(2 People gave this 2.00 out of 5)

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Fee Fi Fo Fum, I hear the snores of boredom!

The H-Bomb: Over the last couple of years, we’ve been seeing a new trend coming out of Hollywood, the revisionist fairy tale, where they take classic stories and give them a “modern” twist. Like, for example, taking the main characters from said stories, giving them weapons, reinventing them as ass-kickers, and casting attractive young actors who look way too contemporary for the story’s medieval setting. Thanks to this, we’ve gotten to see Snow White in a suit of armor, and Hansel & Gretel re-imagined as witch hunters, all in a cynical attempt to make these timeless fables “cool” and market them to the hip (and potentially lucrative) adolescent demographic. Now, Jack and the Beanstalk is the latest fairy tale to fall victim to this trend, as its young hero has been transformed into a “giant slayer.”

Much like A Good Day to Die Hard, the set up for Jack the Giant Slayer is laughably convoluted, so I shall try to spit it out as concisely and coherently as I can. Once upon a time these giants came down from their giant world in the clouds and waged war with mankind. Then along came a king who had a special crown. This magic crown had power over the giants, as basically whomever possessed this crown could control them. The king used the power of the crown to banish the giants back to their world, between Heaven and Earth (God, I feel fucking stupid writing this). When this king died, he was buried with the crown, as well as with the magic beans that can grow the humongous stalks that act as bridges between the giants’ world and our own.

Jumping ahead several generations, to a point in time when the story of the giants is thought to be only a myth, a young, peasant farm boy named Jack (Nicholas Hoult), is at the castle trying to sell his horse when he encounters a monk who is eager to take the horse off his hands. As payment, he gives Jack these beans that he insists are very special and very valuable. Before Jack really has a chance to turn down this amazing offer, the monk jumps on the horse and tries to escape the castle walls.

As we already know, this monk is on the run from Roderick (a hammy Stanley Tucci), a dastardly villain who stole the magic crown and beans from the king’s tomb. His plan, surprisingly, is to use the crown and the giants to take over the kingdom himself.

Unfortunately for everyone, Roderick happens to be one of the current king’s top advisers, and is set to marry his beautiful young daughter, Princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson, who’s about as lively as a wooden plank). Isabelle, naturally, does not want to marry this creepy, ugly middle-age guy, and runs away in the middle of the night.

And wouldn’t you know it, she runs right into Jack’s farmhouse. The two of them had a strange run-in earlier that day, and as they converse, they realize that there’s a spark between them (at least the movie would like us to think there is). Of course, nothing could ever come of this romance, as he’s a peasant, and she’s royalty, and there are laws against them hooking up.  But there is a spark, nonetheless. As all this is happening, one of the magic beans, which Jack accidentally dropped into the cellar, starts to grow into a giant beanstalk that shoots up into the sky, taking his farmhouse, and the princess, with it.

Before Jack knows it, the king, along with his entire army, is standing in front of him, demanding to know where his daughter is. All Jack has to do is point up at the giant beanstalk behind him, and a rescue party, including Jack and the evil Roderick, is formed to ascend the stalk up into the clouds to fetch the fair maiden. To make a long story short (too late), what they find at the top of the stalk are some very pissed off giants, thirsty for the blood of some Englishmen. Oh, and Ewan McGregor plays a knight.

Ugggh… what can I say about Jack the Giant Slayer, other than it serves as yet another perfect example of why you should never go to movies that are released this time of year. I hate that I’m being so down on films lately, but part of my job is to be straight up and honest, and honestly, this flick bored me stiff. Oh, there were some nice special effects, as both the beanstalk and the giants looked like real, physical things with weight and life to them, and not just like images drawn in a computer. There was plenty of action to spare, but because I wasn’t invested in the shallow, thinly drawn characters, I wasn’t invested in any of it. In fact, I would say this movie has the least involving action scenes since Zack Snyder’s ill-conceived Sucker Punch, and, with the exception of a scene where a giant swallows a bee hive, they somehow manage to be even less memorable.

What truly boggles my mind is that this dreary, soulless fantasy yarn was directed by Brian Singer, the man who made The Usual Suspects, which is one of the greatest crime thrillers in existence. Granted, I haven’t been impressed with anything else he’s done, as I never cared about X-Men, and his Superman movie bored me even more than this did, but man, I can’t get around the idea that he could make something this utterly generic.

From the lazy design of the giants, which are well-rendered, but basically look like Orcs left over from The Hobbit, to the “Real 3D,” which is flatter than a Kansas landscape, I just get the sense that Singer really, truly did not give a shit with this one. That this was nothing more than a payday for him.

The actors could’ve helped, had the undernourished screenplay given them anything to work with. Leading man Hoult tries to add a quirky sense of self-deprecating humor to Jack, but the character is written as the cliched, timid, unlikely hero who follows an all-too-predictable arc. The fact that he and leading lady Tomlinson had absolutely no chemistry whatsoever only made it worse. As for what I thought of Tomlinson’s performance…the CGI beanstalk acted circles around her, need I say more? Tucci, as the conniving human antagonist, does the requisite scenery chewing, and he seems to be having a lot more fun than anyone in the audience, so good on him. Then we get to McGregor, playing a valiant, heroic knight who is treated as a complete afterthought and seems completely extraneous. He brings absolutely nothing to this undeveloped character, and ultimately, he’s as out-of-place in this movie as his inappropriately modern hairstyle.

Trust me, folks, if the studio who released Jack the Giant Slayer actually wanted people to go see it, they wouldn’t be releasing it in the first week of March. This “revisionist” fairy tale is an unspeakably dull butt-burner that goes on way too long, and as icing on the cake, puts the audience through a series of false endings before finally rolling the credits. It has no sense of adventure, no sense of wonder, no sense of excitement, and there is absolutely, positively no reason for anyone to see it.

[Swift aside: And THAT folks, is why we are the 'viciously ruthless' movie critics]

(1 People gave this 1.00 out of 5)

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A desperate father convinces a federal prosecutor and the DEA to let him go undercover to help free his son from a mandatory minimum ten year sentence for drug trafficking. In a nutshell, that’s a pretty interesting premise, provided you can suspend enough disbelief that this option would be viable enough for a federal prosecutor to bite down on.

Jason Collins (Rafi Gavron), the estranged son of John Matthews (Dwayne Johnson), agrees to help a friend out and hold onto a stash of ecstasy. Unfortunately for Jason, it was a set up and next thing you know, he’s in prison for a minimum of ten years. Do not pass go, do not collect two-hundred dollars. He could reduce his sentence, however, if he implicates someone that leads to an arrest. Sadly, the only drug dealer he knows is the very one that set him up. If you read the first paragraph, the rest of the story is pretty self-explanatory.

As far as the story goes, it completely fell short of decent. The pacing was sporadic, the action was sparse, and let’s face it, the lead was miscast. That last part really hurt what could have been a 3 star affair. From his Ram ‘tough’ 1500 down to his (I’m guessing) ‘Tough Solar’ G-Shock, everything screams ‘Tough S.O.B’. Even John Matthews is a hulking, beast of a man, not the unassuming construction company owner that we’re led to believe he is. However, I don’t think you can blame the casting company, considering the lead was also in the Producer’s chair. I’m assuming Johnson wanted to stretch his acting chops from his normal comedy and action affair. He’s getting better, but you can tell he was slightly out of his depth at times.

Daniel James (Jon Bernthal…Shane, for you Walking Dead fanatics) completely dominated every scene he was in. Had he and Dwayne Johnson swapped roles, Snitch would have effortlessly gained a star at best (only hampered by the writing). James, an ex-con, was integral to Matthews’ scheme to free his son. However, he neglects to tell Matthews what’s going on, endangering both their families lives.

Considering Justin Haythe, the writer for Revolutionary Road, get’s co-writer credit for this, I’m really cringing to see what he did to the Lone Ranger. Unlike Revolutionary Road, however, Snitch isn’t a  complete snooze-fest, but it’s hardly an edge of your seat popcorn thriller either.

Enjoy at your peril.

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Stand Up Guys brings together the talents of Three Academy Award Winners; Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, and Alan Arkin. The chemistry among them is outstanding, but hokey comedy, and a lackluster story makes this a movie that really doesn’t live up to the hopes I had before seeing it. The different aspects of the movie can be somewhat confusing and leaves the audience wondering what era the movie even takes place in. Also, the way certain things play out are rather predictable, but still it offers some cheap laughs at times. The only thing that was really going for Stand Up Guys was the amount of acting talent involved.

Stand Up Guys starts off with two old friends reuniting for the first time in 28 long years. Val (Al Pacino), is getting released from prison, and his best friend Doc (Christopher Walken) is there to receive him. It begins somewhat like the beginning to The Blues Brothers. This is the first of many different movies that Stand Up Guys takes a few cues from. Val and Doc then make their way to chat over a cup of coffee. While drinking their coffee, and catching up on old times, Doc tells Val that since he is out it is up to him what he wants to do. Val quickly comes up with the idea of the company of a woman, and the two make their way to a brothel known by the two of them. When they arrive at the brothel, they are greeted by Wendy (Lucy Punch).

Wendy is the daughter of the former owner and quickly offers up her best girl to Val.  Not much time passes before Val is back amongst Doc and Wendy, unable to rise to the occasion. Doc asks Wendy if she has anything to help with the situation, but she unfortunately is out. Val and Doc then make their way to a pharmacy, break in, and start taking all sorts of different medications that are needed. There are a few laughs offered up here, and it plays off the fact the two are in their twilight years. People know what to expect when Val literally takes multiple “little blue pills”. Val and Doc then make their way back to Wendy’s, and the rest speaks for itself.

While Val is enjoying the company of a lady, Doc needs to make a phone call. Doc calls their old boss, Claphands (Mark Margolis). Claphands reminds Doc that he needs to take care of Val in a timely fashion, before ten the next morning. Doc now faces a conundrum of having to ‘off’ his best friend in a matter of hours. While Doc is experiencing this problem, Val bounces out of the bedroom and is ready for a drink.

The next scene takes place in a bar where Val exudes his charm with some younger ladies, and then proceeds to snort different medications that Doc picked up at the pharmacy. Val then starts to not feel so well, and decides that Doc needs to take him to the hospital. While at the hospital, they read the nametag of the nurse, Nina Hirsch (Julianna Margulies). The two used to runaround with her father, and after catching up with her the Doctor arrives. The drugs that Val snorted didn’t seem to be the major problem, the pills Val took earlier had truly taken over. This leads to what can only be described as painful looking to men, and the best part of everything is the reaction that Walken offers in this scene. This was all rather predictable but helps to move the plot along in a fun way.

Doc takes Val to his favorite place to get a bite to eat. This is where we are introduced to Alex (Addison Timlin). Doc orders the same thing he always does, and Val orders like it may be his last meal. During this scene, Val tells Doc that he knows there is a hit on him ordered by Claphands, and finally gets Doc to confess that it is him that has to do it. The two are leaving the diner, and Val decides that they need a new mode of transportation, a new model Dodge Charger. Doc is a little concerned due to the fact everyone knows who the car belongs to, and that should be enough to not touch it, but Val thinks otherwise.

The humor comes when Val is trying to figure out how to start the vehicle, and Doc is explaining it to him. Val and Doc then make their way to bust out their old friend, Hirsch (Alan Arkin), from the retirement home he is in. Hirsch quickly jumps at the chance to leave the home, and quickly gets behind the wheel. We once again experience the difficulties of how to start the car, but after that it’s a joyride of all joyrides for the trio. The way the guys interact with each other in the scenes is fun, and the dialogue is fun and fresh. This leads to a fun little chase scene, and a talk about the one wish Hirsch didn’t get to experience.

Now that Hirsch has told Val and Doc about his one wish, it’s back to see Wendy. Hirsch wants to be with two ladies, and after some convincing, Hirsch gets his wish. Doc and Val continue to talk about things, and how everything will play out. Next thing you know, both the women are falling all over Hirsch proclaiming their love for him, and how they are forever ruined for other men. This scene was rather humorous simply by the way that Arkin plays everything off like it’s no big deal. This is the point in the movie where we meet yet ANOTHER person that does nothing for the movie, or the progression of the film.

The guys hear a knocking in the trunk and pull over to find Sylvia (Vanessa Ferlito) tied up and naked. We get her back-story, and its back to the diner for more food. The guys decide, after hearing Sylvia’s story, to exact some revenge. This whole part does nothing for the story, and really didn’t need to be in the movie. It felt thrown in, and instead of making more witty banter amongst the three friends we get a completely pointless scene.

Well, this leads us to the inevitable scene that the audience KNEW was going to happen. Val and Doc make their way back to the car only to find Hirsch has passed away. Can we get a movie where Alan Arkin doesn’t play dead after a small, but valuable role? [Swift aside, see Argo, David]  Val and Doc then make their way to explain to Nina what happened. In a scene that is very far-fetched, and really somewhat hokey, the three find a backhoe and bury Hirsch next to his wife. Really, a backhoe in the cemetery, and they just dig a hole and throw him in? How does this make any sense in any way? This is basically where the movie has completely gone off the rails and is no longer fun. There is one scene in which Val is going to confession, but it’s too little too late at this point. I won’t spoil the end of the movie, and how everything plays out for those who want to see Stand Up Guys, but it’s easy to see why this movie was delayed in release and maybe you should delay seeing it until DVD.

I really was excited about seeing this movie, especially after seeing the trailer for it. Unfortunately, most of the good parts were in the trailer; and aside from a few humorous parts, it was a major letdown. If you’re a fan of Pacino, Walken, or Arkin, you may be disappointed. The fact all the jokes revolved around their ages, there were so many lines taken from other movies, and just parts that were confusing make this movie not live up to the potential it could have. The laughs in the first part of the movie truly don’t make up for all the flaws that were encountered throughout the whole thing. If you pay close attention you will see things that will leave you scratching your head too, and wondering what exactly were they going for in the scene. Overall, the acting was great, but too many flaws – - – just leave Stand Up Guys lying down.

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The saw is family…

The H-Bomb:  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre series has to be one of the most confusing, disjointed franchises in the history of cinema.  Not because the movies are hard to follow, but because there is, for the most part, no continuity from film to film.  First, there was Tobe Hooper’s 1974 masterpiece, which few will dispute is one of the greatest horror films ever made.  Then came Part 2 in 1986, and despite being directed once again by Hooper, it was tonally and stylistically a complete 180 from the original.  Even though it’s gained a cult following, at the time of its release, no one knew what to make of it, and everyone hated it.  A few years later, Part 3 came along, which ignored Part 2, declaring itself the “True Sequel” to Part 1.  Then came a fourth one, which ignored both 2 and 3, and declared itself the “True Sequel” to the original.  In 2003, we got The Texas Chainsaw Massacre “re-imagining,” which ignored all the previous movies, including the original.  That was followed by a prequel that no one gave a bull’s backside about, and now we have, even though no one asked for it, Texas Chainsaw 3D, which hits the reset button yet again, disregarding all the sequels, prequels, and remakes, and calls itself… you guessed it, the “True Sequel” to the 1974 film.  Confused yet?  I certainly hope so.

I will say this for Texas Chainsaw 3D, of all these various sequels claiming to be the one, “real” sequel, it’s the one that probably comes the closest, in that it picks up directly where the original ended.  Soon after Sally, the first film’s sole survivor, escapes from the farmhouse that Leatherface and his cannibalistic kin calls home, the town Sheriff, as well as a lynch mob of local cousin fuckers, show up looking to take Leatherface down one way or another.  After the predictable shootout, which plays like a shittier version of the opening stand off from The Devil’s Rejects, the farmhouse is burned to the ground, and all of Leatherface’s family is killed.  All except for two.  One is Leatherface himself, who somehow managed to slip away during the gun battle, and the other is an infant, who is discovered in the burned ruins of the house and adopted by a member of the lynch mob.

Cut to modern day, and this will create a serious logistical fuck up, we see that the baby has grown up to become Heather (Alexandra Daddario), a pretty art student in her twenties.  Out of the blue, she receives a letter telling her that she’s inherited a large house in rural Texas from a dead grandmother she never knew she had.  She doesn’t want to make the road trip by herself, so she’s accompanied by her boyfriend, Ryan (Trey Songz), her slutty BFF, Nikki (Tania Raymonde), Nikki’s boyfriend, Kenny (Kerim Malicki-Sanchez), as well as Darryl (Shaun Sipos), a hitchhiker they pick up after nearly running him over with their Mystery Machine.

Once they arrive at Grandma’s house, the first thing they notice is that the old lady was really into security, as there are locked doors all over the place.  Everyone assumes that Granny was just a little paranoid, as the house is huge, with lots of nice things inside of it.  However, there is one door that absolutely should not be opened under any circumstances… the big door down in the basement.  For behind that door, and I’m not spoiling anything, resides a mentally challenged mass murderer who likes to wear people’s faces as masks, and whose weapon of choice is a certain gas powered cutting tool.

As you may have already surmised, some dingus does open that basement door, and for the first time in decades, Leatherface is let loose with his chainsaw roaring, and it really doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out where it all goes from there.

I said recently in another review that sometimes going into a movie with low expectations can actually be a good thing, and my expectations for Texas Chainsaw 3D were at about a cockroach’s eye level.  I went in anticipating something truly abysmal, something so bad it might even rival TCM4 as being the worst of the series… and after the movie was over, I thought, “It wasn’t that bad.”  Don’t get me wrong, it’s still pretty shitty, with a weak, routine plot, terrible acting for the most part, and characters who are so paper thin that calling them underdeveloped is something of an understatement.  Make no mistake, Texas Chainsaw 3D is indeed a bad movie… it’s just not the tremendous, horrendous travesty that some have been claiming it to be.

Of course if one were to nitpick this plot, there would be quite a bit to complain about.  Take the one big logic gaffe that everyone who has seen this flick is talking about, the age of the heroine.  She is an actress in her early twenties, playing a character who is obviously in her early twenties.  The thing is, the very beginning of the film, when the character is an infant, is set in 1973.  The rest of the film, as we can see from the date of death on the grandma’s gravestone, takes place in 2012.  Do I really need to do the math for you people?  This chick should be pushing forty!

It’s that issue that indicates the true reason why Texas Chainsaw 3D is a bad movie, everything about it, from the writing to the way it was shot, just feels so fucking lazy.  Watching this flick, I really got the feeling like it was made by Lionsgate on the quick and cheap, as a way of maybe jump starting a new horror franchise, since their other “Saw” series (which gets an unfunny nod here) is done.  The story, with the exception of a “twist” at the end, is totally devoid of imagination.  The characters (or more appropriately, the chainsaw fodder) are total stock horror movie stereotypes with about as much depth as a puddle of piss.

There’s absolutely no suspense in the movie, or even any tension to speak of.  John Luessenhop’s direction is flatter than a squashed armadillo on a Texas highway, and about as uninspired as uninspired can get.  Say what you will about the Michael Bay produced remake, at least that felt cinematic, like a film made to be experienced in a theater.  This looks and feels more like a TV movie with gore in it.  One scene with potential, that Lussenhop blew completely, was a sequence in which Leatherface goes rampaging through a local carnival.  Just think of the possibilities, because Lussenhop sure as hell didn’t… damn, what a wasted opportunity.  And, before I forget, I should note that for a movie with 3D in the title, there are only two shots that actually bother to utilize it (one of which is of the chainsaw protruding from the screen, where the chainsaw is out of focus!), making it so not worth the extra dollars for a 3D ticket.

Now, even with all the numerous flaws, the movie is still fairly easy to sit through.  At least I was able to sit through it (what a ringing endorsement), and, unlike V/H/S, it actually knew when to fucking end.  It doesn’t shy away from the guts and gore, as many a redneck are mangled and disemboweled via chainsaw, so the more blood thirsty members of the audience will get what they paid for and leave happy (though the CGI blood looks as fake as ever).  The script, which was pretty worthless and half-assed for the most part, does feature a “twist” involving the lead character and Leatherface that is kind of interesting, however, when one stops to seriously think about it, it really doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.  Still, just taking the twist in stride, it shows that someone at some point at least put an iota of thought into this thing, which is more than can be said for that piece of shit Part 4.

Those few slightly redeeming aspects out of the way, Texas Chainsaw 3D is still a long ways away from being a good movie, and unless you’re a die hard fan of the series who absolutely must see good ol’ Leatherface bash in heads and saw off limbs on the big screen, this is not worth checking out in the theater.  It, as I said, sure as hell is not worth the thirteen bucks to see the almost non-existent 3D.  This obvious cash grab is a Redbox rental at best, and for most people, it won’t even be worth that.

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Rust and Bone is a triumph in it’s performances but a slug in it’s narrative. Marion Cotillard (Inception, La vie en rose) and Matthias Schoenaerts give Oscar-worthy performances. The film sets up an interesting premise with engaging characters, but lingers on it’s second act for too long and grows dull.

Rust and Bone tells the story of Stephanie (Cotillard), a women who loses her legs in a tragic accident, and Alain (Schoenaerts), a single father down on his luck trying to support and care for his son. Alain is an ex-boxer who starts to re-enter the fight scene as a backyard street fighter as Stephanie struggles to readjust to her new way of life. The film follows the two as they grow together and adapt to the circumstances life has dealt them.

The film is executed in a very raw and intimate fashion. Handheld shots put us next to the characters, into the scene, walking beside them and watching every moment unfold. This is where the film throws up it’s first red flag. The pace of this film is so deliberate that interest begins to wane. The filmmakers play out every moment in such grueling, meticulous detail that the emotion and sentiment is completely sucked from the scene. There isn’t anything unique about the execution of this film either. We’ve seen this visual style in much better films such as The Wrestler, Biutiful, or Blue Valentine.

Director Jacques Audiard’s previous film “A Prophet (Un Prophete)” is a film I love, so my expectations were very high going into Rust and Bone. The two films almost feel like they were made by a different filmmaker. A Prophet was tense and engaging. Everything felt necessary and contributed to the building of the world within the frame. However, with Rust and Bone, I felt very much the opposite. Entire scenes felt redundant or just completely unnecessary.

The huge saves for this film are the performances. Cotillard and Schoenaerts are both stunning to watch. They ground the film in a way the writing fails to. Whatever honesty and genuine heart the film fails to bring through the screenplay, both actors offer up.

Although the second act is a drag, the first and third act are almost entirely successful. The first act does well to establish characters that we would like to follow throughout the film, but the end feels completely unearned. As I felt the film coming to a close, everything began to feel tacked on. Its as if they knew nothing interesting had happened for the whole body of the film and needed to compensate by raising the tension with random plot points. That being said, the climax was successful in raising the tension and piquing my interest after a lazy second act, but it was not enough to redeem the film as a whole.

If you are interested in becoming an actor, I’m sure watching this film could be a masterclass. If you are looking for engaging cinema, look elsewhere.

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Why mixing sub-genres is never a good idea.

The H-Bomb: A gang of annoying douche bags, who typically earn money by selling videos of themselves sharking women, are hired to break into a house and steal a videotape. They’re not told exactly what the tape is, just that they’ll know it when they see it. So they break into the place, and find an old man dead in the living room, surrounded by stacks of VHS tapes. Since they have no clue which one of these is the one they were hired to take, they make themselves comfortable next to the dead guy and start watching them one by one.

The first tape (“Amateur Night”) shows footage shot with spy glasses of three college guys on Spring Break who go out to a bar with the intention of bringing a girl back to their hotel room, where they plan on having sex with her while the guy with the spy glasses secretly records it all. The guy with the glasses is approached by a cute young lady at the bar, who keeps telling him, “I like you” over and over again. She ends up going back to the room with them, and while they think she’s a little weird, they have no idea how weird until, naturally, it’s too late.

The second tape (“Second Honeymoon”) is a seemingly innocent vacation video of a young married couple taking a road trip through the American Southwest. It’s all perfectly normal and uneventful, until the first night in their motel room, when a young woman knocks on their door asking for a ride the next morning. They find the situation a little odd, but don’t really think anything of it. Later that night, after the couple has gone to bed, someone sneaks into their room, and videotapes them while they sleep. No good can come of this…

The third tape (“Tuesday the 17th”) involves a young woman taking three friends out to a remote lake in the woods where she vacations annually. The friends think they’re going out there to swim, drink, smoke weed, and screw (ya know, things that young people never do in horror movies), but the young woman actually has a darker ulterior motive: to use her friends as bait to lure out a serial killer, who attacked her there years before. Here’s the odd catch, the serial killer is invisible to the naked eye, he can only be seen on video camera.

The fourth tape (“The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger”) is made up entirely of Skype conversations between college student Emily, and her boyfriend James, who is away at medical school. They start out with typical long distance relationship conversations, but then things start to happen to Emily. First, she wakes up one day to find an unexplained lump under her arm, almost as if something has been implanted under her skin. Then, late at night, she starts to see what she believes is the ghost of a young child in her apartment.

The fifth tape (“10/31/98″) involves four friends who are going to a party on Halloween Night, 1998. They arrive at the house of the party and, strangely, don’t find anyone inside, that is, until they go up into the attic. What they find up there are people who are not exactly celebrating Halloween in the normal sense…

In fact, there is not a lot of normal anything to be found in the whole of V/H/S. Usually, if I say that about a movie, I’d be paying it a compliment, but in this case, I’m not. I suppose ATM should have taught me to avoid horror movies with initials for a title, but I heard so much buzz around V/H/S, that my curiosity was piqued. Unfortunately, a movie’s hype and my own tastes don’t always align, and in this case, I just wasn’t feeling it.

For me, V/H/S’s biggest liabilities are its structure and premise. It combines two sub-genres of horror, the anthology film and the found footage film. Both have their strengths; anthology films tend to offer variety in the stories. Found footage, if done well, can come off as being “real,” thereby making them more effective. Both, however, also have their weaknesses; anthologies, particularly when more than one director is involved (as is the case here), can be very uneven, and found footage can come off as sloppy and amateurish. In the case of V/H/S, it inherited more of the bad than it did the good.

Personally, I thought V/H/S was at its worst during the first half hour, covering the opening of the wrap-around story, as well as “Amateur Night.” It did improve a bit after that, but Holy fucking Hell the first thirty minutes of this thing were torturous! I mean pulling my fingernails out by the roots, sticking needles in my my ballsack kind of torturous! It got to where I was on the verge of saying “Fuck this” and turning it off. The handheld camera work was at its absolute worst, so relentlessly shaky and ugly to look at that it was making me nauseous. But even worse than that were the characters; completely unlikable, chauvinistic dickheads who were loud, creepy (not in a good way), and just beyond obnoxious. Seriously, you have to see it to even begin to grasp how grating these assholes really were.

After that, the movie did improve once it got to “Second Honeymoon” (directed by the only filmmaker involved with V/H/S that I’m familiar with, Ti West), but not enough to make me forget about that utterly wretched first half hour. Even though things got better, there was something else about most of the stories that I found very irksome: most of them ended very abruptly, and ended in ways that gave no real resolution to what was happening and that were just downright baffling. For obvious reasons, I can’t go into specifics, all I can say is that the ending of pretty much every story made me go, “Huh? What? Wait… what?!” I don’t mind horror movies that are ambiguous, but in this case, it came off as laziness masquerading as ambiguity.

Other ways in which V/H/S came off as lazy were that the stories failed to connect to each other in any kind of compelling way, and the wrap-around story, like the individual vignettes, ended in a very abrupt and unsatisfying manner. The fact that the wrap-story ends before the final story starts really calls out how structurally unsound the film is.

Now, V/H/S, even though I obviously didn’t care for it as a whole, is not without its virtues. Every single vignette, even the worst ones, have moments of inspiration that are genuinely creepy. The girl from “Amateur Night” was effectively weird and scary, and there’s a shot where she’s standing in total darkness that was truly unnerving. There’s a point in the wrap-around story, where we notice that there’s something missing from a chair in the background that shouldn’t be missing. Again, well done. “Second Honeymoon” and “The Sick Things That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger” I thought were actually quite good up until their sudden, confounding non-endings, and “10/31/98″ I liked overall.

So, even though V/H/S does have its positives, they are far outnumbered, and ultimately just completely buried by, the movie’s negatives. The worst aspect of all would have to be the length. I know I’ve been coming down on films a lot recently for being over-long, but in the case of V/H/S, I would be in dereliction of duty if I let it pass without comment. The movie is a solid two hours long. The average found footage flick is typically around 80 to 90 minutes long, and even that is pushing it. So two hours of watching such shoddy camera work is most definitely too Goddamn long!

And the length is the final nail in the coffin of this sub-genre mash-up. Despite a handful of inspired moments, I really did not like V/H/S, nor do I recommend it to anyone, even genre fans. If you do have an affinity for anthology horror films like Tales from the Darkside or Creepshow, or if you enjoy found footage, then I say maybe give it a rent, as you might glean some kind of enjoyment out of it. Otherwise, don’t bother.

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Limacher Low Down: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 brings the “Saga” to a conclusion. I know some will be saddened by this, and some will be elated; the question is will the ending justify the fans? If you have read my previous reviews of several of the Twilight movies, you’ll know that I have been rather generous for what they were. Breaking Dawn Part 2 has officially made me reach the point of utter frustration and glad the “Saga” is over! What makes a person who has generally been polite feel this way? Well, I will get to that…

[ Click for the Volturi Guards interview ]

Breaking Dawn Part 2 picks up right where Part 1 left off. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), now Bella Cullen is officially a vampire. Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) had to change her to save her from the birth of their child, Renesmee. This part we already know, but the film quickly jumps into Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) having a new relationship with Renesmee and the Cullen family. The scene that follows was supposed to be HIGH tension, but people were LAUGHING! The acting was THAT BAD in this part. I felt as watching it that the actors realized this was it for them having to be in these movies, and they basically phoned in their performances. When a scene that is supposed to be taken seriously has the audience laughing, that’s never a good sign. After the tension is resolved, the Cullens suggest that they tell Bella’s father; Charlie Swan (Billy Burke), that she has passed, but Jacob takes matters into his own hands. This scene will make the ladies happy, and Billy Burke, once again, does a great job of adding an actual humorous element to the movie. It adds humor, where humor was intended to be, unlike previous scenes.

Next, Bella starts to learn of her new found strengths. She even goes so far as to challenge the “strongest” Cullen, Emmett (Kellan Lutz). Everything seems fine with the Cullens and their new family dynamic, but not all is well in Forks. The whole scene comes across as cheesy and bad. The special effects are terrible, and this could have been cut out completely. I am sure some people will enjoy the laughs at how bad this is, but most people will just shake their head at how awful the whole thing plays out. Also, Bella’s first hunt offers some really bad acting and poor CGI. These movies have made a TON of money, and this is the best they can do for their fans? I quote Ron Burgundy when I say “That is Bush; that is Bush League!”

The Volturi have gotten word of Bella being turned and they seemingly offer a token to show their acceptance. While Bella and Jacob are out playing with a rapidly aging Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy), they are discovered by another vampire who doesn’t like what they see. Bella and Jacob return to the Cullen’s house and alert Dr. Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli) and Esme Cullen (Elizabeth Reaser) of what had happened, but they seem not concerned about the consequences. Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) sees into the future and quickly learns that the Volturi will be coming to wage war with the Cullens. This is where the movie begins to morph into what people are seemingly waiting for, the big scene where all hell breaks loose.

Since the Cullen’s are greatly outnumbered, they start to spread the word of their story, and even start recruiting old friends to assist them. Vampires from different cultures come together, and yes, the acting from some is decent, but overall it just leaves an even worse taste in your mouth. The most intriguing “recruits” are a duo from Romania, Stefan (Guri Weinberg) and Vladimir (Noel Fisher). While most of the recruits are worrisome and ready to fight the Volturi if needed, Stefan and Vladimir are more excited and willing than anyone else. This scene is interesting in how the group comes together and discusses stories of their past and sharing with each other. I felt as if this scene could have lasted longer and gotten more in depth with reasons why they have all come together. In a sense, it felt rushed and for that seemed to be lacking.

This leads us to the climactic build-up people have been waiting for, the standoff. The Cullens and friends have gathered awaiting a battle, and not much longer the Volturi arrive. Aro (Michael Sheen), the leader of the Volturi comes forward to see what the fuss is all about. In tow with him, as always, are Caius (Jamie Campbell Bower), Marcus (Christopher Heyerdahl), Jane (Dakota Fanning), and their body guards Demetri (Charlie Bewley) and Felix (Daniel Cudmore). The reason I mention the other members of the Volturi that are with Aro is because they each have their own feelings and interpretations on the situation. Aro is very smug and honestly portrayed well.

I couldn’t help but sit there thinking, why wasn’t there more of this character in the movie? He seems to be having fun with this role and makes it come across as making this character believable. It was one of the things I actually enjoyed the most in the movie. After introductions, and polite banter, the battle begins, and this was actually very well done. As far as fight scenes go, it wasn’t the best, but it got the point across in a structured fashion.  I can honestly say that guys who get dragged to see this movie might actually enjoy this part of the movie. The question is do the Cullens or the Volturi have their way in the end? If you want to know, and haven’t read the books, you’re just going to have to go see Breaking Dawn Part 2 to find out.

I said before, this was the LOWEST I have rated any of the Twilight movies I have seen. The acting was worse than others; THE fight scene was good, but not enough to raise my rating; and the fact that there was so much anticipation thrust upon me for this one, I can honestly say I was let down. I went into the other movies with low expectations, and this one had raised them a little more. I guess if you go to this movie understanding the acting is going to be bad, and that the story is somewhat all over the place, you will enjoy it more than I did. Is this the best way to end a “Saga?” Well, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

(2 People gave this 3.50 out of 5)

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This one you can ‘Cross’ off your must see list.

The H-Bomb:  When a young woman and her three bodyguards are professionally wasted in a wealthy part of Detroit, Detective/Psychologist Alex Cross (Tyler Perry) and his team of dicks (including Edward Burns) are called on to the case.  Now, Cross is a guy with a lot on his plate, as he’s being courted by the FBI to join the Bureau as a profiler, which would mean a substantial increase in income and less hectic hours, both of which could be useful, given that his wife is expecting a third child.

But this murder case is soon going to shoot straight to the top of Cross’s to-do list, when he discovers from a clue that the assassin (Matthew Fox) left hidden in a drawing that indicates that the woman’s murder was just the first of many hits to come.  After connecting a few dots and following a couple of paper trails, Cross deduces that the assassin‘s, who he dubs Picasso, main target is French industrialist Leon Mercier (Jean Reno).

So now that Cross knows Picasso’s target, he figures that setting a trap for him shouldn’t be too difficult.  That’s when Picasso throws Cross a curve, by killing a couple of people who are close to him.  But Picasso has just Crossed the wrong cop, as now it’s fuckin’ personal for our doctor/detective, as he taps into his inner Harry Callahan and goes rogue looking for revenge.  Locked and loaded for bear, he will stop at nothing to bring his man down, even if it means sacrificing his own life in the process.

Alex Cross, created by novelist James Patterson, is a hero who appeared in two prior films, Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider, where he was played both times by Morgan Freeman.  I’ve have seen both of those films one time each, and barely remember either of them, so my dislike for this new film, based on Patterson’s novel “Cross”, has nothing to do with any loyalty I may have to those films or to Freeman’s portrayal of Cross… I thought this new flick just plain sucked.

Directed by Rob Cohen (The Fast and The Furious, XXX), Alex Cross is a slick but dull, uninvolving thriller whose titular character is portrayed by the dull, uninvolving Perry, who sheds his Madea persona and attempts to follow in the footsteps of Morgan Freeman.  Sorry, Mr. Perry, but you are no Morgan Freeman.

The film starts out as your average police procedural that shows the killer in the act, then shows the brilliant detective piecing together what he did and creating a profile for him, “Our killer is sociopathic, narcissistic, methodical, yada, yada.”  It’s not bad, per se, but it’s pretty routine and plodding, and Manhunter did this kind of thing so much better, and with so much more style (so does your typical episode of CSI).

Where Alex Cross truly fails is when things get personal for Cross, and it turns into one of the most half-baked revenge movies I’ve ever seen.  When Perry was doing the straight forward criminal profiler thing, he was okay, but when he transforms into a rage-fueled, vengeance-minded bad ass, he becomes hilariously awful.  Listening to him, with all the conviction and earnestness he could muster, say lines like, “I’ll meet his soul at the gates of Hell!” had me laughing so hard I was choking on my popcorn.  I hate to say it, but Perry makes a much more convincing mad black woman than he does any kind of a tough guy.

There was one point in the movie, when Cross has a very emotional scene with his daughter, where I stopped laughing at Perry and actually started to feel a bit sorry for him… because this little girl in the scene with him was completely acting circles around him!  Had someone like Jamie Foxx been cast in lead, Alex Cross would still be a stale, by-the-numbers cop thriller, but at least it would have had a solid, believable lead actor.  But with Perry, it gets so bad it gains a kind of camp quality, but not enough of one to actually make this dreary flick enjoyable.  Now, if they had cast Tommy Wiseau, then they might have had something…  but I digress.

Getting back to the topic at hand, while the routine script and the terrible lead performance almost completely sink this mess, there is one aspect of the movie that nearly salvages it, Fox’s portrayal of the killer, Picasso.  Chiseled and ruthless, with a panther-like physical prowess, he is fucking scary, and unlike Perry, is totally credible in his role.  I don’t question his cold-blooded killer for an instant.  If Fox played more parts like this, I’d pay more attention to him as an actor, because here, he steals the show.  It’s a shame that his final fight with Cross is ruined by director Cohen’s vomit inducing shaky-cam.

Other fine actors like Burns, Reno, and John C. McGinley, are wasted in throwaway roles.  I must wonder what attracted these actors to these rather bland characters in this rather bland script, other than the paychecks… oh wait, I guess that’s enough these days.  I can’t really say I hated Alex Cross, because overall it’s too generic to hate.  I was, for the most part, just bored by it.  The two lead performances were the only things that held my attention and kept me from dosing off in the theater, albeit they held my attention for two completely different reasons.

Due to circumstances that were completely outside of my control, I missed the press screening for Alex Cross and had to see it on my own dime.  And although I most definitely took a loss on that one, I don’t feel too sore about it, as I’ve heard that Paranormal Activity 4 is just as bad, if not worse.  I truly pity the fools who paid to see that one.

(1 People gave this 3.00 out of 5)

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Swift shot:  Jack Black almost saved this freak-show of a poorly edited farce based on factual events.  Richard Linklater’s style is intact, but it is not something I care for personally.  Credit to him for making it near impossible to discern if these were actors or real interviewees – the professional actors did a tremendous job blending in with the Carthage, Texas yokels.  Matthew McConaughey being the blatant exception; his overacting confused the overall identity of this film.  Was this a typical over-the-top Jack Black comedy, or was it something else?  Black teetered on the edge the whole film, but McConaughey jumped into the snake pit of lunacy with both scuffed bottom, cowboy boots intact and confused the whole film with his antics and bad hair.

Bernie (Jack Black) enters Carthage, Texas literally singing the whole way.  He’s more than a mortician, he is a gentle, giving creature of God who truly believes his calling is assisting families as their loved ones go to meet their creator in Heaven.  At first glance, and when you realize this is based on an actual case in Texas, you roll your eyes at the caricature of such an oddly put together person – I mean, no one is a saint.  And truly, with Bernie, while he is a true believer, he is no match for pure evil in the guise of the town’s feared and loathed Mrs. Nugent (Shirley MacLaine).  After her husband becomes a client of Bernie’s (i.e. he dies) Bernie does what he always does for grieving widows, checks up on them.  He finally enters her good graces and begins his odd relationship with the town’s richest widow.

Eventually Bernie becomes more than just a willing pet to Mrs. Nugent, he becomes a platonic slave of sorts, after she fires her whole staff and takes Bernie on lavish trips around the world and unbeknownst to Bernie, she even changes her will to cut out her family and leave everything to Bernie.  So, when Bernie finally snaps, his choice makes no sense.   But, as one person put it in the film, when you have pure good and pure evil so close together, something is going to give.  You will have to see Bernie, if you can find it in theaters, to find out how everything plays out.  It wasn’t very funny, it was a bit charming and the overall build-up to the final scene was decent.  But I just couldn’t in all honesty recommend this to many people.  Sure, it is a real “critics” movie – but the substance was lacking whilst the acting was impeccable.  So, if you want a wonderfully acted film that lacks true identity, look no further than the oddity that is . . . Bernie.