“The border has no memories”

Swift shot:  After watching this, you will need one, a stiff shot of whiskey and a few minutes watching Comedy Central!  This film will stick in your chest, as you are reminded, there are worse things than death – and the term mercy will take on a whole new meaning.

From the get go, I knew this was gonna disturb me . . . a lot.  If you are a fan of Ghost Hunters, you know Jason is always alluding to a super-natural event that haunts him to this day.  It’s what he uses as a kind of psychic litmus B.S. test for hacks and frauds.  Well, all I will say is that MY personal, super-natural encounter had to do with a goat.

Now, here is the DVD cover for the American release:

This cover alone prevented me from checking out this film for almost three years, but finally, Netflix “suggested” I instantly view it, who am I to deny the red devils at NF?  So, watch it, I did.  Despite the description that Sean Astin stars in his “breakout role as a sadist”, I ventured forth into Borderland, hoping that Hobbits with a penchant for torture wasn’t on the menu.

As I write this, my Tea Party cronies sent me an article about how it might be a good idea to invade Mexico, because of the recent Mexican Lake Pirates and the Drug Cartels.  It might all sound like foolishness to you, and where “Machete” gave a cartoonish aspect of the current issues with Mexico, “Borderland” reminds us that in real life, people die, horribly.  If they are lucky, that is all that happens to them . . . there are much worse fates than death, amigos.

Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies and Mutant Pirhana got nothing on real life, and this opens up with the dreaded “Inspired by True Events”.  As with all these types of films, you will constantly struggle internally with what is fact and what is fiction.  Nothing overtly super-natural happens; the madness of men doesn’t need special effects when primal imagination is at hand.

I feel like I say “this one is not for the squeamish” an awful lot – but SERIOUSLY this one is NOT NOT NOT for the squeamish – you have been warned, kids.  Yes, that was a goat joke, suck it!

The acting in “Borderland” is magnificent by ALL players, someone who really stood out to me was Brian Presley as Ed.  Followed closely by his hot tamale lead, Valeria (Martha Higareda – who you might remember from Street Kings).  The guy who plays the really un-named devil, Gustavo (Marco Bacuzzi) is someone I would taze first THEN interview as he looked up at me from a pool of his own drool – just to be on the safe side.  His bio says he is a Mexican-Italian, seems like a monster to me, if he is a nice guy in real life, the guy is an AMAZING actor, cuz he scares the hell out of you, with his matter-of-fact delivery of death and torture – sometimes in that order.

There are some nice eye-candy shots strewn in the film, nothing really hyper-sexy mind you, and as I mentioned Sean Astin plays a sadistic criminal rapist and murderer.  Why casting chose him for the role is beyond me, probably cost it creepy points and might put this whole film in the dreaded “zany” category if not for the overall commitment of ALL people involved in this production, Astin included.

To my Tea Party friends who are Gung Ho to invade Mexico out of fear of the Drug Cartels, this one should be required viewing.  If you haven’t seen “Borderland” yet, save it for Halloween or a time when you really want to have a genuine scare.  Because I still insist, a horror movie is only scary when it is believable!  Given what occurred at Falcon Lake on the border of Mexico and Texas this week, where an American was gunned down by a Mexican Drug Cartel, I mean, shit, does it get more “believable” than that?  After watching “Borderland” you will find yourself saying, well, at least they killed him quickly – but, as I write this, his body has yet to be retrieved.

Swift shot: Mediocre scares, shocks more than anything else.  Confusing plot, confusing logic behind the overall moral of the story.  Acting was decent though, and the special effects were passable, but nothing really got to me.  In fact, I took two nights to screen this, because I fell asleep the first night, and I had zero nightmares.  Save this one for when you are desperate for a minor fright or two.

The plot takes a long time to get there, and the timing is so out of whack you never do figure out how long ago most of the events take place.  The director, Yam Laranas and his army of writers assume too much, typically a bad idea with American audiences.  You can follow along, but you really only find yourself following the story to make sure it ends how you think it will.  I can say, I honestly wasn’t surprised by much in this film.

Bobby (Jesse Bradford) was recently released from prison for man-slaughter, after he killed another guy in a bar, while the low life piece of filth was trying to rape Bobby’s girlfriend.  Of course, I would have given Bobby a medal, but, no, he had to go to prison, and when he gets out, he has nowhere to go except his, now deceased (and possibly mentally deranged) mother’s apartment, Room 519.  The first night he is there, Bobby starts to hear voices from the other room, 517.  Seems the man in 517, a cop, doesn’t play well with his family, and Bobby tries to ignore the voices coming from the crack in the wall.

As the film takes off, we meet Bobby’s new boss, Hector (Carlos Leon) and his ex girlfriend, the one he saved, Alyssa (Amelia Warner).  They are both eager to help Bobby adjust back to the civilized world, but Bobby is starting to think the noises and strange encounters with the folks in 517 might have had something to do with his mother’s early departure.  Other tenants seem to be concerned about 517 as well, but in the end, it is Bobby’s cross to bear, yet again, as he confronts the evil head on where others fear to tread.

There isn’t much that really stands out with “The Echo”, it is decent, it can hold its own, but just barely.  The characters are interesting, but where they could have made better choices I think, was in the overall buildup of the final confrontation with room 517.  Granted, the final conflict was brutal enough, however unbelievable, to warrant the 3,000 RPMs on the Thrillometer.  Don’t rent this one, wait til it is on SciFi, or SyFy, or whatever the hell they call it this week!  Save some dollars and thank me for saving you some, that’s what I am here for.

“Suck it up, piss pants!”

Swift shot: Every once in awhile I will find a straight to DVD flick that I have never heard about that really should have been in theaters. This flick didn’t even make my radar when it released in 2006, but damn it was good. The acting in this was amazing, considering it starred virtual unknowns, these artists really committed to their characters.  The special effects were creepy and authentic, scoring was perfect and helped set the tone immediately and was effective to keep that heightened anxiety throughout the film.

At any rate, I read the brief Netflix synopsis and was immediately intrigued:  “Five high school buddies are abducted by aliens from a farm in Florida — but only four of them survive. Fifteen years later, the friends — whose lives have been altered ever since — return to the farm to face their enemy and seek revenge.”  That is true, but what they don’t tell you is that the film takes place fifteen years later, you never see scene one, not in a flashback or anything, with the actual encounter fifteen years prior.  In this way, it reminded me a lot of Resevoir Dogs, the actors were speaking to a crucial event that never makes it on screen.

They did a tremendous job making that event real, and kudos to the casting director, I genuinely felt for these characters, even the one you are supposed to detest, sorta – a mark of great directing too.  In my research tonight, I see Eduardo Sanchez directed “The Blair Witch Project”.  He always seems to get that from his actors, it’s like the lines of fantasy and truth are gone, and they become their characters, mind, body and soul.  If you come out of the movie caring about these characters or loathing them, the film-makers did their jobs.  Great job to all involved, special “skins off” to Cody, err, Paul McCarthy-Boyington who really gave 100%.

“Altered” shows diverging opinions on dealing with the pesky anal probes and abductions by our little green friends.  And, did I mention there were harpoons?  Yessiree – last harpoon I saw in a decent film was being fired by Axl Rose in The Deadpool!  It was like someone was sitting around the Universal Studios lot in Mouse-town and said, hey, we got this harpoon lying around here, can we use this thing?  Let’s not just use it, lets use the fuck out of it!

The film reaches several tense crescendos where you are like, Holy Shit, I can’t believe this is happening!  Screenwriter Jamie Nash added some gut-wrenching pain to the dialogue, and I still can’t get that scene out of my head.  Effective!

You have four friends who try to get revenge on one alien, but the more, shall we say, in tune leader of the proverbial pack, Wyatt (Adam Kaufman) keeps urging cooler heads to prevail.  It isn’t because he has pity or empathy for the alien being tortured, it’s because he fears the complete extermination of the human race if they kill the alien.  Typically, I side against the pacifists in these types of films, the apologists or mamby pambys who keep pleading with the “psycho” character to not kill the alien.  By the end of this film, if you still want to let the alien live, or you give a rat’s ass about it’s “pain” please don’t visit my site – you are too soft to read any of these reviews, especially H-Man’s!  In case you are wondering, I sided with the female lead, Hope, played by Catherine Mangan, whose character, like me, is a pragmatist.

Overall, this is a great gore flick with excellent characters, believable situations and enough tension to keep you on the edge of your lazy-boy.  And, to anyone who suffers from alien abduction phobia, this film may have two effects, one, it will scare the living shit out of you and make your fear MUCH worse, or two, it will serve to dampen your fear, because it is a little too extreme.  Arachnophobia helped me deal with an irrational fear of all spiders.  But, living in Florida, spiders can be lethal, and they are everywhere, can’t say the same about “greens”.

Unlike the “Signs” aliens who, one: invaded a planet that is 75% water, which is a deadly toxin to them, and two: can’t break down a basement door – yet have mastered interstellar travel.  The “altered” aliens (Foki) may look a little similar to the Signs brood, but the Foki aliens of “Altered” are just mean and vicious bastages, let me reiterate VICIOUS!

You heard it from me, you are gonna enjoy this film, rent it or buy it tonight!  Watch it with someone you enjoy watching squirm! I’ve been walking around all day telling my friends about this one, so it definitely left a mark.  In fact, one scene will be with me forever, I can’t get it out of my head – brutally effective film!  Incidentally, this is my 100th review, I hope I don’t make the Foki’s radar!

Go on, challenge this one? Let’s see how many people can do a nose dive off a 40 ton whale! I know ONE guy who does this off of Orcas for a living, and even he aint crazy enough to pull that stunt off a 40 ton beast. Of course, I haven’t spoken to him in a few days, maybe he got himself a Mazda MX-5. Last time I spoke to him he was kayaking out the back of a C-130, so, who knows?

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This one gets an 8 on the Thrillometer, because 1. Birds are crazy, so that thing finds some giant birdseed and she is hosed.  2.  Hanging out under a giant bird like that poses other, shall we say concerns.  3.  It reminds me of the ORIGINAL Clash of the Titans scene – you know the one.

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Welcome to our newest thingamajig – The iRATEfilms Th®illometer- courtesy of the wise people at Mazda Thrills.

I saw the need for this tool, when browsing through the thriller genre on imdb.com.  According to imdb.com, “Date Night” is a “Thriller”

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