformers, and sometimes when there is a battle you are like, ok, I see two robots battling (oh, yes, I went there) and I just don’t know who is who – with exception to the leads, of course.  And, on that note, a few of the old guard transformers die in this film – and one execution scene may be too violent for anyone under eight or so.  Yes, they are robots, but yes, they do die.

Because this was such a long film, there is a need to screen it more than once to really capture every subtle thought or feeling.  But, I can say I didn’t walk out of the theater feeling like I had wasted my time, and I didn’t feel like it was going on and on, I am sure others will disagree.  I would wager there will be those out there that will delight in tearing this one to shreds . . . and, more power to them.  There is certainly enough to work with to be torn down, but this was not a crap movie.  “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” was exactly as billed, a 3D Summer Blockbuster, i.e. pop-corn flick that you see with your buddies and you just want to watch shit blow-up and have a few laughs.  As far as I am concerned, Bay delivered that and more. We say it a lot at iratefilms, but it bears repeating, some films are made for pure entertainment value – there doesn’t need to be a wise-ass script, a lesson, a twist or any of that shit – just entertain us and we are happy.  I think Dark of the Moon foot the bill.