s. Darko

The H-Bomb: Sequels are a funny thing. They are very rarely as good as the films that preceded them, and are more often than not entirely unnecessary. At best, a sequel can build upon an existing story and actually continue the lives of its characters. At worst, it can be nothing more than a half-assed retread of the original, telling essentially the same story with a few variations. Which brings me to this groan inducing bowl of anal grease known as “s. Darko”.

It’s been seven years since a jet engine crash landed on Donnie Darko and killed him. This threw his younger sister Samantha (Daveigh Chase) in a deep depression from which she has never recovered. Things at home have gone down the shitter, so Sam decides to hit the road to L.A. with her best friend Corey (super hottie Briana Evigan) in order to start a new life. Their car breaks down in the quaint little town of Buttfuck, Utah (as I like to call it) and they’re stranded there until it gets fixed. In the meantime, they wander about the fine township of Buttfuck and encounter a bunch of bizarre yet boring characters, and an utterly sucky, worthless, illogical shitfest of a movie ensues.

All this just begs the question: WHY??!! Why would anyone ever want to make a sequel to “Donnie Darko”? Who would even think to do that? That’s like making a sequel to “Mulholland Dr.” or “Memento”. Some movies are meant to have sequels, and some aren’t. “Donnie Darko” falls into the latter category. And why take a bit player from the first film, whose only memorable moment was blurting out, “What’s a fuck-ass?” and make her the protagonist? Seriously, whose brilliant idea was that? This has to be the most pathetically obvious attempt by a studio to make a quick buck ever. It’s even worse than when Disney was making straight to video sequels to their popular animated films.

It’d be one thing if “shit Darko” actually delved deeper into the original‘s mythology, but it doesn’t do that. It just rehashes the same shit from the previous movie; falling objects, wormholes, time travel, end of the world scenario, sleepwalking, demonic bunny mask, yada, yada. Except here they’ve been stripped of their meaning and are just thrown in randomly because the screenwriter was too fucking lazy to come up with anything new. In fact, this script is so sloppy and inept it seems like some hack writer just shot it out of his ass pipe one weekend, and some dingle berry, dickfaced doofus of a studio exec gave it the green light without bothering to read it. Whereas the original was alternately intriguing and funny, the sequel was just one big boring buttload of ass.

The plot makes no fucking sense whatsoever, even by Darko standards, and the story momentum is non-existent. I mean, this shit is flatter than Keira Knightley’s chest. The entire cast breathe about as much life into their roles as a block of wood. The characters, like the story, are all laughably one note. Daveigh Chase plays a traumatized teen well, if your idea of a traumatized teen is someone who stares off blankly and talks in a sleepy monotone. The super hot Briana Evigan’s Corey is a bratty, sarcastic bitch, but since she’s super hot, she’s allowed to be a bitch. Her super hotness outweighs her bitchiness. The rest of the cast is made up of freaks, geeks, and creeps, yet none of them are as memorable as the whacky gym teacher or Patrick Swayze’s pedophile self help guru from the first film.

Overall, “s.Darko” is nothing more than a cheap attempt to cash in on the cult success of its predecessor. Darko fans will be tempted to give it a look-see, but don’t bother. Don’t damage your fond memories of the first film by exposing yourself to this regurgitated, radioactive cum-stain-on-a-motel-bed-sheet of a movie. I imagine being anally raped with a rhinoceros horn would be more enjoyable than sitting through this pointless, duller than dog shit monstrosity. Then again, Briana Evigan is super hot.

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