“Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?”
Swift shot: The always immoral, irreverent, warped (stuck in the 80′s) Seth MacFarlane is on point as the immoral, irreverent, warped teddy bear with a heart of weed, Ted. I am calling this one disturbingly charming. If you are a fan of Family Guy, American Dad or anything else that MacFarlane shits out for laughs and to come up with excuses to relive the 80′s, Ted is for you. If you are offended by even this Swift Shot, probably a safe bet you are not going to like anything about Ted. It is vile, to the point where I learned new nasty phrases, it is sick, but Gawdamnit it was fucking funnnnny!!!!! See this one with some friends that your mother always told you to stay away from – you know the ones, and if you don’t, it’s probably you anyway, so you don’t give a hooker’s shit.
I had the misfortune of sitting next to a middle-aged couple and the guy (I use that term very loosely) didn’t understand anything going on. He kept asking his wife why people were laughing, he kept repeating lines and saying, “I don’t get that, but everyone else is laughing.” I wanted to kill him, but I am pretty sure I would be the one in prison . . . “Sometimes I hate this country.” Anyway, because he didn’t grow up in the eighties, wasn’t a fan of anything MacFarlane and generally needed his head removed from his ass, I realized this film was really directed for a specific audience. If that was you, great, if not, please, just go swallow a shotgun or at least leave the theater. Ok, I think I invoked H-Man there.
So, as I AM a child of the 80′s, and I DO love Family Guy, even though I am a right-wing nutball and MacFarlane attacks my ilk in every episode, he keeps the one rule I have about being “offensive” – if it is funny, it is ok in my book. Ted was funny. Ted starts out as a Christmas movie [the fucktard next to me actually quipped . . . I didn't know this was a Christmas movie] about a boy, Johnny (Bretton Manley) who is so pathetically alone that he makes a wish that his newly acquired teddy bear would “really talk.” Well, duh, everyone knows a little boy’s Christmas wish is the most powerful force on the planet, except for one other thing, that narrator Patrick Stewart tells us about. And from that moment on, the pulse of Ted is set.
I liked how they made the existence of Ted NOT a secret, in fact Ted becomes a celebrity, or celebearty? Seriously, the film is a lot funnier than me, thank God. But, anyway, he is on Carson and makes appearances throughout the 80′s, but eventually like all celebs, he becomes a nothing, and he spends most of his time hanging out, smoking pot, having sex with hookers and being depraved, pretty much Winnie the Pooh’s amoral cousin. Johnny (Mark Wahlberg), now grown up, in the physical sense anyway, is an assistant manager at a local rental car place and has somehow managed to land the hottest piece of ass in Mass, Lori (Mila Kunis). She is everything Ted and Johnny are not, sophisticated, smart, sexy, and well, just classy but completely in love with Johnny.
She is on board with Ted being Johnny’s number one buddy, but she and Johnny aren’t going anywhere with Ted always anchoring Johnny in a state of limbotic bachelorhood. Eventually, and to move the film along with a somewhat compelling story [that even the genius next to me appreciated] Lori ends up giving Johnny the ultimatum, it’s either me or the teddy bear – it’s time to grow up!
This film had so much going on, so many subtle and not-so-subtle allusions to some of the flashiest films of the eighties, that I really want to see it again with my friend, the one that scares small children because, hey, their parents sure aren’t doing their job . . . coddling all these little shits. But, yea, this film was layered, you can see it again and again and see if you can catch all the awesome one-liners, dick jokes and I have to give MacFarlane credit for opening my eyes about the depravity of Jim Davis. And here I was thinking he just really liked cats!
If you have that one friend who is so funny that it hurts to hang out with him/her, that is what it was like watching Ted, it was like having that friend sitting next to you and pointing and laughing at everyone else. And, the film even manages to have a heart-warming message . . . blah, blah, blah, who cares about that shit though, right? NOW GO SEE TED!!!!!!!!