Wages of Sin

The H-Bomb: Or a more appropriate title- “Waste of My Motherfucking Time”! I thought Rick Swift hated me when he sent me to watch “New Moon”, but now that he forced me to sit through “Wages of Sin”, I don’t just think he hates me… I know he hates me! He wasn‘t just trying to drive me crazy with this shit sucking pile of puss… he was trying to drive me to fucking suicide! Congrats Rick, you almost succeeded. (I had my Beretta loaded, cocked, and inside my mouth. My finger was just starting to squeeze the trigger… then the end credits started to roll)

This flick isn’t just bad, it’s nonsensical as fuck all. It’s about a young woman who has inherited a house in the middle of nowhere from her fanatically religious grandfather. She brings along three friends to check out the house with her… only the spirit of Jesus Freak Granddad has stuck around to stir up trouble, and a dreadfully dull and heavily clichéd movie ensues.

Wait… did I just say heavily clichéd? Sorry, I think I understated it. This pile anus waste shamelessly rips off everything from “The Evil Dead” to “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” to my all time favorite horror flick, “The Shining”. And if that’s not enough, it also borrows from the endings of “A Nightmare on Elm Street” and “Friday the 13th” as well. Jesus fucking Christ on rubber crutches, is there anything this worthless ass muncher doesn’t steal from?

I know we’re living in an age where everything is either a sequel or a remake or a reboot and that originality has become a rare commodity, but this movie is so blatant in its lack of anything even resembling original that I found myself sitting there figuring which scene or plot point was being ripped off more than I did actually following the story.

As for such minor things as writing, directing, and acting, I would call it all amateurish, but that would be insulting amateurs. The DV cinematography was so bloody ugly it looked liked someone projectile vomited on the negative, and never crossing the 180 degree line, which is Basic Film School 101, is something this “director” clearly has no concept of, because the camera jumps that line on several occasions and causes many continuity gaffes. Not to mention, it just makes it confusing as fuck all to tell where the characters are in relation to each other. Speaking of continuity gaffes, look early on for a Bible that gets dropped and knocks over a candle, then look for that Bible, and the candles, in the next shot…

As far as the performances go, is it even worth mentioning that they all pretty much licked dick mucous across the board? And what was up with casting the two lead female roles, who are not supposed to be related, with two actresses who look nearly identical to each other? Not just that they’re both brunettes, but they’re both roughly the same height, roughly the same body type, with roughly the same hair style? Unless I missed some plot point in which they were supposed to be dead ringers for each other, that is a pretty strange casting decision.

Another thing, there’s a scene early on where a nine year old girl says shit like, “Maybe in time, sir, but mother has only left us today to be with God, and I am too sad” and, my personal favorite, “My emotions tell me one thing, but the truth tells me another.” Sorry, but what fucking nine year old girl talks like that??? In fact, what fucking human being talks like that? Human beings who exist in fucking dogshit movies like this one, that’s who!

Like I said, “Waste Of My Motherfucking Time” would’ve been a far more apt title. My time would’ve been better spent masturbating to Japanese comic books while licking the shit residue off of Barney Frank’s anal beads than watching this worthless mound of horse dookie! And Rick, my friend, all I have to say to you is… I owe you one. Big time.

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