The Alphabet Killer

The H-Bomb: Fine readers of iRATEfilms, you have been duped. One of our writers has suggested in the Bin Booty section that “The Alphabet Killer” is a good, or at least halfway decent film that is worthy of you money and time. This writer has been sick with fever the past few days, and that has no doubt clouded his judgment, because “The Alphabet Killer” is nothing more than a cheap, derivative, nonsensical piece of shit-fuck that is very deserving of its straight-to-tape fate.

What’s wrong with it? Let’s start with the “Based on a True Story” bulldookey. It’s based on a true story the same way “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is… which is to say it isn’t really a true story at all. Yes, some girls with double initials were killed in Rochester, New York in the 70’s (movie‘s set in modern day, yay, first fuck up), but aside from that, this movie, down to the main characters, including Eliza Dushku‘s schizo-whacko detective, is complete fiction. Sorry, but it offends me when a movie is labeled a “true story” when it’s not. Back when the “Chainsaw Massacre” remake was in theaters, I overheard a group of teenage girls in the lobby talking about it. “You know what’s really freaky? It’s based on a true story!” “Uh-uh.” “Uh-huh! That shit really happened!” Yeah… great… now we got teenage girls thinking fucking Leatherface really existed. Point is, when you tell people a film is based on a true story, then they are going to assume that mostly everything that is depicted in said film is based on fact. In the case of this film, nothing could be farther from the truth.

The script, by Tom Malloy (who also plays a supporting role in an admirably bland fashion), is full of contrivance and relies too heavily on the convenience of coincidence. The killer actually just so happens to be someone from the lead detective’s everyday life and she just happens on photos of the murdered girls that he left out for her to find… fuck you in the mouth with a concrete dildo! The twist ending revealing the killer’s identity makes no monkey fucking sense whatsoever, and the “screenwriter” in his commentary even admits that he more or less pulled the ending out of his ass crack because he was “annoyed” by films like “The Pledge” and “Zodiac” where the killer was never revealed. By the way, if you want you see a couple of GOOD serial killer films that actually have an ounce of originality, rent “The Pledge” and “Zodiac”. “The Pledge” has a brilliantly ironic ending.

The film is directed without a shred of inspiration by Rob Schmidt, who also directed the thoroughly derivative yet watchable “Wrong Turn”. Here he goes for the murky, monochromatic look, which is indeed a very original look for this film… if you’ve never seen “Se7en”… or “Kiss the Girls”… or “Hannibal”… or any fucking movie of this genre that’s come out in the last fifteen years or so. Rob, buddy, you have one film that rips off “Chainsaw Massacre” and “Deliverance” and another that rips off every serial killer flick ever made. Don’t you want to at least try to make something we haven’t seen before? You only get one shot at a career, you know.

It also pissed me off the way he wasted his strong and interesting supporting cast. He’s second only to Terence Malick in how he under-uses good actors. “Okay, let’s get the likes of Michael Ironside, Bill Moseley, Martin Donovan, Tom Noonan and Melissa Leo… and let’s give them nothing to do.” Yeah, you can shove a razor blade up your dick hole and then go fuck a tree, Rob Shit, you might as well have cast sock puppets in those parts. The only supporting players who amounted to more than a “ooh look! It’s so n’ so!” walk-on were Cary Elwes and Oscar Winner (and what the fuck is he doing in this crap smeared suckfest) Timothy Hutton. (Don’t wory, Mr. Hutton, I intend to review the underrated gems “The Falcon and the Snowman” and “The Dark Half” for the booty section soon.)

But, now, I arrive at the weakest part of this movie… Miss Eliza Dushku herself. Normally, I dig her, and of course, she is easy on the eyes… but she is so badly miscast as an obsessed police detective, it’s not even funny. I found it funny, at first, but she is just so absurdly wrong for this role that it stops being funny and actually becomes a little embarrassing to watch. Let’s dissect this; first, her performance is just awful. She is never convincing and her line deliveries are cringe inducing. At times, like when she says,  “No… fill his cup… he can’t go home yet.” I actually wondered if… she was… doing a… William Shatner impression. Secondly, and this plays in to the whole convincing thing, when she, being 5’5 and weighing maybe 115 soaking wet, overpowers and breaks the arm of a male hospital orderly twice her size. Fucking cock sucking ball licking ass ramming jizz guzzling bullshit! COME ON!!! Lastly, when Schmidt made the oh-so-wise decision to put her in a police uniform, I thought, “Am I watching a movie or a fucking high school play?” She looked ridiculous! Like a kid on Halloween.

I must stop here. Dear readers, I don’t know what befell our other writer make him think that what he saw here was good, or even remotely worthwhile, but he is wrong. This thriller with no thrills is Shitty-Ass-Fuck-Suck film-making at it’s absolute worst. It is a complete waste of talent, and time, and money… and actually kills off brain cells when viewed. This is pure bilge, take it from the H. Rick, please get well soon.

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