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Introducing . . . The Mandarin?

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“What in the name of Elvis is going on?”

The H-Bomb: Dave (Chase Williamson) and John (Rob Mayes) were just a couple of typical, twenty-something slackers when they came upon a new mind altering drug called Soy Sauce. A pitch black goo with hair growing out of it, Soy Sauce can “open doors to other worlds” by giving its users an array of psychic powers, as well as making them able to see things normal people cannot… like strange, otherworldly creatures. Other side effects of the Sauce include turning sausages into cellphones and doorknobs into dicks… but let’s not get into that.

Before Dave and John can fully wrap their tiny minds around the new powers this black gunk has given them, they find themselves in the middle of an outrageous plot that involves a full-on invasion of Earth by beings from an alternate dimension. Now, our un-dynamic duo, with their recently obtained extra-sensory abilities, find themselves in the most unenviable position of being the only ones who can stop it. You may want to step back, because shit is about to get freaky.

I kept the plot synopsis for John Dies at the End deliberately general, because if I tried to go into any real detail describing this thing, I would, in all likelihood, only confuse you. Sure, I could tell you about the demonic monster assembled from meat products, or the flying mustache bat creature, but you really need to see it for yourself for any of it to make even an iota of sense.

Based on a book by David Wong, John Dies at the End is brought to us by screenwriter/director Don Coscarelli, who has dabbled in the extreme abnormal in the past with his Phantasm films (of which there are four), as well as his goofy, but irresistible cult hit, Bubba Ho-Tep. As bizarre as those past flicks were, they ain’t got shit on this one. John Dies at the End is by far, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Coscarelli’s most all out bonkers film to date.

Imagine if someone were to drop Naked Lunch, Night of the Creeps, and any adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft into a blender and hit puree, this zany ass horror/sci-fi/comedy thing is what would probably come out. I don’t know how much of the material in here is Wong’s and how much is Coscarelli’s, but it seems like they both threw absolutely everything they could at the wall to see what would stick, and if something didn’t stick, they simply said, “Fuck it. We’ll make it stick, every last bit of it. Even if we have to use fucking super glue, it shall stick. Logic be damned.” This line of thinking has resulted in a genuine work of what-the-fuck cinema that even David Lynch would be proud of.

Granted, this is nowhere near as esoteric or confounding as a Lynch film, it’s still way the hell out there, and often makes no bloody sense whatsoever. But that’s fine, as it’s made clear from the off set that this takes place in a world where anything goes. Literally. We could call this lazy writing, an excuse for the author/filmmaker to just make any damn thing up as he goes, a way to give himself an easy out if he gets stuck story wise, and it probably is, but with a flick this wildly whacked out and unpredictable, not to mention this gruesomely fun, that I can let it slide.

What I can’t let slide, though, is the confusing beginning, a structurally jumbled mess of flashbacks and flash-forwards that’s all over the place, including a bit with a severed head and a broken axe that the film leaves hanging and never comes back to. Once it settles into its framing device with Dave telling his story to a reporter (Paul Giamatti, who also executive produced), all is well, but at first it comes off as scatter-shot and makes us feel a little lost as to where we are in the story.

While I’m complaining, I should also bring up that for a film this ambitious, and it gets pretty damn ambitious, it sports a very low budget, and at times it shows, particularly with the uneven special effects. When it sticks to practical effects, its all good, but when it goes the digital route, it’s like watching a computer game. There are some green screen shots in a cave that just reek of artificial cheese (seriously, is it that hard to film in an actual cave?). The most egregious of the lot, though, is when the film abruptly switches to animation in order to depict a large scale massacre. This, like Kill Bill Vol. 1, is the sort of flick where you can get away with that kind of thing, but the transition is jarring, and they obviously did it this way because they lacked the funds to do it practically.

But enough with my petty gripes, on to the cast, who have given me absolutely nothing to gripe about. Williamson, making his feature debut, plays Dave with just the right balance of sarcasm and bewilderment. We experience pretty much everything through his eyes, and he makes the character easy to relate to and pull for, despite the outrageous circumstances he finds himself in. Mayes, as the John of the title, makes this doofus stoner oddly endearing, even if he is a complete dunderhead. Giamatti brings some weight to the supporting cast as a reporter who isn’t what he seems, as does Clancy Brown, who is funny but underused as Marconi, a superstar televangelist/monster slayer. Fans of Phantasm are in for a particular treat, as a certain Tall Man makes a cameo as a demented priest.

All things considered, John Dies at the End may not be one of the best films of the past year, but it is certainly one of the most original, which should come as no surprise, as it is brought to us from the same director who, ten years ago, gave us an elderly Elvis Presley who is forced to do battle with a soul sucking Mummy in a Texas nursing home. While it doesn’t quite have the heart or charm of his Bubba Ho-Tep, John Dies at the End is every bit as absurdly entertaining, and Coscarelli does manage to somehow make it even more outrageous. On the heels of this, I am certainly curious to see what Coscarelli does next, I can only hope it doesn’t take him another ten years to do it.

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Flawed, but compelling and important.

The H-Bomb:  Bullying is one of the more unpleasant aspects of childhood, I don’t think there is anyone who will argue with that.  For many out there, it’s a sad fact of life, a pain in the ass that’s an inherent part of growing up.  Just about anyone who has experienced bullying firsthand will tell you, it is no fun to endure.  Have I ever been bullied in my life?  Well, I was a fat kid for most of my childhood, so what do you think?  Bullying is something that has gone on for as long as anyone can remember, but over the last few years, it has become more and more of a societal concern, mainly due to the number of kids who have committed suicide because, apparently, they were being bullied relentlessly.  The number of bully-related suicides have grown to near epidemic levels, and parents, teachers, and entire communities seem to be at a loss as to what to do about it.

With the documentary, Bully, filmmaker Lee Hirsch attempts to examine the effects of bullying by following three subjects; Twelve-year-old Alex, a geeky introvert who is both physically and verbally abused by kids on his school bus, and is pretty much friendless at school, sixteen-year-old Kelby, who has been ostracized from her entire Oklahoma town ever since she came out as a lesbian, and fourteen-year-old Ja’Maya, who is in deep legal doo-doo after bringing her mom’s gun onto her school bus and threatening her classmates with it.

The film also introduces us to David and Tina Long, whose eldest son Tyler took his own life at the age of seventeen because of bullying, as well as Kirk Smalley, the father of another bullied child, twelve-year-old Ty, who also committed suicide.  The movie cuts back and forth between these people, as we observe the kids trying to cope with the constant torment, and the adults, parents and various school administrators, as they try, seemingly in vain, to combat this problem.

If I were to give out ratings to films based solely on good intentions, then Bully would earn six out of five stars, easily.  As an indictment of bullying, it is pretty powerful stuff.  It tugs on your heart strings, it pushes your emotional buttons.  When you watch it, you won’t be able to help feeling sad for the awkward-but-sweet Alex when you see what he has to put up with day in and day out, or for the two sets of parents when they talk about the children they’ve lost.  You’ll vacillate between frustration and anger as you watch various school officials refusing to deal with the problem by either saying “boys will be boys” or going into complete denial- there’s an absolutely bubble-headed, brain-dead bimbo bitch of an assistant principal in here who is so fucking inept at resolving bullying issues that you’ll just want to take a fucking crowbar to her head.  Not to hurt her, mind you, just to knock some Goddamn sense into her.

As far as eliciting emotions from the viewer goes, Bully succeeds in spades, there’s no denying that.  It also gets the job done in terms of bringing awareness to the issue of bullying, how truly harmful it can be to the victims, and how it most definitely should not be tolerated.  It more than gets all of that across.  However, when it comes to examining the issue in any kind of deep or truly meaningful way, that is, sadly, where Bully falls short.  Way, way short.

Yes, we see the effects of bullying from the point of view of a few victims and their families, all cherry-picked from rural parts of the heartland.  Unfortunately, that’s just about all we see, and that is the egregious flaw of this documentary- its scope, its focus, is way too narrow.  Other critics have pointed this out, and having seen the film myself, I can say they are absolutely right.  There are so many other angles to this issue, so many other points-of-view, that a comprehensive documentary would have included, but this one simply does not.

Why are there not any child psychologists interviewed in the film, to shed light on why kids bully each other?  Do they do it out of insecurity?  An undeveloped sense of empathy?  Because they themselves are abused at home?  For the lulz?  Why?  Another question that’s never explored, why is it that even though bullying has been around since the dawn of man, only in recent years have children started committing suicide because of it?  Does it have to do with the prevalence of online social networks, like Facebook, where bullying can now follow kids home from school?  Also, if the purpose of this documentary is, in part, to understand bullying, why not interview a bully?  Follow him around, see what his day to day life is like, at school and at home, and see if we can understand why he’s compelled to pick on and torment other kids.  The film never does that.

Another problem with the movie is that it fails to give equal time to its subjects.  The film primarily follows Alex, he’s the one we get to know the best.  We actually see him get picked on while riding the school bus (thanks to an apparently hidden camera) and at recess, as kids punch him in the arms and back, call him names, and even threaten to kill him.  We also watch him at home, as his parents, who know he’s having problems, try to talk to him, and his inability to open up and communicate with them.

Kelby and Ja’Maya aren’t covered nearly as much, and therefore, we don’t come to understand their situations nearly as well.  Kelby talks about the way she’s been treated at school since coming out, but we never see any of this.  In fact, the only townsfolk we see her interact with are her friends, of which she has quite a few.  As for Ja’Maya, all we ever find out about her bullying experiences were that kids on the bus were always calling her “stupid,” which in and of itself just doesn’t sound like enough to drive her into taking a gun onto the bus.  Yet, that’s all we’re ever told.  Pretty weak, pretty damn weak.

However, while Bully is plagued by numerous flaws, ultimately, its intentions do overcome its imperfections.  It’s meant to strike an emotional chord in the audience and to get us thinking about this societal ill, and that it does.  It will make you mad, it will make you sad, it will make you want to reach out and punch someone (like that idiot assistant principal).  You’d have to be one heartless bastard (and in all likelihood, a bully yourself) in order to walk out of this one without being moved.  If you’re a parent, then Bully is a must see.  In fact, it should be required by law that every parent, and every school age child in this country see this movie.  Like the ads for those HBO after school specials used to go, “See it with your kids, see it for your kids.”

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1

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“I’m your worst nightmare.  The kind that makes you cry out for your mother.”

The H-Bomb:  It’s been ten years since Bruce Wayne (Peter Weller) hung up his bat suit and bid adieu to crime fighting for good.  The 53-year-old billionaire now spends his days driving race cars and his nights swilling down scotch with his old ally, Commissioner James Gordon (David Selby), who’s about to join him in retirement.  Now a melancholy type, Wayne has resigned himself to simply sit by and watch as his beloved Gotham City has gone completely to shit over the past decade… and it’s only getting worse.

A new gang of hoods, the Mutants, lead by some gigantic, muscle-headed meatball with razor sharp teeth, have been raising hell all over the place, and have started to gain a real foothold in the city.  While that’s going on, Harvey “Two-Face” Dent (Wade Williams), has supposedly been rehabilitated, complete with surgery that fixed his facial disfigurement, and is being released from Arkham Asylum.  Unfortunately, almost immediately upon being set free, Dent goes right back to his old ways, creating even more mayhem in a city that has already seen more than its fair share of it.

Wayne can no longer stand on the sidelines.  His conscience, his nightmares, won’t let him.  So, against the wishes of his faithful butler, Alfred, as well as the warnings of his own aging body, Wayne dusts off the cape and cowl, and swings back into action, letting the scumbags of Gotham know that they do have something to fear.  The Batman’s return is met with a mixed reaction from the public, as pundits on the tube debate whether his return will help or harm the war on crime.

One Gothamite who’s glad to see him back is Carrie Kelley (Ariel Winter), a young teenage girl who has had her fill of the Mutants terrorizing her city.  Inspired by the Dark Knight’s comeback, she goes out to take on some crooks of her own.  Of course, Carrie has no clue what she’s doing, and in all likelihood will only get herself killed with her foolish antics.  However, if the Batman were to take her under his wing, and teach her a thing or two, she could have potential.  Maybe, just maybe, he’ll find a valuable partner in her…

Just when we thought we were all done with Batman, the fine folks at Warner Premiere hit us with this animated film adaptation of the first half of The Dark Knight Returns, the groundbreaking 1986 graphic novel by Frank Miller and Klaus Janson.  The surface similarities between this and Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Rises are apparent.  They both start with an older Batman, who’s not quite what he used to be, coming back after a lengthy absence.  Both also feature a key plot point in which Batman is forced to confront a physically superior opponent and end up the worse for it.

There are other little bits and pieces that Nolan stuck in as homage, as The Dark Knight Returns is an obvious source of inspiration for the concluding chapter of his Batman trilogy.  The two works, however, are entirely different.  Nolan’s film is somber, dark, and set in a realistic looking universe.  Miller’s story, while dark, is not so much somber as it is satirical, as the politics of having someone like Batman in society, and the debate that would bring about, as well as how such epidemic levels of crime should be fought, are all brought to the forefront.  Miller makes it clear, from how events play out, which side he is on, as the liberal “appeasers” are presented as a bunch of double-talking candy asses who are dangerously naive and completely out of touch with reality.

This political “subtext” is so present and “in your face” that whether or not you agree with Miller’s stance could actually affect your enjoyment of the film.  Me, I don’t feel too strongly one way or the other about it, as I had a helluva lot of fun with this cynical interpretation of the Batman universe.  It’s an intelligently written, surprisingly bloody (parents take note) work that manages to both feel fresh and unique, while honoring this classic character at the same time.  Its pacing is perfect, telling a fairly epic story without ever feeling sluggish or bloated, and the animation, while obviously not Pixar quality, is still beautiful nonetheless.  See this in high def, if you have the capabilities.

As far as the voice acting goes, everyone is good enough, though there is merely one standout among them, Batman himself, as voiced by Weller (the original, and only true Robocop).  His voice is aged, yet strong, with a wise, authoritarian air to it, which makes him perfect for an older Bruce Wayne, and he can sound menacing as hell when he wants to, which makes him perfect for an older Batman.  There’s one scene, in which Batman comes crashing through a wall and grabs a perp from behind, that I could swear is a direct homage to a scene in Robocop.  I haven’t read the graphic novel, so I don’t know if it’s in there or if it was something the filmmakers stuck in to honor Mr. Weller, but either way, I got a nice little kick out it.

[H-Man Trivia: Frank Miller co-wrote the screenplays for Robocop 2 and Robocop 3]

Do I have any issues with the movie?  Yeah, a couple of minor ones… very minor.  There’s a point where Batman picks up a gun and shoots a thug with it.  Granted, he only shoots to wound, but we all know this is still completely out of character for him, as Batman is second only to MacGyver as the hero who hates firearms.  Another problem I had is that the whole Harvey Dent subplot seems peripheral to everything else in the film, and the character disappears way too soon.  He either should have been more essential to the central plot, or not in it at all.

My biggest issue would be that this is Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1, meaning that this is only the first half of the story.  Not a terribly huge gripe, as it does, to an extent, work just fine as a stand alone film, as opposed to say, Kill Bill, Vol. 1, which I do love, but it feels like half a movie.  This one doesn’t have that problem, it’s just that I found it so immensely entertaining, I didn’t want it to end.  Though, I must say, it does end with a fantastic cliffhanger, re-introducing an old friend of Bats, that provides a thrilling set-up for Part 2.  Speaking of Part 2, let me get back to you on that…right now!

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2

Hero non grata.

The H-Bomb:  Three months after making his triumphant return, the geriatric Batman (Peter Weller), and his new Girl Wonder, Carrie (Ariel Winter), continue to wage their war on crime as TV pundits endlessly debate as to whether the Caped Crusader is a hero or a menace.  A new street gang of Bat-inspired vigilantes, the Sons of Batman, has risen to “help” rid the city of its criminal element.  Unfortunately, they’re just a pack of thugs who are every bit as ruthless as the felons they fight, and they’ve only added fuel to the fire that Batman is part of the problem and not the solution.

The mounting pressure to do something about the Dark Knight is being felt on every level of Government, from Gotham’s new Police Commissioner, Ellen Yindel (Maria Canals-Barrerra), all the way up the State and Federal ladders to the Gipper himself (!), who calls in a “special friend” to handle the situation.  But they shouldn’t be too hasty, as Batman’s reemergence has woken the Joker (Michael Emerson) out of years of catatonia, and now he’s on the loose, and reeking all kinds of mass destruction.

This puts Batman in quite a bind, as he has to not only contend with a hostile police force, more determined than ever to take him down, but also battle his lifelong arch-nemesis one last time.  Let’s not forget the president’s “special friend,” who may be too much even for Batman to handle.  Bats, you are getting way too old for this shit.

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1 flat out kicked ass when it landed on DVD/Blu back in October, and after three long months, we finally have the concluding half to this epic animated feature based on the Frank Miller/Klaus Janson graphic novel.  Since I truly dug the first part of Miller’s take on Batman’s golden years, I was mucho excited to see how the rest of this saga would play out.  So, having now taken in Part 2, I can certainly say I liked it… but not as much as Part 1.  Most of it worked, but there were some aspects of the story, in particular the direction it took, that I simply didn’t agree with.

But I’ll get to my hang-ups in a moment.  Let me just say, if you’re a fan of the graphic novel, or of the first half of this film adaptation, or of Batman in general, then this is, without a doubt, requisite viewing.  You will enjoy it, that I can guarantee.  It takes the darkly satirical tone of the first part and goes even further with it.  Yeah, the blind-to-reality hippies are still lampooned, but so is Reagan and the policies of his government during the Cold War.  Yes, this definitely dates the story, but some will relish that the Right is forced to consume as much crow as the Left, this time around.

Like with Part 1, this one moves at a swift pace, while never feeling rushed, and clocks in at a lean 76 minutes. The fact that both movies are under eighty minutes does make me question why it needed to be split in two (aside from obvious financial double-dipping motives).  Some say it’s an animated film aimed at kids, and therefore, for the sake of the children’s limited attention spans, it should be kept short.

Yeah… let’s just examine that claim for a moment, shall we?  One poor sap gets his throat cut with a broken coffee mug, while another fool gets his head crushed by roller coaster gears, and yet another sucker has his eye put out with a Batarang… yeah, this movie is for kids… and Larry Flynt publishes children’s books!  I’m not complaining about the violence, that’s partly what makes these animated flicks work, but like the live action Nolan films, these are absolutely, positively, 100% not for children.

Speaking of Christopher Nolan, it’s interesting to see, just like in Part 1, how influential this graphic novel was to The Dark Knight Rises, and how Nolan appropriated a number of the book’s elements, and weaved them into his film.  One may also notice things that Tim Burton lifted and used his 1989 Batman film, such as the Joker’s chosen method of terrorizing Gotham City.

While I’m on the topic of the Joker, I should point out that Emerson does a fiendishly good job of voicing the legendary villain.  He’s not quite on the same level as Mark Hamill in terms of Joker voice actors, but he’s stellar, nonetheless.  I loved how the final confrontation between the Clown Prince and the Bat played out, with one fiery image that is simply haunting, but I didn’t love that the Joker is merely the secondary villain who’s story thread is resolved roughly halfway through the movie.

The movie’s main villain, or more appropriately, antagonist, is someone else from the DC Comics universe, someone who has crossed over with Batman before.  And now we arrive at my main beef with the story, the direction I really wish it hadn’t taken.  Now, I don’t know how I can go into this, or identify this antagonist without violating iRatefilms’ No Spoilers law, so I’ll merely say he’s not a bird, he’s not a plane.

I have a number of problems here.  First, while there have been past crossovers, I personally feel that these two characters should never share the same universe, because a world that had this unnameable hero would have no need for Batman.  That’s a general gripe.  Something that bugged me about his involvement in this particular story, is that we’re supposed to believe that Batman, an old and feeble Batman at that, could actually hold his own in a fist fight with this character.  Sorry, Mr. Miller, but NO!  Even if he is wearing a special robot/armored suit thing, the answer is still NO!  Come on!

My issues with the movie’s latter section aside, I found Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2 a satisfying, entertaining conclusion to Miller’s dark, mature, and slightly off kilter version of one of the most complex and intriguing comic book heroes ever created.  The graphic novel was considered revolutionary back in the 80′s, and if you loved Nolan’s films, and want to see where those more or less came from, then this two-parter, along with 2011′s Batman: Year One, is absolutely worth seeing.

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Sometimes your life needs a little mess in it.

Swift shot:  Mary, errr, I mean Melissa McCarthy is really growing on me.  For some reason I keep calling her Mary, but maybe one of these days I will get it right!  Speaking of identities, what’s in a name?  I guess if you’ve ever had your identity stolen, this film might offer some therapeutic release where you can see an imagined revenge play out before you.  And, while I wasn’t laughing in every single scene of Identity Thief, I did laugh heartily quite a few times.

Sandy Bigelow Patterson (Jason Bateman) is a mid-level accountant working for a major firm in Denver.  His boss, Harold Cornish, is played by an overtly puffy Jon Favreau who makes sure that the employees aren’t getting bonuses but he and the senior staff will be sure to get hefty checks.  Cornish explains to Sandy, “Read The Fountainhead, I’ll get you a copy.”  So, yea, his boss is not exactly a mensch.  Sandy’s wife, Trish (Amanda Peet) is pregnant with their third child, and Sandy and she are barely getting by.  But, a dastardly criminal mastress, (let’s call her Sandy) doesn’t know, or care to know all that.  All she knows is Sandy Bigelow Patterson has a great credit score and is an easy mark.

Sandy assumes Sandy’s identity and lives it up, like a government employee with an unlimited expense account.  She hits bars, spas, buys water-recreational vehicles, massage chairs, you name it, if she can swipe that card, it’s gonna be hers.  She is also not afraid of the law, or much, really.  At first glance, you really loathe her selfish character.  But her character develops throughout the film.

Sandy quickly discovers, in a very troubling set of circumstances, that he is the victim of identity theft.  Luckily for him, he is a man and his thief is, well, Melissa McCarthy, so once that is sorted out, the police let him go on his not-so-merry way.  All is not completely resolved, as he has just recently decided to jump at his co-worker’s offer to be a VP at a new firm being started in response to Cornish’s heinous “bonus policy.”  That’s great, but, because of his latest encounter with Sandy, his new boss, Daniel (John Cho) is not sure they can even hire him now.  In a desperate (only in the movies) move, Sandy convinces the Denver police and his new boss that he will settle everything and bring this thief to Denver to confess.

Sandy is about to meet Sandy.  Neither one is prepared.

Sandy is in [grumble] “the worst place in America”, my home state, Florida!  She has been living it up near Orlando.  Sandy managed to get information on where she would be, what time, and plans to ambush her and fly her back to Colorado.  Their first meeting doesn’t exactly go as Sandy was planning, but it starts out in one of those, oh, this should be good scenarios.  But, Sandy gets away.  She hightails it home, where she has essentially gathered up enough stuff to rival Pee Wee Herman.  She doesn’t just have one mega-deluxe blender, she has rows of them!  She even has a freakin’ rock-wall in her backyard.

But, Sandy isn’t completely without his resources, and he tracks her down to her McMansion.  There, one of the funniest fights I have seen on the silver-screen takes place.  Kudos to the fight choreographer for making a vicious, yet hilarious, fight come across as painfully believable.
At the house though, things are elevated to “a whole ‘nother level,” as we are introduced to two of Sandy’s partners in crime, Julian (T.I.) and Marisol (Genesis Rodriguez).  To put it bluntly, they are killers, and a surprisingly “bad” cameo plays their boss who orders both of the Sandys killed!  Also, as an outstanding warrant exists for Sandy, a skip-tracer is also on the scene looking for her, played famously by Robert (T2) Patrick!  Paying attention there?  You got a TI and a T2 in the same film!

The skiptracer is without scruples, think of him as a kind of Bobba-Fett; he isn’t stopping until he has his woman.  He’s not a nice guy, folks.

This is, at its heart, a road-trip movie, and all that comes with that theme follows.  There are goofy moments in the car, seedy motels, random characters they come across and even McCarthy’s real life husband, Ben Falcone, surprisingly not Mike (Billy Gardell) makes an appearance.  This is an adult movie, there are adult themes, and when you meet Big Chuck, you just can’t look away.  His scenes will either terrify you or have you laughing til it hurts.

With a bit more heart than I was expecting, Identity Thief does a great job keeping you engaged in the characters, caring about their fate, and rooting for the little guy, or in some cases, the big girl.  You may cry, but you will definitely laugh at all the McCarthy/Bateman insanity.  In classic Bateman fashion, he throws out these little one-liners under his breath, and McCarthy gives it right back.  Some of the scenes may be a bit tacked on, or be just a little too convenient . . . . like when airbags decide to employ, or how two people manage to turn a van back on its side.  But, every comedy has some plot holes, and at some point you just have to live with it and realize the film-makers are doing you a favor by skipping the boring, tedious parts and getting to the moving dialog and the great comedy.

When everything comes to a conclusion, you shouldn’t be too disappointed in this Seth Gordon directed flick, and there is actually a nice message involved.  McCarthy has a really heart-warming moment in front of the camera where she shows off her serious acting skills.  She really is an incredibly talented thespian, and she can throw a mean throat-punch!

It would be a crime to miss Identity Thief.  This article is also available on NerdSpan – Identity Thief

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Warm Bodies is the latest movie to saturate the world with its seemingly never-ending hunger for everything Zombie. The story is unique in presentation and also the way certain things that have never been explored are described. Things such as why do Zombies eat brains, or how do they communicate with one another are just a few of the things that are tackled in Warm Bodies. The love story in it takes notes from other famous love stories, but adds a unique twist to things as well. Now most of you are probably questioning how a Zombie can fall in love, but you just need to leave some things to be explained by the movie, or my review!

Warm Bodies starts off after the Zombie Apocalypse has happened, and the World is being overrun by Zombies. We follow around our main Zombie, R (Nicholas Hoult), who roams around from place to place just observing. R allows us into the mind of a Zombie by using his inner monologue. He tells us that he doesn’t remember much, but uses things to pass the time, and even points out that there are two types of Zombies; those who walk around looking for their next meal, and Bonies. Bonies are Zombies that have given up all hope and no longer have any physical traits that make them look remotely close to human anymore, and they also will attack and eat anything with a heartbeat. The whole setup was humorous, and nicely done. It allows the viewer into the mind of a Zombie; instead of the typical here they come let’s shoot them as we are used to. The fact we now gain a better understanding of a Zombie truly makes the set up enjoyable.

R has a best friend, M (Rob Corddry), who he somewhat communicates with. They can get a word out to each other every now and then, but it’s mainly groans. R tells M that he’s “Hungry” and they make off to find food with a group of other Zombies. Meanwhile, safe inside a guarded area, we see a group of young adults walking together. The group is making their way outside to find supplies needed to help the living survive. The group is led by Perry (Dave Franco), and when his girlfriend, Julie (Teresa Palmer), attempts to hold his hand he quickly recoils and tells her to keep her focus. The group makes their way to a place that they have apparently been before and starts searching for supplies. Julie, inside a building, hears something and is quickly disregarded by Perry as nothing. Well, the group quickly discovers that Julie was right, and is attacked by R, M, and the other Zombies that were in their group.

This whole scene is interesting because it really has the aspects of horror, but it also adds more to the Zombie culture that we previously did not know about. This was explained in my interview with Nicholas Hoult and Teresa Palmer that in Warm Bodies, [Minor Spoiler Alert] when a Zombie eats the brain of a human, they also inherit all that persons memories as well. [End Alert] This is also the scene when R and Julie first meet. How would you feel if a Zombie just stared at you with their dead eyes, and then attempts to help you? Well, that’s the situation Julie was in, but how will this all play out?

READ MY INTERVIEW WITH TERESA PALMER AND NICHOLAS HOULT HERE

R takes Julie back to his place, and does what he can to comfort her. Julie doesn’t quite know what to think about all of this, and the way R communicates with her can be rather confusing. The audience of course has the inner monologue of R going the whole time, but the way Julie reacts tells a different story altogether. The two of them start to somewhat bond, but when R leaves, Julie tries to escape. Now, the following scene is something that most of you will have seen in the trailers with R telling Julie to act like a Zombie, and then tells her “Too Much!” The way everything plays out shows the humor of the movie, and everything that transpires adds more to the development of the relationship between R and Julie.

The only problem with R and Julie is how they explain to their counterparts everything that has transpired in a short amount of time. R meets up with M, and does his best to explain to M the way that he feels and that something has come over him. M at first is troubled by this development, but soon learns and gains greater understanding of everything himself. Shortly after M starts to understand the feelings R is having, there are other Zombies that gain the understanding as well. This is great for them, but could cause problems in the future with the “Bonies.”

Julie and R find a place to lay low, which is until Julie discovers a search caravan, led by her father Grigio (John Malkovich), who is the leader of the humans living inside a barricaded area. Julie quickly understands that she needs to go with her father, and tell him that she is fine, yet try to explain that R saved her and that he is changing. Grigio wants nothing to do with it, and quickly takes Julie back to the safety of the protected area. The following scenes add interest and great intrigue to everything that is going on in the movie. This also adds a different cinematic element.

Now, if you remember, R has memories of the place where Julie is, and he also has memories of how to get in and reunite with Julie. R makes his way into the safety compound, and finds Julie. Julie has been talking to her best friend, Nora (Analeigh Tipton), about R and how he saved her life on several occasions as well as the fact he’s becoming human again. R finally is reunited with Julie and meets Nora. It is now up to Julie and Nora to help disguise R to be able to make his way around the compound without being discovered as a Zombie. This adds another humorous factor to the movie and in a way is homage to Edward Scissorhands.

This is where the movie really hits its stride in moving towards a conclusion. All the questions that one may ask will be answered, and you can enjoy the ride.

Warm Bodies is a fun movie, and definitely can be considered a great date movie. The ride that the audience goes on is unique and fun, while it offers something for everyone. The way the story develops is unique in the way a cure may have FINALLY been found, but will it appeal to ALL audiences? The fact is it may not, but it does have a little something for everyone, and that is what makes Warm Bodies a genuinely fun time at the theater. While it may not be for everyone, it does have a little something that everyone will take away. The movie is quick paced and fun. You will not be bored when the credits roll, and you’ll actually be surprised by how quickly it moves. So, if you’re looking for a movie to go see that has something for everyone, go see Warm Bodies; you won’t be disappointed.

(Give us your rating!!)

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A Zombie film . . . with heart.

Swift shot:  Max Brooks purists, be advised, this film will irk you from the first second, but if you take the fresh pulse to heart, and don’t overly think Warm Bodies, you will find an enjoyable film awaits.  From the opening monologue of R (Nicholas Hoult), this film acknowledges it isn’t one to take seriously.  Yes, it is geared towards a teenage audience, and makes for a great Date Flick, as we discussed with Hoult and co-star, Teresa Palmer, who plays Julie.  Director Jonathan Levine does a good job taking what was originally a short story and fleshing out, so to speak, a decent film.  So whether you are a walker, a biter, or a fighter of the recently formed Zombie Apocalypse Defense Force, this film should at least entertain you.

R, ‘lives’ (for lack of a better word) in an abandoned airport, where he spends his days wandering around aimlessly and imagining what life was like before he became dead, now undead.  He can’t remember his real name, just that he thinks it started with R, so R it is.  He has what humans would consider a friend in M, played brilliantly (of course) by the always on, Rob Corddry.  They really only venture out of the airport whenever they get hungry.

Julie spends her days on her own ZADF of sorts, run by her father Colonel Grigio (John Malkovich) and her boyfriend, Perry (Dave Franco).  Being the Colonel’s daughter, she could easily do nothing, but she chooses to venture out to grab supplies from the town.  Their city, if you can call it that, is protected by a HUGE, probably 20 foot wall with a constant armed vigil in place to prevent, well, exactly what you think . . . an attack by a zombie horde.

As fate would have it, R and Julie, meet, whilst they are both venturing beyond their own walls of security.  Perry doesn’t come out alive, but luckily is also not undead . . . although a piece of him is kept intact.  To give that away would be giving away the best part of the film.  Let’s just say there was a novel explanation of why zombies eat people.

You have to suspend some disbelief as R manages to rescue Julie from pain of death by being ripped to shreds and he brings her to his home, an empty airliner, that R has been filling up with things he has gathered over the weeks, months, years since he became undead.  R is a hoarder, of memories, anything that he can hold onto from the past will hopefully keep him from becoming a ‘boney’ – which is the final, dreadful stage of zombification.  The zombie literally rips his/her flesh from their bones and walks around like a Harryhausen skeleton straight out of Sinbad the Sailor!  Some critics were not thrilled with the special effects of these boneys, but I think it was a nod to Ray.

Original story-writer, Isaac Marion, working with Director/Screenwriter Jonathan Levine had an interesting way of explaining how an actual romance could develop between a human and a walking corpse.  I think divulging that would be giving away a bit of a spoiler, so I will just say that I enjoyed the novelty and the brains behind the whole concept of a Zombie love story.

It’s something that every good Zombie story touches on, even The Walking Dead has characters that are convinced that Zombies can “be saved.”  We know the Governor’s cold heart had only one beat left, for his infected daughter, Penny.  We know that this theme is always something that gnaws at the back of our heads . . . what if these walking cannibals actually DO feel something?  See Warm Bodies for at least one hypothesis . . . with a predictable, yet fascinating conclusion.

While this is a zombie flick, it isn’t ONLY a zombie flick, it has tender moments, a great soundtrack and even a few laughs.  If you pay attention to some of the innuendo between R and Julie, you will probably laugh quite a few times.  They also touched on that in their interview with us.  But, while this zombie flick does have zombies being slaughtered and humans being devoured, there is a lot more focus on the romance between the lovers.  For that reason, when you see this flick, and you really should, keep an open mind and you’ll probably enjoy it quite a bit.

(1 People gave this 5.00 out of 5)

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When old-school parenting meets new-school parenting, buckle up because it’s going to be a wild ride!!

I’m pretty sure Billy Crystal is funny 24/7. He is great in all the movies I’ve seen him in, and even when you don’t see him, you only hear him (a la “Monsters Inc” and the upcoming “Monsters University”).

Artie Decker (Billy Crystal) loves his job as a minor-league baseball sports announcer. Unfortunately, he’s not with the times (he doesn’t do Facebook, Twitter, or any social networking at all) and he is fired from his job. This gives him and his wife Diane (the also hilarious Bette Midler) the opportunity to watch their grandchildren while their daughter Alice Simmons (Marisa Tomei) and her husband Phil (Tom Everett Scott) go out of town for Phil’s job.

Alice and Phil are very different parents than Diane and Artie. I think the term is “Type-A helicopter parenting”; they don’t tell their kids no, the baseball team their son plays on has no real rules (no three strikes and you’re out), and the kids don’t eat sugar!! No real birthday cakes for them. Harper (Bailee Madison) plays the violin, yet she doesn’t really enjoy the instrument. Turner (Joshua Rush) has a stutter and goes to speech therapy, yet they don’t practice speaking, which baffles Artie. And Barker (Kyle Harrison Breitkopf) is a mischievous little imp who calls his grandpa Fartie (awesome) and has an imaginary pet kangaroo named Carl.

Of course, the clashing of parenting styles along with rascally kids leads to some weird and wild situations, including but not limited to: a blacklight-painted face at the symphony, the kids’ first ice cream cake, and a dead imaginary pet kangaroo.

I read an article that said even though they’ve been friends for 30 years, this is the first time Billy Crystal and Bette Midler have actually worked together. They both gave solid performances in “Parental Guidance”. Apparently the idea from this movie came from Crystal’s real-life experience taking care of his own granddaughters, whose mother gave him and his wife Janice a list of pages and pages of rules for them.

Overall a good family flick, great for the holidays, with many humorous situations and feel-good moments. OH and also Artie sings a song about POOP!!! What could be better than that??

(1 People gave this 5.00 out of 5)

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Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to Middle-earth we go!

The H-Bomb:  Director Peter Jackson takes us back to the magical land of Middle-earth with The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.  Set some 60 years before the events of The Lord of the Rings, it tells the story of young Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman), a simple, peaceful Hobbit who enjoys his simple, peaceful life in the Shire.  Unfortunately for him, his perfectly ordered world is about to be flipped upside down by the arrival of the great wizard, Gandalf the Gray (Ian McKellen), and thirteen Dwarfs, led by the stoic Thorin (Richard Armitage).  The homeland and wealth of the Dwarfs was stolen by a fierce dragon some time ago, and they are now embarking on a dangerous quest to take back both.

Gandalf believes that Bilbo can be of help on this adventure, and invites him to join them on their journey.  At first, Bilbo wants nothing to do with it and tells him to go suck a duck.  However, after paying the matter more thought, Bilbo changes his mind and decides to tag along, much to the chagrin of Thorin, who believes this friendly little creature has nothing to contribute, and sees him as nothing but a liability.  Nevertheless, Bilbo comes with, and soon starts to think that maybe Thorin is right.  Maybe he is in over his head, as it quickly becomes apparent that the road to the Dwarfs’ home is fraught with many perils: Orcs, Trolls, and other less-than-hospitable creatures that inhabit Middle-earth.

What’s worse, there’s a nasty Orc leader who is hellbent on hunting down Thorin in order to settle the score for an old war wound that the courageous dwarf inflicted on him years ago.  Another danger they’ll have to contend with is the arrival of an evil spirit known as The Necromancer, whose very name alone implies that no good can come of meeting him.  If they want to have even a prayer of succeeding in their quest, this merry band of vertically challenged heroes must band together and learn to trust each other… which is easier said than done.

As someone who truly admired the cinematic spectacle that Jackson created with the original Lord of the Rings trilogy, I really wanted to love The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.  Alas, I didn’t.  I certainly liked it, but there was just too much wrong with it to make me gush and grovel and kiss Peter Jackson’s pooder out of admiration.  Let me start with an issue that everyone has brought up, and rightly so, the fact that Jackson shot it at a frame rate of 48 frames per second.  Normal films are shot at 24 frames per second, so this is double the framage.  On one hand, it gives the image a pristine level of clarity, but on the other hand, it causes the characters to move in an unnaturally fast manner.  It looks as if the film put itself into fast-forward, and while I did eventually adjust to this frame rate, for much of the opening act, it was almost fatally distracting.

Another problem that the 48 frames per second creates for The Hobbit is that the picture is so crystal clear… too clear, actually.  With the original Rings trilogy, I felt entirely immersed, like I had been whisked off to this other world.  That didn’t happen this time, because, to me, the world now, thanks to the uber-clarity, just looks so completely artificial.  Instead of a mystical Middle-earth, I see some nice shots of the New Zealand landscape with some obvious CGI added in, as well as costumes and sets that look way too clean to be real.  You’d think that a decade’s worth of technological advances would’ve helped Jackson make an even more convincing Middle-earth, but it did just the opposite.  It made it look like he shot the movie at Goddamn Disneyland.

Frame rates and other such technical jibber-jabber notwithstanding, I also have to lay into this Hobbit for its script.  This new-found fad in Hollywood of making two movies out of one book has become increasingly irritating with each franchise that jumps on this bandwagon, and now we have The Hobbit, which is making three movies out of J.R.R. Tolkien’s one book, thus making it the worst offender of the lot.  Seriously, what ever happened to the art of condensing?  Not everything that’s in the book needs to be included in the film, they are two different mediums, after all.  But Jackson and his stock company of screenwriters (Philippa Boyens, Fran Walsh, and guest writer Guillermo del Toro) seem to feel differently, hence An Unexpected Journey, running at nearly three hours, feels awfully padded in places.  This is most evident in the scene towards the beginning where all the Dwarfs gather at Bilbo’s home.  Despite some of their amusing antics, such as raiding Bilbo’s pantry and playing catch with his dishes, the sequence gets bogged down in a ton of exposition and goes on for what feels like an eternity.  Also, unless I missed something, there was nothing that anyone said or did to talk Bilbo into going on the quest with the dwarfs, he just seemed to wake up in the morning and change his mind.

What also seemed unnecessary was a stop at the Elf home of Rivvendell, where the sole reason for including it, aside from delivering even more tiring exposition, is to provide fan-service cameos for the likes of Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, and Christopher Lee.  I can’t bitch too much about this, as I certainly didn’t mind seeing these characters again, but the scene, in retrospect, is kind of pointless.  Another bit that should have been saved for the DVD extended edition was a side diversion in which our heroes encounter three giant, horse eating trolls.  It’s certainly a funny scene, and doesn’t really hurt the movie in any sense, but it goes on for too long and, again, doesn’t serve much of a purpose other than to pile more minutes onto the film’s running time.

If there is one inclusion that does harm the film, it has to be the appearance of a dingy, disgusting nature wizard with ginger hair caked in dried, crusted bird crap and a rabbit-drawn sled.  Holy hobbit balls is this guy obnoxious!  Some out there have already begun making comparisons with an infamously annoying character from another prequel trilogy, but I wouldn’t go that far, as he doesn’t have enough screen time to be as annoying as that other character.  Still, he does hang around just long enough to make me wish that something very, very bad would happen to him.

I know it seems as though I am really ripping this poor Hobbit limb from limb, but I’m not, since that’s pretty much the end of my gripes.  Things do pick up substantially in the second half of the film, with some truly creative action scenes (one aspect that is an improvement over the Rings trilogy), including a fight between two mountains, as well as a thrilling escape where Gandalf and the Dwarfs have to do battle with some hideous goblin king who has what looks like a giant testicle hanging off of his chin.  These scenes truly showcased Jackson’s immense talents as a filmmaker, and looked absolutely stunning in 3-D (this is one where the 3-D is actually worth a damn).

My personal favorite scene, one that will be a favorite for many, I’m sure, is the one in which Bilbo encounters my favorite character from the original trilogy, a sneaky little rodent whose mind and body have been destroyed by a certain “precious.”  I, of course, am speaking of none other than Golem (played, once again, by the fantastic Andy Serkis), whose war-of-riddles with Bilbo is an absolute show stopper, and serves as a perfect set up for the Rings trilogy.  A definite highlight of the show, this sequence makes me yearn for a movie entirely about Golem.

Not only is Serkis terrific, but so is the entire cast.  In fact, I would go as far as to argue that the performances are The Hobbit’s greatest virtue, as everyone carries their weight and then some, even though most of the Dwarfs are given little to do other than look funny and crack the occasional joke.  Freeman brings a goofy charm to Bilbo, making him an entirely sympathetic protagonist, even when he behaves timidly, which is pretty much most of the time.  As a lead, I much prefer him to Elijah Wood’s Frodo (who does appear briefly), as he is far quirkier and overall has a lot more personality.  As Dwarf leader Thorin, Armitage conveys a great sense of strength and authority, despite the character’s limited physical stature.  When he steps forth to lead his motley crew of little people, I found him more than believable.  He is the Viggo Mortensen of this new trilogy.

Though Armitage and Freeman are great, the best of the lead performers is easily McKellan, who slips right back into the role of Gandalf the Gray like he never left (he literally looks exactly the same as he did a decade ago), and just owns every scene he’s in.  Whether he’s using his wizard powers to whoop some Orc ass, or simply sitting off by himself, lost in his thoughts and puffing on his pipe, he portrays Gandalf with dignity, intelligence, and a sly sense of humor.  He is the glue that holds this movie together.

All in all, The Hobbit is a fun film, if not a somewhat flawed one.  My criticisms may cause legions of fanboys to fling their flaming arrows of nerd rage at me, as criticizing anything Lord of the Rings-related can be tantamount to insulting ones religion, but I just could not let Jackson’s unfortunate technical and script decisions pass without critique.  But despite its shortcomings, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is a thrilling, solid fantasy film, and I do recommend it.  It’s just that when it comes to matching the amazing heights of the original trilogy, it falls somewhat short of expectations.